Well,
Until the closing of the house on Friday morning, I will be seeing WH several more times. I have been packing, and he has finally come over to get his stuff. He rented a storage unit in our town, even though his apt. is 45 miles away.
He took me for coffee, and said that he felt we would end up together, but we needed to get to a point where we don't jump down each other's throats everytime we see each other. I was very calm, and tried not to act too excited about anything. He says he still loves me, and his kids, and misses us all.
IS THIS FOR REAL, or is he saying this because he thinks I want to hear it. Lately he will tell people whatever he thinks they want to hear.
He still has not told me exactly where he's living, except the general area. Also, he tells me he's working for a tree service cutting down trees, but the last interview he had as manager of I.T./I.S was about to pan out.
I didn't see the anger today that I usually see.
AND...I did good and didn't ask about the OW, though I truly wanted to. I know what he'd say, "of course I'm not seeing her..." (But his apt. is in her town!!)
Says he wants us to get re-acquainted and take it slowly!
WHAT DO YALL THINK????????
Please tell me whether I've blown this or not.
I DON"T WANT TO GET MY HOPES UP!!!
HELP!!
KK

P.S.
I have a counseling session with SH Aug. 22-
Should I put plan B on hold until then.
KK

kk2002,

Yes, I would not make a move that big until talking with Steve or Jennifer.

Plan B is such a radical step and at least in the beginning causes I think some anger in most.

My vote is to wait for Steve!!!

Good luck and I'm glad to hear about the positive note!!!

MITT

I think WH is playing with my mind.
I will still not pursue, and I will let him do the calling, etc.
Nothing at all may come of it, he may just be talking.
At least he's not saying that he hates me.
KK

Bumping for more help!

KK; remember; the words open the door, the actions keep it open.

Be cautiously optimistic, take it slow, let heim show you he means what he says, let him show you consistency over a period of time...

It's a good sign, no question, but take it slow!
Happy for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

KK, just a suggestion, mabye you want to consider a mofidied Plan B.. in other words Plan B expect when WS makes contact with you, then switch to Plan A. This worked very well for me in this situation.... it shows WS what you have done, the changes you have made, that you can meet their ENs, but also shows WS what life would be like without you... remember no LBs..
My 2 cents...
Dave

Spacecase,
Thanks for your reply. I will definitely be cautious. Besides, he's still not totally be upfront about everything.
I'm wondering if the A with OW is dying out, and maybe the fog is lifting a bit.
But, his pride is still in the way. He hasn't been able to support us since Feb., and I think that's played a big part in things.
I love that saying of yours....
We'll see what Steve has to say in a couple of weeks.
I'm praying for you, Spacecase.
KK
Thanks, Dave. I will do the modified Plan B, at least until I talk to Steve Harley.
I was reading your signature line, and boy, you have really been through some stuff with your FWW!
You are to be admired for sticking with her through all of that.
I appreciate your reply.
KK

kk2002,

Do not overreact to this, but I suspect he is trying to keep you "on the line". He says you'll end up together but will not tell you exactly where he is living? He is not ready to lose you (which is good) but he also is not ready to commit to you. Classic fence sitting. Sorry to say this, but my sense is that he wants to "buy" more time with OW. He wants to "get re-acquainted" because that will provide the slow pace he needs to play both "sides". He sounds like he cares about your feelings. He also sounds like he might say what you want to hear in order to not hurt your feelings. I'm not saying he's not sincere but I definitely sense he still wants to "play". Would definitely not plan B before talking to SH. Hope this helps.

Hi Yank,
Yes, I suspect he is still seeing OW. I am hoping and praying that will die out soon. This is the first time he's been totally free to be with her, so I'm hoping they'll LB each other to death.
It's so hard to know what to do. Guess Steve Harley has seen and heard it all, so I'll wait for
him to give me the Plan B go-ahead, or whatever else he suggests.
Thanks for your thoughts.
KK

k2002,

Do I understand correctly that you have been in Plan A for only five months? I know it seems forever to you but is not really that long. Has five months been long enough for you to "work" on yourself and has it been long enough to create the environment you tried to create? Just wondering.

You're probably right in that 5 months is not very long. I just don't exactly understand how to plan A when WH is not living at home.
I do need to work on myself, definitely, and are you talking about an environment for the marriage?
KK

KK,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I just don't exactly understand how to plan A when WH is not living at home.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's doing what Davepr suggested - Go to plan A mode whenever he contacts you whether by phone, email or in person. You will be making little deposits but As Steve Harley told me, every little bit helps. Steve told me I was in a psuedo plan B while plan A'g. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I did plan A with WH living 1200 miles away & Steve Harley said for the amount of contact that I did a good job at plan A. I knew WH's greatest EN was admiration & I poured it on. He began to really respond to all the admiration. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Remember, it's easier to plan A when it's not in your face all the time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> You can be an academy award plan A winner for a short period of time (then go barf) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

KK, It was easier for me when I followed Bramble Rose's suggestion to just assume that everything WH says is a lie. That way I don't get my expectations up whenever something happens or he says something that triggers a warm feeling within me.

Also, Alanon is helping me lots. I had gone a few times over the last 15 years, with the intention to get WH to stop drinking. In the last few weeks, I have gone for myself. What a difference that makes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

God Bless you and your family,

D.

