Thank you all for supporting me. I am posting this before a send an email. I sent a no contact email 3 days ago...no contact yet. I told my BW last night and today that I want to email OW to explain why I left. My NC email was short and very cold. I really feel the need to express some reasons why I left her, as these unresolved things may blow up in my face later. Can I do this if I dont give her a way to respond? I am fighting the urge but I want to explain....help

Dear Joboot!
There is never the last word: we can explain things over and over again, but does it matter on the long run? OW knows that you are married, what else do you need to explain? If she feels that you still in love with her - it will be harder for her to let it go. She'll have her withdrawal anyway, the earlier it starts - the better. 3 days for some people is a long time, don't start counting days from the beginning.

What exactly you want ot explain, can you tell us? When you put it in writing here you'll feel better. After each disclosure and each explanation, there are more to disclose and talk about.

I am a WS, but OW for OM. I begged him to tell me at once to get lost, he could never do it. So, he stopped contacts with no NC letter or talk. It was hard, but after 6 months I had no questions for him, no explanation - I let it go. Then we met again and now I am going thru withdrawal for the second time: kind of easier, but still hurts...

Joboot,

Do not email the OW!! I am also a WS and if you initiate contact with the OW...you will set the clock back on your withdrawal period. The pain and suffering you have been going through..the longing and the temptation will come back in full force..and be even more intense.

Joboot - if you truly...really care for the OW..it is far kinder for you to leave things how they are right now. This, in my honest opinion, makes it EASIER for her to move on.

Also, as harsh as this may sounds..and I don't truly intend it to be harsh....you need to place your wife's feelings above the OW's. It is more cruel to your wife to contact the OW...than it is to the OW to leave things as they are.

How did your W react when you shared your desire to contact the OW?

How do you think the 'unresolved things' will blow up in your face later? Tell us and we will try and work with you to see if these are serious concerns..and find a BETTER way to address them...or if we think they are 'reasons' that your mind/heart is 'feeding' you to keep in contact with the OW...we will tell you that! Do not..and I repeat..DO NOT..in ANY way trust your 'feelings' when it has something to do with contacting the OW.

Come here...post....do something else...exercise...heck, Lisa in London and Topie25 gave me the idea that we joke about now..when I feel the urge to call the OM...I could always stick a bunch of pretzel sticks in my mouth..hard to talk with a full mouth..downside is...I will gain soooo much weight! lol...

You need to stay busy...you need to try and focus thoughts off of OW. Think of the pain you have already caused W....of the additional hurt you will put her through if you can't stop yourself. Having feelings for someone else is one thing..acting on them another...it is unecessarily cruel to the one who does not deserve it..actually, it is cruel to both the OW and your wife. If you love the OW, let her go...

I promise you this..if you truly keep up the NC...it WILL get better!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Let us know how you are doing.

Regards,

YR

Don't do it. You will only her, yourself & your W.

My STBX could never understand that contact was why he couldn't break it off with the OW, even when we went overseas to be rid of her. Guess what we never were, in less then a yr, he quit his job & went to live with her.

Now here is is almost 15 mths later, we are still married & he has thought of leaving the OW, not to come back to me but due to other things in his life. He found out I was not everything that was wrong with his life & while I do believe he loves the OW, that she can't make him happy. Unfortunely for me, because he shared some of his maybe plans with me, it has opened up my hurt. Today is my 22nd anv, I didn't cry last yr but I have spent most of today fighting off tears.

My point contact will only hurt all involed. I wish my STBX had kept his thoughts to himself.

Good luck, you can do this. YOu are a strong person who is asking for help.

Faraway and Yellowrose

Thanks. The things I want to express to OW are reasons why I wanted to give up with her. Also how I could go from one minute loving/missing her to never wanting to speak again. I always asked her how she could do that to me, the many times she wanted to end it...we always got back together.

Last Sunday night she called me from the ER, but was short with me and called the next AM. She told me "Bob(a lurking friend) took me to the ER because you werent there" OUCH! This is after she told me over and over how she wants me to go to her place and meet her kids and xH...but when I tell her I will go there she never allows it. She had her kids and sis to meet me on my lunch once but I said no. Seem that we both cant open.

I planned to divorce my W and asked her to sign a month ago. OW was waiting for my divorce. I was accepted at grad school in LA , where OW is planning to move and start a life with me and her kids, but I backed out to stay in SF (FOG!) and straighten out this crazy relationship triangle. OW also told me that I needed this career before being in her life. In some sense, I considered my W's dedication to me, she never gave up even seperated for a month, and I was still seeing OW.

My M has been hard, but W seems insistent and serious about our M this time (what I need). Ultimately, I know the A is wrong for my W, OW and her two girls.

When I backed out of the move to LA last week, my OW must have know that I wasnt ready to D my W. She began to tell me how she will accept me anyway. It gets bad when I start comparing the two women...people dont stay in affairs because they hate the OP...there are strongly pervasive aspects about each relationship.

My getting over OW is necessary for the M to work but I am concern with treating the OW as a human being and with respect that I would want too. I know I may have to love by not loving her, my head gets it but my heart doesnt.

Hi Joboot,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My getting over OW is necessary for the M to work but I am concern with treating the OW as a human being and with respect that I would want too.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let me get this straight... you're concerned about treating the OW as a human being and with respect???

If you are concerned with treating your WIFE as a human being and with respect, then you'll never contact the OW again... (that is if you really want to rebuild your marriage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

It sounds like you have a great wife that is willing to work on the marriage with you. Focus all of your engery towards your wife and marriage and forget about the OW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF90

From Dr. Harley:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How to end the A (per Dr. Harley)...read on--

How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.

My H went "cold turkey" after his no-contact call.

It's possible. ~Marie

My H also always had difficulty with no contact. He or the OW ended it 3-4 times. We separated 7 times over 21 months. 4 months after it had ended "for good", I found him emailing her and served divorce papers.

You can keep this misery going a long time by adding more contact, more "reasons" to "explain".

And, after I served the D papers I started seeing a male friend. My H really wanted to reconcile. So I stopped seeing the OM, I understand all about how difficult no contact is from the WS point of view, because the OM had been very nice, very supportive. More contact breeds more contact, because you can never explain enough why, when married, you were spending time & making plans with another person....

H & I have been in recovery since 5/00, and we're in love, partners, doing very well.

Joboot - let us know how you are doing, ok?

YR