I have another topic going that might help explain this situation. I saw an old flame a week ago. I just came to terms with the fact that I was on the brink of an EA. I just told old flame to not contact me anymore (we had only shared memories past and funny feelings of renewed emotion - nothing more happened). He will honor that request for sure. Do I tell my husband about this "almost EA"? I am still hurting about this whirlwind of emotions I have felt this past week and saying goodbye to old flame again. I love my H and don't want to cause any unnecessary pain? Do I tell him or just be glad I nipped it all in the bud when I did?

Has anyone ever experienced an "almost EA?"

No need to stir up a problem when you did what was right.

Talk to your H about it. By hiding it and being fearful of having an honest discussion with your H about this, you will be making the 'near miss' into something much bigger.

Being honest means being completely honest. Read what Dr. Harley says about honesty (and dishonesty) on this site. He makes a very compelling case for telling all. In fact, somewhere in the mounds of Harley material, he says that the best way to prevent an A is to tell your spouse about any feelings, temptations, doubts, etc. that any member of the opposite sex stirs up in you; and then to talk about it openly and continue that dialogue for a lifetime.

It is an opportunity to learn early on in your M, to talk about 'radical honesty', how each of you will deal with temptation (because there will be temptation for each of you throughout your lives), and how you intend to stay connected for a lifetime.

IMHO, you should definitely tell him.

Hugs,

I tend to agree... you need to be honest... but honest about what, given that you seem to be doing the right thing??

If you feel that your husband has been failing to meet some of your emotional needs, why not talk about it with him, from a nonconfrontational point of view (read up on love busters and negotiating skills on this site, for example). Do you need to spell out specific details of a threatened affair that never happened, nor ever will by the sounds of it? My personal guess would be "no", but that's just me. (Will I be flamed for that?? Hope not.) I think the key is to be honest about your feelings, especially if they DO continue to dwell on looking outside of your marriage.

If you feel that your husband is really at no fault in any way, then you probably need to look at yourself in terms of a possible "weakness" as it relates to "feeling trapped", "need to spread your wings", "freedom", etc. - these are common themes felt by women in their 20's, from all I've been told - and observed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> There's some good reading material I'm sure others could direct you to as it relates to that topic.

I didn't really answer your question, did I? Sorry about that, but I'm no professional! (And even the pros tend to encourage their patients to take forward steps themselves, with some mild guidance.)

You probably should tell your H. If you are having thoughts , or "whirling of emotions" then there coald be a problem between you and H. Is he meeting your needs?
You did nip it time, but what if it were to happen again. Could you do it again? So if you tell H, then the two of you can correct any problems.
Your H may be hurt by it, but you can tell him that you are concerned about your M, and want to improve it.

Good luck. KS

I am getting such diametrically opposed opinions about this! The thing is, there is nothing wrong with my marriage. That's not some statement made in denial. If anything is wrong, it is my insecurities about getting married so young. I do realize the significance of having such a stable, nurturing relationship. I do realize that my marriage is the envy of all my friends. I also realize that my misstep with my ex-boyfriend stems from my own issues, not something my H is not giving me. Believe me, if I needed anything from my H, he would be there giving it with all his heart. So, I'm not sure if telling him about some wayward feelings (that are probably going to be gone in a few days) will be effective in communicating the bigger issue of repressed freedom.

BTW, can anyone what a "bump" is? I got one earlier today in another post.

J--

A "bump" just brings your topic or "thread" to the top of the message board so more people can see it and perhaps respond. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As for your question....let me tell you a bit about my story...this may take a little bit, but bear with me 'cause I think I have a point

My WW had/has the same feelings about getting married and then missing out on things...She was 26 when we got married so I am not sure it is something that is not restricted to just a certain younger age...

It wasn't an old flame that got her incolved in an A, however. She got a new job at 34 and that put her in some company (other men) who she admired for their money, position in life, spotlight etc. It wasn't that that was completely missing in her life as we are both pretty high-visibility people where we live and do OK financially.

However the other people she was meeting were high visibility nationally and literally were making high six to seven figures annually. (we don't do quite that well financially <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

Anyway...she ended up having an A with one of these men...

J-Bird Said: "If anything is wrong, it is my insecurities about getting married so young. I do realize the significance of having such a stable, nurturing relationship. I do realize that my marriage is the envy of all my friends. I also realize that my misstep with my ex-boyfriend stems from my own issues, not something my H is not giving me. Believe me, if I needed anything from my H, he would be there giving it with all his heart."

Prior to my WW's A, she could have (an did) said the same thing (except the old boyfriend part) and she has acknowledged that. But "her" problems, as it turned out, became "our" problems because she didn't communicate them to me or allow us to deal with them in an open and constructive way.

If she had told me about her feelings for someone else prior to the A would I have been angry, hurt etc? Yes...but it would have given us a chance to communicate and deal with "her" problems before a full fledged A took place. I can tell you from experience that the pain of that conversation and perhaps some counseling and communication would have been far better than what I have dealt with over the past year and a half.

I am not saying to tell your H, only you can make that call. But what I am saying is that there are more to your problems than just "yours" if that makes any sense.

Whatever you do, take a few days to think about it.

If you do decide to tell your H, please approach it from the standpoint of his loving, caring wife and that you want to maintain the marriage you have and mak eit stronger and need his help and understanding of how you feel to do that.

Whatever you decide, good luck.

IMHO you have made the first wise step in posting here and looking for answers before getting involved with someone else and affecting so many lives so deeply...

E

J-bird, sorry if I offened yo in any way.
I agree with Elad, about finding MB's and that you should make the call of telling your H.
What ever you decide to do, keep us informed, and know that everyone at MB is here to help and support you.
There are lots of great people here who are so understanding. I know they helped us with our M.
Good luck. KS

No offense taken, Keep Smiling! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thanks for your words...

Tonight I went to my H's best friend's parents' house for a big get together with my in-laws. It was the first night I had to myself after my H left where I COULD have chosen to see Chad. I don't know if I thought about him more than fleetingly for a minute. And I think it was in the context of, "Glad I haven't thought about Chad a lot tonight." This forum has grounded me and completely heped me to realize the significance of marriage and commitment. I feel as though I've had about 15 years life experience in the last week.

I am scared to bring up all my thoughts with my husband next weekend when I see him. But he is my rock after all, and I know now that I can bring anything to him, and as long as I am honest about it, we can work through this.

I'll be in touch with what happens. I think my biggest fear is that he won't understand. God give me the ability to articulate carefully!!!!

Thanks for all the terrific advice. This website is a treasure!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by J-bird:
<strong>I am getting such diametrically opposed opinions about this!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not surprisingly, yes. That is the nature of personal opinions; they will be as different as the people giving them.

Also, the members of this board have varying degrees of knowledge, interest, and personal use of the MB principles. If one wants to apply MB principles to one's M, then reading about and understanding the principles is the place to start. Don't assume that everyone who starts or replies to a thread on the MB forums is 'sold' on the MB principles.

Have you read the MB materials and considered whether you want an MB-styled M?