Taking what I have heard on here, I told my friend some of the things that you have brought up and this is what she has told me.
1. She feels to me like she did her favorite cousin. A connection but clearly no physical component.
2. A good work friend.
3. Says she is a good catholic and has no intention of cheating on husband.

I answered that it seemed like she was close to me. She said she was and would miss me if I was not at work. She said what is wrong with that? I honestly cant say anything is worong with that. We have neer held a hand or kissed or done anything like that at all

I can understand the innocence that appears here, but it seems to me like more to her. I think this could be considered and emotional A. She is getting something from you that she doesn't from her H and that is wrong. Sometimes we like to tell ourselves things so that we won't think we are doing anything wrong. Could this be what she is doing? This is risky as the more time you spend together the more likely something else will happen that you will both regret. Be very careful.

All I can say, is that if YOU think there is something wrong with this friendship, then end it. No offense to your friend, but her feelings are irrelevant. What matters most are your feelings, and your W's feelings, and your M.

Sorry I'm being so blunt, but I can't think of anything else to say. (strange for me... trust me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ).

Karen

I would not have thought anything wrong with this until my brother recently went through a divorce. Then everything is filtered through that. I know I am not doing anything wrong. I dont get the emotional affair thing that much even thought I have been reading about it. I understand a phuysical affair and as I grew up that is what an affair always meant to me.

If anyone saw us at lunch it would be no big deal. We see coworkers when we have had lunches. We have not had lunch since last week when I brought the stuff up.

If it is an EA on her part and a friendship on mine, what is the danger. She is not going to strip opff my clothes and take me to bed.

She told me she was like a favorite cousin where thery was no physical relatoinship

Cautious: if you're looking for someone here to tell you it is ok, you're not going to find it. I am unsure why you keep asking. It's like my kids, daddy I want a cookie. No. Daddy I want a cookie. No. Daddy... I really want a cookie...ok fine. If your're the kid asking for the cookie, there's no parent here that's going to give it to you.

Also, my WW had an EA with a man 1500 miles away and it is destroying our lives. So don't act like this is all so innocent. Her's was innocent at the beginning too.

TORO

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cautious:
[QB]I would not have thought anything wrong with this until my brother recently went through a divorce. Then everything is filtered through that. I know I am not doing anything wrong. I dont get the emotional affair thing that much even thought I have been reading about it.QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">cautious:
You seem to need more evidence so here you go. My W considers herself a 'good' catholic. She has received praise and admiration for work she did in our local parish and regionally. After she started seeing OM1 (yes, the first one) she even organized a weekday evening time to say the rosary in Spanish in church specifically for immigrants (including OM1) in the area. After the prayers, she went back to OM1 place. About four months after the A with OM1 ended, she started seeing OM2, who was also considered an model member of the catholic immigrant community. Sometime during the A with OM2, my WW basically propositioned OM3, another man highly thought of in the catholic community with some close association with our bishop.

One morale of the story: being catholic or a strong believer of any other faith, does not make one immune from having an A.

Take some flowers home tonight and ask your wife if she'd do you the honor of meeting you for a picnic lunch tomorrow or the next convenient time. You bring the food and drink and ask if she can bring her smile. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

HoFS

cautious,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I dont get the emotional affair thing that much even thought I have been reading about it. I understand a phuysical affair and as I grew up that is what an affair always meant to me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's what I thought. You seem to be stuck on the definition of an affair as having sex.

You (or more likely your wife) will understand that an affair is when your spouse gives their heart to someone else and no longer wants to give it to you.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know I am not doing anything wrong.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tell that to your W when you see the pain you've caused her.

This is all I have to say to you any more. I'm leaving to have lunch with my W.

S&C

C,

Your threads have been interesting to me on several levels. In my opinion you are not alone in your belief system regarding affairs.

At some point I am going to suggest that my WH read some posts on MB. Your's will be one of the ones I recommned. Why?

Because his belief system used to be similar to yours. And now that we're in recovery he keeps bumping into his old belief system because it had become a way of life for him.

What he has learned is that the cause of his affair was his "failure to protect" himself from the affair in the first place. He has also learned that he has a weakness for affairs. This was all "new information" to him and me both as a result of several months of counseling with Steve Harley.

You see my H had an affair with a friend he has known for many years. What he didn't know was that during their friendship as the years went on, the boundaries began to blur. It turned into an EA, then a PA. What he is learning now is how to prevent this type of relationship from happening again. Let me tell you...old habits are hard to break. He is finding out what starts out so innocently can cause problems in the future, and misunderstadings with the people he has these innocent relationships with.

If you really want the answers to your questions I suggest that you call Steve Harley and invest in one counseling session. He can fill you in on everything you want to know. You might save you and your wife lots of heartache down the road. With that alone the investment in the counseling is priceless. CSue

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cautious:
<strong>

If it is an EA on her part and a friendship on mine, what is the danger. She is not going to strip opff my clothes and take me to bed.

