Hi Zachsmom,

It sounds like you did really well. What strength you showed, he can't help but notice.

What you are experianceing has been likened to a roller coaster. You will have up's and down's. Learn not to talk to him much on the down days, often it makes things come all apart.

It sounds like it is time for Plan A. Here is some information on it.
NSR's links to info about plan A and B

Zachsmom, one of the things I have learned from my time here on MB is that people are usually much stronger than they think. I believe you can do this. I think someday Zach will thank you for your effort.

SS

<small>[ August 21, 2002, 06:44 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Thank you Still seeking,

I am trying to be strong, but it's not easy. I have some hope that we will be together some day but i also don't want to live for that hope. We are telling our families this weekend as well as our son-that will be incredibly difficult. I am reading a lot and this site has been unbelievable.

Thank you again...

We are now separated one week and things are going reasonably well, we talk, he misses us, but that is it..He has made no contact with her-he swears on this, but he still needs to figure things out, now i am at a loss for what he is trying to figure out....I am tyring to determine what i should do, stay on top of him to get him to talk or give him a little space, then schedule some time//..One issue i am trying to deal with is control, i always have a need to take care of things, start things and i believe that this is something that has made me a "mother" in our relationship. So now i wonder,should i wait to see if he moves on things, or still take the initiative to work on things (he is there when i do take the initiative, he just doesn't usually make the first move).....Any advice??

Hi,

I can't tell you just what to do here, ( to make things right again) but perhaps I can give you some ideas that will help a little bit.

I am tyring to determine what i should do, stay on top of him to get him to talk or give him a little space, then schedule some time.

He is probably going through withdrawl. That means that even though he should be sucking up to you and begging you to stay, he is still lost in the wilderness and doesn't know what he wants. You asked on LIR's thread " why do we alway shave to do all the work." It comes down to - do you want to leave or stay in the marriage. If stay, you have to do the work cause he is a wreck and can't.It's not fair, but that's the way it is.
If he really is doing no contact, he will probably come out and make signs to be with you again. I recommend you do a few things -

1. Try and spend time dating. Bring it up to him and see if he likes the idea. Go out as often as you can but stay away from R talks, just have fun. The only R talk you should have is about 30 seconds long. Something like this, " When you are ready, I want to talk about our future, but for now, lets just have fun and get to know each other all over again."
Be the kind of person that he wants to be with, and have fun with.

2. Try and meet his needs.

3. Don't LB.

Right now, you want really bad to know what the future will be, and that things will be OK. I don't think you can right now, but you can still be happy until you do know.

Really think about these things, there is more here than it seems. You should also be reading and improving yourself so that when he does want to have R talks, you will know how to best proceed.
All the best.

SS

<small>[ September 10, 2002, 04:00 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>