I'm not sure that I understand how a WS who was soo in love with the OP can come back to their spouse and love them like they used too.
My WS says that she never stopped loving me, yet she still went ahead with her A.
How can WS's seem to move on from their A and go back to the person who "drove" them to having an A with someone who filled their perceived needs?
I'm hoping that our love will recover, but will it ever be the same?
Can BS's love overcome the obstacles and love their S like they used too when they totally trusted them and relied on them.
I've had a couple of really bad days and I seem to be slipping backwards in our recovery.
I'm also dealing with a potential takeover of the company I work for to a new owner that none of us can stand, just what we needed at this time.
I'm still in shock over what happened and I've never lost it on my W and things have remained civil despite the strain.
I'm still very hurt and depressed and can't seem to move on, we have not been talking about the A the last week or so and I'm not sure that's good or bad.
My FWS seems to be doing better than I am at this juncture and I'm happy for her, I just wish I could be happy but it seems so hard to get over the A.

I have many of the same questions....sorry, no answers. But I thought I'd bump you up. Perhaps some wise recover-ees will enlighten us.

I heard -- and said -- the same things as your spouse. At the root level, I always knew my As were just a front, even the one A that had the most "love" elements intact. The fact was, if my S had ever done anything to show she wanted to meet my needs, then I would have forgotten completely about any other woman. Reality was, it happened a couple of times. Each time my spouse did something that reminded me of why I loved her, I came right back emotionally. Unfortunately, I didn't change enough to allow her to continue doing the nice things for me. So, in time, she faded and I started looking around.
After discovery of her own As, I realized she was saying many of the same things. In fact, some of her As were an effort for me to "discover what I was doing" so I'd send her packing. She'd finally had enough crap and fell in with someone she cared about, and said she was in love. But, she continually reminded him of her love for me and her commitment to the marriage.

It comes back to the same thing everyone else says on this board: The A was a fantasy, designed to fill the holes. It's not about love. It's about what was missing.

bradleym, and, trying to get it right,

I am the FWS and it took my H a really long time to fully get over my A. He ended up having a revenge A. I am a lot more forgiving than he is(and probably because I started this mess) it was eaiser for me to get past his A. I really believe though, if you follow all MB principles the love comes back even better than it was before. There are quite a few other MB's that say the same thing, it just takes time and work from both of you. I love my H now more than I ever have. I have this little thing I tell him every night before we go to sleep, "I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tommorow". Through MC and IC both of us realized what was "missing" in our M prior to our A's to create a situation where an A was possible. We have made a commitment to each other that "it" won't be missing again. We have in essence made it impossible for an A to occur in our M again.

DU

I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER THE SAME THING. MY H ACTS AS IF THE A NEVER HAPPENED.(HIS) AND THAT WHILE HE WAS HAVING THE A HE WAS SUPRESSING HIS LOVE FOR ME NOW HE KNOWS HE REALLY LOVES ME. I TAKE MY PART I WASN'T THE BEST AT MEETING HIS NEEDS ONLY IN THE PHYSICAL WAY. I'LL NOT MAKE THAT MISTAKE AGAIN. ANYWAY I WISH I HAD THE ANSWER CAN WS GO FROM LOVING YOU TO NOT LOVING,DESIRING,WANTING,PASSIION OR ANY OF THESE FEELINGS FOR BS AND AFTER A FEELS THESE AGAIN. SO CONFUSING. IT COULD DRIVE SOMEONE MAD. ONLY THE WS CAN ANSWER THAT HONESTLY AND THEN WOULD WE BELIEVE THEM. AND HERE WE GO AGAIN. PICK WRONG DAY TO POST REPLY I GUESS!!!!

I am a FWS and I can say that your wife must love you deeply to stay committed to you. Remember the affair was not about love, but about emotional needs that were not being met inside the marriage. Please try to be understanding of that and see what EN's are missing in the marriage. Hang in there.

Hi, BradleyM.

I remember well the incredible pain, devastation and betrayal you must be feeling right now. I was first a BS, then WS, then BS again, so I count myself an authority on infidelity ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ).

I remember the days when I wondered how I would survive the pain of my FWH's year-long EA/PA, let alone ever "get over it". The betrayal completely blind-sided me. I changed dramatically, and ended up having an EA/PA myself. That caused even more pain and confusion in the marriage. Duh.

I won't get into the specifics of the A's any more than that, because I don't really remember alot of it correctly now anyway. It really has faded with time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I really just wanted to tell you that it is very possible for love to return to your marriage after an affair. In my case, it's not the same love...it's a deeper, more profound love than I ever thought was possible. We honestly love (and like!) each other more now than we did 18 years ago when we were in the first "blush" of love.

We didn't have a clue what love really is. Now we do, and we protect it fiercely.

For us recovery meant completely starting over. Total forgiveness of EVERYTHING, not just lip-service. We've learned how to communicate MUCH better (that was so hard for H) and to lay our bad feelings on the table and address them immediately, so there's no chance they'll fester. We spend most all of our free time together, and absolutely love it. We focus on making our spouse the happiest person alive, and it somehow splashes onto everyone -- now our home is a happy home!

It is possible to love each other again. I thank God every day that we didn't throw our love away when it seemed like the "right" thing to do.

Don't give up. Please. Give it time and be patient. Walk in love no matter what....the benefits FAR outweigh the sacrifices.

Lori