Ok gang, one of two posts today. This one is all about questions.

1.) Oct. 14 was 3 months post D-Day. As I've described in other posts, FWS is in a kind of weird semi-connected state I attribute to some LBing on my part with a mix of angst, anger, withdrawal and inability to be vulnerable mixed in. We are loving, but she can also be terribly distant. My question: Is this normal? Is this one of those "phases" she's going through?

2.) Part of the weirdness -- She talks about houses and school and future plans and so forth, almost like nothing happened, but there is still this disconnection. Again, part of the drill?

3.) My taker is trying to gain control of the ship. It's getting pretty dicey in there. I know right now there is no way she's going to be able to quell her taker to provide my needs. What do I do?

4.) Any of you have any brilliant ideas for getting this crap off your mind long enough to do your job effectively? She seems to. Works, comes home, talks about work, talks about kids, talks about general nice stuff, will occassionally venture into mild OR talk... thoughts?

Thanks gang. On to the other post!

feeling especially needy today, so bump!

Hi Chorus,

I'm feeling the same right now. These stupid "triggers". <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
My H is doing everything right, but I feel so "hurt" at the moment.

I wish I could give you advice, but I guess not today. I guess some days are just difficult.
Hope this doesn't make you feel worse than you feel already, I just wanted to say: I think this will get better.
take care of yourself
bb

1. Yes, it's normal. And more likely due to withdrawl. 3 months isn't all that long.

2. LOL, that's weird? Well, I guess I was weird too then, cause I was even picking out things for "our" house as I was on the way out the door. I attribute that strangeness to the fact that in order for a WS to keep all their balls in the air, they basically create two seperate lives in their head. One is the normal day to day life they're used to living...it's easy to operate around in this life because they just go through the same motions they always have...then they integrate the second life. The problem is that they think about the other life constantly, and it does both wear them down and interfere.

3. Oooh, do you want to be married? Her taker is on major overload right now and if you demand, insist, plead or otherwise for your needs to be fulfilled...you won't make progress. I admit I don't know your story...but if your like the norm then our situation was probly not much different. I felt like I gave and gave for years without getting many of my needs met. So when my taker finally stood up and decided to be noticed....it wasn't a pretty site. Thing is, I felt entitled since I had been neglected for so long. I think that's how most WS's at that point feel. They're tired of getting the shaft, so they decide their needs are the only ones they're going to worry about. Don't worry about whether or not it makes sense, a WS is thinking primarily based on emotion...reason and fairness don't play in to it much.

4. She seems to? Well, don't kid yourself. It's haunting her 24-7. The fact that she talks about other things only means that she's continuing to maintain a daily life. It's going to be tough for a while...there's no changing that. I know it sucks...I know it's not fair...but if you come to accept that this has happend and that it isn't going to go away and be all better any time soon...you might find some peace. Many have found that short term antidepressants have helped too.

Boy you guys, you're just full of cheer today! lol...
H4F -- again, sure you're not my wife? Ok, here's a ponderable: How much does my reaction to her A affect her mood? Make sense? In other words, if I accept (which I'm trying desperately to do, and in very small steps getting there), then does that ease her transisiton back to Planet Home where we can get serious about this stuff? I realize it's patience, time and care, but guys are all about plans, deadlines and other stuff.
Thoughts?

PS -- Posting another similar thread later. Keep an eye out. I'm on a buzz right now, so I'm just dumping on you folks today. Sorry! lol...

Are you and your W in MC? I can't remember if you stated in another thread if you were or not. If not then seriously consider it. An objective, professional third party can make all the difference in the world!

Hey bro. Three months?! Three months is nothing!

I was gonna try to be gentle here, but, I think you can handle this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I will just observe by the level and intensity of your posts that you are really working hard at this. (THIS IS GOOD!) Which reminds me of *me* in the early months. I worked so dang hard at everything, it required very little of my W. At some point, maybe it was about D-day + 3 months, I realized that the ship stopped leaking and I could stop bailing (horrible analogy, sorry).

Maybe you need to back off a little. I'm not saying quit. I'm just saying, no matter how hard you work, the dust still takes however long it takes to settle. And your W needs to have a chance to stand on her feet. It's a period of re-discovery for your R. It's very important.

I am the original "Mr. Fix-it." If it's broke, I can fix it. If it's not broke, I might try to fix it anyway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I fear that you are trying to fix it. Three months is nothing! It's a long, long, race. Pace yourself.

Take a breather, let the dust settle a little, and try to re-discover. DO SOMETHING FUN. The intensity of recover tends to suck the fun out of life. When you were dating, you did fun things, right? Think of it like that...you are dating again. Settle for a nice fun evening together, even if there is no "important" discussion. You guys have the next, what, 50 years together to talk. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

MGM -- Yes, no, maybe. Ok, basically, we have been to counselors in the past. I started seeing one here to get a handle on why I'm such a spaz about things. He helped. His words were very comforting and clear and pro-marriage. She went to a meeting with me. She agreed in principal with his thoughts, etc., but really got little out of the meeting. She has said she will go to MC with me, but we are at a point, as Riff pointed out, where the dust needs to settle (largely because every time it does settle, I come along and do the hokey pokey and stir it up.) Once she reaches a level ground emotionally, we'll revisit the idea of going to a counselor together. In the meantime, IC and I have agreed that I have a tool box full of shiny news tools, and now must use them to fix me. So I'll check in with him in a month or so, or perhaps post-holidays.

