It has long been my belief that your spouse should be the most important person in your life. I brought this up to a female relative this past week and she told me that no mother would ever put her husband before her children.

Do you agree? As a husband, should I expect to be behind our children as far as importance in my wife's heart?

This relative is divorced following her ex being involved in several A's. I have no desire to mirror her situation, since she also stated that she would never marry again, since she could never allow herself to trust anyone that much again.

Are my own insecurities saying that your spouse should be the most important to you?

Thanks and God Bless

Biscayne,

I don't have the answer for you, but I would love to know what it is. I know that Harley's principles say that spouse should be first in your life. I'm in Plan A right now and have realized I can't force H to do anything (he has to decide for himself) so I'm placing myself and my kids before H. To be blunt, I don't feel that he deserves to be first right now--we're nowhere near recovery since he is still in contact with OW and deeply in a fog.

I know this is a touchy subject with mothers though (and prob fathers--not leaving ya'll out but I'm a woman and can only speak for me). For mothers though, that have carried these lives in their bodies for nine months and then nursed them with their own milk, there is a bond there (at least in my case) that no one can break. I can become an absolute bear if I find out someone is doing something to one of my children.

I'm interested to see what others have to say.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Biscayne:
<strong>It has long been my belief that your spouse should be the most important person in your life. I brought this up to a female relative this past week and she told me that no mother would ever put her husband before her children. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unless your S is abusive in some way, I see no reason not to put him or her first. Ideally, your S would be the person you look to for support in helping to raise the kids. A co-parent. Putting that person first should help that process along, not hinder it.

If you're successful, your kids will grow up, move out, and have their own lives in about 20 years. Your S will (ideally) be around a lot longer than that -- or not, if he or she feels that they're taking the backseat to the kids.

Mere

The most important thing you can give your kids is parents who love each other.

Yes, you need to put your spouse first. That doesn't mean ignoring the kids, or tolerating spouse who is abusive to them, or even that the spouse necessarily gets more time...most of the time, small kids will need and get more time than the couple gets.

It means you and your spouse working together to love and care for the kids, but also placing a high priority on taking time and energy for your own realtionship, time to be alone, time care for each other.

Kathi

Both are important, they are NOT mutually exclusive. I would never deprive my children for the sake of my husband and vice versa. If it came down to a CHOICE [and it RARELY DOES] I would always choose the children because they are completely dependent upon me for thier well being, my H is not.

It is not a competition, and I don't understand why any parent would demand the their spouse "put them first." How can you possibly feel in competition with your own children? What could possibly make a parent happier than having their spouse do everything in his or her power to be a good parent to their children?

In terms of needs, obviously the children come first - if there were not food to go around, what parent would deprive their own children? In any family, sometimes wants have to be juggled, and if two wants are incompatible, compromises have to be reached.

As to children growing up and leaving, in many cases, children will be home at least as long as your spouse. By the time my youngest graduates from college, I will have had children at home for 40 years. An awful lot of marriages don't last that long, even without divorce, but because of death of one of the spouses. Raising children is NOT just a tiny portion of my life, it is my entire adult life.

I agree with Nellie - it shouldn't be and isn't a competition.

I make my husband a priority because an intact family is best for my children.

I put them both first. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> In fact, in Al-Anon, we have what are called the 12 Traditions, and the first Tradition says:

"Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity."

So the quick and easy answer to your question is:
Neither.

THE FAMILY COMES FIRST!

Biscayne,

When I read this thread the first thing that came to my mind was the who came first the chicken or the egg theory. Bear with me on this one..... LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

If you are the chicken, your children (aka: the egg(s) )would not have come into this world without your love and support . However, before they can be sent out into their world (hence turning into a full grown chicken) they need the nurturing of the mother hen and the 'chicken' (aka rooster?!?!? )

Ok, so here goes ........ you are important. Each family member is important (the Bible likens each family member to a body part - the head, arms, legs, heart, etc.) Each are important.

