Ok, I'm going to try to keep this as short and simple as possible.

Some of you may remember the business trip my DH was supposed to take last month that got post-poned. Well, that's supposed to take place a week from Monday. We've been doing pretty good and not dwelling on it now. However, last night we talked a little and the topic of a trip he took for work to Florida a couple of years ago (mid-end affair period). I said that I didn't see OM then. He said yeah right. I said well it wasn't nothing like out of work time. He got all upset. He then started at me about how at the time we talked about it I said it wasn't an issue then and I wasn't around OM. I don't remember what was all said, and I didn't really think of the specific time frame. What I was trying to point out, as I thought was his fear, was that OM was NOT at our house. It made the evening very very uneasy.

I was stressed beyond belief. I worded my answer so wrong. I just answered what I thought he was referring to and didn't really look at the whole picture. DH said that just when he was starting to feel comfortable about going now he isn't. I got a bit upset and said I didn't ask for this damn trip, I don't even want you to go and I hate FIL for making you go. FIL is owner of company DH works at. He asked why and I went into about how FIL knows what is going on in our relationship and how we are working on it and not once did he stop to think how a trip like this might affect us and our progress. URGH! I was so angry. I was angry because I messed up in my wording. I was angry because DH is uneasy going on a trip I have no control over. I was just angry because things turned this way last night.

So, DH said he wants to go back to counseling. Maybe we should, I don't know. A little later we cuddled and I got a little teary. He asked what was wrong and I told him I felt he was just looking to find me in a lie. He took offense to that, but it's how I felt. We worked through that pretty well. He then asked what are we doing? I said, we are making progress. He said you call this progress. I said yes. You see, you start to feel safe and comfortable and start to let me in and then you get scared and start to withdraw just a little. Then I begin to overreact to things and get defensive because I am trying so hard to try to keep you feeling safe. He agreed it made some sense.

After that we were pretty much done talking. I was rather uncomfortable and scared of what today will bring. I just wish we could have called in sick and spent the day together. I woke up full of anxiety. The morning went pretty well, considering we were a little rushed to get to work, but I still have my anxiety about the day ahead. I guess the good thing is that we didn't "fight" and we talked and had a rather good evening.

My H E L P is because I don't know what to do to get back to where we were when he started to feel at ease with his upcoming trip. Any and all advice, insights, and/or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for being there for me. You are all so great.

Geez, Tut, I'm sorry to hear this happened. My advice to you is this; first of all, we all make mistakes and we will all blow it many, many times, so it's not the end of the world. It's OK; we get up, dust ourselves off, and keep working on it. That's all we can do.

Trying to "undo" what happened will not work, often when we blow it and then we go back and try to explain it, re-do it, it ends up being worse. They'll feel they were right in feeling what they felt, and that perhaps we have something to hide that made us feel we had to explain again, try to "get out of it".

I suggest recognizing it for what it was, a badly handled conversation, and moving on...keep working on making him feel "safe", do an extra thing or two you might not usually do, maybe while he's on the trip.

Hang in there!

I know others are going to say it's early yet, H is still healing, your M is still healing etc...

Still...at some point...you two have to committ to wanting to remain married...no matter what it takes. There is a comfort that comes with that promise, when it's made earnesty and with understanding of what it means. H and I never felt that anxiety that you speak of...because we knew even if we're mad or sad...at the end of the day and the next and the next...we're going to be together and we'll work it out. Your husband is still unsure of everything...so the two of you are left with that immense anxiety. When he can come to the point of committing to the marriage, instead of always questioning it...you both will feel more secure.

YES, counseling would do you both good! It's not a matter of "need" it. It's a tool...like going back to school to hone skills and progress in life. There are other issues here than just healing from the A. I think your hubby knows that and that's a large reason he wants to avoid counseling! He doesn't want to have any fault...any failings...any problems. But hey, that's LIFE. NONE of us are perfect and all of us can use more training in how to deal with life and the situations it throws us. If H doesn't want to go, then YOU go...a counselor can help you sort out which things you can do anything about and which you cannot.

As far as helping him to be more comfortable. Tutter, you can only do your best to show you are telling the truth about being committed to your marriage. You can't make it all better for him...you know this. He can either accept your efforts (which have been GREAT), or he can argue them. It's his issue and he has to decide what he's going to do about it at this point. Continued reassurance and proof in action go a long way.

Thank you both for your replies.

SC - I just can't help wanting to "fix it". I think a lot of my anxiety comes from the guilt of the fact that I CAUSED him this pain and insecurity. I just want to make it better. I will try to, as I tell many, "allow" it to happen and not overdue it with trying to "fix it".