Riff -- Yeah, I know. It's the BFO -- blinding flash of the obvious -- that I keep seeing, only I think it's the Marfa lights or something out of the X Files. But, I hit this point you're talking about last night, largely because she's being so very nice and even tossing a few pennies in the ol' bank. So I have a reserve of strength built up. See thread "The Sabbatical Diaries, Chap. 1" and stay tuned for the contining thrilling adventures of Mr. and Mrs. Chorus. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hey Chorus,

I'm getting to be a bit of an old-timer although I almost always post in Recovery, I was drawn to your post by many similarities.

1) 3 months is still pretty "new". My FWS was pretty wierd at that point.

2) If the A is truly over, this is probably just her way of creating normalcy. As difficult as it is, try and imagine how hard it would be for you to face what you had done and talk about it. Most WS's that I've read about here really do just want to shove it under the carpet.

3) Maybe you can get that taker under control by trying to relax and backing off a bit. Seems like you have another post to this effect. Seems like a good idea to me.

4) If she's like Jane, she has it so bottled up right now, it takes a lot to find it. I found that the only times during the 1st year she would say much about it were in the very beginning (couple days after) and when I was out of control emotionally. This was something I resented. She knew (I thought) that I needed to talk about it, but she would not unless I was falling apart.

Getting it out of your head is something that is gonna take some time. I got so tired of being told "patience" and "it takes time"!! But its true. You've been dealt an awful blow, and it takes a LONG time to heal. We are 21 months into recovery, and I still deal with it.

There seems to be a point at around 6 months when things get really hard, but then you break through and you notice a real difference. In the meantime, you should expect gradual improvement.

If you want to get some idea of where you W's head is, there was a woman (username SKM) that posted something called the SKM Chronicles. She was probably the single most important person here to my recovery, and she has shared SO much with both WS and BS alike. Here's the link SKM Chronicles

Your current situation is such a deja vu for me. I can remember being about 3 or 4 months past her recomittment to us and being right where you are. My giver had been going at about Warp 11 (Scottie, I need more power! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )! I was doing EVERYTHING around the house and had been. I was writing her little love notes, buying her gifts, writing her (or plagarizing) poetry, doing most of the child care, bringing home flowers..... It was absolutely astounding that her Love Bank didn't explode! It was like I had no way to stop.

Then I woke up one day and realized that I was out of control. I couldn't keep this level going forever. Taker wasn't rearing his head too bad at that point (not too long after though). Real life was not and would not be like this. As I began to back off (a little fearfully), my life began to improve and I think her's did too. She was back, and there was no real danger of her going back to OM. I did need to be taking care of her EN's, and I still did that, but more in the context of "normal living" (whatever that is).

I was able to start involving myself in things that I had not since I found out about the A. I suddenly remembered (DUH!) that I needed to take care of myself too. A rested and relaxed Bill was far better able to care for Jane. I think this let Jane relax a little too. Normal life (with a lot of the improvements we had made) wasn't so bad after all.

Sure, I still ran into some nasty triggers and had a few more of those horrible times, but this was the point where our recovery really began to move forward. I guess it was like getting out of crisis mode. Maybe we're all alike, but when I'm in crisis mode, I'm going from one thing to the next at a dizzying pace. It was a real relief to get out of 6 months (3 months of knowledge of A then 3 or 4 after) of that!!

Sorry for the length. It does get better!

<small>[ October 16, 2002, 12:19 PM: Message edited by: Bill Uphill ]</small>

Bill --
Oh GOD! You mean there's a 6 month breakdown coming! lol...
Seriously though, I see the wisdom in ALL you say. And I gotta tell ya, it's nice to hear from people so long in recovery. You, Twyla, Riff, and so many others give me strength.

PS -- Please tell me you eventually quit referring to yourself as "recovering" and start saying "happily married?"

There was a minor breakdown for me. There was a post running around well over a year ago to that effect. Seems like Oswald was involved in it too. It really took me by surprise! Here's hopin' it'll pass you by....

I appreciate the compliment. I think I'll tell my wife that I'm wise and see how long it takes to get her to stop laughing!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I continue to post occasionally because of the old-timers that did it for me. There was something VERY comforting about seeing that others had been where I was and had made it through succesfully.

I think you do eventually consider yourself recovered. I've seen several "older-timers" posting to that effect. I'm not quite there, although I do think I'm getting pretty close. You keep hearing the "2 year" recovery timeframe, and it looks like that'll be pretty accurate for me.

I had a bit of a flashback a couple of weeks ago when I could not reach my wife. She was not answering her cell phone, no one was answering the phone where she was supposed to be, she had been there FAR longer than she told me, and she was supposed to be picking up our daughter. The only thing I could think of was.... Well, you know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . Anyway, it turned out to be easily explainable, she just should have called me.

You're gonna get there man.

I think the best thing a BS can do is to focus on themselves and their life as an individual. I don't mean that you should do everything independantly...just that if you're capable of operating independantly the WS won't feel the pressure to perform for you. Hmm...that's kind of vague.

A WS is in a huge taker mode....they want someone to rush in and fill all their needs, without any expectations back. I know it's unrealistic, but it's a state of mind...generally not permanent. Basically they are on overload and don't feel like they have much to give. If you mope or demand or tiptoe around them, they feel the guilt and feel like they have to put on a happy face. That just leads to more resentment and fatigue. Nothing like feeding the fog. But if you gain strength, and are fun and comfortable to be around...they'll begin to relax and hopefully open up and enjoy your company again.

My husband is now my best friend. We weren't all that close as friends before all this happend...I had a husband and I had friends. But now he's my best friend. He wouldn't be if I didn't feel like I could open up to him. Before all of this I never felt like we were on the same page....we had somewhat seperate lives. Now we integrate more. I know you aren't at that stage yet...but you can get there.

I don't mean to just put on a happy face....I mean learn new skills at being a strong person with a LIFE! I think that's really the point of Plan A. To strengthen yourself, no matter what the WS dishes out.