My husband and I are currently separated, since June '02. We have just started counseling and both are Plan Aing. (going quite well) We had a lot of problems when we were together. Neither of us were meeting the other's emotional needs. we had some serious issues about parenting, finances, emotional abuse, etc. We have some work to do, but there is one issue that I see no compromise on and it is something that bothers me. 2 years ago, after we were married for 14 years, my husband switched religions. from the Church of Christ to Jehovah's Witnesses. the 2 have some totally opposite beliefs. I mean no offense to anyone, but I disagree with a lot of the JW teachings, and believe me, I have researched this extensively. One thing that bothered me is there is no celebration of holidays or birthdays. My husband allowed my children to continue to do so, but still told them why it was wrong, therefore, they (especially my son, 10) felt guilty and confused about it. I hate for him to be mentally stressed like this.

My husband and I will probably get back together and I just don't know how to deal with this. I know that even if we didn't get back together, my husband would still share his religious views with them. How do you handle all this in the same home? Anyone going through something like this?

I think this is a very serious question and I am sorry no-one else has touched this yet.

My H and I are both Catholic, and its hard enough when you have 2 people with the same faith - we have a lot to talk about even within our faith about what things mean and to what degree. I would find it extremely difficult to live with someone who, by nature of his religious belief, made everyone else in the household "wrong".

The Bible actually warns against marrying outside the faith for that reason - the dissent tears marriages and families apart.

Perhaps others have a more positive view on this situation or can speak from personal experience, so I am bumping you up.

LIR

Janemh,

When a family is divided in it's household by religious views the raising of children becomes more difficult. I understand how you feel about your H not wanting to celebrate holidays and birthdays may seem cruel to you and your children but remember that your children will generally follow the attitudes displayed by the parents.

Both you and your H need to realize the emotional impact on your children. Have you asked your H why he feels so strongly about his beliefs? Ask him is there another way you both can show your love for your children without touching on such a sensitive issue?

You see Jane as a child I was raised as a Witness. My parents stopped celebrating the holidays by the time I was 1 year old. Yet through my childhood, I did not feel deprived of not having birthdays or the holidays. When my parents gave me presents or treats, it was from their heart and because they were doing what they could out of their love for me. As a child I did not regret my upbringing. My parents did not 'force' their beliefs on me. They taught me as best they could but ultimately, the decision was mine. As a child I was guided by what they learned but the teachings became my way of life by my choice.

If after you hear your H out, you still feel that you need to celebrate these holidays and birthdays, let him know that is how you feel.
There may have to be a meeting of the minds on what is agreed upon. Ask how you can do it without burdening his conscience. He must respect yours as well.

You say your child is 10, he/she already knows you both have different beliefs. Then together speak to your child and let them know how you will proceed. Later your child may question each of you why you believe differently make sure the answer you give is honest and forthright. The truth is more important. Your child will respect the both of you for that. Yes, there will be some confusion right now until you both agree how to handle it.

Your H can get guidance on how to best work with you and your children. The JW's are not anti fun nor are they sooo stubborn that they will not listen to what is reasonable.

Just a side example, my H is not a JW at this time. He is familar with them. The OW hates the JWs and told the WS (at the time) that she was going to make sure the WS and our son celebrated all the holidays and he had better like it. That greatly offended me.

I know I posted to you before, but I am not sure if you appreciate what I have written. If my thoughts offend you, I will cease writing.

I hope things work out for you and your H.

take care,
L.

<small>[ October 01, 2002, 02:25 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

I have gone on about this subject for so long that people are probably tired of me but--I understand how hurt you must feel about it. Religion (or the lack of it) is such a personal and important part of an individual that when they cannot share this with their spouse, the one that they love most in the world, it causes a great deal of discomfort.

I am a Christian and I married my husband during a time that religion didn't matter to me. I was at a terrible low point in my life. Shortly after I married and realized how turbulant my marriage was going to be, I understood that I needed God. I needed healing. I needed forgiveness. I needed to belong to Him.

My husband is an atheist. He denies any type of higher power, period. He hates anything but absolute cold hard visible scientific evidence of anything. It doesn't exist if he can't see it, in otherwords. (This theory seems to apply to everything in his life.) I think that this is kind of a sad and hopeless way to live, but hey. . .like I said, your beliefs are you own. And they are always subject to change. . .(mine did.)

As for Christmas and all that jazz. . .I am the one person on the face of the earth that can't stand modern "Christmas." To me, Christmas represents the birth of Christ--something to be quietly joyous about. Spending quiet time with people you love, going to church to worship, singing songs, lighting the advent wreath, this all is Christmas to me. Maxing out credit cards buying all that crap for people that they generally can't use and probably don't want--well, it's exausting. To me, it almost makes a mockery of Christmas. Even though my husband has no belief in Christ, he INSISTS on Christmas. He insists on buying all kinds of toys for the kid when he already has closets and buckets and boxes full of toys that he doesn't even play with (We just made a military PCS move--7 large boxes in our shipment that were just toys.) It is fine that my son believes that Santa Claus is real (isn't he a "made up" guy, too, just like my husband thinks God is?) but it is not fine that he may believe in Jesus Christ. Go figure.

Since I have spent the last 10 years living in Hawaii then Okinawa, Christmas to me now is eating a bunch of BBQ and chillin on the beach, anyway. Good enough.

I would rather not celebrate Christmas unless I could celebrate the true meaning of the holiday. I would like to light the advent wreath. I would like to put a creche on the table. I would like to bless the holiday meal with a prayer, and go to church together on Christmas eve. But, sadly, it aint gonna happen in this house. But--I go out and find presents for everybody so that we can have "Christmas." This is what my husband expects.

