Layli are things o.k.?

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you guys. Things in my life have been crappy. My aunt I am very close to was idagnosed with gliblastoma. A very rare and lethal brain cancer. She is my Mom's buddy, they live out of state together so I have been putting in extra time taking care of the mamma cita. Things with WH are strange as ever. Over the last few months, it has felt as though we have been closer than we have ever been. Probably more. I haven't been LB'ing, just plan A'ing my butt off.
Today I woke up very blue, made the fatal mistake of asking where we were. He still doesn't want me guys. The last thing on my list was for him to talk to Steve, which he is still agreeing to.
Money has been tight, he has been off work for quite awhile but I will find a way to get him a session with Steve. We really have been doing great I thought. Spending lots of quality time together, I have been working on myself, getting stronger I thought until today. It felt almost as bad as when I first found out.
I don't get how someone can be sooo loving to me yet not want me. Am I stupid for allowing my hopes to get up over little things I percieve as the fog lifting?
Today wasn't too bad on the LB's. I cried a lot. We talked a bit. I am at an impasse. I started on paxil today, I am hoping that helps. My doctor says he believes there are 2 reasons to end a marriage. Physical or emotional abuse or addiction. He sees WH's problems with online gaming as an addiction. If any of you watched the EQ segment on 48 hours you had a small glimpse into my life. He is still playing into the whole, "When we lived on our own we fought EVERY day" crap. I think things will be better out on our own. He doesn't.
So where do I go from here? I still feel lost but I do now know for sure that my desire to stay with him is rooted in a deep love for him. I could work around the rest, everything, if he would just make some small attempt to meet me part of the way.
I have also realized with what my aunt is facing that life is too short to be miserable or to let someone you love make you feel miserable.
I know, deep in my heart, that us divorcing wont kill me. But I am a girl who likes to get what she wants. I want him, I want him to want me, but I also don't believe I could be in a relationship where I feel as though I am there by default. I want to be his top priority. That is something I can't settle for less on. I have taken great strides since finding this sight in May. I have made him my top priority for months.
So I guess my question is, do I take a chance on Steve working with him or do I salvage my self respect and dignity and finally move on.
BTW, no luck on getting him to cut down contact with OW, so I failed in that plan B aspect.
Let me know guys, I miss you all. Tha last few months have been hard without your support and feedback. I hope all is well with you guys. I have thought about and prayed for you often.
Love and hugs
Layli

Hi, Layli. You really have been on my mind lately, and I've been looking for ya.

I'm so sorry to hear about your aunt. An illness like that is so hard on everyone. I'm also sorry to hear your H hasn't made any progress <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . I know you've got to be so frustrated, especially since things seemed to be going well. I have a friend whose husband sounds much like yours -- she finally had to stop talking to him altogether about their relationship, his going to church, his total lack of parenting, etc...and she just has to live her life around him. It must be very difficult - for both of you ladies.

I agree that it would probably be better if you guys were out on your own, but obviously he's just going to be bullheaded about that. Sounds like he's afraid that if ya'll move out he'll actually have to expend some effort in order to maintain a roof over his own head. That would probably help wake him up, but he won't do that without being pushed. Maybe Steve H. can help when they talk. I'm glad your H agreed to that.

Layli, do you have a time line your dealing with here? Are you going to address that issue after he talks with Steve? You can't go on like this too much longer without progress...so unhealthy for you...but your H could probably go on like this forever.

Gosh, this isn't advice, is it? Just more negative...I didn't intend that. You're a very strong and capable woman, Layli. You've proven that. You'll be o.k. Let us help.

Lori

It's good to hear from you Layli! Soooo sorry things aren't better <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Layli, you've Plan A'd perfectly. If you've felt you and hubby are closer than ever then you've done all you can. The next step is to show him what life without you COMPLETELY is like. A good Plan B letter stating that you can't be just a friend when you still love him and want to be his wife...and then a dose of cold hard reality. It'll kill the thrill of the A really quick. What it will do with his addiction is questionable. It may take someone else stepping in to change that. But that's HIS problem to solve...there's nothing you can do to help that.

Leaving doesn't absolutely constitute divorce. It just protects you from being used and confused any further. With everything that's going on right now layli, you need to think about what you need. Do what you have to for yourself. Take care and please keep us updated! I too think of you often! BIG HUGS!!!! (((((LAYLI)))))

Well, I think once WH talks to Steve, I will make my decision when to move. I have to soon since my Mom is moving up and can't live on her own.
I know I need to make a decision soon, this is affecting my work, my health, everything.
My biggest fear is that I will stay too long and resent him for the continual hurt. Still in contact with OW, things he says to me that are loving that are habit that aew no longer appropriate.
Here is an amazing thing though. Last night I was talking about what a relief it was to have access to Marriage builders again. I was talking about hoe much you guys help me.
I also explained why I trusted Steve as a counselor and why I felt we still had hope.
No LB's. Just honest communication, more talk of why our lasr counselor failed.
I explained that this site might be useful for him also. I explained neverthoughts situation and how scared she was when she first posted.
I explained the concept of love busters and emotional needs. How we failed to meet each others emotional needs. He chipped in about how we were both selfish, took each other for granted.
I pointed out that we had been communicating better since this all happened. Well after we went back inside, I noticed him reading the basic concepts and message boards here.
Maybe it will help, maybe it wont.
I can't believe he actually checked out the site.
I will try not to read too much into it.
Thanks for posting guys.
It meant the world getting on after so long and seeing people missed me.
It was just the boost I needed.
Love and hugs,
Layli