Due to the different functional requirements each has a different role to play in making up the family. So at times each will have a level of importance that may outweigh the other family members. But NO single family member will hog the importance spotlight forever.

For the love of the family..... this must be shared. As your children grow, their spotlight duration may diminish in time. Then when the 2 of you grow older in love and years, the spotlight will still be a shared thing

Now as to the spotlight, there needs to a source of energy to give that light......who has the batteries to keep that spotlight going??!?!

JMHO,
L.

<small>[ September 15, 2002, 12:59 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

This is a really interesting topic for me.
I think it boils down to what your family dynamics is like.

My husband is the head of the household. This took me 10 yrs of being together~~ up and down and round and round~~ to figure this one out.

As head of the household, he is loved and respected. I am his wife and I am cherished and loved. Our son is our future , we love and protect him and see to his needs before he is able to fend for himself.

This is the ideal. It is a dynamic relationship, I believe in "needs" beung met not just "wants". Therefore, if my husband has a need, we will work it out as a husband and wife to meet that need.
If our son has a need, we will work it out as parents to meet his need.

Perhaps it is because I have a very asian mentality. Family is the most important, more so than any single individual in the family unit. To maintain harmony within the family, we have to work together as a family.

Just my $0.02 worth of philosophy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

~laughing~
Guess that'll teach me to read before posting!!
Family as being the most important is not asian preserve ~hitting myself on the head with a waffle bat~ it is a universal value that deserves to be upheld and fought for...
right on Bramble Rose & Orchid

My H and I are ethinically and culturally different, sometimes that causes me to try to explain where I come from even when unasked ...like now... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Iam am a newbie here. I am so glad you posed this question. I think the #1 spot shifts daily - sometimes minute by minute. I have a teenager. His needs for the basics are not as crucial as they once were. I can give more to my husband. I am separated due to the fact that my husband gives top priority to his 30 year old daughter from a previous marriage.
I am so frustrated.

In a healthy family, the marriage is the foundation. If it is not strong, then the family falls apart. So it’s imperative that spouses put each other first. They then take care of the children together.

Biscayne is not selfish in asking this question. It’s an important one. Interesting that the woman who said this does not have an intact family.

Many people misinterpret this to mean that somehow the children are being deprived. That is not the case at all. Good parents never deprive their children. But they do not put the children’s need in front of their spouse’s needs. There are few times when an exception should be made… like when one spouse is abusing the children. Then the other must protect the children. But we are talking about healthy relationships here, not abusive ones.

Let me give you an example from my previous marriage. My husband and I adopted a 10-day-old infant. We were both enthralled with the little guy… still are but he’s not so little now at 13 he towers over me. My husband took the stance that our son came first. When my husband was not home, which was often because he was in medical school I was the primary care taker of our son. He devoted every minute he was home to our son and his medical studies. Over time the family dynamic became a triangle. Our son was the middle with each of his parents forming the second and third angles. But there as no connection between my husband and I. My husband came to believe that his relationship with our son was the primary one in our family. When he walked in the door he would take our son away from me. I was not allowed to do anything for our son when his father was around.

I asked my husband to go to counseling with me. The counselor told him that without a strong marriage our son would be deprived of a strong family. My husband’s response was that his only concern was his son and ‘family’. That meant the he did not want to do anything with me alone. He wanted to either do things with our son alone or all three of us as family.

The upshot of it was that our family fell apart. My son thought that he had all the rights as adult as his father put his needs above mine. Our son also had a lot of power in our home because he was the only one who really had a relationship with both my husband and I. My husband and I did not have any kind of functional relationship by the time our son was 1.

Just about every expert you ask will say that the spouse comes first at all times. This does not mean that the children are ignored, abused or neglected. It means that the husband and wife need to work at their relationship and keep it healthy. They can then take care of the children as a healthy team. The children will always suffer if the needs of one or both parents are seriously neglected.

