I've been married for just over 7 years now. But the last 6 1/2 years have been very rocky. And in those years, I've been trying to find the problem.
First of all, I have my faults and I've tried hard to correct some of them.

Well, my wife is (and it may be the wrong term) "egocentric." She thinks her way of thinking, doing things, etc is the only way and any other way is wrong and she will let you know about it. For example, she complains about
my driving and often tells me exactly how to drive. She hates for me to chew when the room is silent because she hates the sound of it. If I get on to her for something she did wrong it is always "whatever" but she is allowed
to get on to me for things. She thinks sex is a hassle and will rarely wants to have it. She never takes blame for things she has done wrong and I am always the fault. When I want to talk about our problems, she will say we don't have any or she will roll her eyes and say "oh brother."

And I am feeling lead to seek another woman for my physical and emotional needs. My wife wants nothing to do with sex or even romance. I don't want it to come to this but I am feeling hopeless.

We are both devout Christians but she doesn't want to talk to a minister because she thinks we "have no problems."

Any suggestions???

Don't seek out another woman. One tactic might be-
write a respectful letter telling your wife how you feel. Do not lovebust. Tell her you want to improve your marriage. Give her a copy of his needs, her needs & Lovebusters.

Tell your wife you will be spending a weekend away from her (with friends or family- not another woman) to give her a chance to read the material and think about it. Then schedule a follow up meeting with her.

You have to be honest and tell your wife that your marriage is being threatened. But be positive- tell her you want to create something wonderful with her. Look at the changes you need to make as well. Don't just focus on her lovebusters.

If your M can't work, divorce first and then seek another. You are strong enough to stand on your own two feet alone. You will fall in love again. Any woman you find who will get involved with a married man has a character flaw that does not bode well for the long term.

You should go see your minister by yourself and tell him how you feel. Talking about this to someone else will help you plan a course of action.

I can identify with how lonely you must feel, but you can't right this situation by making it even worse by cheating.

Every marriage can't be saved, and if your wife doesn't want to put the effort into it, then there's no way you can make her. But you don't know that yet. Don't go behind her back and cheat. If you can't rectify the marriage, then leave it first and then find love.

espoir gave you exactly the same advice I would give you. Don't compromise your own values because of this. It will not make things better for you. In the end it will hurt you as much as your wife.

I agree about writing the letter. It is your responsibility to let her know in no uncertain terms that you want more from this marriage and if you don’t get it you are leaving her. If I were you, I’d include in the letter that you are so unhappy that you have been contemplating an affair… you don’t have anyone in particular in mind you just feel that if you stay in this marriage it is the only way you can get your needs met.

Many times people put such letters on here so that they can get help with coming from the right place. Why not start by reading the material on this web site? Then let us help you, if you are so inclined, to reach out to her and let her know where you stand on your marriage.

I do have a question … do you already have someone in mind as an OW?

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 08:42 AM: Message edited by: zorweb ]</small>

B.W. Look, if you want to leave your wife (kids?) get a divorce and move on, go for it. I say that half-heartedly, and I hope you'd give it a lot more thought.

But look, don't make the same mistake so many around here have lived thru: a half-way decision. What I mean is, if you're sick of your wife and wanna get a new one (jeez, makes relationships sound like buying a new car <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ), then do that.

Don't try to have a wife and something on the side. It will destroy your wife, and, however it turns out, mess your life up for the next 5 years or more.
And, I'm not sure what your definition of "devout" is, but I'm appalled that you would even consider pre-meditating an affair in the same paragraph as professing a belief in Jesus Christ.

Well...yes, I actually know of two girls/women who will "take care of me" and to be honest, I have had my chances but despite my problems, I just can't do it. And I think that is a good thing.

Maybe I need to go back to the start and do the things that she used to like and to get her in the "mood" and such.

I know..the Lord wouldn't approve of me being with OW and to be honest, I doubt I could ever go through with it. So, I need to find a way to fix this problem. I am sure there is a solution there somewhere.

Bro, you two should seek MC. I wasn't saying it's all your fault...

I'm expecting you'll say she's resistant, but find a way. GOD, I WISH SOMEONE WOULD HAVE TOLD MY W THAT 2 YEARS AGO!!!

B.W.

I wanted to share with you a thread that was around here when my husband and I first started to hang out here to recover from his affairs:

I think that you might want to rea...ts. He goes by SeenTheLight here on MB.

----“Well...yes, I actually know of two girls/women who will "take care of me" and to be honest, I have had my chances but despite my problems, I just can't do it. And I think that is a good thing.”

That is a very good thing. I commend you for recognizing that this is not what is best for you and your family and for seeking answers. You have come to the right place for them. The people on this web site give amazing support.

----“Maybe I need to go back to the start and do the things that she used to like and to get her in the "mood" and such.”

Well, yea!!! Please read all of the material on this web site. Then read the books “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”. They will give you the road map back to rebuilding your marriage.

----“I know..the Lord wouldn't approve of me being with OW and to be honest, I doubt I could ever go through with it. So, I need to find a way to fix this problem. I am sure there is a solution there somewhere.”

No the Lord would not approve of you cheating on your wife. He would also not approve you using other women to satisfy your needs. Even if those women are offering it to you.

OMG! B.W. I can definitely relate. Your W sounds just like my H, thinking his way is the only way of doing things and everyone else is stupid, and the chewing thing - I can't believe there's someone else out there like that. How the HELL are you supposed to bite/chew your food (like an apple or potato chips, or popcorn) without making ANY noise at all. I don't smack, I don't have poor table manners - some things just make noise when you eat them! But, it's okay for him to make the noise just can't stand to hear someone else. We have had many fights about this. I've even gotten up and left the room with whatever I was eating so he didn't have to hear me because I could tell it was bothering him. I didn't have an A but I did withdrew emotionally & physically to some extent from my husband because of this and other similar behavior. In turn, he had a A with someone half our age. He regrets it terribly and his been totally remorseful. He has changed a lot (for the better) since all of this happened. We are now about 10 months into recovery. B.W., don't do it! It's a terrible thing to go through. (Read some of my other posts for my story if you like). If you are totally miserable and feel you'd be happier with someone else, do the right thing and split with your wife first or let her know you're thinking of separating - maybe she will realize the seriousness of her behavior and the effect it's having on you. Best of luck to you!