My WH and I have had NO contact since 9/11 (when I wrote him to tell him that I was thinking of him on this day of reflection). Before that, the contact was minimal at best. Oh yeah, our anniversary was 9/9 and I heard nothing from him. I did not contact him either, although I did send him a non-relationship card.

Do you think I am doing the right thing by completely backing off and having no contact. Or should I be sending him an e-mail every now and again telling him hello and that I am thinking of him.

Davepr- you mentioned in Confused Guy's post that it is beneficial to "let go". I am really beginning to do this, and truthfully, I am beginning to detach. Don't get me wrong, I still think of H often, but not all the time and I no longer get upset. I think I may be letting go. But, is part of letting go not contacting H at all?

My H and I have no kids and really have no need to talk. The longer we go without talking, the easier it is becoming for me to "let go". But, my fear is that this is also happening to my H. Am I making it easier for him to let go?

This is difficult and half of me wants to contact him, via a very short e-mail, and half of me doesn't. His birthday is Oct. 8 and I was definitely going to send him a light, non-relationship card. I also thought of sending him an e-mail to let him know I am thinking of him. If I wait until Oct. 8 to contact him, it will have been just short of a month since we had any contact. Maybe I am better off not contacting him at all.....

What do you think?????? Should I wait until he initiates. Last time we saw each other, about a month ago, he lent me his jacket. It turned ugly though, I ended up sobbing. Well, I still have his jacket and eventually he is going to want it back. This may be a reason for him to contact me.

Oh yeah, he can begin divorce proceedings in October if he wants. He hasn't mentioned divorce in about five months and neither have I. He does know that I will not initiate the process, at least not yet.

Sorry for rambling!!!! Any advice is so appreciated!!!

AS

Bump....

I was so looking forward to seeing answers from the experts on THIS one! You have the same questions that I do. Like you, we have no kids, are physically separated, WH says he wants to quit, I won't quit, all contact initiated by me in form of e-mail (always lite) but very infrequent. Lack of contact sure helped me emotionally. But as you say, I worry so much that it's doing the same to him.

My gut feel? (And remember, I am definitely a newbie here - so take it for what it's worth!)
The way I see it, how can you go wrong. If he's so in the Fog he can't appreciate your gesture then he'll think that no matter what you do. Otherwise it can only make him feel good, right? What did you used to do for WH's B'day, when u were still together? Anything special? Can you send him a box of cookies or brownies with some silly card? Or a little "toy" that will remind him?

I had a C session with Jennifer the other day so I could get the real expert's input. Her advice: continue to make deposits into WH's LB$. In her opinion the only way he'll ever start to feel "in love" again is if I do this consistently without Love Busting which brings you back to square 1.

Jennifer did say that Plan B (i.e. no contact) should not be used except as last resort. When you need to protect yourself from his thoughtlessness, and him from your LB's, when you need to realize what D will feel like, and to realize you can survive alone. But Plan B, according to Jen, does *NOT* make the heart grow fonder and does not bring u close togethr.

Playing Devil's advocate, I've also seen lots of posts on here about how Plan B was the only way to make the WS see the light.

However, my gut says to go with Jen's approach. It feels right - at least for my situation. I've been reading a thread on Unconditional Love and what it means and how it works - it's given me some new perspectives about giving and giving and giving till it hurts. But you'll have to make the call for yourself as to what's right for you and your WH.

Hope to hear some others weigh in on this. This makes 2 of us who could use answers. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ September 27, 2002, 07:13 PM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

Good evening,

Just a note about birthdays. They are very interesting to say the least. At least my recent one was. I have been on the divorce board for about 3 months and it seems to be getting slow. Or maybe it is that I am changing somewhat and the thought of reconciliation has dramatically decreased for me.

Anyway, quickly. My wife is WS repeatedly. We attempted reconciliation, but after 4 months of me Plan Aing, she just couldn't keep going. She immediately if not before, reentered her affair and filed for divorce in July. I have been letting go since that time.

