I have realized that my WW believes she lives in a bubble. She doesn't think that any of her actions or words affect anyone. So I am thinking of changing her acronyms from WW to BG (bubble Girl). I'm not trying to be funny here. I am very serious. She is a Wandering Wife, but she also lives in this tiny world of selfishness. She actually told me in an e-mail yesterday, that her first priority is her kids then her work. OMG. Let's see she is having to find babysitters for this Friday b/c she is flying to go see OM. Someone help me here. Is she putting her kids first? Is her missing her 2 boys soccer games on saturday to go see OM putting her kids first? Maybe I'm all wet about this. Maybe I'm the one in the fog. If the President of the U.S was coming to my house and I had promised my kids to go to a movie, the president would just have to wait. Stupid analogy, but that's how I feel about them. NOTHING, is more important to me. Yet, she tells me they come first, but her actions speak volumes otherwise. My counselor told me I shoud not date or get into any relationship for 6 months to 1 year after our divorce. I said that is a long time. But, he explained something to me that I hadn't really realized before. He said right now your kids need their parents. Sadly, they only have 1 right now. You have to be the one who can take control and help your kids deal with the seperation and divorce. She can't. She is too wrapped up in herself and OM to see what is happening to them. One of you have to be the Parent. It is up to you to take that responsibility b/c she isn't able too. He said if you were to get into a relationship then both of you wuld have your minds elsewhere and the kids would just be left to deal with their problems by themselves. He's right. Besides he told me I wouldn't be ready for probably a year after the divorce to get into a relationship. I need to deal with the breakup of this one and better myself. I need to live alone and be alone. He said that will give me the best chances to make my next realtionship work. Right now, the thought of being alone and her with someone hurts and makes me sad, but in the long run, I know I will have a much healthier relationship in the future, no matter who it is with.
Anyhow, sorry for the changing of the subject. But I will be posting with WW's acronym changed to BG.

Take Care

TORO

Hey TORO,

Just wanted to know, are you in plan B yet?

Yes, actually really started it yesterday after the e-mail she had sent to me. Was trying to be in before but did a really poor job. I sent her an e-mail yesterday telling her I wanted absolutely no contact with her. If she needed something for the kids she could e-mail me. I don't have anyone that can be in intermediary. Everyone has their own life and anyone I would ask would be friends with both of us and would put them in a bad situation. Anyhow, I am refusing to talk or see her at all. I make sure when she drops the kids off at the house I am somewhere else in the house so I can't see her.
I'm sure I will have to adjust this plan.

TORO

TORO

I may be stating what you already know but it's worth reiterating and that is that there IS a difference between a separation and plan B. In a separation nothing is being worked on or planned on while in plan B you are telling her that you love her very much but can not live with her because her A with OM hurts you very deeply and that the only way for you to live with her again is if she:

1.Ends her A.
2.Sends OM a NC letter.
3.She wants to rebuild the M by following the MB plan of marital recovery which includes counseling with an MB oriented professional.

And until all three conditions are met, that the only contact you will have with her will only be regarding important child care issues.

Did you send her a letter or e-mail stating the above? If not, then you are NOT in plan B.

TMCM, this is really tough b/c in her e-mail she has told me to move on on. That our marriage is over that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. How can I send her a letter telling her that if she wants me back she will have to do all of those things, when she has already said she doesn't want anything to do with me? She has moved way beyond the thought of marital recovery. I'm sorry if im being ignorant. I don't mean to. I'm jut trying to figure this out and believe me I do value your advice immensely.

TORO

And, since I'm sure OM is reading this, he'll warn her ahead of time.

TORo

Toro ... It's a good thing I don't know BG ... cuz she makes me want to LB like an active volcano! Something about her attitude turns me into a-vent-a-holic.

I have heard so many married women while in the midst of their affair fog say this:

"If I am happy, then my kids are better off too, because they can't be happy if their mother isn't happy."

I am sure, given the opportunity ... your bubble girl would espouse this philosophy verbatum <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> She is following a script I have read so many times already.

Again, hang in there for your kids Toro. You're quite a guy!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Pepper, thanks for the reply. It's funny you say that about her. She has already told me that. She said our kids would be better since their parents don't love each other anymore. That the kids shouldn't be in a home where there is no love between us. She has always said well the kids will be just fine. I told her someday they will, maybe, but this will put them through hell. I think that is why she doesn't spend a lot of time with them. I think she is trying to shield herself from what they are and will be experiencing. She may have them at her place, but she isn't "with" them. I have been talking with them and letting the express their feelings. I am trying to be there for them. I think she believes they have no issues or problems. They may not so much yet, but they will and i will have to be the prepared to handle it. I am not looking forward to it, but that's what I'm here for... them.

