First off I wanted to say...I am still very cautious. This is our 4th attempt at starting any type of recovery.

WH told me earlier this week he wanted his life back and wants to work on our marriage. Last night, we took his dad out for his birthday. This is the first time I have seen any of his family for almost 21 months, when WH left me.

His dad was in tears, and hugging me, saying that was his best birthday gift, me being there.

WH told me last night in front of his grandmother that he was never able to fully let me go. He said maybe at first in the beginning, he tried hard, but could not do it. He wants to work on our marriage and get his life back in order.

We did not do any heavy relationship talk last night, since we were with the rest of the family and all.

WH just called me as I was typing this, told me he will be home tomorrow night for sure, asked me for my Dad's phone number so he can break the news to him that he is coming home. I asked him if it was safe to tell everyone now (in the past, he would always say not to tell anyone yet).

He said "yes, tell everyone, this time is for real, and when I come home, I am home for good, you're stuck with me for life".

We then talked about Thanksgiving plans, etc.

I'm crying as I write this, I truly believe him and also afraid because of the times before. At least this time he is away from OW, before, he was still living with her.

I truly think that the last time he tried (7 weeks ago), when he first moved out of OW's house, he suffered withdrawal immediately.

I hope, since he hasn't lived there, he has broken free from her and the withdrawal is diminished.

I am going all over the place here, I am happy, but so scared, I know it will take alot of work on both or our parts, and can be a long road.

I want him to talk to Steve, so he can be the bad guy on helping me set the boundaries, but I also want him to feel safe and not pressured.

GC -- Rather than give you all my usual cautious statements about not getting your hopes up, setting terms for recovery, blah, blah, blah -- I just want to tell you that I am very, very happy for you. You did a lot of hard work and soul searching and plan Aing and cookie baking, and bathroom thong draping, and everything else.

You deserve the best. I wish you nothing but happiness and you know we'll be here with you through RECOVERY.

g_c ~

I was one of those I believe, that told you last time to be careful, that it probably wasn't real. My biggest issue at the time was that your husband was sounding great but not really doing anything to back it up and my red flags were waving.

This sounds different.

You are about to discover, just how difficult recovery really can be. Believe it or not, its worse than Plan A in many ways - not to discourage you, but to encourage you, when it gets really bad and you want to run. Just know that its normal.

I think the telling the family thing is at least a sign of his acting what he says. Mine did the same thing - it was totally different than our "false" recovery.

I suggest that you call SH asap, by yourself. Talk to steve about how to approach your husband about coaching with him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by unsureheart:
<strong>You did a lot of hard work and soul searching and plan Aing and cookie baking, and bathroom thong draping, and everything else. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">so...should we had this to the Plan A "to do" list? Thou shall drape sexy black thongs all over the house!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by unsureheart:
<strong>You deserve the best. I wish you nothing but happiness and you know we'll be here with you through RECOVERY.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">thank you, I hope its for real, I really do, you also deserve the best.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by BrambleRose:
<strong>You are about to discover, just how difficult recovery really can be. Believe it or not, its worse than Plan A in many ways - not to discourage you, but to encourage you, when it gets really bad and you want to run. Just know that its normal.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you, I need all the encouragement I can get. What made Plan A easier was remembering that this is not my husband, but instead a character in a classic infidelity textbook. Everything he said, did, and acted was straight from that textbook. I hated his actions, but it gave me hope that I was not the only one.

So with that said, also reading about recovery after the fact, and how difficult it can be, I hope helps as well.

But I have a goal in life. My goal is to have the most fulfilling marriage that I could ever imagine. Yes, he left me, yes he had an affair, I cannot change that. However, I truly believe that we can take something so awful and turn it into positive. That if we can work through this, we can do anything.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by BrambleRose:
<strong>I think the telling the family thing is at least a sign of his acting what he says. Mine did the same thing - it was totally different than our "false" recovery.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that is why the family dinner last night was so huge. His grandmother has wanted us to get back together, and I know that he did not want to break her heart again by bringing me around and then saying it was over between us. I hope that is the case now.

