To all the WS who have had the strength to have no contact with the OP for an extended period of time: If you were to see the OP again, would all of your feelings be gone or are they always there? At this point, would seeing the OP be a setback or would it not matter?

Also, are there any WS who have managed to continue to work with their OP? Any advice on how to make this possible?

never,
it is hard to end an A where both people involved feel that they completely love each other. It has been over a year for me since I sent out my no contact letter to the OM and had any contact with him at all. I still think it would be very harmful to my mental health if I were to run into him today. I am learning to love and care for my H more than before, but there are moments when all those feelings I had for the OM come back and almost overwhelm me. Fortunately, I have learned to share that with my H and he helps me get my focus back. It's those things that show me how much my H loves me and what an honorable and truthful man he is.
I'm very thankful that I didn't work with the OM.
I know that I would never have gotten over him or moved past the A. My marriage would not have been able to survive us being together every day.
It took complete seperation for me to be able to move past all those feelings, no matter how wrong they were. They were very real to me. I think it is like any other grieving process and each step has to be worked out before one is healed enough to totally let go. At least that is how things work for me.

debbie

It has been 9 months since I have seen or talked to the OM. If I were to see him tomorrow, I would just turn and walk away without saying a word. I have no desire to see or speak to him or to hear anything he has to say to me...even if it is just hello. It would not spark any kind of desire or "old" feelings in me. The only feeling it would spark would be disgust.

The only thing I would be concerned about would be the effect it would have on my H. I know it would bother him and set off a load of triggers.

I should also say that there has been an email from the OM a month or so ago. I didn't open it. I called my H and let him open it. It was nothing of consequence. We deleted it without responding. My H and I talked about it for a bit, to put any triggers at bay, and then put it behind us. Although we did worry a bit about him sending another email since we didn't respond. So far, he has not.

I do not work with the OM. I cannot even imagine. I can say that I would have probably immediately quit my job if I had. Because of the hours I work (lots of unaccountable time), I almost quit my job as it is. I am glad that I don't work with the OM. I am also glad that he lives over an hour away. I wouldn't like it if he lived in my town or very near by. That would make things even more difficult.

If I remember correctly -- it's all very fuzzy now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> -- it took just a few months for me to not want to see OM at all. After a while I realized that looking for him and wanting to talk to him was more a habit than anything else. The longer I went without doing any of those things to further contact, the easier it got. Thank goodness it was mutual, and he didn't try to contact me either. That would've made it much harder, I'm sure.

It's been almost 8 years since I last spoke with OM. I've seen him twice, tho; ironically he was a visitor at our church! The first time was after about 3 years (I told my H, who was on duty and missed church), and the second time was a year or so ago. We didn't speak or even make eye contact either time. I think we were both still too ashamed and embarassed. Those were my only feelings, anyway.

It's amazing what clarity of thought we have when we have some time and distance separating us from the OP.

Lori

Interesting question. I broke all contact asap. But thought I saw OM in the park the other day--couldn't tell (I lost my glasses! lol) for sure.

What happened? I felt very sad and depressed. I am not proud of that chapter of my life. On the other hand, that little trip to the park was totally delightful and all about loving my family and enjoying their company.

Kind of a funny thing--the next day we went to a different park--one where OM and I had spent some time together. I hardly thought about him and again it was about my family.

It took some time to reach this place. A friend advised me very early on if I ever see him, just give him a sideways glance like "Do I know you from somewhere?" and walk away. He is nothing but trouble.

At least one of us got our life back. Too bad for him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It took some time. Would my progress be thwarted if I were to run in to him? No, we live in the same area and I fully expect it to happen one day. He might even have a woman with him (I hear he's dating). But yea, I think I would have some feelings. Just not enough to send me in to a panic again. I know I'll always care about him. If something had happend to my hubby and THEN we had discovered feelings for one another...I'm sure we could have truly lived happily ever after. But that wasn't the case. He was a good friend, and it's truly unfortunate that things got so out of control. But they did...and so we pay the price.

So tell us - what happened at the meeting today? Did you see him? How did it go?
Give us an update!

