I started posting here in June and now here it is, the end of July almost, and I still haven't told my husband about my A. Since I am a teacher and so is the OM, I haven't seen him in over a month. We have had some online, as well as a little phone contact, too. He was applying for some government jobs and I was really really praying that he'd get one. Instead, he got a raise and is staying at my school. It is so difficult to think of another year working with him. But honestly I have no other choice at this point. So why am I writing this? Because every day I read and read and read all of the posts by BS and there are always some that hit me hard and firm my resolve not to continue this craziness, and put an end to it once and for all. I know how hurtful this will be to my husband when I tell him, I know how much it would hurt my children if I broke up my family, I know my friends would all be shocked and disgusted with my actions...and yet I continue to have that EA, that pull that I can't quite sever. Please give me some advice - either other WS who have gone through this hell, or from BS who can convince me how hurtful and wrong what I am doing is...I should also point out that OM is playing games with my emotions these days - cool and aloof, not a word for days, then lovey-dovey, complimentary, the guy he knows I can't resist. What is wrong with me? Do I have such low self-esteem that I am willing to put my marriage at risk for this sh#*?

NT,

You will have a very very hard tiime doing this by yourself. The person that can help YOU the most is your H. I know it sounds looney to you, but your H is the person that will keep you focused on your marriage. I would strongly suggest that you involve a counselor to help you tell him. There is no easy way out of this, but the only way out that will lead to the result I think you want is honesty.

Good luck and God Bless,

JL

Good to see you neverthought. haven't seen you in awhile. I don't know if this will make a difference but here goes. Whenever I post to you, I say things I wish I couls say to my WH.
The pain is sooo not worth it. I feel like my life is over for nothing. taken away from me without no say. I probably still wouldn't know about the affair without my snooping or women's intuition. It hurts so much to trust someone and love them and then to eventually be told by them it doesn't matter. You loved and trusted in vain. It hurts so much it is like a death. I think the only way I could hurt more losing my husband would be for him to die.
Please make a good choice. Stay strong and realize decadence can be fun (EA's PA's) But the only reward is hurting someone you love. Losing someone you love. destroying their self image and belief system to the point where it feels unrepairable. IT ISN"T WORTH IT. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh but my husbands fence sitting for the last 6 weeks has caused so much agony sometimes I want to give up on everything.
Please get help, end the EA, tell your husband. Fight for what is worth fighting for.
Your marriage.
Good luck,
Hugs to you,
layli

Neverthought ... Some questions for you.

How are you sleeping? Good or not so good?

How are you doing physically? Headaches? Stomach aches?

How is your appetite? Same as usual or changed?

Do you feel joy and pleasure when you and H enjoy SF? Do you look forward to SF with your H?

Are you having difficulty concentrating and/or problem solving? Are you performing at work as well as usual?

How are you doing spiritually? Do you love yourself? Do you respect your choices?

How is your family doing? Do you feel "in the moment" when you are with your family, or do you feel somewhat "out of body" when with your family?

Are you enjoying the little things in your life that usually please you?

Have you started a journal?

Keep posting.......

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Read this....and then decide what to do.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=010715

wwl

<small>[ July 22, 2002, 11:58 PM: Message edited by: wrestlingwithlove ]</small>

Just a thought for you to consider: How would you feel if your husband was having sex with another female co-worker and was disrespecting you and your marriage the way you are disrespecting your husband and your marriage? Does your husband really deserve this? If you tell your husband it will put an end to your affair and show your husband that you still have some respect for him. Otherwise continue as you are and cheapen your marriage and continue to show distain and disrespect for the man who loved and married you and wished to spend his life with you. The choice is yours.

JL - thank you for your response. I know what you say is the truth. It is just so hard to get the courage to tell my terrible secret.

Layli - what you wrote is in no way too harsh - harsh is what I need. Decadence is the perfect word for what I've been doing - and you're right, it isn't worth the destruction it will cause. Thanks for your continued help and support. In truth, I don't know how you can stand to be so kind to me.

Pepper - You are right on target about the sleeping problems. I wake up in the middle of the night with thoughts of the OM running through my head. Why hasn't he called? Is he cheating on ME? (And his wife?!) Why do I want him so bad? As for SF with my husband, I have to be honest and say it is better than ever. My husband seems much more tuned in to me lately and is very interested in making me happy, whether by getting a sitter and going on a date, giving hugs and "I love yous", wanting me to buy sexy lingerie, etc. It is as though he is recognizing some of my EN without my even mentioning them. What is that about, do you think? The worst thing of all is that OM is never out of my mind. In the middle of doing something, anything, there he is...everything brings him to mind. I was thinking the otherday that if I lost my H, would there be as many things that trigger my thoughts of him? What I mean is, we've been together for 14 years - why does it seems as though any little thing reminds me of OM, but not my H? Pepper, I've read your responses to so many hurting people in here and I respect your opinion so much. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

WWL - Thanks for the thread. I know what I need to do...and your post is helping me on my way to doing that, I hope. That was exactly what I needed!