To assume that this means that if there is not enough food in the house that the spouse eats first is not understanding the concept at all. Parents who work together would decide together who gets the food. They would probably seek out other sources of food…. Like a food bank for one thing. This is not Bangladesh.

In other places in the world the father always eats first, then the male children, then the wife and only then the female children. In many of those countries this means that the female children die of starvation first.

It might be an interesting exercise to go though instances that people think a parent is selfish for expecting to be put first.

For example: The parents having dates.

It is important for parents to have time together. Getting a baby sitter one night a week so that the parents can have time together is good. In this case both parents are putting their relationship first.

If one parent insists that they get a babysitter every night of the week and are never there for the children, then it is not good for the family. This is selfish.

If one parent feels that they can never leave their child to be with their spouse, then that parent is putting the child ahead of their spouse. They are jeopardizing the marriage and in reality their child’s future. But I now so many mothers who feel that is this next to being saintly. It’s not.

A balance must be struck. The marriage is the foundation and must be strong before the family can flourish.

Hi you all,

interesting question...

For me my husband is the person I love most in this world.

I love my children very very much, too, but somehow the love for them is different. They are so small that they need protection, care and unconditional love. But they have not yet developed their full personalities. To see them grow up and develop their personalities is one of the greatest joys in life.

I love my husband as the person that he is. He has so many fascinating sides, there is so much to love.

He is the center of my world. The one person who "holds" my life and happiness in his hands. He is my best friend, he is the one who knows my most secret thoughts.

When I met him I wanted nothing in this world more, than to be with him. I changed my whole life for him (moved from another country, changed careers, left friends, family and relationship of 10 years).

I have never loved anybody as much as I love him. I always wanted to make him happy and to let him feel that I love him with all my heart.

After his A, when he told me about it and wanted to rebuild our life, I stopped loving him for some time. But now I feel my love for him return, deeper and with appreciation for every day that we can be with each other. I have always loved him, even when he was difficult due to his severe depression.

Now I love him for his patience and - most of all - for his kindness in the last two months since d-day. We laugh together and cry together. He holds me and comforts me. He has rebuild so much of our life together.

I love him more than anything in this world.

If the marriage isn't strong, the family will not be strong.

If there is no spouse, then it means you take care of YOURSELF first.

You can't care for others unless the foundation is strong.

Someone has already stated that the greatest gift a couple can give their children is parents who love each other.

Children, by their nature, don't always want what's best for themselves. They want what they want. And they will divide parents against each other if they can get their way.

So parents who are unified in issues of parenting will have greater success than those who fall for the child's manipulations and give in at the expense of their spouse.

However, parents can be so wrapped up in their marriage or their lives that the children feel like accessories to their parents' lives, rather than the gifts from God to those parents that they are.

Sadly, there are husbands, who like tom cats, would just as soon see their children as competition rather than join in on the parenting. Their parental technique is harsh, to the point of abusive, to push the child into a place remote, so that they may consume the other parent's attention for themselves. This is wrong and will have HARSH consequences as the child grows.

So, the answer to the question is: My husband is my first love. I love my son by nurturing my marriage first. But God help my husband if he threatens my child's wellbeing in any way, shape or form!!!!

<small>[ September 16, 2002, 08:19 AM: Message edited by: KaylaAndy ]</small>

Getting lots of good feed back here. Like to see if there's anyone else back from their weekend that may have something to add.

I have felt like I have always taken second place to my children in my wife's heart. I am not looking to compete. I do believe that it is a different type of love. When I told her that I never felt like I was the most important thing to her, she responded back with, "and I was to you?". I retrospect, I spent way too much time at a job for way too many years and took my wife and our marriage for granted. I know we talk about WS and the A's that they are involved here, but how many of us have been involved in affairs with our occcupation rather than another person. It does happen. The OP doesn't always have to be another person.

She told me in a letter later that after losing her son, that she could never let anyone come before her children. When I told the pastor that she had made this comment his response was, "if she had made that comment to me, I would advise her to unpack that in counseling".

Lots of great insight here. Keep it up folks.