Oh Wiffle, you don't want to know...I've renewed my resolve, though, and am determined to follow through this time. I hate me.

We're waiting.......

Come on, tell it all. This is a great place to tell it anonomously and get some feedback, support and even be held somewhat accountable (even though we are strangers).
We do want to know. Even if it isn't the story you are proud to be telling. We all have those. And we can help cause we've been there (some of us are still there!)

I can't tell you what I did - I am ashamed. For all my big talk about being strong, I caved the moment he gave me that look and invited me to his room. Things went from bad to worse and in the back of my mind, I was aware that this was stupid and wrong and a major setback. BUT I do have to say that, if nothing else, I learned that he isn't the man I thought he was. I learned that he doesn't have respect for me, nor the feelings he professed. And I learned what it felt like to be a whore. I am truly disgusted by myself and can't even look my husband in the eye. I'll write more later when I can put it all into words.

Stop beating yourself up. You've already heaped enough shame on your head for your actions. A terrible error in judgement that we LEARN FROM has a purpose in our lives. Maybe this is something that you were not going to get any other way.
I know I have done things that in hindsight I simply cannot believe, but when I look back on the circumstances I realize that for whatever reason it took 'that' for me to finally "get it".
Sounds like maybe you needed one more dose of it with him for you to hit bottom. Most of the time we don't change our behavior until we do.

You are still a good person. You screwed up. You know it. You want to do the right thing. You will.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you, Wiffle. Your post brought on the tears and your understanding, not judgement, is more than I deserve.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by neverthought:
<strong> I learned that he doesn't have respect for me, nor the feelings he professed. And I learned what it felt like to be a whore. I am truly disgusted by myself and can't even look my husband in the eye. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, Neverthought. Your post brought back painful memories that brought tears to my eyes. I do know just how you must be feeling right now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

That same circumstance was the absolute end for my A. It made me realize that I had come to despise myself and the OM. What we had done was disgusting and immoral and caused NOTHING but turmoil and pain for every single person involved. I only wish the "active" OP and WSs who've recently come to this board could understand how black the darkness caused by an affair can be. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Ok, so now you know what the bottom feels like. No place to go but up...don't drag yourself to the bottom again. Stay away from OM completely until you KNOW you're stronger.

Lori

NT,
I am here for you too.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Please open up to us. We are not here to judge. Heck, I've been no angel myself. Who am I to judge? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
1step

Well, I certainly agree. There is no need to beat yourself up. We are trying to cheer you on, but, you have no idea how many times I tried to start each day with a new resolve, only to fail again. And, I beat myself up too. (I should be nothing more than one bloody pulp right now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> )

Now, we start again today. Our goal is 30 days. A small step at a time. One day at a time. Let's just get through today and work toward 30 days of doing the best possible "no contact" you can do in your situation (working with him, I still don't advocate it, but you have got to start somewhere.)

And we will have NO NEGATIVE SELF TALK young lady. If you fail, we will just renew our plan with positive reinforcement!

One question. Did you tell him yesterday that you were beginning your recovery and committing to your marriage?

So, how about if today is Day 1...no contact, no email, no talking to him. Want to give it a try?

<small>[ July 31, 2002, 11:33 AM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>

neverthought

Come on....share. I know it is hard to tell a story that your are not proud of but it helps. It helps just getting off your chest and it helps us help you.

We are here for you. No judgements. Like 1step said, "who am I to judge?" I cannot judge you. We have all made some mistakes. There are many of us here that are none too proud of some of the things we have done. But we are all here to share our experiences so that someone else may also learn from them.

So....take a deep breath....exhale....now type and tell us all what is on your mind. We are behind you. You can do it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Regretting

You guys are all so great. I don't know what to say except that I messed up royally. The long and short of it is, I went in with the intention of saying what I'd planned about ending things, blah, blah, blah. But before all the words could even come out of my mouth, he was closing the door and kissing me. I really tried not to let this happen. I said we shouldn't be doing this. I said we were going to be caught. I said that I wanted us to be able to work together just as friends. But my words did not deter him and I was sucked back into the whole damn mess.