Dear KK,

To plan b or not to plan b? That is a big question here at MB. One that many are afraid of. But you know what? Plan B is not scary.

Plan b is because you no longer choose to be treated as a door mat. Go to plan B after you have given a fair amount of time and able to truly analyze yourself and make yourself better. It has nothing to do with educating the WS. The WS is not in the learning curve in fact they are going in the opposite direction. Becoming more stupid as the A goes on. Realize this and plan B does not look as difficult.

Your H is giving you crumbs and expects you to give him a meal in return. You want to do that? Miracle worker is one thing but for him to expect it is disrespectful.

So let him treat you nice then leave it at that. Don't get your hopes up, enjoy what attention he is giving but don't meet his needs in return. Just be polite and say thanks. Let the OW meet his needs. After all why should you have to meet the working end of his needs and she have the fun? No, better to let her have the clean up part also.

When the WS moved out of our home I was hurt. It took about 2 months before I started to feel strong enough to move to plan B. In my case, the finances were quickly dwindling (I was making all the payments, his money was sporatic but he thought was giving me most of his money yet most of it was going to his rent and traveling back and forth to his place and a bit of spending on the OW. Whatever was left trickled to us. So the calculator in his brain was basically broken.

Part of my plan B plan was to give him his expenses so that he could 'share' his needs with the OW. Loved it.

If you H is truly trying to use this time to turn around, you will eventually see it. He has taken himself away from the family and it makes little sense that he needs to be this far away to get closer. Ya know?

So you can see the illogic in his statements. This usually means he is in contact with the OW and he is babbling. Therefore, if that is true then do not get caught up with that babble and do not place your hopes in it, even if the babble periodically sounds nice to you.

Use this time apart to strengthen yourself. Keep your family together and move forward. If there is any truth to his way, he will come back to the family. He may even miss you all and fight for his right to be with you and your family. He will need to do this to break away from the hold of the A. Yes, the A is very addicting. The Devil makes sure it is.

JMHO,
L.

kk2002,
I'm getting splinters in my butt sitting on this fence, how about you?

My situation is somewhat similiar to yours except I haven't implemented a full Plan B. I've been doing what davepr suggested to you, Plan B while away, and Plan A when I see him. When's your appt with Steve? I'm going to try to make one for next week, I would be curious to see what he says to you.

Dear Will Get Through This,
That's interesting that Steve told you to do a pseudo plan B. I wonder if that's what he'll tell me. About the alcohol, and the lying, well...I probably need to go to alanon also.
I did smell alcohol on his breath today. And, like Orchid said, it was probably all babble that came out of his mouth. Just what I wanted to hear, and I fell for it.
It's good to be prepared for that anyway.

Orchid,
I forget about the babble, from time to time. And yes, he was saying just exactly what I wanted to hear. He was throwing me crumbs! And what did I do, I gave him money to get his tire fixed! (You need to keep reminding me that babble means he's in contact with OW)

(If your H is truly trying to use this time to turn around, you will eventually see it. He has taken himself away from the family and it makes little sense that he needs to be this far away to get closer. Ya know? )
You're SO right about that, LeAnne, Why in the world would he want to live 45 miles away from us while saying he wants to grow closer. Good point!

Going Crazy,
My apt. is Aug. 22. I am very anxious to talk with SH. Let me know when you apt. is and we'll compare notes. Good luck to you.
Yes, fence sitting is painful!!
KK

Aug 22, is he that backed up?

Ouch, ouch, splinters

Going crazy,
Maybe you can get in sooner. I teach school and had to work around those hours. good luck!

WH is coming today to get the rest of his stuff. I'm going to be gone to inservices all day..thank goodness!

We're moving this evening. Say a prayer for us.

KK

Not to suggest that this is the right course of action for any of you (KK, GC) but I went to "Plan B" yesterday after my appointment with Steve on Tuesday, and here's what he said:

The way you "go to Plan B" is like this; first you tell her that you are leaving. Why? "because I can no longer tolerate the pain of being here with you while your heart is somewhere else." and to say nothing else, except refer her questions to Steve. (I wasn't able to do this fully...but anyway...).

The point is, Steve said to implement everything about Plan B EXCEPT, do not give her the letter, and do not tell her there will be No Contact. Leave, but remain in relative contact for "about a week" in order to take care of business, arrangements, etc. More importantly, this allows for their initial anger, or whatever other reaction, to subside BEFORE you deliver the letter and inform them you will not be in contact.
This way, when they DO get the letter and the no contact, they are more likely to believe that it is because of love and not as punishment.

So, take that for what it's worth, it may help you gauge what you might do in your situations...but it reflects Steve Harley's thinking about going to Plan B.

And by the way, the "rule" is that when there IS contact during Plan B, your behavior should be Plan A behavior. Deposits $LB and shows the WS that your Plan A was NOT an act. Reinforces the idea that the spouse is someone worth being with.

Spacecase:

This is similiar to how Michelle Weiner-Davis explains the "Last Resort" technique in "Divorce Remedy". Cut off contact, let them contact you,if they do, be very friendly, etc. Then I think she calls is going dark if you actually deliver a letter.

I know in my case when I talked to Steve last he told me that the textbook Plan B would not work in my case, but like I said, I need to talk to him again