Bryan - If my husband was doing what I've done, I'd die. I don't know if I could forgive him, which is why I am so scared to tell him. Plus the fact that I have to work at the same school at least next year and I don't want him thinking and worrying about it everyday. I wish I could handle this better - actually I wish I had never been so stupid...

Dear Never,
I understand where you are and I wish I had the magic formula to fix it because I would do it for me too. I am not a WS simply because I am actually divorced from my husband (since Jan. 02).
We continued to 'see' each other after the divorce and he began dating someone else too. I didn't go out with anyone and kept up Plan A. We didn't divorce because of any affairs - just a whole lot of other problems and terrible communication issues over the years.
Anyway, in May I had my first date and went out with this guy twice. I had a great time and really fell for him. My xh had an epiphany and decided that he wanted us to try and put our relationship back together. He immediately broke things off with the woman he had been seeing and started IC.
What I had thought I wanted for so long was coming to fruition and now I was the one on the fence. I kept telling myself (and my xh) that I was just scared to trust and scared to try again because I had been hurt so bad. That was true. But, also I had gotten a 'taste' of the newness and excitement of another relationship and I was (and am) incredibly physically attracted to the guy I went out with. He is divorced (and has been for several years), so I don't really feel like anyone is in an affair situation. However, I can't fully recommit to my xh and attempt reconcilation while I am spending all my time and energy thinking about this other guy.
My xh doesn't know that I am still struggling with this. I know the best thing for me and for my future and for my children to reconcile with my husband. I honestly feel like we can finally have the marriage we both wanted all along. I know he really loves me and will be there for me. And yet.... And yet....

I feel like you when you say - what on earth could possibly be wrong with me that I can't even get out of my own way and not mess this up? Sometimes I think I must be the most self-absorbed narcissitic person on the planet.
I am still in e-mail and occasional phone contact with OM (for lack of a better term) and we saw each other last week at his house for a brief rendevous.

I can't sleep and I continue to lose weight (a good thing at first, now it is to the point that I should stop). I am stressed and I know I have the power to fix this. I just don't know how.

Again, sorry I don't have the answer. I do think you going back to work with him when school starts is going to be rough. It is going to be very hard whether you end it and tell, end it and don't tell, don't end it... there are no simple solutions.

Dear Never....

Working as a family medicine nurse practitioner, I had been privileged to witness intimacies of many peoples lives these past 22 years. I remember one very nice, sweet, educated, married woman very well. She had a vaginitis that I could just not seem to get rid of. We tested for everything. We tried various treatments. Nothing worked. She kept returning with the same symptoms over and over. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Finally, one day, purely on gut instinct I asked her, "Are you having an affair?" ... She burst into tears, and sobbed, "Yes, I am. I feel so terrible for what I've done to my husband. To my family. I cannot look at myself in the mirror!" .... We talked. She released. her vaginitis cleared up without medication.

Guilt and the stress of keeping terrible secrets will work on you. You may be headed for a nervous breakdown.

Get professional help! You may need to be medicated for awhile. You DO need personal therapy. This just will not "go away" by your wishing and hoping. It will devour you.. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Please do not delay. The longer you wait, the worse this addiction gets.

Break free. Trust your husband ... and eventually, trust yourself.

God bless.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Wiffle - You are right when you say that the feelings we are going through are similar. I'm starting to realize that what I'm struggling with more than anything is this: I could live without OM, I really could. I could even work with him and make it be OK. My true problem lies in the fact that I am jealous beyond belief that he might begin a similar relationship with someone else at my school. How sick is that? I don't know if it is all in my head or if he is really capable of doing such a thing. He tells me that he wants the same things I do, what we have is special, blah, blah, blah...then why do I have such nagging doubts now of his sincerity? And why do I care? My life with my family and husband are my "real life" and this other side of me with him is just nothing! I tell myself that daily - and yet, I still crave his attention. As you say, I am very narcisistic and selfish to allow this to happen. I truly appreciate your post and your post. Let me hear how you are doing with your situation - I hope it works out for the best for you and your family.