And to make things even worse, although we've never had SI, I allowed things to progress beyond where they ever had before. But that's not even the worst part...as we were doing what we were doing, he was talking "dirty" and saying things to me that, when I think back on them, were very degrading. Maybe that is his idea of "making love", but it surely isn't mine. He was extremely rough, seemingly angry - as though I was making him do something he didn't want to do. I've never seen him this way before and all I can think about is this is how a man must treat a prostitute. In it for his own satisfaction, enjoying being tough, dirty language the likes of which I've really never considered using.

This contradicts the sweet, sensitive guy that I fell for back in December. He wrote me poetry, for God's sake! He would pour out his heart to me, telling me things in his past that he said he had never shared with anyone before. He was gentle and kind and looked for little nice ways to please me. The man I was with yesterday was not him.

But add to that how degraded I feel and little respect he must have for me. I'm glad that no one else knows about it, because then there would be more than one person who knew how low I am. Why does it matter to me what he thinks even still?!!

And I get home yesterday afternoon feeling mixed up and degraded and find a message on my machine from my H, just calling to see how my day was going to to tell me he loved me. What is wrong with me?????

So OK we start today and I don't contact, is that the plan? Or do I send NC letter, since I didn't get to say what I wanted yesterday? Just knowing that I'll have to deal with him in person eventually makes me unsure of how to proceed. I am so angry at myself...and him.

I would like to apologize to all the BS who are reading this and wondering why I should expect any sympathy. Let me just say that if anybody reading this is considering having an A, I will be the first one to tell you it is not worth it, the pain is too great, the emotions too intense, and the ending can never be good.

Thank you again - all of you - you are the best and I'm afraid I'll be relying on you heavily in the days ahead.

NT,

As you know I am not a WS so really shouldn't be posting this. But, I read your last post and I have a few things to say. I am afraid you won't like reading them one bit. As an older guy, I am NOT very fond of the feminist movement. Personally, I think it has out lived its usefulness.

That said: I have only one question for you. When are you going to get a backbone???

You just stood there and let a man abuse you. What the H*** is wrong with you? If he had left a few bucks on the table would you have felt that at least he was honest??

I am being harsh, because I cannot stand to see grown women or actually any woman/girl taken advantage of and YOU allowed it. You allowed this.

NT, you need to grow a backbone and start to face the music. The man who loves you, you lie to and cheat on. The man that abuses you and your marriage you have strong feelings for and now feel used. All of this is happening because you are letting it, because you won't face the music with your H.

NT, this isn't going to get better until you start to stand up for yourself and the things you believe in. If it is being used, then quit lying to your H and do him the honor of divorcing him. Then you can give OM what he wants from you without guilt. He isn't leaving his W and family, he just wants something to make going to work more "fun".

But, as low as he is, you are doing the same. He is using you, and you are using your H.

Time for that reality check, and time to sit down and figure out what is important in your life. When you do stand up for it and fight for it.

Ok, now I have vented. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I apologize and I will return you to the capable hands of Susan, Wiffle, Fresh Start ( I will answer you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , at peace, and regretting. You are getting good advice from them, listen to them carefully.

I hope for your sake that you can sort this out. I know it is hard, and that is why everyone is saying get help.

God Bless,

JL

NT,
I am afraid to say it, but JL is right. The behavior that you are exhibiting is truly self destructive.

My first reaction when I read your story was to tell you to drop the creep!!! And I still believe that.

You need help, in a BIG way. We can give you advice here, but that is about all we can do. You need to reach out to flesh and blood human being. Do you have anyone to talk to?

I am afraid that the only way out of this mess is to confess to your H. The sooner you do, the sooner you can begin a true recovery. If you want my opinion, I think he will be able to handle it. Especially if you are sincerly sorry for what you have done.

This man has too much power over you for you to fight this alone. I really don't think that you can avoid him on your own. I know you are afraid your H will leave you. But look at it this way. There are lots of BS's on this board and most of them would give anything to get their WS's back. Love just doesn't turn off like that. Believe me, I know.

Please, take my advice into consideration.
1step