what do yall think.. had it out with fil over his past adultery and drug use... even confronted him that he used to sell coke... his son told me this... his answer to all drug issues.. denial... adultery... not much....

his only deal during this, telling son he hopes he is happy, giving son money and sending kids gifts to son... I am off all chirsitmas lists , etc.. since son is unhappy with me..

what gives... that i confronted the truth, andthe liar father lies to me as well.

I think this may b e an issue for my h to forgive me. is there a way to build peace with fil, even if I dont like him anymore?

H

Honey,

I would apologize to him. This is not about him at all. What he did in the past is strictly his business and I can just imagine how offended he was to have his secrets thrown up in his face in an act of pure vengeance. It's sad that many parents defend the bad actions of their kids, but you can't change that, honey. You do owe him an apology and I hope you follow through.

Honey,

do you feel like posting the letter up here for us to review? If not, we understand!!

short draft...w riting right now..have tried a few, but they dont seem to work... i keep wanting to bring up h and his problems... the A's and the alcohol and other substances....

Dear fil,

I want to apologize for bringing up your past faults and personal failtures in my anger at you over the status of h and I's marriage.

i understand that you did not make him do what he is doing, regardless of what you have done.

I have always liked you and I am sorry this situation brought out a wicked tongue in me that damaged our relationship.

I hope that for the sake of all of us, the kids and adults alike... you can forgive me for what I sd in anger.

I should not of brought out damaging things that J had told me in confidence, and I am sorry that I did that.

draft..

comments?

h <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Just my opinion but this letter isn't an apology - it's more a case of you pointing out his faults again and saying you wish you hadn't used them against him. Let me show you how I would do it:

FIL,

I'm writing to apologize about the things I said to you in anger. I'm at a bad point in my life right now. I am frustrated and not dealing well with things. I know I was wrong in holding you responsible for Jim's actions and reactions. I have always liked you and I hope that we can find a way to remain friendly for the sake of my children, your grandchildren. Please accept my apologies and know that I regret that I allowed my anger to damage our relationship. I hope to hear from you.

better td, I seem to ha ve probl not thinking about how he helped to cause this.... I like your version better...

they seem to think..inlaws I wont let them talk or mail kids at home... ? I may have even sd they are no longer the grandparents... I think I did.... OK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> should I say

feel free to contact the kids at our home whenever you would like? thanks, td... you are wonderful... I love your letter... I just cant do it... i did used to really like these people...

h

Yes, you should add a line that says something like:

Please feel free to call the kids or visit them any time you like. They would love to hear from you and my home is always open to you.

Honey, I would love to shake some sense into your H. Geez this guy needs to wake up and grow up!

Honey,
I agree with Tiny Dancer's version, your first pass seemed to "remind" him of his faults.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Please feel free to call the kids or visit them any time you like. They would love to hear from you and my home is always open to you.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">After that I would add an additional line something like:
"You are (children's names) grandparent and I don't want to jeapordize that relationship no matter what happens to me and H."

I think its important to say something to that affect, you know that WH will find out what is in it, will look less manipulating if you add the "no matter what happens" part.

What do you think, Tiny D?

Yep going_crazy, that's perfect!

Now remember Honey, you are the better person taking the high road here. as much as you want to scream at them, bite your tongue. (I have scar tissue built up on my tongue, LOL!!) You want them to see you as being sweet and loving, definitely your advantage.

Hi Honey: Looks like you have gotten a lot of good advice on the letter. So, I want to touch on the fault issue you have here.

Forgive me if I come across as stepping on toes. I don't mean to and I don't mean to offend in any way. I am just trying to help.

We are all individuals. Sure our pasts have an effect on us as people, but just because our parents did one thing does not mean we are destined to do the same. Your FIL's faults are just that - his. They are not the cause of your H's faults. You husband is perfectly capable of deciding for himself to do or not to do. I assume that, since you mentioned they are his past faults, that your FIL has already done his dues for his errors in life. The reason I bring this up is because neither of my parents had an affair, but it is me that is the WS. Now, on the other hand, my MIL has cheated and her second husband had many affairs. However, even though he grew up with it all around him, and even though he had every reason (considering my lack of showing interest in him) my DH never cheated on me - no, he said very faithful.

I bring this up only to try to help you to come to peace with your FIL's shortcomings. We all have our faults, some worse than others. Don't hold him responsible for your H's actions. Maybe he did contribute, but ultimately your H has to stand and own his faults and make amends for them.

I hope this helps some. I wish you the best, and hope that things can be civil between you and your IL's. Good luck to you and take care.

thanks to everyone with some nice stationary tonightwill write the letter... also need to send one to grandmother in law.. she kind of raised h, and I brought up her son, my fil bad pts to her.... she thinks the Adultery and drug issues are all lies.. well her son tells her so... but I want to appologize to this sweet lady... i basically brought up his terrible upbringing to grandmother in hopes that she wuold help me.. with h.. her grandson, but now she buys into theory that I am nuts, and making up lies.. fortunatley she is a strong christian lady and I think that deep down she at least knows her son had the a... even if she wants to deny it... obviously I was flipping out by trying to explain to her, that her sons a had something to do with my h's a... and the ultimate effect on me and the kids...

well anyway... i read some book saying adultery transcends generations, and ahs to be healed for it to stop... that book obviously got the best of me...

thanks, and hugs a million for alll of the help, h <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

one more question, though these conversations wer e not with latest step motherinlaw... should I address letter to both or just to her? hugs, H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Maybe adultery DOES transcend generations in SOME cases..Everyone in my family had affairs..NO ONE in my H's family did..yet, he cheated and I didn't.
My mother was a serial OW...If I chose to have an affair,it would no more be her fault than YOURS, honey!! Your FILs actions did not cause your H to cheat..I know you can see the contribution he made but I promise, he didn't take your H's hand and lead him astray..Your H is RUNNING to be astray...and I think he would even if his father didn't condone it...

