In my situation my XW had an EA for 3 years and PA for the last year with my best friend across the street. She move out of my bedroon and into his. She also told a lot of lies about me so I made it a point to tell everyone we knew basically that she had been cheating on me with my best friend and moved out my bedroom into his. No embelishments. Let the facts stand. That help to clear the slate with a lot of my/our friends in regards to me. She was really pissed at this and was *****ing at me for hurting her. All I said was I was not going to let you two live the lie and to stop telling lies about me. If you two are going to make you have to live what you've done.

Now they are on an island and almost everyone has shut them out and a few people are causing trouble for them. She thought the trouble came from me, but it didn't. I've tried to be as nice and supportive as I can since I know it will not last anyway.

The important thing if you do tell is to stick to the facts.

Jen,

Yes, their is a look of terror in my wife's eyes when I mention the possibility of telling others. It is quickly replaced though, with defiance because she refuses to let me see her "sweat". Her greatest fear is the kids finding out but holding that over her head makes me feel kind of sleazy. I did tell a friend in the neighborhood that my W and I are "having some problems." As a result of that, she now doesn't want to be around him. Would telling others cause her to change her behavior? I don't know. It's a risk. It could backfire and be major LB. However, as I stated earlier, my W is very image conscious. What others think of her is HUGE. Everything must be perfect - her body, her hair, big house, Mercedes. Her identity is totally defined by how others perceive her. Does that mean telling is a good thing? I'm still not sure. Maybe since image IS so important to her, telling others might be an even bigger LB than it otherwise would be.

Across the Street,

Man, you have my sympathy! Moving in with your former best friend across the street is just so wrong. Her depth of character (or lack thereof) tells me you are probably better off without her. Thanks for your comments.

I see your point about it perhaps being a huge LB, in particular because your W is so image conscious.

I agree with the previous post's remark about if you do tell, tell the truth and stick to it. My H told a partial truth (okay, he told them a LIE) about what was going on, and now it's making things worse. Don't destroy the trust you have with your family and friends too. If you choose to tell, be completely honest.

Or, go the route I went with my own parents, and that hasn't blown up in my face. I told them that we are separated, and that it is because of something very hurtful that I did that my H has to decide if he can forgive me for (and that I wasn't willing to discuss it any further). I also emphasize that it was more than me saying the wrong thing. This cleared my H's name, and gave him relief. But, the wrong kind of people can't be satisfied with this amount of information, eg. my inlaws, so again do whatever you feel fits your situation.

Jen

In one of my IC sessions I asked my C this concerning telling people in my church. He told me that it was totally up to me and what made me feel comfortable. He stated that there is nothing wrong with telling the truth and that, if asked, and I felt comfortable, I should tell people. I was afraid that my H and I were able to work things out, he would be ashamed to come back to church, but I took my C's advice. And I am happy to say that my former WH still comes to church with me.

Breanna,

Thanks for your reply. Glad to hear your H is still going to church with you. I sometimes feel like I am just succumbing to my W threats of severely detaching if I tell others. I just feel like an enabler hiding her secret.

I told certain members of my family just because we were splitting up and I needed their support and I felt they had a right to know. My family also has an emotional investment in me and I felt my close family had a right to know. Had we split up, I probably would have told his parents the reason also. My WS was certainly embarrassed about much of this, as he should have been, but he faced it like a man and is on good terms with everyone except one sister. My closest sister hates him and will have nothing to do with him, but that is one of the consequences. While it isn't pleasant, there are consequences to having an affair.

As a FWS, I thought I would add my two cents for what it is worth. Like most WSs, I did not want anyone to know. But my H insisted right from the start that certain people had to be told. However, we have been very selective about who we have told.

We told our parents, a few family members, and a few close friends. We did not tell the whole country. However, I will add that people have a way of finding things out. Some people who you don't think will talk, talk.

I would recommend telling some people but be very careful about who you choose to tell. Like I said, some people like to talk. And you will definately find out who your real friends are.

In my case, as an example, I told my "best friend", who ended up deserting me for a few months. In the interium, she told someone that I would have only considered an aquaintance. That aquaintance has ended up being a very strong support, advice giver, and all around friend.

