I thought I was dealing with this. But it is eating me alive. I wish I hadn't talked to her because I found out more than I bargained for.

In my attempt to be honest with everone around me about my affair I opened up to my mother. But what I heard nearly knocked the wind out of me.

She told me she had 3 affairs when she was my age. One my dad knows about the other 2 he does not. When I ask her if she ever got help, she said no. She just made love to my dad and it was all better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

And get this...he told her to get her tubes tied. He had had a vasectomy years before so there was no need for her to do so.

She says she will never tell dad. It would break his heart. But I don't understand, she treats him like crap in the first place. She says she loves him. But I don't see any kind of relationship between them that I would ever want to have.

I don't know what to do. I love my mom, but I am not happy with her right now. At this point in time it would not be beneficial for this to come out in the open to my dad. (They are both in their 60's)

I am just having such a hard time putting this into perspective. I have so much anger. I sort of feel "like mother like daughter". I know in my heart that I am handling my own situation in a healthy and productive way. But I still can't help but feel like I lived what I learned.

This news came as a shock to me. But now that I look back on when I was growing up, I remember certain things that pointed to her infidelity. So I guess I wasn't surprised.

I don't know if anyone has any advice or not. This post is probably more of a vent than anything. Thanks for listening...
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Sheesh.

I am so, so sorry. I wish your mother hadn't told you if she has no intentions of telling your father. You are now stuck with this information and are in the middle. I don't know what to tell you but I think if it were me, I would want counseling for this situation. Isn't it strange how parents can do the most hurtful things to their children and not realize? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

BTW I am glad, from what I read, that your own relationship is going well.

Libby,
Thank you. I wish she hadn't told me either, but here it sits in my lap. I think that she told me in the hopes of making me feel better. After all I'm not alone? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

But I can't help but see it as a reflection on myself. I'm not proud of what I did, but at least I can look at my H and know that I am keeping nothing from him.

I don't see how she does it. She claims to love him, yet she is the most controlling person I have ever known. She can't do anything for herself. My dad has to do it for her. I won't go into specifics right now, but she should be kissing his feet as far as I'm concerned. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Maybe it was just the way they handled things back then, I don't know. But it still hurts never the less.

My mother and I have had a strained relationship recently and this only adds to the tension. I'm not sure that I can ever look at her or my dad the same ever again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

This is messing me up more than I thought.

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onestepatatime,

That is really hard to have been told information like that. It sounds like you have already begun to deal with it in a healthy way. Just realizing that you are handling this different than your Mom and even realizing that you want a different relationship for you. That is very positive.
It's what you do with it from here that counts.

I have not experienced anything like what you have, but it made me think of when I learned that a good friend's son was adopted. I was told then wish I hadn't known.

When my WH had his first A, I talked to my Dad about it. He told me that he had never cheated on my Mom. That made me feel good.

God Bless,

D.

I think that we all would like to think of our mothers as mother Theresa or something , but what it boils down to is that our parents are and were in their pasts people just like all of us. It appears that your mother was trying to console you on your guilt of your affair.Remember-you don't know everything that has conspired in your parents marriage, all the feelings and so on..I,m sure it's a shock to you and even distasteful to know what has gone on, but your mother knows some things that maybe you don't realize.
Maybe I'm wrong, but if your mom did some things that she now regrets and wouldn't repeat-perhaps telling your father would only ease her conscience and cause much more harm with him than if nothing were said at all. Try to remember that your mom isn't just a mother, but a woman with all the trials in life THAT WEALL EXPERIENCE.
If your closet is clean of any skeletons-than bash your mom to pieces. If not-try to have some empathy for the situation she was or is in and realize that she is just a person and not perfact

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She says she will never tell dad. It would break his heart. But I don't understand, she treats him like crap in the first place. She says she loves him. But I don't see any kind of relationship between them that I would ever want to have.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your mother may have ended her A's a long time ago but their after effects are still present. People that don't like themselves will seldom be kind to others, and perhaps this may be the reason why she treats your father like 'crap'.

Please don't hate your mother. She probably has enough self hatred without you adding more to her large bank. Can you conceive the great burden she has carried all these years? Forgive her just like your H has forgiven you for your A.

Good luck and God bless.