Something else that comes as a positive thought, he has mentioned how uncomfortable he would be around my family and how he could not face them. He wants to call my Dad, and told me to ask my mom and grandmother up for Thanksgiving.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by BrambleRose:
<strong>I suggest that you call SH asap, by yourself. Talk to steve about how to approach your husband about coaching with him.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will make that phone call tomorrow!!

I am soooo happy for you, you deserve what you wanted so much, and you will obtain just that and more!!!!

Congratulations GC! Pat yourself on your back, and stick in there!

Shepette

I am so so happy for you!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

GC- YOu deserve it, you deserve true happiness and the most fulfilling marriage ever, and I believe you are going to get just that. I know it is for real. I have been through one seperation, and reconciliation without infidelity, and I can say even that was difficult. It is a must to recover and make better all that has gone wrong so it doesnt go there again. I know you know that. YOu are patient and desrving of a happy marriage.

I am sooo happy for you. You are the best. YOu are an inspiration.

i like all your plan a stuff too. Sexy undies, cookies and all.

Hugs, Your friend, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> HONEY

Thanks Shepette, findingmywayback, Honey!!

Why am I so nervous??? I feel like I am going to go out on the first date with my husband or something. I have that excited, but scared feeling, does that make sense??

Back to cleaning my house!!

Just wanted to give you my best wishes for a great recovery. I hope I get the chance that you are getting. You are an inspiration. Take care.

TORO

Sorry it took me so long to reply...looong day!
Talking to SH right away is absolutely necessary. It is possible to make WH feel safe and set boundaries at the same time. It can all be done lovingly. For your own protection, please decide on some boundaries (write them down, if need be), talk to SH and start to think of a loving plan to set them in motion. Your WH must be made to understand that things have changed and the two of you must change too. As someone else said...this is great (truly miraculous, if you ask me... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) but, recovery can be hard work. Be prepared for this...to be honest, this is where the hard work begins. It's not all doom <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , you both have a purpose, something you are working towards together, a goal and that makes it worthwhile! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ahhh...I have been cleaning my house all night!!! I have to go to bed, gotta get up extra early and driver 2 hours and be at a customer all day long so I won't get a chance to check this during the day tomorrow (oops I guess its today already, Friday).

Toro, thank you very much, I don't know if I would call myself an inspiration!! Don't give up, I see that your Dday was just a few weeks ago, sometimes when things look bad, something good is just around the corner.

MGM: Can I just say thank you for keeping me sane!!! I will call and make an appt with Steve tomorrow so we can start the right way. I think I am prepared for the hard work, question is, is my husband?? I feel like I have to be the strong one now, does that make sense??

G_C,

just wanted to say this:

He was your Hero when you met him and
you were his princess.
He will be your "Hero" again and you will be his
"Queen". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like I have to be the strong
one now, does that make sense?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely. You really got it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

hugs
bb

<small>[ October 18, 2002, 02:53 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

Having him in your life certainly gives one much vigor and adds a spring to one's step, doesn't it.

<small>[ October 18, 2002, 11:34 AM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

GC---good for you...and your H.

Be cautious, but also remember that you will likely need to be vulnerable again to make this work. I think you have made yourself strong enough to do that...

I wish you well...

E

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by going_crazy:
<strong>Ahhh...I have been cleaning my house all night!!! I have to go to bed, gotta get up extra early and driver 2 hours and be at a customer all day long so I won't get a chance to check this during the day tomorrow (oops I guess its today already, Friday).??</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...all night to clean your place???? Just how dirty is it?? LOL I'm thinking it's either filthy or you have an obsessive compulsive disorder!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Remember, your FWH <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> is coming back too you, not a spotless home!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by going_crazy:
<strong>
MGM: Can I just say thank you for keeping me sane!!! I will call and make an appt with Steve tomorrow so we can start the right way. I think I am prepared for the hard work, question is, is my husband?? I feel like I have to be the strong one now, does that make sense??</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, you can't control how prepared your H is...you can only control your response, not his. Do what you need to do to try and make the M work. How hard your H works at it isn't in your control. Do your part and hope he does his, reward his progress by showing progress yourself! As long as you have the opportunity to be vulnerable and lean on H after all this...this is why MC is so important. I'd hate to see, after all your hard work, you starting to resent your WH and the process of recovery stalling because you feel you have to be the strong one all the time. A MC will help make it safe for both of you to show your vulnerable selves. You need to show your fears, weaknesses (late night cleaning being one of them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), your grief etc., etc.. Marriage is a partnership, when one spouse can't cope the other needs to learn to 'pick up the slack'.

