I'm new to these boards and am torn as to whether we the (BS) should "protect" our WS by not divulging their infidelity to friends, relatives, children etc. Will it knock them off the fence if they see their dirty little secrets being talked about by others? James Dobson in "Love Must be Tough" presents scenarios where depriving the WS of this "protection" can be a good thing. I know my own WS is paranoid that others will find out. Anybody I have told in the past though, she considers off-limits now because "I'm sure they're talking about me". My WS is a "cake eater" and I'm getting desperate. Will "busting" them make things better or worse? I would really appreciate opinions. Thanks very much.

Hi Yank - I chose not to keep their secret, only to find out that EVERYONE knew before I did. What did happen, though, is that a couple we thought were our dearest friends, will have nothing to do with WH now, even though we are in the beginning stages of recovery.

When I first started telling people, WH got VERY angry with me. My response was that if it is something that he is embarassed to have other people know or that he has to hide, he should not be doing it in the first place. I would also remind him that, when we first met, he was so proud of me and wanted to introduce me to everyone he knew and talked about me all the time. Then, I would ask him why he wasn't proud of OW such that he did not take here around to meet all of his/our friends when she was here visiting (she lives in the UK, we live in the States), was he ashamed of her? Why?

Just my thoughts,

Brit's Brat/BS-41
WH-43
DS-10 months
Current status: Very early stages of recovery (WH is still in the withdrawal stage)

yank:

I've gotten some experience with this in my own situation. I found out in January. Told my D and MIL in March, at a time when I thought I was going to end my M. Then a week and a half ago, I told one of my sisters, and MIL told my BIL and his W. My SIL figured it out on her own about 2 weeks ago, based on my W's over-reaction to something she did.

Do I think it helps? Not really. It does serve to burst the bubble a little perhaps, but in my W's case, she's simply decided not to talk to these people about anything deeper than watering the garden. No R talks at all. Certainly, she won't talk about the A at all with anyone. It is also possible to have it backfire on you, I suppose. You might drive your W into OM's arms, because she could perceive her family and friends as "against" her.

In the end, it really probably depends on your own situation and people involved. But compared to the MB "methods" that have been demonstrated to work the best, the issue of telling or not telling friends and relatives isn't particularly important.

BUT, and this is more important: You should probably just focus on your plan A for now. You don't want your W to resent you later for making the decision to end her A FOR HER. You WANT her to choose YOU on her OWN. So, a good plan A is essential, followed, if needed, by a good plan B.

Brit's Brat and 2Long,

Thanks. I think I am "grasping at straws" right now. My WW tells me there is no contact, then I find his number on her cell phone. She tells me she hasn't seen him in weeks, then I find she has been to his apartment. Asking her about it is an LB. Driving to his apartment and seeing her there, confronting her etc. is an LB. Asking her where she's been when she comes home is an LB. I can't seem to stop "LB'ing". My wife is always busy and gone alot. I am not nearly as busy. Sitting here at home when she is gone is maddening. She tells me she doesn't want a divorce but she's still lying to me?? She plays the stupid distancer/pursuer game. She's wearing me down. I went from pretty effective plan A for seven months to this. I can't plan B. We have two kids and WW will not move out. I am not moving out. Sorry to vent. I just really don't know what to do right now. A couple of weeks ago, WW thought I had been with another woman. I was not. She went ballistic! Oh, the insanity.

yank:

Do what I did last week - schedule an appointment with one of the Harleys!

My W hasn't claimed "no contact" at all, in fact she admits to having a private email account specifically for communicating with OM. She doesn't see him, though, so far as I can tell (he lives in another state, but has family in this area). But I think I feel pretty much the way you do about plan B. I tried to do it without the benefit of Harley counseling 2 weeks ago for a week, but ended up coming back home and getting a prescription for prozac (you might want to look into anti-depressants yourself). My kids are older (daughter is in England for 5 months, son is in high school), but we have strong ties to family and our house is being rebuilt after a fire last year. Complicated stuff. I called Steve Harley last week to get coaching from the "source" of the plans I'm following. I feel a lot better able to deal with my situation now than even a few weeks ago. Still don't know what's going to happen, but I'm less worried about it than I was. Certainly less anxious.

take care,

2long,

I will call Steve. It's funny but when I feel my W really cares about what happens, it's much easier to cope, sort of a feeling like I'm more in control. When I sense though, that she doesn't care, I feel like I have lost control. I don't really understand why I need her validation. I should just be able to move on. Incidentally, are your children aware of the A? If so, what was their reaction?

yank:

I felt the same way you do about my W caring or not caring. I found that when I felt like she cares (and she really does, fogged or not), I got my hopes and expectations up regarding our recovery, then when something happened, like the admission of the private email account that's "none of your business", I took an emotional nose-dive. The prozac has helped me considerably. I resisted taking ADs for 6 months, and wish now that I hadn't. It would have helped me with plan A all this time.

