hi everyone,

it's been a long time since I've been here. I mostly posted in "in recovery", but in case anyone remembers me--"hi!"

I'm doing exceptionally well. Marriage is SO back on track! I'm more in love with my H than ever- and he with me. Trust is back, too!

Here's the problem:
I found out that a friend of ours has cheated on his wife with her best friend. It happened a while ago (over a year) and apparently it is over. However, both couples socialize frequently still (OW is married). Basically everyone knows about it except the OW's H and my friend's wife. Although all of us know, some of us don't know that some of us know and the WH knows some of us know, but not others...oh gawd this sounds like a soap opera <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> A little confusing, no doubt.

Anyway, I don't know what to do. A huge part of me wants to tell her because she has the right to know. Also, I feel horrible for her that everyone knows and she is in the dark. I feel disgust at the WH and it's REALLY hard not to show this. My H and I have basically stopped all socializing with them becuase it's so hard, especially if the OW and her H are with us.

So, what would you do?

H2M

I really believe that this is a no brainer.
A true friend would inform the spouses so they can make decisions in their lives. How horrible to find out that everybody you thought were friends refused to tell you. The bottom line is if the roles were reversed; wouldn't you wish for someone to inform you so you could deal with the issue at hand. I believe that by not telling you are enabling the affairs to continue and the humiliation and disrespect to continue also.

You can't win on this one. If you tell, you stand to lose the friendship because she may not react in a positive way to the one who is going to open up all this pain and your motives may be misunderstood. On the other hand, you may be able to help her through some of it. Certainly her H is not going to have any good words to say. If you don't tell, and she finds out through another source, you stand to lose the friendship because she would question why you wouldn't let her know if you were a real friend. You could always wait and let someone else do the dirty work or do it anonymously and then be able to step in and help her through the consequences. Either way, it is going to be hard,especially if so many others know. Perhaps she does have a suspicion but is avoiding it because of the impending consequences. What does your H think? Sorry I don't have any more insight into a conclusion. I know if I was her, I would not want to be told by my best friend- it would be like losing two at once, H and friend. Just some thoughts.

thanks for your words!

I know in my heart that she should be told- if it were me, I'd be horrified and humiliated if everyone else knew except me.

It's a little complicated. Everyone knows, but some are not aware of who knows what. There have been promises made to not say anything (outside of the OW/WS). Some people found out by mistake (such as myself) and others found out from the source. Since I was not meant to find out, I was made to promise not to say anything or else the person who let it slip would be in shi*.

I know I'm not protecting her by keeping silent- and since my friends socialize with the OW and her H, NC is obviously out of the question. To me, it feels like although the PA might have ended-the A still continues because it's a secret between two people that should not have this type of secret.

I also know that it sickens me to see this OW acting like a friend when obviously she is not. I also know that because so many of us know, it is bound to come out eventually-someone will slip.

I don't want to be the messenger that gets shot at....

I was thinking that maybe I should at least go to the WS and talk to him...make sure it is over and suggest to him that maybe they should break social ties from the OW and her H. I don't know.

H2M

<small>[ September 21, 2002, 11:48 AM: Message edited by: hurts2much ]</small>

IMHO <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I believe that secrets enable the WS. Affairs thrive in sercrecy, once they are 'outed' the lustre wears thin. Since the A is over this may not apply. Even so, I still believe that the secrecy is harmful. The WS's need to be accountable and held responsible for their behaviour. The WS's probably won't change their behaviours unless they are forced to confront their own personal 'demons'. There is also the issue of STD's. The BS has the RIGHT to know if their health has been put at risk. As a FBS I'd want to know!

How about presenting not as a direct situation but as a 3rd party? You really don't know for sure what the individual spouses do or do not know.

There have been a few BS that come here saying they DONT want to know anything..... why is beyond me but some do act that way.

Given that, it might be better if all would consider what is best for the BS on each side. The WS' need to be encouraged to have radical honesty implemented and each needs to do it their own way. It is a personal matter but one that is currently affecting many..... not just in gossip terms either.

Would I want to be told? yes. Could I handle it? It would be hard but better to face the music and see reality than to learn later in life that my friends withheld the truth from me and then I would feel like a fool.

IMHO,
L.

I agree with Sadsong - you can't win and you're in a really tricky situation.

With so many people knowing various versions of events, it is inevitable that someone somewhere will let something slip. This is what happened with you

I think you should talk to the WH, perhaps share with him your experiences (if not too painful), and tell him that if his W hears from someone else it will be even more painful for her than hearing from him.

Also, if he is still in contact with the OW in their social circle, surely it would be easy for the PA to start again, and perhaps the EA is still going on?

I don't mean the chat should be "If you don't tell her I will", but perhaps you can appeal to him that it really would be the right thing to do. It is one of my regrets that my H found out through snooping and read some pretty awful things - wish I'd come clean even though it was over....

Good luck whatever you decide to do.
Lisa