I'm just wondering if there are any WS who have ended the A but had to continue to work with OP? School starts today and I will begin seeing the OP on a daily basis. The A is over, as far as I'm concerned, and I think he agrees. The problem will be seeing him daily. Right now the few times we've run into each other since that last horrible meeting, he's pretty much ignored me - but that's par for the course. He was always very good at hiding his feelings in front of others at school. So I am hoping that he is as committed as I am to putting the A in the past and moving on.

It is going to be very hard to work with him if he can't even be civil to me. It is also hard because every once in a while those old feelings flare back up and I miss, not him, but the way he made me feel. They are coming less frequently and less intensely, but they are still there.I'm also worried about feeling jealousy when he flirts with other women...as I know he will! Why can't I get over that feeling??! Help!

So my point in this ramble?? Do any WS have any advice on how to work together?

I read your post. And I read this line:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">d-9, s-7, d-2 </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I imagine those sweet little faces and it makes me so sad.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why can't I get over that feeling??! Help!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How can we help? What do YOU think that YOU need to do to get over it?

Much strength to you in the coming days. You will need it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

PS When he flirts with other women, instead of feeling jealous, maybe you could remind yourself of how lucky you are that you extracted yourself from the situation. It should make you angry, and show you even more his true colors, not make you desire him more. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Get a grip on your emotions neverthought!

<small>[ August 26, 2002, 08:24 AM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>

Please elaborate on the part about "it is over as far as I am concerned and I THINK he feels the same way.."
What do you mean you THINK he feels the same way? Have you not told him that the A is over? You never really posted what happened after the last encounter that left you feeling so used? You haven't mentioned anything about closure or a no contact (obviously modified, since you stil work there) communication. When have you "run into him" since the last escapade and what happened?

Working with him is going to be difficult as those who have been there have told you. Seeing him will bring back some of those good feelings, mixed with regret and anger and embarassment... you will be a jumble of emotions.

So how was it and what happened??

When he flirts with other women, instead of feeling jealous, maybe you could remind yourself of how lucky you are that you extracted yourself from the situation. It should make you angry, and show you even more his true colors, not make you desire him more

That is exactly how I felt today! A situation occured about a month ago (too long and involved to go into details), but when it was through, many people at the school, as well as muself, had changed our opinion of OM.

When have you "run into him" since the last escapade and what happened?

I've run into him when I've had to be at school for a meeting or something and he was there. It is very uncomfortable when we are face to face in a hallway or something. Usually we have been able to stay away from each other with no contact. As I said, something happened (loosely related to the A) that was really the end of it all. For my part, I am embarressed that I felt too much for him and he, in the end, didn't feel enough for me. I'm mad that I broke my marriage vows for a lowlife like him and I'm sad that I still crave the attention/feeling I had when I was part of his life. Don't jump on me - I know it was all a fantasy and selfish and stupid - but that doesn't change how I felt.

I confided in one friend of mine about this A and she told me that today she really watched him as I presented at a meeting and felt that he still has feelings for me, but is trying hard to hide them. I told her that she is reading into things too much. Secretly, I hope he is so that I can finally have the opportunity to be in the position of power and tell him that I am not interested in the lying, cheating,and meaningless relationship anymore.

NT,

I don't think you really realize yet that this is NOT a game. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Secretly, I hope he is so that I can finally have the opportunity to be in the position of power and tell him that I am not interested in the lying, cheating,and meaningless relationship anymore. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hoping that he has feelings for you so that you can do the ending of this is really dumb.

You had better hope that he has NO feelings for you and that he never wants to be around you again, otherwise you will be here yet again wanting to know how to get out of this affair.

If he never speaks to you again, it will be better for you. If he is never around you it will be better for you.

But, you know what NT?? It is clear that your H isn't in the picture yet with regard to this issue and your thoughts. You are still in withdrawal and the fog hasn't lifted. I suspect that this OM can have you back just about when he wants from what you have just said. You are really defenseless because you have no one to turn to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

This really isn't a game and the consequences are huge if you don't quit obsessing about OM and start to focus on your marriage. At least one other person now knows about your affair, and I will bet that other suspect. This OM's modus operandus has not gone unnoticed I am sure and your behavior around him is a sure clue. You really need to be talking to your H, you don't want him hearing this from someone else.

NT, I am sorry you have decided not to talk to your H, but I sure do hope that you decide to get some help. This isn't over yet and I foresee you having a hard time dealing with all of this whether the affair stays ended or not.

Do your very best to stay away from him Nt, but also do your best to start focussing on your H, not how the affair felt and what OM is doing or thinking.

God Bless,

JL

JL - You are right - this isn't a game. But I guess I want to hurt the one who hurt me, the one who made me feel used and stupid. But I have no one to blame but myself. He is a very magnetic, suave man, but I shouldn't have fallen for his charm. The fact that I did points out some unrecognized problem in my marriage, I'm sure. Or it points to a problem in me.