Thanks again for your encouraging statement. It means a lot to me.

TORO

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TORO:
<strong>TMCM, this is really tough b/c in her e-mail she has told me to move on on. That our marriage is over that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. How can I send her a letter telling her that if she wants me back she will have to do all of those things, when she has already said she doesn't want anything to do with me? She has moved way beyond the thought of marital recovery. I'm sorry if im being ignorant. I don't mean to. I'm jut trying to figure this out and believe me I do value your advice immensely.

TORO</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TORO I do see your point, but if you are not contacting her why is she still sending you e-mail after e-mail saying the same thing? If she is so sure that it's over why continue sending you e-mails repeating the same thing? Is it possible that OM may be getting inside her e-mail account and sending you those e-mail messages?

You might want to consider the next time you get the same 'it's over' e-mail message, to call her up and tell her that you got her 'it's over' message and that if she continues to send you the same message, you will be forced to block her e-mail address. If she tells you that she has NOT sent you anymore 'it's over' e-mails, then tell her to have her OM stop sending them on her behalf.

<small>[ October 16, 2002, 01:20 PM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

TMCM, no I don't think OM is using her e-mail account. I'm not sure what is going on with her. I'm just going to ignore her. I don't think she will be sending me anymore e-mails. I did reply to the last e-mail and just told her that she doesn't live in a bubble. That her actions and her words affect a lot of people. At the end I told her I wanted absolutely no contact with her unless it has to do with our kids. Then she could e-mail me.

TORO

TORO I agree with you that the best thing to do regarding those 'it's over' e-mails is to simply ignore them because whoever is sending them will see that you are not taking the bait and will hopefully cease and desist. You might even consider modifying your e-mail inbox settings to send any e-mail with the words 'it's over' to the e-mail trash can.

TORO,

Hang in there, your W doesn't know what she's missing.

Toro:

I don't know, man. I wouldn't call her names even if she is treating you like pteropod ooze or some such. It's okay 2 dehumanize OP (like Rat Meat... ...now I'm going 2 get FLAMED - deservedly and happily, though!), but don't dehumanize your kid's mom. You might accidentally call her that in front of them someday.

"How can I send her a letter telling her that if she wants me back she will have to do all of those things, when she has already said she doesn't want anything to do with me?"

Easy. Ignore the fog-latin and say what you need 2 as if she weren't talking 2 you at all (she isn't, in effect). You certainly don't have 2 "play this game" of hers by so much as acknowledging it.

"She has moved way beyond the thought of marital recovery."

No she hasn't. She's shut down her higher functions, just like Dave Bowman pulling the plug on HAL (stop, TORO, stop... My mind is going, I can feel it...). But she certainly isn't in any position 2 think about M recovery at this point. Try not 2 think of "where she's at" as "beyond" anything (but reason, perhaps).

"I'm sorry if im being ignorant. I don't mean to."

You're forgiven!

"I'm jut trying to figure this out and believe me I do value your advice immensely.'"

TMCM has a lot of experience in this area, it's true. The primary difference appears that your WW isn't a drug user (is she?), and so her addiction is only 2 her OM. The good news is that this is very typical behavior for an Affairee. It's quite likely she'll wake up at some point. She'd just better hope that you're "there for her" at the end of that time.

OM, if you're out there, I haven't spoken 2 you yet 2day. Why don't you post? We'd love 2 hear your take on all this. In the meantime, I hope when you get home from work that your mother comes out from under the porch and bites you right on the leg! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks again guys. As usual 2Long you made me laugh. I need that right now. I feel like you guys are my big brothers (I don't have any). Thanks for all your support. I take everything you tell me to heart.

TORO

2Long: Having any more of that "Salad" today? LOL

You're right 2Long, she is still my kids mom and derserves that respect. I won't change her name.

TORO

Toro:

I don't have any brothers, either. But my sisters do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

P.S. Yep. Salad 4 lunch!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TMCM has a lot of experience in this area, it's true. The primary difference appears that your WW isn't a drug user (is she?), and so her addiction is only 2 her OM. The good news is that this is very typical behavior for an Affairee.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2Long.

My xWW's addiction was primarily sexual in nature. Although I am certain that drugs were involved in her A's considering the unsavory characters she chose as her OM (ex-felons). Still her behavior was very much in tune with that of a WS addicted to her OM's. Just thought I would clarify that.