Well, I've let the weekend get upon me again without checking in and asking the questions that only you can help me answer. H is very willing to discuss the details of his affair with me if it will help me to recover and forgive him. Part of me wants to know everything, but another part of me becomes incredibly sick at the thought. I really don't want H to have any secrets from me, and if I allow him to keep this inside will it come back to haunt me in a few months? As it is, she does not call him anymore and the only contact they have is at work two days a week. I really don't want to encourage him to think about her when she isn't causing problems. Any advice in this area would be greatly appreciated, as always.

Tere;
Only YOU can be the judge of how much you need to know. He seems to be doing HIS part by agreeing to answer your questions, and this is MUCH more than many of us get.

The folks who know about these things say that the WS should answer all the questions the BS wants to ask, even if it's painful and even if it's done over a long period of time.

Ask away...you'll know when you've had enough or went too far on something.

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:40 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Tere, it's good that he is answering your questions, because honesty about the affair is critical to your recovery. I agree with what Spacecase said, how much is ALL UP TO YOU. If you don't know the ACTUAL details you will imagine the WORST so it's better to just hear the truth.

Some details you probably won't want to know, but others you will, it all depends on you. And you will find that the answers often bring yet more questions later, so don't think you can just have one Q&A and then be done with it. It didn't work that way for me.

It often goes in cycles where you need to ask questions and talk about the affair and then you will build up and do it again. This will probably go on for about 8-10 months. It's always easier and much shorter when the WS is as open as yours.

tere

As you have been told, how much you want/need to know is totally up to you. However, I would give you one piece of advice.

Think about what you ask before you ask it. Make sure you really want to know the answer...good, bad, or otherwise. My H and I had many of the Q&A sessions. I can tell you that he has said more than once that there are many things that he thought he HAD to know that now he wishes he didn't know.

And you and your H should also understand that there will be more than one session and the same question (or forms of it) will be asked repeatedly. That is just par for the course. Sometimes it helped us to write down the questions and the answers. Put a time limit of the session. That way you both will know that this tough conversation is not going to go on all night. Sometimes you need a mental and emotional time out.

Regretting

I asked all the dirty gritty detailed questions in one go. I do not feel the need to ask them anymore.

Be careful about the impact it will have on you and if you really want to know the answers.

I did want to know because I found myself going around in circles fantasising it all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

So far, you all have been right....NOTHING has been as bad as I have imagined it. He swears to me that the sex wasn't even that great, he just wasn't getting what he needed at home and was unable to talk to me about it. I discovered this a year ago, when I also found MB, but he just couldn't tell me the truth. I still have a bit of anger inside because he allowed me to think I was crazy for over a year, I had to find out from an anonymous phone call. It's probably totally normal this early in the game, but I am so angry with myself for not following the advice I got here last year. I should have hired the PI, I would be so much farther ahead of the game now. At least this way, I am still not the bad guy. I trusted his word.

Back to the issue (sorry), I feel alot of pressure not to bring her up when we are having a good day and suddenly I am in that panic state again about the whole A. It comes and goes, but I don't want to intrude on his good day every single time this happens. He saw me reading on this site last night, and asked me if I needed to talk to him about anything (at the time I really didn't). Should I stay away from MB when he is home?

I would want all the info too. It will hurt big time, I know. The one thing I did that was hurtful, was I used it against him in anger. I no longer care what he did, but wished that he was willing to have an HIV testing done. Without my asking when he will have a HIV testing done.

Believe me, the hurt is real. To visualize the two together naked, in bed, etc. I had dreams after dreams, and in those dreams I kicked her butt, and other things. That is all done now. But I don't really like the other woman, I know she is screwed in the head, and I know that she has severe mental problems.

All I care about now is my WH. All I care about is him seeking help, mental help. All I care about is his well being, and what he did was immoral, deceitful, hurt the family, and himself. God knows and that is all that has to be said.

To know everything is hard, but it helps you see the whole picture, at least that is what I think.

I am getting great advice today, that's for sure. My husband knows everything about me, all the warts are out there for the viewing, he is the only person that knows all my deep dark secrets. Personally, I don't want him reflecting on this time in the future and know that he can't talk to me for fear of hurting me. He says that he went through withdrawal from her last summer, when I started suspecting something was up, but the A was able to continue when we were in a tough patch cause I didn't know it had really happened (classic SAA patterns here). Now that I know it really happened he has no desire to go back.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tere38:
<strong>He saw me reading on this site last night, and asked me if I needed to talk to him about anything (at the time I really didn't). Should I stay away from MB when he is home?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would suggest that you do whatever YOU feel comfortable with. I would suggest that it shows you are working thru your issues.

It was excellent that he asked (wish my WS would!) and that you did not. But in the future you might so make sure that when he asks if you do have something you do ask, don't bottle it up.

It is not easy to bring up the A I have been very guilty of that and am in a worse state than ever. So know you are not alone but take comfort that he is asking you if you want to talk, many of us here don't get that so <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> for you!

Ben Richards

Hey Running Man, a few more posts and you'll be a full-fledged member. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thanks for the input, I am VERY guilty of not talking things through then over-thinking it in my mind. Makes for alot of head games at my house, I guess, but I really don't mean to be closed up. One of the things he told me when I first found out about the A was that I was so wrapped up in other problems that he didn't feel like I had any time for him. Now I feel like if I talk or worry too much about this that it will scare him off, and sometimes he just acts like he is at the end of his rope and laughs at me when I bring it up. That stings a little, especially when he asks if I need to talk to him about the A.

I still have that 'punched in the stomach' feeling at times, like today when I know he is having to work with the OW all day long in a city 45 minutes from here. Makes me want to throw up, no food for me today!!