Anyway, my birthday was 9/2. We have 2 boys, 9 and 5. I had them on my birthday/weekend. We have 50/50 custody. They got me each a charm and a picture of me and them. Nothing at all from her. I spoke with her briefly on my birthday for something unrelated, and no mention by either of us. Anyway, about a week or so later, I was speaking to her on the phone (rarely have direct contact or verbal, mostly email). She brings up the "fact" that she was very angry with me because I didn't 'thank her' for taking the boys out and getting me a present. She said that she 'dragged them out at 7:30 the night before, even though they didn't want to. She said "He is your father and you WILL get him something for his birthday."' And that I showed "NO appreciation" for that fact. My boys hate to go shopping for anything at all. They get bored walking around. Well, I replied that I had no idea that it was such a difficult thing to do, and that I was somewhat upset that she didn't acknowledge my birthday, even if only to say "Happy Birthday". I told her I didn't know what to expect, but that at least I guess that I expected her to say something when we talked. She said that I should have thanked her for taking the boys out to get me something.

Everything for her is a chore when it isn't FOR HER.

Anyway, I don't know what you should do for his birthday. But I do recommend at least acknowledging it in some way. We had been together for 14 years and this was the first birthday that she was not with me.

I am getting over her in record time. I look back and see similar occurances throughout our lives together. When her "SACRIFICE" of doing the right thing was not adequately acknowledged by me and she felt slighted.

All I can say is that too much may seem weird and may be uncalled for, but 'nothing' felt like a slight to me. I would have preferred just a "Happy Birthday" on the phone, not a card, because for me it would have just been something hard, fast, and physical that I would have had to look at to remind me of her. Now I could care less actually.

Take care.

AS and SH
I just had to respond to this thread...here's a synopsis of my timeline:

I initiated Plan A while H was still at home, knowing he was leaving in 6 months. He left July 1, and my local MC suggested I do "tough love" which is basically Plan B. I did, and found it helped ME to disassociate, and to "think as a single". Only contact came when H initiated it (not often). But this plan helped guard my heart against hurt and pain.

However, having said that, I began counseling with Steve Harley. This week, in my third session, he felt that I should look for ways to intiate conversation or interaction. In other words, go back to a Plan A even though we're separated. His reasoning was that "emotions predict our future, based on how we feel today". As you have found out, it is easy to begin to feel, act, and think as a single, when you are separated. And it's the same for our spouses .

That's why it might be good to continue to interact in the ways you have been ,(non-mushy cards, etc.) which are great, IMHO. It will let you continue to deposit into his love bank. And you will not have any regrets about wishing you had tried a little longer (as long as you can hold out) in Plan A. Remember the purposes of each Plan!

Thank you all for replying!!! It is so interesting to hear your thoughts, and it seems that everyone agrees that a light e-mail, card, or something every-so-often is a good thing.

SH94- we really do have similar situations. How long have you and your H been separated? I apologize for not knowing your story, but did he have an A? Is he still involved with OW? How long were you married?

I think I may start to look for something really small, but significant, to send H for his b-day. Hmmmm... this is going to be a hard one.

In our situations SH94, I am not so sure Plan B is ever the right answer. We have no kids and are living apart, so it is really easy for the WS to move on. In my case at least, an official Plan B letter would only push H away. I tried it in the beginning, before I really "got" MB (to try and win him back- clearly the wrong use of Plan b), and it only managed to push H further away. Yes, this unconditional love thing is hard, but it is also what Plan A is really about, at least in my opinion. We have to be the "bigger people" for awhile if we want our marriages to work. And, it makes us better people in the long run. It sounds like you are doing a fab Plan A BTW!!!

FC- I am sorry to hear your about your birthday. I can relate. My H didn't acknowledge my b-day at all. No card, no call, nothing. He did call me the day before (and he rarely calls) and mentioned my b-day, so I guess to him that was his way of acknowledging it. It really hurt!!! I am glad you are letting go, but that doesn't necessarily mean giving up. Are you done with Plan A altogether? 4 months is really a very short Plan A. I know you think her filing means it is over, but I have read plenty of times when the WS turns around. Do what is best for you and your children.

avondale25, what SH told you is so right. I am beginning to look, act, and feel single (after a year of being on my own) and I am sure my H is feeling the same way. I think I may drop my H a light e-mail this week asking him how he is doing. Thanks for the advice.

Thanks to you all and I hope we get some more replies. Enjoy the weekend. It is a gorgeous day here (I am in Maryland) and I am going to sit on my deck, put my feet up, and read a book. This is definitely a sign that I am "letting go" in the past I would be in tears on a weekend that I was alone. I have not given up though!

AS