I spoke with Steve H. back on 10/11 and he said come out of Plan B and start back on Plan A with my wife(WS). I asked my wife if she could spare a few minutes some time this week because I would like to see her and see how she is doing. She was very hesitant about meeting because she kept asking why are we meeting, is there something specifically I wanted to discuss. One reason I wanted to meet was to see if she would talk with Steve H. but I didn’t tell her that. I also just wanted to see her and see how she is doing. So we met up at Bennigan’s and I treated my wife to dinner. The conversation was all about work, and other non-relationship things. I was happy that I got to see my wife since I haven’t seen her in about three weeks. My wife did ask if I was seeing are old counselor and I said no because I didn’t think that counselor was a very good “marriage” counselor. I felt the counselor was there for her own business and not for us. I told her I found out about Steve H. and that he is a very good counselor. I told her that I spoke with him and that he has a real good outlook on things. I tried selling my wife on talking to him because Steve suggested I do that. My wife seemed interested but when she was asking what he cost I told her his rate. Keep in mind my wife is very short on money and she doesn’t have that much extra cash these days. I told her that if she wanted to talk to Steve that I would pay for her first session. My wife sat for a moment and then said no I don’t want you spending your money on me. She said I should spend that money for another session for me. I told her to think about it. Is this the through process of the WS that they feel guilty for what they have done and they refuse any help from their spouse? Did she turn it down because she doesn’t want to talk about the situation anymore?
My wife is getting a cold and when I went to pay she joked and said I have no money. I know she doesn’t have any money and she puts just about everything on her credit card. I gave her $20 and told her to get some medicine from the store to help her with her cold. She refused it for a while but I told her to take it. At the end she said I just don’t want to hear you holding this $20 over my head down the road. My wife has promised to pay me $300 towards mortgage and half of the gym membership since moving out. You guessed it I haven’t seen a dime. I don’t say anything more about the money now because I am trying to Plan A the best I can for round two.
Here is the big question, when do I try to contact my wife again? I don’t want to seem like I am jumping all over her but do want her to know I am still around. Do I give her a day to two and then send her an email or call her to see how she is doing? I was going to give her a picture frame that I bought for her with some pictures last night but I didn’t have time to put the pictures in it. Do I try to meet her for a few minutes to give her the picture frame? I need to know how much to try attempting contact without pushing it over board? Any suggestions? One odd thing is my wife told me she didn’t feel comfortable with me meeting her at her place that is why we went to Bennigan’s. Any thoughts on why she said this?
I think I did ok and didn’t do an LB by any relationship talk during the dinner. I did give her an extra bottle of Nyquil that I had from the house as well as some cough drops when she was leaving. Hopefully she does appreciate that I still care.

Anyone???

CG,

Sounds like you've done very well. One question I have; is the A still on-going? CSue

CG,

I have the same question as well, is the A still going on??

As for meeting at a "safe" place, this is probably because she knows she will have too many emotional connections if you meet her at "home", right now she is trying to avoid those feelings, run away from them, thinking they will go away.

Also, she knows that the likelihood of heavy relationship talk at a public place will be lower.

As for contacting her...I wouldn't do the picture frame. If she wasn't sick, I would definitely wait about 3 days or so, you don't want to appear too needy.
How is she when she is sick? Would she rather be left alone or does she liked to be taken care of and pampered??

If she is one that likes to be taken care of, this might be to your advantage to deposit some love units into that bank of hers. Does she like bubble baths, lotions, and stuff? I know when I'm sick, I love to take a nice hot bubble bath to help clear myself up.

Maybe you could go get one of those gift baskets at Bath & Body Works with one of her favorite scents (if you don't know, vanilla is always safe), and take her some soup. If not homemade, at least the good stuff, or from a restaurant. Get her some OJ and a 2Liter of Sprite as well.

Basically, make her a sick persons care package, drop it by to her, but don't stick around waiting for anything. Let her enjoy it and remember what you did, then back off, she will remember how sweet this was!!

I like GC's idea of something from Bath & Body works. My W loves that stuff. Don't they have a bubble bath (they probably call it something more sophisticated than that, but...) that has menthol for when you have a cold? Maybe with a VERY low key note saying; "It was nice having dinner with you.....".

Seems like you need to be thoughtful, but careful. It was so easy to push my FWS away back then. Don't overdo.

they do have some new Aromatherapy products that are nice. Personally, I would not get menthol, that's just my preference, I wouldn't want to smell like that!! But they may have a candle with menthol in it??

I am all for the little care package, they seem to do wonders! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> good luck, everyone likes to be treated specail... and perhpas she will say oh look what h did, om, did nothing?

good luck, honey

i know at one time, I had written h lots of letters, etc. telling him how much I cared, and he told me ow never did any such thing - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

hugs, H

To the best of my knowledge the affair ended back in November (2001). However she had to work with him until the end of December. He moved back to Michigan to where they (wife and otherman) all went to college. They didn't know each other when my wife was in school. The odd part is my wife has been going up to Michigan off an on to visit other friends the past few months. Kind of strange to me that she would even put herself close to the same town as the other man. Plus I am sure she knows that bugs the hell out of me but then again what does she really care. I think this is my head playing tricks on me thinking something other then she was visiting friends but all I can say is the best I know it is all over since last November/December.
I will think about something along the line of some type of care package kind of thing. The problem is getting it to her without me having to get in contact with her and making a big deal out of it. She will avoid me if I pick up the phone and I say I will be around your place mind if I stop by for a few minutes to drop something off. The excuses will fly, oh, well I won't be home, etc..... Anyone want to give it to her for me. That might work better...lol

Hi...i wanted to comment on your first post on this thread.

I got my H to call Steve by using this line: I'm talking to him to work on me (not us). He'd like to talk to you to and get your feedback and insight in order to help him to help me.

As for the financial end, I told H that his appt could piggyback onto mine, (since it was for my benefit) and would be free to him. Then I called the MB office and said if he called to make an appointment, to not bring up the subject of money, and just put it on my credit card. This worked out fine, and H got to talk to Steve. After one conversation with the guy, even my WH had to admit he was a positive counselor and MUCH MUCH better than the local guy we had been seeing before separation. Unfortunately he's in serious fogmania right now and probably won't call again, but I'm still holding out hope!