Before meeting my husband, I was very insecure. In college I was in relationships that I am not proud of and I know some of the reasons for my behavior. Since my marriage, that insecurity has never reared it's ugly head, nor have I craved the attention of other men. But something about being pursued was too tempting for me to resist.

I just posted on Tempted's latest thread, hoping to give him some insight on the pain and guilt that an A can cause. Whether I tell my husband or not, I will never continue this A because I now see the kind of man that he is - a smooth-talking egomaniac who has many issues ofhis own to deal with. I've learned that I can't help him with these things - even though at one point I thought I could.

Is it so wrong to want to feel some power over this man who, for so long, controlled my emotions? Or maybe you are right and it is better to just stay away and move on with rebuilding my marriage. I can tell you that while I was obsessed with him as with no other before, he has lost his hold on me and I want nothing more than to rebuild my marriage. While he used to be in my every thought (and that is no exaggeration), I now only think of him occasionally throughout the day and hope and pray that even that diminishes. I know it will if I continue to keep my focus on my marriage and family.

Even though it may not seem so, I truly do appreciate your continued advice and support. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

NT,

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Whether I tell my husband or not, I will never continue this A because I now see the kind of man that he is - a smooth-talking egomaniac who has many issues ofhis own to deal with. I've learned that I can't help him with these things - even though at one point I thought I could.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It seems to me you may have learned the wrong lessons then. If he wasn't a 'smooth-talking egomaniac" with issues then this would have been alright??? I don't think so. You haven't really faced what you have done and did do have you?? You see you made a vow to your H and NO MAN not matter his intent, his smoothness, his issues, whether you could have helped him or not should have worth your consideration. You continually condition your judgements and decisions with these "Yes , BUT... " type words. Suggesting that telling or not telling your H isn't about him at all but simply a convenience for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am being hard on you for a reason. I sense the fog is still there, you haven't really stepped back and admitted to yourself what YOU did. The OM simply followed the signals and the scent of the game and you played your role well. This isn't about what OM was or wasn't. It is about you and your marriage and what is wrong. I don't think you will ever face this issue until you DO tell your H. That is why I am so adament about it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Is it so wrong to want to feel some power over this man who, for so long, controlled my emotions? Or maybe you are right and it is better to just stay away and move on with rebuilding my marriage. I can tell you that while I was obsessed with him as with no other before, he has lost his hold on me and I want nothing more than to rebuild my marriage. While he used to be in my every thought (and that is no exaggeration), I now only think of him occasionally throughout the day and hope and pray that even that diminishes. I know it will if I continue to keep my focus on my marriage and family.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The answer to your first question is Yes it is wrong. He didn't control your emotions you GAVE him yourself on a platter and he enjoyed the offering. You are NOT some mindless victim NT. The only victims here are your family and H. You played willingly. It isn't his hold that is the problem it is your hold on what is important in life that is the problem. I know you are not unusual in your feelings following an affair, but you must face what YOU did and what YOU choose to do. It wasn't OM's fault.

That brings me back to the marriage. Something is either wrong withyou or with your marriage. Most times it is the marriage. What was wrong NT? That is your job to figure out. But, the real problem is how to fix it once you do, because it has to do with what your H was or wasn't doing. How is he going to change when he doesn't know there is a problem or how severe it is??? It won't happen because you say "Honey, you are not making me happy and I need you to change somethings." And the proceed to give him a list of his failures and your expectations. It doesn't work that way for long. That is why the POJA is so important. You both have to agree on the changes and why they are needed.

I wish you the very best NT, and I do hope that eventually you will face this issue, not as a victim but as a woman with brains, free will, and full accountability for her decisions and actions.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Is it so wrong to want to feel some power over this man who, for so long, controlled my emotions? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I believe it is. He is STILL controlling your emotions if you are wanting to have power over him.

And basically, I don't think it will happen. You will never feel satisfied that you have finally shown him!

I made that mistake. I wanted to have the last * word * and all it did was keep the affair going. I kept obsessing, even if it was about how I was going to show HIM!

You HAVE to quit worrying about him and what he thinks, and what he feels, or having power over him. To move on with your life you have got to quit wasting any of your energy on thinking about him at all!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know it will if I continue to keep my focus on my marriage and family. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From what you post, I really don't think your focus is there yet. And I don't think you have any reason to be. Nothing has changed at home has it? Your husband is not doing anything any different.

It makes me so sad to see what is happening and not be able to help you. I hope you realize soon what we are all trying to tell you.

<small>[ August 26, 2002, 09:48 PM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>

Agree with all here..NO ONE gave him power but YOU..OK, you were duped..B/C you were needy and he SAW it. I think you are still there.
Problems in the marriage or problems in you..are NO EXCUSE for an affair.

When you stop saying "YES...BUT.." is when you will be ready to proceed. When you stop THINKING it, you will be ready to understand it.

Neverthought,
I have been wondering if you are making it OK?
Please give us a report and tell us how things are going for you.

SS