Yesterday I was feeling so good. My how things change. My WH has been so kind. Taking care of my every need. I felt bad for him because his job is stressful so I decides to surprise him at work and bring him some ice cream. When I got there OW was sitting in his office and one of his workers said his wife was in there. I lost it and told him his bag would be backed and on the back porch when he got home.

He never came home but we had 2 lengthy conversations. The bottom line is he says he wants our marriage but he has to take care of her until her divorce because of his guilt for ruining her life. What about mine? I was left with 2 hysterical crying daughters and a son who spent the night at a friends because he couldn't bear to come home.

I don't know if I want such a selfish man! Many more lies surfaced. I cannot believed that I allowed myself to feel secure. I really thought he was trying to work it out. Well, so much for that. I ruined all chances of a reconciliation. I handed him over to her.

I am okay but I can't sleep because I am so worried about the future.

Sorry to say, but I wouldnt trust him on that. He still has obvious feelings for her, what will be next? guess what - she will be divorced and will pile pressure on him and then it's "I have to take care for her a bit more...." ??

I'm beginning to understand now that no contact is no contact is no contact.... took a while till the lesson sunk in in my case, but I can clearly see it now that no healing, no betterment, nothing can take place as long as there is contact.

dear rnroscoe-so sorry to hear this. it is better you know though. it is so hard when we have no idea what is truely going on in our own lives. now you can base decisions on knowing. hang in there, it is hard. my husbands ow still works for same co. but in another location. supposedly there is no contact, when she calls someone else is supposed to handle it. im not totally sure i believe this. and on top of all that, i guess she and i sound exactly alike, because i have been called her name quite a few times when calling husband-OUCH!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> i have thought about calling and pretending to be her and see if he takes the call, steve harley doesnt think this is a good idea! probably not but i would love to know.

RNROSCOE,

So sorry. I experienced variation of the same thing a couple of weeks ago. I know this is your life but is it possible for you to take a "detached" view of this? Say to yourself: H is a classic fence sitter. He wants both of us. Have I given him incentive to perceive that he has to choose? Do I want to do that? If that's where you're at (as I am), then non-negotiable consistency is key. I made the mistake of setting forth the rules (NC, counseling etc.) and then waffling on them: "ok, but this is the last time, no, really this is the last time." I damaged my credibility. From reading so many posts on this site, it seems that those who truly experience "success" are those whose WS really believe that the "game" is up. Good luck to you.

I was really ready to do that. WH spent the night away. At 7am he was back. I thought to pack his bag. No it was to manipulate my girls into begging me to give him more time. They did and I caved for my children. I am divorced in my heart. I love him for our past life but the marriage is dead. He is still in the house because that was my children's request but it won't last forever. If he wants me I told him he had to have a clean slate. I never want to talk about the A again only the chance to build a new marriage. I am really not very willing at this point. For self preservation I must fall out of love with him.

He says he doesn't know why the is an attraction. He feels obligated to her and me. He wants our marriage and the woman he married. I do believe him but he wants the OW or I to make the decission because he is no emotionally able to do it.

I know this in and out of the house thing is bad. I will wait a while longer until I am ready to file for divorce. He will have to leave then. Until that point in time I will emotionally detach myself. I can not let him hurt me any more.

RNR;
Your girls are old enough to be able to understand difficulties between their parents. And I believe you should begin talking to them about the possibility of dad not being in the same home.

His USING them to help him maintain his infidelity is borderline abuse, and I wouldn't stand for it. He manipulated them (probably by lying) into siding with him, into protecting his infidelity.

He is exploiting your vulnerabilities (the girls this time, who knows what else next time) to avoid having to deal with his issues.

What you should prepare for is to be able to tell him to leave; to reinforce the boundary that you will not share him while he is with you.

What your children are learning FROM YOUR decisions :

There are no stable boundaries in your M.
Manipulation works.
Mom surrenders her dignity for peace.
Feelings matter more than principles.
You don't mean what you say.
Denial, excuses, and lack of conviction.

What values and principles do you stand for in the eyes of your children?

They are learning from you how to be manipulated. Model some strength and courage. Your children are watching you ... and not learning about TOUGH LOVE.

Teach TOUGH LOVE. ((( HUGS )))

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I agree with everything you are saying and I know what I have to do. I caved because of them. Their fantasy that as long as dad was in the house it would be okay. I have talked to them until I am blue in the face until I cannot talk anymore about how they should not allow this to happen to them. They told me they respect me for wanting to save the marriage but they want their dad to leave too. Then when push came to shove, they caved.

It is an awful situation. I need this more time for me. I will keep credability with my children but loose my dignity. I know this. There is plenty of time to show my children just how strong I am. WH brought them into this to make me look like the bad guy. Mom kicked me out. Something will give soon. But my word is all I have left. Besides, the longer this goes the less attracted I am to him for what he is doing to us. I can be alone with or without him in the house.

I know excuses, excuses. For self preservation I have to let go of him and since I backed down, I need to use this time to do that.

Friday and Saturday I made it perfectly clear that I will not share him. He is said he understood but at this point in time could not make promises he could not keep. He is trying to break contact but has been unsuccessful. I asked how long must I wait. He couldn't answer that.
I asked exactly what was the attraction. He said he knew he did not want to marry her and raise her family. He said he did not know what the attraction was or what need she is filling. He could not give me answers that he did not have. He said he did not need sold on the fact that their relationship would not last long term. He said he wanted to work on the marriage, he felt like if he left, he would give up and that the kids would get use to him not being around.
He said he needs time to fix our marriage the right way. Yikes! My head was spinning.

I don't know what to think or do. He is playing head games <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hey 2long if you're out there...
That is exactly what my WH said to me. If I make him end the A he will resent me. He said he had to do it his way and he won't be told what to do.
Very interesting.