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Sorry you are having to deal with this. IMO, your mother should have never laid this kind of thing on you. No matter what her intentions were. She has now placed you in the middle of her marriage, since she is not going to tell your father.

However, one thing I think you need to realize is that you are NOT your mother. Yes, you both have made a similar mistake. However, you are dealing with that mistake on a very healthy and mature level. You are making your marriage better.

You say that she treats your father like crap. IMO, this is because she doesn't like herself very much. She hasn't come clean and feels guilty. I agree with TooMuchCoffee in that this is probably why she treats your father that way.

So try to look at it this way. Because you are dealing with your marriage in such a positive way, you will not treat your H that way. You are doing the right thing.

Your mother's skeletons are her to deal with, not yours. You have your own stuff to deal with. Concentrate on that. Let your mother deal with hers. Work on yourself and your marriage and leave her skeletons in her closet.

Good Luck and keep us posted. I hope everything is going well for you and your husband.

Regretting

Thank you all for your reply's. I am doing better today. I have known this for 2 weeks now, so it is very fresh.

Throughout this whole process of dealing and learning from my affair this year I have learned a lot about myself and my family. Actually I have been in therapy off and on for about 8 years now trying to figure out why I have basically not been a happy person for a good portion of my life. And now with everything that has happened in my life this past year and a half I am finally figuring it out.

I thought for a long time that my family was perfect and it was not. I am learning that my family was and is very dysfunctional. And learning of my mothers affairs only adds more proof to that realization. So I think coming to that realization is both good and bad at the same time. At least I know and can see it now, but it makes me angry too.

I think the emotions I am going through are normal. And I believe I will process them in a healthy way. But I know I will have my days. And yesterday was one of them. It's nice to know that I can come here and vent. Thank you!

WillGetThruThis,

I know that I am handling my affair differently than my mother did. And I do feel good about that, believe me! I wish that I didn't know about it, but hindsight is 20/20 and it explains a lot of the strange behavior that my mother exhibited so long ago. It was hell, and I didn't know why. Now it makes sense. So in a way it is good.

ezra,

Yes, I used to think of both of my parents as being right about everything. And as far as my mother being Mother Theresa, I don't think so <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . She is not a saint I have always known that. She was and is a "party girl" and her affairs were with co workers that were 10-15 years younger. (One of them was with he best friends daughter's then fiance! Yuck!!) She likes to drink and I have always believed she is borderline alcoholic.

I have kept nothing from my H as far as my affair is concerned or anything else for that matter. And the only reason I bash my mother right now, is because I am angry at her.

I do have empathy for her. And I still love her, don't get me wrong. But some of the things she told me when she was confessing really disturbed me and I don't believe she has dealt with it properly. For instance, she believes she is going to hell now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

TooMuchCoffeeMan,

I agree with you whole heartedly! She has not dealt with what she has done. In fact, she told me that one of them (the one that I meantioned above) still hits on her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> But she tells him to go back to his wife. BTW, she told him to never tell her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I will forgive her, eventually. But it will take time. I know that to forgive will mean letting it go for me. I will do that...hopefully soon.

Regretting,

How are you doing? So good to hear from you! Send me an email. I lost your address.

My sentiments exactly. I now am in the middle of my parents marriage. And by my not telling my father about the other 2 affairs, I am feeling guilty. But what good would it do to tell him?

By him telling my mother to get her tubes tied so many years ago, that tells me that it was okay with him that she go out and screw around on him. I don't know. But that is what it seems like.

She has always been a controlling clean freak. And she is constantly yelling at my dad for things that he does that do not live up to her expectations. It is awful to be around them. Believe me.

You can bet that I see that now. I used to be that way myself. And that is why I have been in counseling for so long. And you can bet that I won't ever treat my H that way!

You are right though, her skeletons are hers and not mine. But the anger is fresh right now.

H and I are doing wonderfully. He is such a wonderful man and has put up with a lot of crap from me through out the years not to mention my affair, and now this.

He's funny, he will make jokes about this from time to time. Especially when I am feeling really down about it. And I end up cracking up. He's got a warped sense of humor about things. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> But we laugh and I love him for it. I thank God for him every day!

Thank you all for listening to me. This is excellent therapy. My fingers are pounding the keyboard, but it feels soooo good! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Take care everyone!
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