Hello all, I am fairly new to this, so please forgive me. I just recently got married myself and no problems with my own marriage <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , however I need some advice on a friend. My friend, who also happens to be my boss, is cheating on his wife of 25+ years. She is a wonderful lady, and they have 3 beautiful children. I am not supposed to know about the affair, but I have someone that confides in me that knows the whole story. My boss doesn't seem to care about his business anymore, let alone his wife and kids. This is affecting my job, and my life as I am very close to both he and his wife, and don't know if it is my place to open up a can of worms, but I feel terrible for her. He leaves for hours, days, and sometimes a week at a time, and he is not really pulling his weight around the office. It is a very small place, and therefore everyone is being affected by his absence. I have started hating going to work everyday, to a job that I used to love, and a boss that I used to respect. I see him in a whole new light now, and don't know what to do about it. I hate answering the phone when he isn't there, because I don't know what to tell his wife when she asks me where he is, and I know that he is with the girlfriend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> When he is there, he is making mistakes doing everyday things that he has done for the last ten years or more, because his mind is always elsewhere, and I am always the one that has to pick up the slack when everything falls apart. Please give me some advice if you can, as my husband is tired of hearing about it. Thank you all for listening. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ October 14, 2002, 11:20 PM: Message edited by: BabySstr ]</small>

BabySstr,

Hello, sorry you are in such a situation. It is sad that an A can effect the entire circle of friends, family, and work of those in the fog. I'm sorry about your disilusionment of your previously trustworthy friend/boss. Your are in a postition to learn a lot good, and unfortunately, bad. I have been a supervisor of up to 100 or so people and have seen good performance come and go and come again.

You can not change anyone but you, so revealing all would only pin you as the bad person trying to manipulate and poke your nose where it doesn't belong. I have a sense you already feel this.

IHMO, your best plan is to stay professional, and focus on the lack of job perfromance, and the job environment. If he is the boss and owner he is meddeling in destroying the company and the jobs of many. Can you find a different job? You may have to anyway.

Your uneasiness of lying for him will eat at you till you feel more and more guilty about compromising your own integrity and selfworth, is this boss/friend worth the loss of YOU, I think not. Again, you already know this. To distance yourself from all of this, realize you are working with an Addict (yes, just like a real drug or alcohol addict) and you are not trained nor in the position to really do anything about it, except maybe protect yourself and your perhaps your coworkers (do your coworkers see what is happening?)

Maybe some others on the MB can provide a source of informattion about "enabling" or how not to lie for or make excuses for the WS to enable the A. From the little I have read, and more on a practical note, let him know you will answer questions about his where abouts truthfully, will not embelish. You might ask him, "when people call, what do I tell them?" and when people do call, relate his answer, if they have any further questions, say you have no further knowledge other than what he told you to say. If he flat out asks you lie for him, tell him you will not, because it is unprofessional, and there is not and should not be a need to lie in the first place. All of this is only temporary.

Ultimately you wil lhave to decide if you want to continue working in that type of environment, it is a hostile working environment. Consider, if he is cheating on his W with someone else, will he ever want to cheat with you?

In talking with your H about this, remember that many men what to fix what is wrong and make their wifes feel good about them because they fixed it. He can't fix what is troubleing you and may feel frustrated about the whole thing. Let your H know you know he can't do anything about another man's troubles, but it helps you with your being troubled when he jusst listens to you and does not try to solve it for you. (This is a Mars and Venus type of communication)

If you stay there, focus on your boss's mistakes and lowered job performance. Try not to educated him beyond what is happening in the work place because of his work errors and absence. Keep it professional. His private life is affecting the work but you can only deal with the work aspect.

Just some humble thoughts, you rightly feel you are caught in the middle, wanting to keep the job environment you had and not hurt anyone's feelings to get it back. He has become an addict and will, knowingly or unknowingly, want more and more from you to cover for him...decide where your integrity is (not neccessarily easy, its easier to let it slip just to "get along" or not rock the boat). Consider getting out if you can, his affair world will crash and he may take his whole company with him....

Stay here on the MB, I know there are others who have been in this situation. Read some of the MB concepts about affairs, it can help you understand why he is acting like an addict.

Good luck, your in a situation people don't want to be in, but you can overcome it and still feel good about yourself for doing the right thing.

DRS

You stated that not only is this person your boss but that he is your friend. That alone would prompt me to talk to him about it. Tell him that you notice things are not the same around the office. That somethings are getting left undone and that you fear that you might be in jeopardy of losing your job if it continues. Also tell him that you have discovered about his extracurricular activites and that you think that this might be the problem. He might be so caught up in the affair that he is blind to the other stuff and he needs to be told. You might be risking your job to tell him, but it sounds like it might be only a matter of time before he loses the business and you are out of a job anyways. You could tell him that you are talking to him about it on a "friend" level and not an employee so that he knows that you have his best interest at heart. Just because you are not supposed to know about it does not negate the fact that you do. Be a friend and tell him.