WHO CARES what his father did? I could tell stories about my mother that would curl your hair, believe me. I didn't want to be like my mother..MY choice.If your h wants to like his father, that's HIS choice,not his father's and not yours.

Apologize and stay away except for the sake of your kids...Start earning respect back and take back your life...for your kids.

Hi Honey, You once recommended some books on codependency to me, I was wondering if you had actually read any of these? I know that you have been very badly done by, and you are very angry about it.

You can choose to not be a victim to this behaviour and game playing, that is unless you like being part of the game, if so, why keep asking for advice?

'I'm sorry for my actions' is a true apology and all is you need to say.

People make mistakes, people get over them, some don't. Your H and his/your family will heal in their own time if you stop continually bringing up their mistakes.

You are good person Honey, you deserve to not be involved in these games.

i truly believe my fil higly contributed to the mess we are in, and I really feel anger at him, and prob. always will... he encourages his son to just be happy.. regardless of whatever that means.. he is a man who has no idea on human family relationships.... ok? seriously, the problem I have with writing this letter... I know it might mhelp my h... is that .... I do not encourage my kids realtions with him... and I am not sure we should be visiting a man , who helped teach my kids dad this kind of behavior is what a dad does. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

thanks, H

honey..you are looking for somewhere to put the blame,ANYWHERE but where it belongs,ON YOUR H!!!

Your fil taught by example...(WHY is it that kids never learn from parents good examples..LOL).Is that what you mean and encourages him to be happy? WHY do you think he does that? Because YOUR H Is telling him(his father) that he is miserable with YOU!!
HIs dad is telling him what he is doing is OK and that's why you're mad? YOU can't MAKE him be a good dad... Either of them...tyhey have to learn their OWN lessons...

Please, honey, your FIL did NOT cause this...I HAD A SCUMBAG parent,who I lived with..and an absent Father that I never saw after my parents D when I was a baby...It WOULD have been better if I had lived with my nice father But he DIDN'T want me.

I saw horrible things as a young teenager,especially.I CHOSE and so DID YOUR H..

Please talk to someone about this,honey...My H had a WONDERFUL childhoodm, with two supportive parents,NO AFFAIRS, church every Sunday,enough of everything and HE cheated..A CHOICE...

I am not trying to hurt you. I can FEEL how hurt oyu are...how much you have been abused by your H...He is NOT a man I would want for a father,much less for MY OWN CHILDREN..It IS a tragedy but it HIS tragedy..He will wake up some day and realize what he lost...

Think about this..What if he comes home,and your sons,someday, do something like he has done, as adults. Is it HIS FAULT?? Or is it yours for letting him influence them? OR do they make a choice between right and wrong..based on what you have taught them?

sorry- donbt want to argue... but... like father like son, and yes, I am worried aabuot what my kids are learning from their "dad" right now...

thanks, h

Honey,

Yes, your husband grew up in a bad environment.
No, he did not have a good role model as a parent.

However, what about the former wives of the FIL. Did they just throw in the towel?? FIL has alot of unresolved issues, never knew how to have a "right" marriage and probably never will. Your WH also has probably seen the reactions of the former wives from his father.

Now, I am getting back to you. You need to decide what YOU are going to do. This is your chance to be the positive role model in this situation. As much as we want to, we cannot blame people, it will hurt us in the long run. We can take partial responsibility for the environment that caused the affair, but it was ultimately his decision to do it, and unfortunately his sickness does not help.

You need to rise up above them, don't sink down to the FIL's level. Be strong for yourself.

Honey, I thought you were writing the letter as a genuine apology and a way to make amends with you children's grandfather but it appears you are trying to make points with your H, Don't send a letter that isn't genuine and heartfelt. Don't send a letter that is meant to manipulate your H into thinking you are different. Don't send a letter that you think will repair your marriage.

Quite honestly I think you should forget about the letter, forget about the in-law's and forget about your H.

I really feel for you. I understand you want to save your marriage, but some times there's nothing to save.

My first marriage was over the minute I walked out the door. He begged, pleaded, made promises, sent flowers, etc and none of it mattered. He could have handed me the Hope diamond on a gold platter and I wouldn't have gone back. It sounds like this is where your H is right now.

You have tried being nice, being mean, flipping out, being calm, begging, ignoring, pleading, using the kids - none of it worked. He isn't rational right now and he isn't coming back any time soon.

You need to be the example for your son's. You need to be the better person. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and move on as if he never existed. Call a lawyer and make him support the boys. You really have no other choice.