Oh Pepper, what you wrote scares me so much - my mother had a nervous breakdown at my age (due to the stress of numerous miscarriages and an unsupportive husband) and I've often wondered if I would be prone to having one too. It kills me that I've put myself into a situation where this is likely. But I really don't feel I need meds - maybe once school starts if things feel this crazy or crazier, I'd consider that, but right now I am OK. Can you just explain two things to me, please: How can telling my husband make things better, when I know he will worry everyday while I'm at school that I haven't ended things? Also, is it imperative that I see a MC? Couldn't the wisdom of people such as yourself help me get through this? Just some questions that I'm wondering about...Thank you again for all of advice...I appreciate it more than you know.

Sorry to poke a nerve in you ... but perhaps I can poke just enough to get you out of your limbo hell so you start doing positive things for yourself!

YES, in my opinion it is imperative you see a professional counselor. We on this forum are a support group. You need serious therapy. you are in REAL trouble. Let me put it to you another way.... If one of your own kids was in this much trouble, wouldn't you make darn sure they got professional help? Also, if one of your students was in this much trouble, wouldn't you made darn sure they got professional help? If your mother had received professional help before her breakdown, do you think she would have been better off?

And ... for the record ... I do NOT think you should confess to your husband ... yet. You are in no shape whatsoever to help him with his reaction. YOU have an OBLIGATION to get yourself on the road to better mental and spiritual health before you tell your husband. After you are more grounded, then you will tell him ... and, you'll tell him in a loving mature and prepared method.

Keep posting.....

Pepper

PS ... I'm in a hurry ... sorry for all the spelling errors <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

<small>[ July 23, 2002, 09:55 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Your statement of "my life with my husband and family is my real life and this other thing is just nothing..." hits home with me. I am trying to figure out what it is that is missing IN ME that I am so 'taken' by this "nothing". What hole am I trying to fill?
What am I trying to avoid by hanging on to this diversion with this other guy?
Yes, it is exciting (I would bet sex with someone new almost always is).
Yes, it is intoxicating (just like any mind or mood alterating substance).
Yes, it is dangerous (adds to the thrill, I guess).
Yes, it feels good and validating to be admired and desired by someone else (this speaks to my need for admiration and my own weakness in self-esteem).
And after just a few episodes it becomes addicting - just like a drug or nicotine. My body (and pschye) actually think they NEED this outside influence.
I understand why people say no contact is the only way to end it and move on. But, that is like telling me I have to give up something that I want so much. And, like a 2 year old, I don't want to give it up. I want what I want.

So, the alternative is to go to xh and say, "you know, I thought I was ready to reconcile and finally let you in my heart and let our love be the strong influence in my life that I know it can be, but, i have changed my mind. And now what I want is to run around like a teenager with a crush and live the single life and see my children a few times a week and party and give up everything we have worked for. I want to teach my children that you just do whatever feels good at the time and who cares about the consequences because I am the only one who matters and what I want is all that is important."

Or, the other option is to say, "XH, (or in your case, H) I have decided that I have found the love of my life and he and I are destined to be together and it is right and good. Our children will be fine with this because it is so right. You will go on to find someone else who can really love you because I am not that person - I know we both thought I was, but we were wrong. We must have been wrong because this other thing is so perfect."

When I put down those 2 scenarios both seem absolutely riduculous and stupid and I know what is right. Still, knowing and doing are hard.

I’ll jump in here. I think I actually confessed my A to my husband because I could not stand the stress of the life I was living. I had reached the point of despair. The sneaking around and lying and trying get my husband out of the house so that I could make contact was pure hell and more than I could take. My confession was my plea for help. Something had to change. I didn’t know at the time if our marriage would survive or not, but I could not continue like I was.

I actually knew in my heart that I would never even leave my husband for OM. I wanted to end the A, but was afraid of the pain of withdrawal. I wanted to end it and tried several times, only to fall back into it. My self-esteem continued to drop because I did not have the strength to get something out of my life without help.

I worked with the OM at a very large hospital. We worked in the same department, so it was not like I only saw him occasionally. He wanted to continue a friendship even after the affair ended…and keep me in his life in any way possible. So, I tried continuing to work and keep things cordial. I did this for almost a year. I could not imagine quitting my job. I thought it was impossible….I would never find another job that was that good…that I liked…that paid that much…etc. My husband did not encourage me to quit (because we were scared what it would do to us financially), but I am sure that he did not enjoy knowing I was going off each day to see OM.

The OM would go out of his way to try to walk by my desk, or run in to me, or start a conversation. It felt as though my mistake was parading in front of my eyes as a constant reminder.