She told me she was like a favorite cousin where thery was no physical relatoinship</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then what's the problem? You don't need our approval. You are a grown man, just go have lunch with her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cautious:
<strong>I know I am not doing anything wrong. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then why are you here??????? You keep coming back again and again. Something IS wrong!

I am curious...have you told your wife about these seemingly innocent lunches??? If not...do it.

TALK TO YOUR WIFE!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cautious:
<strong>Taking what I have heard on here, I told my friend some of the things that you have brought up and this is what she has told me.
1. She feels to me like she did her favorite cousin. A connection but clearly no physical component.
2. A good work friend.
3. Says she is a good catholic and has no intention of cheating on husband.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds sooooo familiar.
Here's what the OW who had an inappropriate attachment to my husband told me:
1. She feels toward my husband like she would a long lost brother. A connection, but clearly no physical attraction.
2. Very interested in the work my husband does as a clinician.
3. She says she is a good Christian and has no intention of cheating on her husband.

Talk's cheap. Our rule is my husband has no one-on-one contact with another woman, and I have no one-on-one contact with another man. This boundary was clearly established too late for her - she crossed the line of a good Christian and decency when she initiated a conversation with my husband about our sex lives, and asked him a very very personal question about his anatomy. He didn't see it coming. YOU DON'T SEE IT COMING. But if you are a moral man, when it comes, you will feel dirty, cheap, and well-warned - and regret that you didn't heed the warnings you were given here.

It took a full year for us to extracate ourselves from that relationship - and we're physically separated by 1500 miles from the OW!!! So imagine how fun it's going to be for you to relocate your work, etc. and explain how it went too far.

I agree with others here. Go tell your wife that you're regularly dining with another woman - tell her all the details. See if you have her ENTHUSIASTIC AGREEMENT to continue with this relationship. If you are unwilling to obtain her enthusiastic agreement, you don't belong on Marriage Builders!

I'm curious...how did you end up here? I don't understand how you would have found this site. What were you searching under?

Don't let the catholic thing fool you. My H is VERY catholic, altar boy for years, writes christian music, plays the organ, is in the choir, goes to confession all the time, etc. Yet he still took my former best friend into my bed and was ready to give his religion up for her.

I may be alone here, but I'm getting a bit tired of your justifying. I'm starting to think you're making this stuff up actually

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am curious...have you told your wife about these seemingly innocent lunches??? If not...do it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">straycat,

I have looked through his various postings, and have seen where a LOT of us have asked him that.

I cannot find where he has actually answered, though. He keeps skirting the answer on whether or not he has told his wife.

Cautious, here is a challenge for you. One that is very easy to do, and will be no problem if there is nothing wrong with the lunches....

I dare you to walk up to your wife and say.....

"Honey...there is this very nice woman that I really love having lunches with."

You don't have the cojones to do that. I know it, everyone else here knows it, and most of all, YOU know it.

Why? Because it would piss her off!

If you are doing something intentionally(and you ARE) that will pi$$ your wife off, then it is wrong.

Simple as that. She deserves better than that.

You DON'T have the right to make her settle for less....

HCII

Maggierose, I still think he "ended up here" not because his brother referred him here because his brother is going through a divorce, but because he is a someone who is making up a story to bother people on here. I could be wrong, but, he just keeps coming back and saying the same things over and over and over and will not answer anyone's questions, etc. I think if you all just ignore him, he will go away. It's hard to resist, I know.

freedom4me, I get the same impression. I’m sure you know what a façade is… an architectural face to a building put on just as decoration… it generally has no supporting or useful structure.

Well the story here sounds like a façade, one that has no building behind it. There is no story here. This man has no feelings and/or life beyond these lunch meetings and “I love my life.” The story to too flat. To void. He will not, cannot give us details because they do not exist. He cannot tell a wife about this because the wife probably does not exist. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Wether it's real or not, he's not very clever and/or swift. Has a very flat thought process. This just has never really felt real.

1. She feels to me like she did her favorite cousin. A connection but clearly no physical component.
2. A good work friend.
3. Says she is a good catholic and has no intention of cheating on husband.
Do your other friends/cousins always tell you they have no physical attraction to you? Do your other friends tell you they would not cheat on their husbands with you?

I answered that it seemed like she was close to me. She said she was and would miss me if I was not at work. She said what is wrong with that?
Ask your wife that question.

So what if she misses you. She is just a friend. Who's more important, your wife or your friend? With that in mind, ANYTHING you do should be based on that.

I honestly cant say anything is worong with that. We have neer held a hand or kissed or done anything like that at all
No but you have thought about it. Obviously, because you brought it up. That is why you are here.

You are in such a dangerous place right now & cannot even see it simply because nothing physical is going on.

Why not have your wife with you when you have lunch with her? Better yet, go home today and tell your wife everything you have posted here. After all, there is nothing wrong with it & nothing has gone on between you two.

<small>[ October 04, 2002, 11:24 AM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

Grow up.