As Always, JMHO
committed

<small>[ October 15, 2002, 10:54 AM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>

In speaking with the Harleys about this specific topic, they firmly believe that an A should be exposed and not enabled. Now, you are in a difficult position because you are your bosses friend and employee.

If you truly believe that this is affecting his performance I believe the Harleys would tell you that a short letter to his supervisor indicating that bosses performance is suffering and the whole company is suffering as a result of a relationship occurring in the office is ok.

I guess I would ask if you think this would help in the long run or whether you think it will make it worse in the long run (obviously it will make things much worse in the short term, but we need to be thinking bigger picture here). I suppose the first step would be to tell your boss that you have noticed his performance slipping and that you are uncomfortable being put in the position of lying. But, that you also care for him as a person and are concerned about his future and that maybe he doesn't see what this is doing. Be prepared for big time denial.

I guess that is the normal human thing to want to do -- give them the opportunity to fix it first. My only caution here is that if the lying and denial are so big and clouding judgment, going first to the boss may backfire on you with no action by the company that fixes the situation. I think that is why the Harley's would suggest the simple (even anonymous I guess) letter to the supervisor. Let it be their problem and let them check into it. This shouldn't ultimately be your problem.

This is what happened in the case of my WH. Apparently, an employee sent a letter stating that the A was causing problems (I learned of this second hand through my boss). I don't know what effect it will have, but it's certainly having a bigger effect than all of the conversations friends and employees had with him telling him that he was creating problems, damaging his career, etc. When you are an addict, it is difficult to see or even acknowledge that you are creating problems at home or work.

I once workrd in an office where there was infidelity going on. The guilty persons where not aware of my knowledge of their affair. One of the spouses was very suspicious and would try to question me. I remained proffessional and kept the knowledge of the affair to myself although I was tempted at times to confront them.

After time the results of their affair were catostrophic. Their marriages broke up and they also broke up and the woman got into a car accident due to drinking and has a perminant head injury and is no longer the same person. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Sometimes personal integrity must out weigh the act of proffessionalism or we are no longer decent human beings.

I look back and regret very much "remaining proffessional".

Thank you for responding. I just want to clear up a few things. First of all, I love the suggestion from unsureheart about a letter to the supervisor, and letting them handle it. My situation is a little more difficult than that. Unfortunataly this "boss/friend" is the OWNER of the company. It is a small family owned and operated business, with him (my boss) and 3-5 other guys that are all related except for one. The one that is not related is a very good friend of my boss also, and he is well aware of the entire situation, and very nervous as well that the entire business is suffering. It is very hard to approach your boss/business owner that he isn't doing his OWN job, because obviously that could result in him telling me to mind my own business, or even worse, perhaps being fired. I have always loved my job, and I have been with him now for over 6 years, and I don't want to lose my job. I have thought about anonymously sending a letter to his wife to tell her of the situation, because I really believe that she has no idea abuot what is going on. Since he has been spending ridiculous amounts of money on this girlfriend, he has been overly concerned about money. On several occasions, he has even told me to cancel calling in payroll as he did not have the money in the account to cover it. He has always paid me in full, and on time, but naturally the lack of money in the account worries me. If you have any more insight in light of this, please respond. Thank you all for listening. ~BabySstr~

<strong>Since he has been spending ridiculous amounts of money on this girlfriend, he has been overly concerned about money. On several occasions, he has even told me to cancel calling in payroll as he did not have the money in the account to cover it. He has always paid me in full, and on time, but naturally the lack of money in the account worries me.</strong>

This says it all. You should find a new job. Regardless of what you choose to do about the A, your job is already in jeopardy.

You are in a dangerous situation. One, I would send a letter to all of them, including him, that you believe you can no longer ignore the fact that the company is being jeopardized (make it anonymous or not). They may be his friend, but certainly aren't going to let their livelihoods go down the toilet. Two, anonymous letter to wife just letting her know that something is going on/she should be suspicious.

I know this sounds harsh, but your integrity and your job are at stake (to say nothing of everyone else in the company). Are there others that feel this way in the company? Are others aware that financial problems are on the horizon partially due to this A?

I know you're in a tough spot, but really, start looking for another job RIGHT now plus do those other things when you line one up. Get the heck out of there, but don't just leave, you need to expose this for the sake of the other families involved both emotionally and financially.

I guess you could try talking to the other owners that are related and tell them that you are concerned and why.

This whole thing just makes me angry because people act (not you/other people in these situations) like they should just mind their own business and not get involved. Affairs do damage and when it's in the workplace you can bet your booty that it's having a negative effect on either the mood/morale of the place or the financial management or both.

I know you're in a rough spot and it would be hard to take my advice. I don't know your financial situtation, but I would look now for another job for your own long-term mental and financial health.

As a WS, my H ignored all well meaning advice that was given him during his A. However, looking back he sees that he should have believed the advice and acted upon it. Instead he thought he was in control of where his "friendship" with a female worker was going and that he would always make the "right" decision regardless of how tempting the situation became. He sees now how wrong he was. I said that to say this, any advice you give your boss, any well meaning comment, etc. will not be heeded or appreciated, however, somewhere down the line he may have a profound appreciation for your honesty and care. It just won't be while he's still entangled in the A. Also, having an "I told you so" attitude will not help matters at all, so be sure that if you go to him as a friend that you'll be able to react properly to events further down the road.

