My wife(WS) wrote the following. Is any of this or all of this fog talk or not?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I am sorry that you and your Mom are struggling with what's going on with me and what I've decided to do. I never did mean to intentionally hurt anyone in the process of figuring out what I want out of life right now. I hope that one day you will be able to understand that. I really don't want to get into this too much because you and I have talked about it many times before. I do want for your Mom to know that she is always more than welcome to call me to talk as well. I will also keep in touch with her as often as I can. For now take care of yourself and I will see you in a couple of weeks.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My mom as well as myself are dealing with the death of my step-dad, my mom's husband, back in June. On top of my mom dealing with the death she is also heart broken due to my situation with my wife. My wife doesn't seem to see the pain that she is causing as a shockwave to other people. I don't think she even see's the pain that she has caused me. My wife was my mom's favorite daugher-in-law and was the closest to her. My wife is living in a bubble and is acting like she hasn't hurt anyone. With what she said in her email I am trying to figure out if this falls under the fog talk category or if this is something that I need to accept. Accept as in it is reality and I can't keep blaming things on fog talk. Has anyone heard anything similiar to this come from their WS?
One comment that sticks out to me is when she said
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I never did mean to intentionally hurt anyone in the process of figuring out what I want out of life right now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What is this? What I want out of life right "now"? I forsee this as her calling a timeout in her marriage and she wants to do something else for awhile. When she is tired of something else she is going to say time in again. However when she says time in she doesn't mind at all if her spouse is someone else.
I am looking forward to Friday so my session with MB can point me in some direction...

Yes I've heard it all almost word for word. "I never wanted to hurt you." "I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you." "I don't know what I want, why can't you understand that." "Why do I have to do the RIGHT thing."

So I guess it is fog talk. Does it still hurt? YES. Should we take it for what it means. Probably not. I think they are truthful in one thing THEY DON'T KNOW what the H*** they are doing to YOU, YOUR FAMILY, OR THEMSELVES. So yes in a way we have to accept that. But it doesn't have to discourage you. Just let it roll off. If you listen to all the stuff and take it in it will KILL you. For your own good let her babble and work on you.

Sharon

Yea, it's fog. I said the same thing. I never intended to hurt anyone and this time I was "sure". Uh huh...whatever.

I was the WS , and I said the same sorts of things. I am sorry for what you're going through.

Hang in there, the fog will lift in time. It sure did for me.

H_P

I agree. (I'm a FWW). This is "fog talk". Until she realizes that she IS hurting people, she will continue to live in this "pity party". Move on with your life as best you can right now. Don't absorb these foolish messages. She seems to be crying for attention and I don't believe she deserves it.

To those who were the WS. When you realized the pain you were causing in your BS as well as other people and the fog had lifted. Did you at that point want to make the marriage work? Or by that time was it too late to repair the damage that was done. Just was wondering the thoughts of a WS when they reach that point in time that things are clearer because the fog has lifted. Also did you see you BS as someone you still want to be with? Or was your BS someone you didn't want to be with anymore because of what you have done to them? Thanks for the advice....

I put your text through the fog-o-garble-o-mat* and this is what came out:

I want to find out what to make of my life = I'm spending the next weeks with OP
I don’t want to hurt your feelings = Whaaat? How come it hurts if I betray you, lie to you and sleep around? Can't understand that at all.
I hope one day you understand = It's all your fault as you don’t understand me

*patent pending

Some of us don't go back.

I've said similar things as your wife. And my H and I are divorcing.

I am "content" with that decision. I do not consider reconciliation. I know that this is hard on many people around me. But it is a choice I am very happy with.

I no longer live with H, and we are successful as co-parents. I am thrilled not to live with the drama and pain and anguish anymore.

Many people see the "karma" thats been heaped on me. I've experienced a great amount of loss and suffering since our separation -- I've lost my job, I'm completely broke, my house deal fell through, etc. My ex-H doesn't seem happy or vindictive or pleased with my struggles (although I supppose most of his supporters are)

But even if God is punishing me with these struggles, I would still not change my decision to leave my marriage. I don't love him, and I haven't for a long time.

Some of us don't go back.

Question #1: Fog. Definate. Said the same myself.
Question #2: Work on marriage? Hell yes. If I could have "fixed" my marriage, I wouldn't have been anywhere near those other women. That's the whole fog concept: We rationalize what we do through these complex layers of filters. I thought it was her problem causing me to leave. Then, when she'd start coming around or acting the way I thought appropriate, I'd blame myself and feel lousy and turn to others to feel good. God forbid I talk to my wife!

But remember, fog is an all encompassing thing. You, the BS, can be in a fog, as well. Only you can deterimine if the marriage is worth keeping.

I understand Lexxxy's point about the decision she's made. At some point, we can reach a "make or break" mark where we have to decide if the marriage is worth keeping or not. If not, we press on, and if we're strong enough, we make it work.

I'd have to say that for me it didn't happen quite in that order. I came to the full realization of the pain I'd actually caused my H somewhere around 6 months of seperation (a year and a half from the start of my feelings for the OM). I felt truly remourseful and began to see my part in things. But at that point I was still not ready to try again. I was remourseful for my actions and sorry that I'd chosen an A as my vessle out of the marriage, but I was still very uncertain the marriage would work if we tried again. It took some more time on my own to sort through what it was I could actually expect from marriage, what was reasonable to expect from a partner etc... When I got a little Karmic payback (found out H spent Thanksgiving with a girl and her family) the pain helped clear things up pretty quickly. I realized I did still love my H and from reading on the boards and such, I felt confidant we could obtain "in love" with a bit more work together as a couple. I guess I finally grew up and realized what commitment means and dropped the Disney view of love and marriage. Hubby and I don't have a perfect romance, we have a real one...and it's very satisfying <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Here's the fogese test:

WS: "I never did mean to intentionally hurt anyone in the process of figuring out what I want out of life right now. I hope that one day you will be able to understand that. "

Fogese version: I am going to do what I want but I will tell you what you want to hear so I can go with less guilt. I also am confused but want to make sure I have less guilt.

English version: I don't give a care about who I hurt, so just get used to it.

The test is to see the WS response when you say:
"Well reality is that you did hurt. Whether you meant it or not is immaterial. The wound is there and the hearts are bleeding. We all understand where you are coming from. Hope you figure it out also. By the way, go find my wife and ask her to come back for just a moment. I want to tell her I love her and if I never see her again, I want to give her one last hug and kiss. Make sure you bring her back and not the one that took over her identity."

This is what I did. When the WS in my life said that, it turned out to be fogese. He wanted to lessen his guilt and I said, nope there is no retun policy on the guilt. You bought it you keep it.

JMHO,
L.

She'll get down the road several years later and realize that she has hurt people trying to figure out her own life. By then, it might be too late. This is something that you might have to accept--fighting it will make her struggle against you more--hurting you more.

While she's doing what's making her happy--do what makes YOU happy.