My D is aware of the A, my son isn't. My D has handled it very well, considering. She initially told her mom that she'd never speak to her again if she kept her "friendship" with her OM, but since then I think she's learned that this will take time. They deal with each other on a "family" level, and don't talk about the A at all. I've talked to my D about it recently, just before she left for England, and she's doing very well. The whole experience has helped her put her own relationships into better perspective for her. So that's good. My son knows there's a problem, but doesn't know what it is. I would rather he not find out until we've worked through them, but I think he'll have to know eventually.

I am the WW, so you may be interested in my opinion or you may not.

Initially my H and I only told close friends, and then hemmed and hawed over telling our family for weeks. Because we live so close to them and usually spend a great deal of time with them, we had to tell them we were separated after a while. Then, my H decided to tell his parents everything to clear his own name (they were accusing him of cheating on me.) I think he could've just told them they were wrong, and left it at that. Too late now.

My reaction to my H telling friends and family was initially to avoid them at all costs out of shame. Then many of them came around and said things like "we all make mistakes, and you're still a good person, and still my friend", and still accept me as their friend and in fact have been quite supportive.

However, my H told his parents, and as of yesterday, this means that because they have told him to throw me out, that the progress we were making on our marriage (and we were making some) is now out the window. He has decided to follow their wishes. Kind of sad I know that a 30 year old man can allow his parents to control him, but he's allowing it.

If my inlaws didn't know, we would've had a much better chance at saving this marriage. My own parents don't know the whole truth, because they love me enough to accept that I want to keep this between my H and I in the interests of saving our marriage. My H's parents (well, his mom) are extremely meddling, and just can't live without knowing EVERYTHING about anything, and being in control of everything somehow.

So, basically, think about it long and hard before you tell people everything. If your intention by telling people is to punish your spouse, the withdrawal of your love and affection is punishment enough. Keep in mind too that when you tell everyone, as my H has said frequently was his fear, that people may think that YOU were unable to meet your spouse's needs, so that's why she had an affair (and you end up looking bad).

If your intention by telling people is to gain their support and to have someone to talk to for advice, then by all means tell some close friends, or a close sibling. Then your intentions are good.

I don't think telling a bunch of people for the sake of retalliation is very healthy. It makes me think of the phrase "two wrongs don't make a right."

Well that's just my 2 cents worth.

Good luck,

Jen

I just wanted to say that what I have done to help my h. come to terms with how inappropriate and destructive his online relationships are. I am his sanctuary. I let him know he can tell me anything and we will deal with it. I try to provide a supportive atmosphere so he can talk to me about this problem. It has worked much better than confrontation, accusations, which did not ellicit a confession at all but rather made him defensive and angry. Since then, I have been (what I consider) a good plan A person. No lbs, no judgement, just look at this like it is a relationship problem that I want a strong marriage, if he does too, then we need to work on it. Luckily for me, he said he does want to work on it. In the beginning he wasn't sure, but as I showed him the strengths of our marriage and spent time on doing things we liked together, he came to his senses a little more. Now, I feel he has opened up to me more and started to see the problem. He is still in the fog but I get glimpses that he is also coming out (Like I can see his nose now). Its not solved, but its on the table and we can discuss how to improve our relationship so we can both be happy. In my experience with him, being able to talk to him about it without getting upset is essential. I think WS assume you will just lose it and so feel trapped since they do care for you and dont want to hurt you. Show them they can tell you, that you will be hurt but that you can also still be rational. If you are here on these board, you must feel that way somewhat. The important thing is to make sure the WS knows that. Always, I focus on how I love him and will help him in any way I can, but I cannot allow him to have inappropriate realtionships with other women. When I do talk about the other relationships, I focus on what he thinks he might be getting from them that I cannot provide. My H. admits it is not love, for he has that with me. That at least gives me hope that we may be able to overcome this.

Luci

<small>[ August 06, 2002, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: Luci ]</small>

2long,

Thanks for your response. I'm so conflicted about my children. I have to lie to them and I HATE TO LIE! I am afraid, though, if I told them, their perception of their mother would be forever changed. My WW is also terrified of that. Did your daughter finding out and confronting your W not cause your W to rethink the A?

Jen Brown,

Thank you. I'm sorry you're going through this heartache. It does sound like your husband is way too dependent on his parents. I have to admit that part of me wants to "tell on" her in order to get her back. I know that's not right but when you have been mortally wounded repeatedly, the mind hatches some pretty illogical scenarios. The taker says, "if she would just quit what she's doing, then I'd do the right thing". I know ethics should not be situational, but that is the mind game. Thanks again. I hope somehow things can work out for you.

Luci,

Thank you. You have my admiration for your ability to take the "high road". Swallowing my pride seems to be so difficult for me. I guess I'm afraid my WW will detect weakness in me and not like it. Don't women want to see "strength" in a man and a refusal to accept being a "doormat"?

yank,

I'm of a little bit different opinion when it comes to breaking up the A. Let me try to explain.

Let's not forget the A is "magical" to the parties involved. It's a fixation on the fantasy, secrets, lies, blah, blah, blah. The parties are "true soulmates" experiencing what no man or woman ever has before (ha). In reality, they're living in in a "bubble" sheltered from real life. Well why can't we put a pin in the bubble and at least "assist" them in coming back to earth.