Now, as the BS, I did feel somewhat betrayed by my H's coworkers for not trying to alert me in some fashion to the A. I did not expect them to spill the entire can of beans, but a little comment such as, "Your H and OW sure seem to have become good friends" would have been sufficient to have clued me in to the fact that what he was telling me and what he was actually doing might be two different things. Even if I had tried to interrogate someone who made such a comment, they could have shrugged their shoulders and just let the comment stand alone. If the wife is known to you at all, and you feel any need to be loyal to her, this is going to eat at you until you take measures to let her know. I don't recommend spilling the entire can of beans though. Remember, your knowledge is second hand, at best. See if you can come up with a generic comment that might get her curiosity up where she starts digging on her own. You probably shouldn't become her spy for your job's sake. Instead how about "Why don't you ever go with your H on business trips?", might be a place to start. You think she doesn't have a clue, but she probably DOES suspect something isn't right. Also be aware that she may know all about it, and may be content to let it ride its course. (You never know). Does she ever discuss the business finances with you? If it were appropriate in your situation, you might mention that certain expense accounts were way over budget, or that some credit card balances were excessive. Down the line you may have to defend yourself for NOT telling her something. You can always state that you didn't know for sure, but she'll want to know why you didn't express your suspicions to her. Let your consious decide just how much guilt you want to shoulder for enabling.

I think you should find some way to tell the wife. Either as stated above, or by anonymous letter if you fear repercussions.

BabySstr,

He, the company, has not had funds for payroll because of his spending it on his OW? Is he secretly, inappropriately taking money, company money, and it is being spent elsewhere, isn't this embezzlement? How much of this do you want to be a part of?? In the affair the WS is cheating on the BS, but here the boss is cheating on everyone!!

A tuff situation to say the least, but now it seems what is happening to the wife is secondary to the well being of the company and the incomes and lives of the other employees. All of you are innocent people but will suffer the consequences.....

To save the company, and the marriage, the boss must leave it in the hands of a manager, or the boss's addiction must stop. I'm sorry, IMHO there is no other way but to remove the addiction from the workplace, and because he is the owner, hope the company can go on without him and his work.

Good luck, it is good you are researching what to do best,

Best wishes DRS

In response to Desertrestart.... Yes he has been spending his own "cushion" out of the company account. The girlfriend has quit her job and my boss is paying for her apartment, where I assume he spends a lot of his time. He has also bought her a brand new car, and takes vacations sometimes for a week at a time, stays in luxury resorts that cost thousands of dollars. I don't know if you could really call this embezzlement since it is HIS company, and HIS money, but it still concerns me as well as others. Just wanted to fill you in on the money issue. Thank you for responding. BabySstr

If it is a public company that has to answer to its shareholders you could have some say in the matter; you could possibly "whistleblow". But since it is his own company, it is his business to run, sell or crash it as he pleases. You have no say in the matter, and any attempts at interfering is likely to come out and bite you back. You options are to stick with it or, if you feel the company will crash, apply for other jobs while the going is good. I guess you could try asking for a raise to compensate for the increase in responsibilities.

Hi,

I have often wondered about the "owner" of a company and if all of the company's money is really theirs or the company's. I think the IRS requires the owner's to have two separate accounts, business and personal. To what extent the owner can transfer business to personal I don't know, but it is then owner's income. Well, it all comes to how the company is structured. Public or not, incorporated or not, etc. the accountant would know.IMHO.

In any rate, the employees are trusting him to do right by the company and them, you too! If he is putting the company in jeporady by using the cushion $ then....he is still "cheating" on every one anyway.....by removing resources meant for business and using it for non business reasons. This is not the same and saying the business has made $ and now me (owner) will use it personally to by a boat or a house. Is it public knowledge the $ is being taken and used? Would knowledge of this instill confidence by the employees in the future of the Company?? These type of questions would be there if the $s went for an OW or a set of golf clubs...It seems to me, his $ or not, if I knew the boss was spending my paycheck on trying to please an OW, his money or not, I would tend to get upset and start to loose trust.

I posed the question of embezzlement to alert you to start thinking about your being caught up in some illegal activity he does. Your position may be far more dangerous to you than just knowing about his affair.....

You will of course know best because you are there and can see you whole situation, I can not. What the others have said about in one form or another, getting his actions to stop befroe the company, friendships, and family go away angry, are from experiences.

You know you will have to decide something sooner or later.....

Hope the best for you and your co-workers

Good luck, DRS

If the company is a corporation then it is a 3rd party person, then the money belongs to the company. And even then, he can spend it as he choses, it is included in his income. As a corporation, the income earned belongs to the company, the company owns the assets and liabilities.

If the company is not a corporation, then all the money is his along with all the liabilitities and assets.

Does this make sense. I know it gets more complicated than this. But this is the simplified version.