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#1034 08/12/99 10:05 AM
Joined: Aug 1999
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DJB Offline OP
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We have been married for 8 yrs and a total of fourteen yrs together. We have three wonderful children (18,6,4) they are the best aprt of me. My wife three months ago told me she doesn't think she "Loves " me anymore and has felt this way for awhile. She says that she has been unhappy for awile now. When she told me this I was crushed! My career was falling apart at the time also. I didn't have anywhere to go to seek peace. So I keep trying to talk with her about why is she doing this to us? And that just made her nuts. I just couldn,t help myself, I just felt I can't let my family fall apart. I have always Loved her with all my heart, but yes I was guilty at times of not showing her enough. I moved out for awhile and when I did she tried to withdrawl her retirement money witout telling me and when I found out she told me it was none of my business. So I had to get an att't to stop this and he did. This only made her more furious. I then moved back and still couldn,t leave her alone. She was staying out late at night and then telliing me it was none of my business what she was doing and it drove me insane. I then started to listen to others, and they said that she is not behaving like a married women shaoul and she was probably involved. This made me think and I then made a mistake and tape recorded her phone calls and found out that she confessed to my sister-in law that she had sex with this man, and she supported her in saying that she is not a "Bad Mother" because she didn,t do this in front of the kids. Nice person huh! This has killed me in everyway I have so much pain that at times I can't stand being alive, it hurts that much!When i confronted her @ first that night she seemed to feel bad and said that she never intended for me to find out, but then the next day she become all defensive and started to rationalize to me after she must have talked to someone about it. She said that in her eyes that the marriage was over and thet I filed for the divorce. She knows that I just did that to stop her from taking all the money from the kids and me, but it is no use. She then had a court order to remove me from the house. Because I told her I felt like strangeling her,but I would never do that. Then after I agreed to the order because I thought that I was recieving 50/50 physical custody so I agreed. Because I wanted to do what was best for my kids. Then I had my children one weekend and my W didn,t leave any clothed for them, so I had to wash the same clothes for two days for them to wear. I then got in touch with her, and she said that I could come over and get the clothes.I then let the kids go in a give her a kiss good-night and then as we were getting ready to leave she said that they are to stay there. When I went to leave with them she stood in front of the door, I then did something that i will regret until I die, I grabbed and pushed her out of the way, this happened a couple times. I didn,t hit her but my heart aches soo, soo much that I was able to do that to her. I am so confussed. She refuse to go to counselling,because she doesnt think ther is anything wrong with her and the kids will be okay!We only went to counselling 1 time 2yrs ago and she said that it helped but has never told me until two mths ago that we should of keep going but don't know she didn,t say anything. I now have the ability to get her to go three times through the courts and I feel this will be my only hope to get through to her. Please adv what I should do, I have tried to have ny family tlk to her,nothing works. I feel so helpless! I don't know if she is still seeing this man, I just don't understand how someone can put the emotional well being of her kids behind her need to be "Happy" and how her family and everybody can just sit back and see this happen.I am willing to change all the things she is unhappy with, without any resentment. I just want that chance> Everyday that goes bye that I don't get to see my children is soo painful, that I can't and don't see how anyone can get used to that feeling. How can anyone be so cruel and selfish as tonot give their kids and their marriage another chance. Is ther anyone who can help me? What can I do to break up her affair?What can I do to get her to counselling?How can I get her to see that this will be devestating to our children and their well being?I just need to know that there is a way to restore the most prcious gift that one has in their lifes/FAMILIES!!!