People surprise you. In both good and bad ways. But for the most part, we have gotten nothing but support from those we have told. So in the end, I think it is a good thing that certain people be told. I wouldn't recommend you going and shouting it from the roof tops but just quietly talk with those your believe will give both you and your spouse the support you need. But also be prepared for some fall out from both the WS and the people you tell.

We told our family members EVERYTHING together - I went to make sure all the "bases" were covered (i.e, his EA with other woman, the fact that H was initiating the separation, that I wanted to restore our Marriage, etc...). Prior to that we had agreed on what H would say, and I felt it important that it come from him since he's the one who was "flaking out" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

However, with our friends, only our pastor & his wife know the whole story (incl. affair, now PA). (I work for our church.) I didn't want to "paint hubby into a corner" and make it more difficult for restoration and acceptance by our group of friends...most of whom are from church and should not be judgemental but are also human. I think most people are going to assume there is another person involved no matter what you say. It's unfortunate, but true.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by yank:
<strong>... She tells me she hasn't seen him in weeks, then I find she has been to his apartment. Asking her about it is an LB. Driving to his apartment and seeing her there, confronting her etc. is an LB. Asking her where she's been when she comes home is an LB...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hold it there, Yank! Plan A is about working on yourself as well as "negotiating without LBing that the wayward ceases contact". Of course, hearing that contact has to stop is bad news in ANY waywards' ears, but that's not the point. The point is THE WAY you discuss this. For example, saying that contact has to stop while threatening, screaming, shouting is most likely an LB. However, calmly explaining that a) you're very hurt, b) you can't see any recovery & future, c) each time you find out you get more depressed, lose the will to invest into the relationship is NOT an LB. just keep your cool and tell her that over and over. even if she explodes (as did my wife), some of it sinks in over time.

Nick123,
Thanks for the response. I know you're right about LB's. My W is just so patronizing though. If I tell her continued contact really hurts me, her answer is typically, "we were just talking. I need to talk to him about some things. You told me you are leaving me so I have to talk to OM since it involves him. It's unadulterated crap but her doublespeak really gets to me. If she would just have a reasonable, honest conversation with me as I see so many of these WS having, I could handle it. All I get though is avoidance and disengenous bullcrap. Sorry for the vent. I'm just not feeling real "in control" today.

Avondale, Melodylane, Regretting,

Thanks for your replies. I understand there are risks in who you tell, what you say etc. I'm really just struggling with what effect "telling" has on the WS. Does it cause them to re-think the A? Does it effect their relationship with the OP? If children find out, what effect does that have? I can handle my W going ballistic on me but is the net effect a good thing in terms of their actions going forward? That is the dilemma. Thanks alot.

Willard Harley has recently said on the radio that he will post a Q&A column on this topic. I haven't found it yet, though.

I told my IL, why? Because I really don't care if people know I screwed up, because then I can say I came back did my best, tried my hardest. We had problems our whole marriage, his family knew. What is funny is that I was instantly hated, his brother is dating a married woman, whom they "love", while my h. was having an affair, well they all "loved" her and took her on out of town trips, I just look at them and everyone and what I say is, "judge not-lest ye be judged". None of them like that people in town know about their problems, and I don't let their opinion bother me. If things would've worked out, it shouldn't have matter either way. My h. always said he hated that everyone would think he was stupid, I say, "if you are more afraid of being with me for fear of being stupid, than you are of not being with me because you'd be lost without me' well than be without me"

john39,

I hope that's true. Would love to hear something on this topic. Thanks.

Yank.........
It is important to know tht there are people in the world that care bout you and love you other than your partner. These people are family and close friends and if you want to tell them you should because they will be there for you if you need them.
It is not your problem that your W is obsessed with what other people think and maybe the underlying fear would be that she is not really the image she portrays. She probably knows that lot of people will feel betrayed by that alone.
I don't think it is a LB to tell people and it is of course up to you what you say, you don't have to disrespect your W when you discuss it. Talking to people about it is also about you not just the WS and that is something the WS can forget. You need to get through this as well.
Having an A is a LB and one of the consequences of this is exactly what your W doesn't seem to want to face. That part is too often forgotten in the midst of the fun & games.
I have found that as time goes by the need to discuss or tell people dies, maybe that is a sign that you are recovering together.
Goodluck !!!!