Hope - As aways you are there for me. You wrote:

"Still...at some point...you two have to committ to wanting to remain married...no matter what it takes. There is a comfort that comes with that promise, when it's made earnesty and with understanding of what it means. H and I never felt that anxiety that you speak of...because we knew even if we're mad or sad...at the end of the day and the next and the next...we're going to be together and we'll work it out. Your husband is still unsure of everything...so the two of you are left with that immense anxiety. When he can come to the point of committing to the marriage, instead of always questioning it...you both will feel more secure."

But how do I get him to see this? I mean, I can't very well say we need to just commit and go from there. How do I try to get this across in a loving manner. Hi sindecisiveness is draining me at times. He swears he is not leaving, but then there are times he says he doesn't know what he wants etc. I know it will be hard and even with a distinct sincere commitment it won't happen overnight, but if I could just get him to consistently say "we will make it" then it would be so much easier to make it through the rough spots.

He said this morning that maybe I'm just trying too hard. Maybe he's right, but how can I not? Oh, I am just so lost. Why can't things just be a "little" more black and white?

Again, thank you both for your responses. I will probably read them a lot today.

It's actually more black and white from this side...but then I'm not dealing with the EMOTIONAL side of it. If you can sort the emotions from the facts...it gets easier. Like knowing some of your anxiety is from wanting desperately to fix it for him, especially because of your guilt. Ok...but the fact is you can't...so your anxiety over that isn't doing any good. Not to mention...YOUR anxiety probably feeds his. He's right...you probably ARE trying to hard. And the harder you try the further you two are from NORMAL...and the further you are from that, the more it emphasises that you are in recovery etc etc etc...

Ease up...tease him, have fun, lighten up, listen to him but don't always try to solve it and you don't always have to "soothe" him. He needs to learn to do that himself. I'm not saying you shouldn't be simpathetic...but you can't be his puppet on a string forver. Every time he feels bad he doesn't get to see you dance for him. He's got to get some confidence, some skills for handling his OWN doubts and fears...and while you can do your best to be a faithful, loving, appreciative, attentive wife...he's still got to do some of this on his own. Gee...wouldn't a counselor be great in helping that along?? LOL!!! Ours did a world of good for both of us. Hubby made a comment as we were reading over the posts last night about something he learned from our counselor. He did some individual even when we weren't in marital and he got a lot out of it. It helps...it's a tool.

One more thing...on the committment issue.

How do you get this idea to him? Next time this stuff seems to be blowing up...take a deep breath...look deeply in to his eyes with pure sincerity and surity, and tell him that you love him and are committed to building a happy, healthy, loving marriage with him for the rest of your lives, no matter what life throws you...and tell him that brings you peace. He can learn by example.

Thank you for your time and replies Hope. I have a really hard time with the anxiety thing. Once it starts it's all down hill because the anxiety I have causes more. Urgh. I'm desperately working on it though.

As for the committment thing, well opportunity knocked. In e-mail conversation, if you read my other thread about "Thoughts Please", I was able to put that into a reply. I hope it does help.

I thank you so very much.

Hi Tutter:

My H had to travel a few times right after D-Day. He travels with a laptop so, what we did was get webcams for both of us. When he is in the hotel room, we are talking on the web cam. I don't know if your H travels with a laptop but, it is something that has helped us alot.

Maybe it would help your H, he not only can talk to you but, he can also see you.

It is a very stressful time when he travels, neither of us like the travel situation. We feel the time he was away contributed to some of our down fall. He was gone once a month for a week and we always seemed to argue about the traveling. When it was really me being scared of his plane crashing and me losing him, he thought it was because I thought he was shaking his responsibilities. Well, communication is much better now.

I wish you the best.

Tutter,

Just my 2 cents. I have been reading your posts and I am convinced your H is WAY more insecure than you think he is. You are "calling the shots" but you do not realize it. He is constantly needing reassuring although it may not feel that way to you. I sense his insecurity is causing him to try to convince you he is unsure about things. Instead, I believe he's terrified of losing you. No offense. It just sounds like he's really "playing" you, pushing your buttons in order to get the reassurance from you that he needs to hear. It's okay to give that reassurance but don't misread that as a lack of commitment or uncertainty on his part. It is just the opposite. Knowing that, hopefully, you can stay calm next time he starts up again. Good luck to you.

Bearcub - The webcams won't work 'cause we don't have internet at home. We never really used it so we did away with it, plus our home computer is at his work right now for a project he is working on. However, you are right, we need to come up with ways to help us through this and we discussed that last night. We are working on this one.

Yank - Thank you for the different perspective on things. I never really thought of it that way. I guess part of me has been so afraid at times of losing him that I never stopped to see he may still be afraid of losing me at times. I will try to keep this in mind and really work to ease that feeling for him. Any suggestions on what might be a good way to accomplish this.

Thank you both for taking the time to care and respond. I appreciate all of the feed back. It helps more than any of you will know (well, you may all know). Thank you.