#1035 08/13/99 07:55 PM
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DJB<BR>I know it's hard to understand. My h left a week ago, after 10 years, saying the same things (You'll find after reading for a while they all say the same things). I've not heard from him since - he hasn't even come to get his things. My 15 year old daughter is angry all day and crying all night and finding anywhere she can to go sleep over. And I have been almost incapacitated. These people are the ones who got me through the weeks before and this week since he left. I don't understand. But neither does he, I don't think. All I know is that I love him and I'm willing to do whatever I can to hold my marriage together. I can't believe it's happening, but it is. I am trying very hard to move ahead, do the things I need to do, and keep hoping that he'll come to his senses. He's not thinking right now - I know that. Doesn't make it easier. I can't control him, just me. (Boy I sound calm tonight - catch me at 2:00 am). So I'm trying. Give it time. Give it all you've got for as long as you've got. Baby steps. There are success stories here. <P>Take the advice. Read, read, read, all the postings, articles, books that are recommended. Take control of yourself and make yourself the kind of man and husband you want to be. She'll either see or she won't, but you stand a better chance that way. And through it all, we'll all grow and become better people because (or in spite) of it all.<P>Look to the members here for support and encouragement. Use this forum to vent so that your emotions don't get the best of you when you're with your wife or kids. Go to counseling - alone if that's the way it is. She may join you before it's all over, she may not, but you and your kids will benefit from it anyway. You can work out a way to see your kids - maybe not exactly what you want - but better than nothing. Do all you can to make them feel safe and loved, it's so hard on them.<P>My SIL called yesterday to tell me to move on - my H is happy. My MIL called today to say "hang in there", he's already starting to realize what he's done and the happiness is just an act, he's breaking. Here goes the roller coaster. So I'm here - like everyday. And I get through it - like everyday. So will you.<P>I'll be praying for you. Post anytime - I do. And keep on.......<P>Lori

#1036 08/13/99 08:04 PM
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DJB: i am so sorry for what you are going thru, i read your post and my heart is breaking for you. Please stay as strong as you can, for your kids, they need their dad. <BR>Putting your kids in the middle like this is not a smart thing for your wife to be doing.It is wrong to take anger out using them. Please, take one day at a time, you'll make it thru this. I hope that you will continue to post, i care. Please ,, take care of u

#1037 08/14/99 05:53 AM
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DJB,<P>You've received some few good advice, read<BR>all you can on the MarriageBuilder website.<P>You want to win, right? Be strong and of good courage. Fake it 'til you make it. Whatever it takes to be strong and not needy, this will increase her chances of returning. Women always choose a leader over a pleader.<P>It will help you cope too. Let your children see you being strong, regardless of whether or not their mother chooses to return. Fake it if you have to, but if you seek to be strong, you will eventually start to be.<P>She's not going to come home and make everything all better. You will have to be strong without her, at least for a while. Ask God to help you be strong and of good courage. Read the first few chapters of the Old Testament book Joshua and obey it. You win regardless of whether she returns or not if you can be strong. Good luck.<BR>

#1038 08/14/99 11:34 AM
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Lot's of good stuff here. I agree, concentrate on you and kids. Dr. Dobson's book talks about relationships and how if we act all lovesick we actually push the other person away. I know it's true. 22yrs ago I fell in that trap. My ex ran as fast and far as he could. Only when I dated a friend did he show any response. Not that I'm saying to do that, but what I am saying is take care of yourself, take a step back and get off the emotional roller coaster. Keep your eyes upward. Tell yourself that you are a worthwhile person, tell yourself all the good things about yourself. Dress the part even if you can't quite feel it yet. Know you will survive, no, you will be succesful with our without your spouse. God Bless!

#1039 08/14/99 01:25 PM
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DJB- God, How I do know that frantic, "I can't breath, sleep, think, feeling!" I think you've gotten some wonderful advice-READ, READ, READ! Slow down take three really really deep breaths! You sometimes forget to breath when your that upset and it just makes you more intense and less likely to think sanely! (Believe me, I did it myself!) Remember this site is here, if nothing more than to express yourself even when others won't let you! Good Luck, you have my prayers!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>

#1040 08/16/99 10:51 AM
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DJB Offline OP
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Thanks! everyone! I really appreciate your replies. Everyone says to get on with my life.Should I keep trying to save my marriage? Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to get her to see how this is hurting our kids? Is there anything I can say to get her to counseling? I am looking for advice that I can use. Does anyone know what to do. I have read many books on this subject. I just wish she would. Is there anyway that I can get through to her, she just seems to not care how much pain I am in.I have never felt this kind of pain!! I am hoping that the upcomming hollidays will help her wake up!!Since we as a family never spent them apart.Should I confront this OM that I know? Does anyone think that we as a family in-laws and my parents should try to all sit down and try to figure out how we can cave this family?


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