I am a WS who wishes to reunite with his wife. Please advise the best way for me to end with lover...very attached but want out. Help!

Joboot:

Well, as a BS I would simply say "just end it." But you probably should wait for some advice from other WSs on this forum. They're definitely on here, and can help you through this.

Congratulations on deciding to wake up on your own and live in the real world!

Have you posted your story somewhere? It might be helpful to know more about what your particular situation is.

Take care,

Joboot,
the only advide I can give you is "IMMEDIATELY!" You might want to write a letter to end it. Share this with your wife. Let her be part of it from the beginning on.
To end an affair "personally" with OW can be very "hurting" and "haunting" for your wife. I know this from experience. My H stopped the affair on the telephone and then he told OW personally.

Even though we have "recovered" and our marriage is better than ever, this still hurts me when I think about it. Why did he need to tell her "personally"?
He swares nothing "happened" between them when he ended it, but it still hurts to know that he needed to tell her personally and to leave a last impression of himself.

I know that this was the "fog" he was going through but now he doesn't understand why he did this. He now says it would of been better to have kept it very simply to that telephone call.

We didn't know anything about MB'S at that time, therefore I'm recommending you to do it
"a la Marriage Builders". Write a No contact Letter.
And stay STRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Your marriage can become what you never dreamed it could be. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care
BB

Involve your wife in the process...THAT will end it quick enough..and inform her of any desire you may have to continue contact.

I agree with what the others have suggested to involve your wife in the breakup process. Whether it be in person, in a letter, or a phone call, it will make more of an impact to have your wife by your side. Return whatever needs to be returned, say you're sorry for breaking any promises you may have made, and say goodbye.

Then go immediately to NO CONTACT. This will be extremely difficult (at least it was for me). But the OW needs to know you mean what you say. So does your wife.

Get some distance between you and OW. Switch jobs, move, change your phone number, etc. Keep in mind God's promise that if we resist the devil he (or in this case,she) will flee from you. But you can't expect to be successful in your endeavors to resist if you keep going back (like a dog returning to eat its own vomit).

Then work like heck on your marriage. Read all you can on this site, work the principles, don't love bust, discover what your emotional needs are and put forth all your energies into making your marriage what you want it to be.

Good luck - its not easy, but definately worth it.

You just need to end it.

A BS will probably tell you that the best way to do it would just write a NC letter with your wife and send it to her. You can find examples of letters through out this site. As an FOW I will tell you that I don’t think a NC letter written out of the blue would never work. If your relationship is indeed extremely emotional she’s going to know you. She’s going to think that you were merely put up to a NC letter by your wife and will be back (sites such as gloryb will tell her this). She’s going to be thrown for a loop and want some kind of closure and so she may start pestering you. In my mind sending someone a letter after being involved emotionally is simply wrong. (Others will argue with me and say that’s what she deserves.)

As a FOW I would say the best way to end the affair is to sit her down say we have to talk and end it. Just like that. Don’t give her anything to hang onto such as I will always love you, if this doesn’t work I’ll be back… nothing. To do so may hinder her from moving on with her life. If and when you end it, no matter how you do so, you MUST stand by what you say. You need to go to NO CONTACT. If you in any way care for the OW, you need to let her go, no matter how difficult it may seem now, anything less is extremely cruel to her. It would be cruel to your wife to contact the OW; you made one promise to her that you already broke by having an affair. Don’t compound it by breaking another promise by contacting the OW. You need to throw yourself whole-heartedly into doing what you need to do to rebuild your marriage. It’s the wise thing to do and you personally will be better off for it. Last, after you end the EMR if you contact the OW you are being cruel to yourself by extending your misery and adding to your recovery.

I’ve just given you my personal opinion on how you should end your affair. As another poster pointed out ending it personally can be very hurtful to a BS. If, as a WS, I had to choose between an ending that hurt my spouse less or the OW less I would choose the ending that made it as easy as possible on my spouse. If your wife already knows about the affair if I were you I would seek her input on how she thinks you should end it and do whatever she says. Breaking the affair is the first step in rebuilding the marriage so when it’s all said and done I wouldn’t worry too much about the OW’s feelings.

Ummmm..I think the question is...does your wife even know about the other woman?...

Good for you for finally seeing the light. Your affair is an addiction and as one it will be hard for you to break free from. Can you give us a little more background info on your situation? It might help us respond better.
Hugs,
Layli

my STBX was one of those who never believed in the NC letter, everytime he went to break it off, it didn't happen

write the letter, change your phone #'s, email, block her from all existing emails,

don't give the OP any hope of you coming back.

make a clean break, no going back

and let your W know you wrote the NC, give her access to everything

you will go through withdrawnal & it will be hard on you & your W but together you can do it

call the Harley's, let them set you up a plan to help you with recovery

recovery is a very long road but from the stories I have read, once you get there it is a beutiful place

believe the flip side divorce is not great & even my STBX would tell you that

good luck to you & your W on the long road but may you find peace & happiness at the end

Congrats to you friend, for coming around and doing the right thing. I think a good question has been posed here, however; does your W know of the affair? You've gotten some great advice from people much wiser than I, I wish my WW had the sense you do. Good luck, our prayers will be with you.