In our situation, I intentionally discussed the story openly to family and friends early on and I do think it had an effect in the A ending. During my discussions, I also talked about my wrong doing in the M. It wasn't very long after people knew about the A, that it did start to break-up. I discovered something pretty remarkable in these days and times - people DO NOT condone infidelity. My belief is it just exerts more pressure to end the A. They still have to make the final decision on their own to return and work on the M.

I did seem to have some minor damage trying to reverse this damage in recovery. We have a few friends that seem as though they do not want to be involved much with us any longer. But, I will say that my WW sometimes goes through great lengths to keep a distance from knowing parties because of embarassment, etc. At first she was angry about others knowing our personal business but it has really never been mentioned since. Also, I am seeing an improvement over a year ago. We've all heard it, time heals all! An A is such a powerful destrutor as it effects more than two - four people!!!

In summary I am FOR letting other family and friends know. I think it is just another way of showing them reality of the "real world." It is still up to the WS to try and make the M work.

Ultimately, only you can make the decision. I hope this helps...

MITT

MakingItThruThis,

You have just illustrated the dilemma. Some say it helps, some say it causes LB's, resentment etc. I try to put myself in the position of the WS and ask how I would react if my W told everyone. Would it cause a premature end to my A? I'm just not sure.

Yank,

I like Brits Brat, found out later that pretty much everyone knew. I was in bosnia as this was going on and my WW had decided the marriage was over and then pursued this guy. So, it was pretty much out in the open back here.

But now, she is being very closed to everyone, and has asked me to do also. I guess there is no set answer to all of this. it just depends on your WS. but I would think that both the WS and BS would want to keep this as closed as possible, especially if things work out, because you would want it to just disappear.

In His arms.

yank:

"Did your daughter finding out and confronting your W not cause your W to rethink the A?"

Strange as it may seem, it had NO effect WHATSOEVER on my W's behavior. Still doesn't, so far as I can tell.

Actually, I think that some of what is said between us and her knowing that other people are learning what's happened is probably having SOME small effect on her thinking, but it will take time for that to show, if it ever does in a substantial way. I just PLAN to NOT get my expectations up over any of it. That's what has hurt me the most in the last couple of months.

Mortarman and Brit's Brat,

Thank you. My W is very concerned with image and what people think about her. I don't know if that changes the dynamics of this. Yes, I'm sure that far more people already know that I can think but many do not. My wife would be mortified if everyone knew but I just still don't know if that's a good thing, a bad thing, or makes no difference. Thanks for your input. Brit's Brat, that's amazing that her daughter knowing would not prompt your W to at least re-think what in the heck she is doing.

Yank,

I have told my own family, about what is happening in me and W life, and I keep them up to date on what ever is happening. I cant tell you how many time's over 15yrs that my own family blamed me for all of me and my W problem's, but they dont live with her and she could act like the perfect DIL. They now tell me they will stand behind what ever I decide to do. But my family will also support my W, they have unconditional love for her, she is my W. Her own family has known about her childhood because they were there, and they did what I thought they would do, they evaporated into thin air. As far as close friend's they know some, because they knew something was going on. My W is handling them knowing OK, but she is afraid when she tell's me more they will turn and run, I dont know if I will tell them more, but at this point I dont know what more is, my gut is killing me.

I guess one "danger" of telling others about the A is that your W may just better "partition" her secret second life away from those around her. I think that's what mine has done.

dredthesilence and 2long,

Thanks for your replies. Both of your answers just confirm that it's difficult to know what to do. It "just depends." 2long, good point. I constantly have to remind myself that an A is like an addiction. Seeming, upstanding citizens will lie in their own vomit in the gutter in order to get their drug of choice. Is it logical? No. Are they harming themselves? Yes. Do they put everything at risk? Yes. I keep trying to come up with what seem like logical strategies but when we're dealing with addiction, nothing is logical. Somebody said the A will only end when the WS wants it to, no earlier. I know we can create conditions to postpone or destroy that moment but can we create conditions to hasten it? I don't know.

"I guess there is no set answer to all of this. it just depends on your WS. but I would think that both the WS and BS would want to keep this as closed as possible, especially if things work out, because you would want it to just disappear."
________________

I wholeheartedly agree with Mortarman's comment here. This is the primary reason why I wanted to keep as many family and friends in the dark as possible. I felt that the more people that knew the harder it would be to repair things.

Since your WW is still actively involved in the affair though, your situation is very different than mine. Have you mentioned to your wife the POSSIBILITY of telling your family, your friends and asked how she feels about it? If she doesn't care, and is still up in the clouds in her affair, it won't have an effect on her behaviour anyways. But if you see terror in her eyes when you mention this, and she starts begging you not to tell, then telling may be effective. Heck, just threatening to tell may be the effective step you need to take, without actually having to tell everyone. I'm NOT saying I would encourage you to tell, but have a conversation with your W about it, and try to gage what her reaction would be if you did. A simple conversation with her is harmless, so I say satisfy your curiosity at least.

You never know, she may say, "Please don't tell everyone, I'll end the affair," or at least lean in that direction.

Good luck and thanks for your supportive comments,

Jen