This all happened two years ago. I DID quit the job, and yes I did get another job. Matter of fact, I didn’t even have to look…they came begging me to come to work for them.

We went through two years of therapy, but I can honestly say that true recovery did not begin until I was no longer in contact in any form or fashion. My therapist said she HAS seen it work where A partners continued to work together, but quite frankly, I was MAD that she did not insist I quit! I don’t think I would have ever made it without the therapy. On my last session, after two years, my therapist cried as she was telling me how she had seen me grow and become so strong. She said that I should hold my head up high. But, the first day I walked in her office…I felt despair that I did not think we could EVER over come.

Telling your husband gives him the opportunity to be able to help you. He needs to know what he is dealing with to be able to help fix the marriage. He will be better able to support you….but, also, I am afraid that you will see what pain and hurt this causes him. All of this together with the counseling will help you become closer, better able to communicate and see from behind each other’s eyeballs. You can have a marriage you never dreamed you could have.

Good luck and God bless.

What Susan has written here for you is a true gift. Susan has much wisdom relating to your situation. Please listen to her. She is a warm and caring woman with life experience she is willing to share with you, for your benifit.

God Bless

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Thanks Pepper...I don't know how much help I can be, but I have lived it and I am living proof that you CAN survive. You can come out from it with a better marriage. Withdrawal is HELL, but it does eventually end.

And boy, oh boy, I have learned sooooo much... about myself especially, but also about all relationships (and my position within them).

Let me list the reasons why you should inform your husband immediately:
1) If down the line your husband finds out (somehow they usually come out) from someone else then he will be tremedously humiliated and make your recovery very difficult.
2) You are allowing your husband to help you and become part of the process in looking at the issues that would cause you to have a sexaul affair with another man and also put your husband's health at risk and work toward a better relationship.
3) You are proving to your husband that you are very remorseful and are working to regain his trust. By not doing this you continue to humiliate, disrespect and emotional castrate him.
4) The major reason is that if you are honest with your husband the affair will most certainly end because it has been exposed.

Your reason not to tell him because you feel he would feel unhappy because you still work with the other man does not hold water. I think you need to face reality. I would suspect the reason you do not wish to tell your husband is because you really do not wish the affair and the excitement to end. By rationalizing you do not wish to make your husband feel bad, you therefore continue to open up the possibility of continuing the affair at any time. You know by telling your husband the affair would stop immediately and you really do not wish that. You stated that you would die if your husband was doing to you what you are doing to him. What does that tell you about you?
I again encourage for you to show respect to your husband and be honest and open with him so the affair will end and you both can work together on your relationship. At the very least you owe your husband that. Otherwish down the line the affair will continue because you do not have faith in yourself and your relationship to show remorse and be honest with your husband. Only you can decide how you wish to treat your husband
but he has right to know and please do not use the argument you do not want him to feel upset about you working at the same school with the OM.
You should treat people the way you would want to be treated. If the roles were reversed would you want you husband to continue to lie to you?

NT,
I am a BS. I dragged the information about his A out of my FWH. He wouldn't tell me who OW was..said it didn't matter, it was over. But eventually he continued to have contact with her (he made the effort). After I finally found out who she was, I think it all sank in for him. He was very upset, embarrassed, etc. It was like he finally realized what he was doing. If she didn't have a face and a name he had convinced himself that it wasn't wrong. He is now coming out of a very deep depression...one that our counselor said has been going on for years...partly the result of not communicating with me for years...(he always tried to pretend our lives were perfect). This lack of communication resulted in his A which compounded the depression. His mother has had 3 breakdowns in her lifetime. He became physically ill too.(Pepperband is right on)Then his father died and he had to deal with feelings that he wasn't a good son; his father (very religious man) would have been disappointed in him are his exact words.

As a result of his A, I became depressed. It is like dominos...if our kids and parents knew...they would be very unhappy too.

So get the counseling..get the meds...then tell your husband. I would have respected my husband immediately instead of having to rebuild trust and respect all over again..it isn't easy to do, if not impossible in some instances.

My FWH also works with OW. I think she used him to some degree. She walks around all cheery and he comes home to depression. Your OM is using you for his own enjoyment...he is going to ruin your life and move on as if nothing has happened. My FWM OW's husband doesn't even know what happened. She has no intention of fixing her marriage. She is happy I guess. I think you said in another post that your OM isn't in a happy marriage. Do you see a problem here? Get out asap!

Pepper:

I sent you an email. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

^bump^ for Neverthought...update? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />