We have been in Plan B now for a week unfortunately. After 5 months of trying to work things out I find out after 6 weeks of trying he was back with OW.(co-worker)
I am now hearing from friends that my H has been telling people when asked how he could do this to me after 30 years of marriage he says that I wasn't putting out enough in the bedroom. The OW is also telling people this and said she was just fulfilling his needs where I couldn't. I feel so degraded, humiliated and hurt right now that my H could say these things about me. He has been begging me to try again to work things out and swears they have broken it off for good. I was starting to have a little hope that maybe eventually we could get back what we once had. I don't want to give up 30 years together but this really has hurt me down deep as a woman.
Have any of you had to deal with such cruel things being said about as you are trying to believe maybe there is hope of reconciliation?
Still need to believe there is hope for a future with him but how much more can I take?

Still Confused

Still confused...
Let go of the hope of getting back what you once had...and focus on plan B...reserving what love you have left...and set your goals based not on what you once had...but what you two can have if that is what you desire....and that includes a spouse who can accept responsibility for their actions.

Plan B is to protect your love from his hurt...do not seek out information about him during this time...focus on you.....

The garbage your husband is spewing is straight from the "I am the victim WS fog talk hand book...(page 36 I think <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )...and you know who his sentiments really hurts...HIM>...any person who has half a brain especially when dealing with a thirty year marriage...can see straight through the shallowness and ridiculousness of that statement...and that type of statement doesn't even rank in the top three of invoking any type of sympathy from friends...it is the type that makes the person listening to it...roll their eyes and spit coffee across the room if they happen to be drinking at the exact time that load of crap is said...

Think for a second how stupid the OW sounds attempting to justify her actions all because of you...it is denial and insanity at its best...and this type of shallow attempt at justification are the exact behavior that help an affair die out...no body with respect and intelligence buys that type of rationalization for a second...people will not swallow and will begin to challenge them...

It can take a long time and often comes in little spurts after people have reconciled for the WS to be able to see how riduculous their behavior was during the affair...I think it is a God given defense mechanism because if they really processed all at once how much their actions and thoughts were silly and very hurtful..their heads would just about darn near explode....and what good is anyone whose head just exploded?

Plan A continues for you even in plan B that you realize this to be shallow babble and do not let it hurt...and certainly do not take it as gospel...WS hurt others easily because they are truly lost from the parts of them that do care and connect. And in the end it will hurt him more regardless of the outcome of your relationship...because no matter how many lies we tell to justify our actions deep deep down we all know the truth...and all know we are responsible for our own actions..and that no matter who it is that sleeps beside us it is us alone we face in the mirror each day ....his words may sting you...but know they do the greatest damage to his soul....

Take strength from the knowledge and freedom that you can and will face what actions you are responsible for, Have pride that you do deserve better and will not accept his shallow justifications....Continue to see his actions seperate from your feelings and build upon only those that are honorable...

Read up on plan B more if you need to...quit listening to/ asking friends...think about how powerful it could be if someone said to your husband that so and so mentioned something about you to your wife the other day..and she told them she really wasn't interested in what they had to say...or she laughed her head off and walked away...or even better yet you said something witty like..."dam...if I had only known then I could have gotten him a prostitute for Christmas that one year and not the stupid power drill...sigh...if only he has said something..." then bat your eye lashes and walk away.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

peace to you and your home.
ARK

still confused ,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I am now hearing from friends that my H has been telling people when asked how he could do this to me after 30 years
of marriage he says that I wasn't putting out enough in the bedroom. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">if you ask me, this is BS!!!!!!!!!! You must of been doing a great job for the last 30 years and now he is saying you aren't giving enough. As an experienced man, he should know that it takes 2, to have a great and fullfilling sex life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
So if he's trying to push the blame onto you, he's rediculous!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The OW is also telling people this and said she
was just fulfilling his needs where I couldn't. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, to me this is a pile of BS!!!!! She's fullfilling his needs, but for how long?
What was he doing to make your "sex life" exciting???

I'm sorry for this reaction. My H and I have been together for 27 years and we've been married for 22 years. He now understands this. He wasn't all that "dazzling" in bed and he was somehow expecting me to do the work alll the time. This really sorta turned me off!
OW jumped in and fullfilled this need he had. He was able to "lay back" and enjoy!! (he was a nut at that time)
I'm sure OW would of givin him a "swift kick in the $ss within time!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
My H was bluntly "unhonest" with me. And when he did open up, I knew what he needed and wanted. I was able to react, and believe me, I did!!!

I believe that only "uneducated" people will believe this comment of your H. "She wasn't putting enough in the bedroom!"

I also think that OW is making a fool of herself, saying things like this. She is putting herself down if you ask me. It's as if she is telling others: I have sex with him and he's happy.It's as if she knows what is the best, but you know your H for over 30 years!!!! Have confidence in yourself.
She knows nothing. Your marriage of 30 years is filled with history and experiences. Good ones and bad ones. You were connected with much more than only "sex".

You don't have to feel hurt deep down, believe me. If you have been married for 30 years, I don't believe that you have done that bad of a job!!!
It would be up to your H now to talk and say what he is missing. It is now up to him to be open and radically honest. I think truely that the fact that you have been married for 30 years is worth this!!!!!!

Please don't you dare to give up! It has worked for the both of you for a long time. Talk to your H. Do whatever you can. Believe me, your marriage can be better than it ever was.
If it's the "sex" he craves for, give it to him!!!!!!!!!!! You know the best what he needs.

I hope this doesn't sound harsch to you. I'm really trying to help. I also didn't want to give up my marriage of 20 years. It was my life. It's just now that my life has gotten better than ever and my H and I are enjoying it so much. We never thought that this could be possible, but it is.

Keep your head up high and go for it!!! Bring out the "best" of yourself, you can make it!!!!!
hugs
bb

"My wife of 30 years was not *putting out enough* in the bedroom, and that's why I left her." ....

possible translations ...

>husband is not sexually experimental
>husband does not know how to create bedroom excitement
>husband is inept when it comes to discussing sexual issues
>husband is not understanding of women's sexual differences
>husband has performance issues
>husband cannot cope with his ageing
>husband does not comprehend the tides of long term relationships
>husband is afraid he is *losing his touch*
>husband has fears of dying
>husband has a shallow understanding of sexual / sensual nature of females

This has MLC written all over it.

My advice FOR YOU (and, I am dead serious about what I am about to say .... so hold onto your hat, it you're wearing one) .... Go get some erotica books and a self pleasuring toy. Buy some sexy stuff to wear. Begin a sensual journey of your own. Locate your areas of strength and weakness. Challenge yourself to look at your taboos and perhaps push your sexual boundaries a bit. Turn yourself on. Explore your body and your senses.

Trust me. You can make his ugly remark a challenge and experience your sexuality at a new level you never knew you had.

What he said may be HIS reality within HIS mind (for whatever reasons) ... but ...BUT DO NOT ADOPT HIS WORDS AS YOUR REALITY

Go sexy.

Pepper. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Thank you everyone for your replys and advice. I love this forum and I love all of you for help when I need it most. You are so right on the $ that I really need to quit listening to everyones advice and comments and focus on myself and what I want to happen, not what they think I should do. It just makes things worse and makes the hurt deeper. I really do love him with all my heart so I will just keep on praying that someday we can rebuild a new life together. If it takes 6 months or 5 years, I will always keep my hopes alive that I am the only one he truly loves and wishes to spend the rest of his life with.
Thanks again...I feel better already

SC,

I feel sorry for you and know just how you feel. We've got 32 years of M. One of the indications I had of an A going on was that in the bed she started doing things I have always wanted her, us, to do and she didn't. Suddenly it was happening and done right, without our experimenting and learning it together! Degraded, humiliated, there are no stronger words to express the feeling.

The comments given on this thread are right on the $. His current reality does not, and should not, have to be your reality. Whatever is in his mind to let him think this is the reason for causing such hurt, comes from the past and can not be undone...you can lament it ( a waste of effort) or learn from it (don't dwell) and move on. (Go Sexy, not to compete with OW, but for you)

His, their, comments are truely petty. It is good to see you last post. Stay true to yourself and what you want (the M) Steve H. told me once, stay focused.

Stay focused, your worth it...

DRS

Boy, Pepper,

Your are RIGHT ON. I heard some of the same. I know it wasn't that bad, I know cus I looked in COSMOPOLITAN. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Confused, don't feel bad. This is an area EVERYBODY can improve in. And it's fun. How many things can you say that about? Take pepper's advice. I have also been married a long time. It changes, but you are a new person now. Show it everywhere. NOT just the bedroom. But I think the new you will rub off there too.

Sharon