Again with Easter--it is OK to believe in the Easter Bunny, but not in the resurected Lord. I put those plastic eggs out with loads of candy so the kid can load up on calories for about a week. My husband wants the kid to have his Easter. It makes me feel a little bad, but I understand that I have to make the best of the situation.

So I guess, even though we have different situations, we are in the same boat.

Maybe what you can do is go to your pastor, or minister, and tell him what you are going through and ask him to advise you on how to cope. If he is true to the word of God, he will counsel you on how to continue in the marriage. And learn to negotiate with your husband on the situation. compromise. Give and take.

It seems that you are good to go in that your husband is allowing your children to choose their own beliefs. My husband and I do this--I take the kid to church, and he learns what I believe in, but when my son asks his dad why he doesn't attend, I have to step back and allow my husband to tell him why he does not believe in God and give his reasons (uhhhhhhh. . .ummmmmmmmm. . .)

Yeah, it is confusing to the child in that he loves both of his parents and wants to follow in the path of both of them. It is very unfortunate. However, I can do my part in teaching my boy and when he is grown, he can choose. That, ultimately, is something that I can never do for my son--make his choices for him.

Many children are force-fed and nurtured in religion all of their lives (like my husband) and yet still do not understand and believe as adults--that's a fact of life. They have choices, that's a part of living.

So, I would not sweat the small stuff--tell your kids that you are chosing to celebrate their birthday (or other holidays) with them because you love and honor them, and you are glad that they were born to you. And then explain to them that their dad loves them just as much, but that he choses to acknowledge their birthday just in his mind. (I don't really understand JW religion. . .you should do your part in finding out as much as you can about it and explaining to your children the how and why you do things differently than their dad.)

It is important that your children see you negotiate with your husband and demonstrate your respect for his beliefs. This will teach them, by far, more important lessons than they could ever learn in Sunday school.

Thank you all for your comments. Lots of "food for thought" I want to respond to each of you.

Lady-You brought up an interesting point. JW's do teach that everyone else is wrong. That is the difficult thing. A Catholic and a Lutheran could maybe compromise. Or a Methodist and a Church of Christ. They are all Christian religions. But a Christian religion and a JW religion do not mix all that well. It's a tough situation.

Orchid-I appreciate what you write to me very, very much. Especially since you help me to see the other point of view. Thank you! And to be honest, holidays are not my most important issue. Other things, such as salvation for ALL, heaven, death, the Lord's supper...all are far more important. These issues cause my children to "practice" in 2 opposite ways NOW. It's like they have to choose NOW. My 15 year old is mentally mature enough to weigh the issues, but my 10 year old is not. His beliefs are based on what he is told and what his parents believe. It's difficult for him. I appreciate your thoughts. Do you have any advice on compromises for practicing.

And Bernzini-Oh, I agree wholeheartedly that Christmas usually doesn't seem to be about Christ for a lot of people. One proof is that atheists celebrate it. You're right. I have tried to teach my children the true meaning. I still give gifts and the Bible talks about exchanging gifts during a joyous celebration. (I think that is in Esther. Yes, Esther 9) Like I said to Orchid above, there are other issues that are more important. I think I will seek counsel from a Christian pastor. I keep praying that God will guide us. I admire your patience and understanding. I need to be like you.

Jane,

I think you and your H need to sit down and decide as a couple what is important in regards to your children. For us it was being honest and truthful. It meant not making up stories and deliberately being deceptive.

We encouraged our child to ask questions and told him not to believe things just because mom and dad said. That is how I was raised. My parents did not expect me to believe them with blind faith. When I was old enough, I had to explain my personal beliefs to others (including my teachers). That was my choice.

With those skills given at an early age I was able to make decisions at school and even explain to both adults and children about my personal choices. That is what I think is important for you and your H to do. That will eliminate the confusion you feel is being heaped upon your children.

Know that they may choose a path same as either of your or a totally different one. But it should be one they can understand and explain. Of course that means we need to be able to explain our beliefs as well.

Strive for the truth, don't take someone's word for it, check it out. Make sure you understand it and can explain it reasonably to others. If you can't then think twice before passing it on to your children.

This principal can be used in other aspects of one's life.

I hope it works out for you and your H.

L.

Guys,
Let me put across an alternative point of view here. I hear and see many people on this board 'turning to God', citing psalms, offering prayers and all of that. My view is: Great, fine - whatever works, works. However, I would refrain from drawing conclusions if people in a marriage have a different faith and if people think differently. What is much more important is, how you live your faith and what role it plays in your personal life and in the family. Now, if say 2 persons are in different christian sects and feel very, very strongly about it, then that's a recipe for disaster despite the fact that, well, both are christians. But if the partners in a marriage are from different religions, say calvinist and muslim (like myself and my wife), see the commmon points that unite both these religions, are both not hardcore fanatics, but with a liberal view on it, then that actually works. We are making the point that our daughter is exposed to both religions. So, we celebrate christmas and ramadan, my wife says a brief thank you to allah after meal, and daughter sings in the choir at school mostly christian songs. confusing? maybe. but hey, it works. No religion can have a monopoly of 'rightness' and morale. There are important spiritual and cultural messages in every religion. Live and let live, guys.
My marriage is maybe not the perfect role marriage (well, otherwise I wouldnt be here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ), but the core issues we are struggling with are not the different religion.
Nick

Nick-you bring up very good points, thank you! It would be great if that were how the JW's look at things. I went to their meetings for a year and did in-home bible study. I have looked on the internet at their teachings over time and they believe and teach that they are the ONLY true religion, the ONLY channel of communication between God and man, no one can understand the Bible without their help etc. etc. They do not allow their people to question this either. You accept it-or you are not welcome. That creates a problem. I don't like my children to sit in their meetings and hear a message like this. They condemn others.