As for keeping you sane <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ...not so sure about that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You did this on your own, I helped support your decisions. You already knew what needed to be done and turned to MB just to check in and make sure your judgements were sound. Anyway, kinda hard for one 'nut' to keep another 'nut' on the up and up wouldn't you say??!! lol <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hi Going Crazy,
Only 4 attempts? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

We were successful in our 7th reconciliation, after 21 months of separations, 2+ bad years.

I understand how crazy you can feel on trying when one or both of you have failed, more than once.

But, if it seems different, it probably is. I know we had gains in even some of our unsuccessful tries.

If you want your marriage, then this is a step to take with as much love and patience as you can bring to the relationship.

There's work ahead of you, but it is much better when both of you are putting forth effort. Something I became aware of was that my effort & my H's effort didn't always look the same. Some days all his effort was not contacting the OW (who he still works with) or just not walking out again.

The other night he told me he loves me and I asked how he knows that (I admit, I was seeking EN meeting), he said, "I sleep cuddled up with every night, don't I?" He does, he's here in the morning, he's here in the evening and we've rebuilt our marriage and our family with those times together.

Best wishes to you.

Hello GC,

This post gives me good "goosebumps"...you know that feeling when you're watching a movie and want the couple back together in the end... when/if they actually do come together, it's that beautiful shiver you feel, those tears that you shed through the movie because of the pain you felt when they were apart?

That's what I feel.

Yes, you have a hard road ahead but I feel so happy for you and of course, hopeful for me and the rest of us who yearn to hear those very same words.

Thank-you for sharing. Congratulations on your survival, your journey and your "victory".

G_C,

I agree totally with terrified. I got "goosebumps too!"
have a nice evening.

hugs
bb

<small>[ October 18, 2002, 01:22 PM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by blondblossom:
<strong>G_C,

just wanted to say this:

He was your Hero when you met him and
you were his princess.
He will be your "Hero" again and you will be his
"Queen". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">thank you BB!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Elad:
<strong>Be cautious, but also remember that you will likely need to be vulnerable again to make this work. I think you have made yourself strong enough to do that...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks Elad, I do feel strong right now, its kinda scary!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mgm:
<strong>
all night to clean your place???? Just how dirty is it?? LOL I'm thinking it's either filthy or you have an obsessive compulsive disorder!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Remember, your FWH <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> is coming back too you, not a spotless home!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, not all night!! Ran the vacuum, cleaned out our closet to make room for his clothes, did laundry (btw, I gotta another black thong hanging!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , made H his favorite koolaid and jello (yes, I said koolaid and jello!!), of course I was doing this on commercial breaks while watching TV!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mgm:
<strong>Well, you can't control how prepared your H is...you can only control your response, not his. Do what you need to do to try and make the M work. How hard your H works at it isn't in your control. Do your part and hope he does his, reward his progress by showing progress yourself!
I think I'm starting to learn this stuff!!!
As for keeping you sane...not so sure about that. You did this on your own, I helped support your decisions. You already knew what needed to be done and turned to MB just to check in and make sure your judgements were sound. Anyway, kinda hard for one 'nut' to keep another 'nut' on the up and up wouldn't you say??!! lol</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I love all of my "nutty" MB friends, and I definitely would have "went crazy" without you!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lor (Lor):
<strong>Only 4 attempts? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">including his fence-sitting the whole time!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lor (Lor):
<strong>We were successful in our 7th reconciliation, after 21 months of separations, 2+ bad years.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, I am almost at 21months, I hope our recovery turns out like yours!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lor (Lor):
<strong>If you want your marriage, then this is a step to take with as much love and patience as you can bring to the relationship.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I do want this marriage, I have learned unknown patience through this, that I didn't even think I was capable of!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lor (Lor):
<strong>Something I became aware of was that my effort & my H's effort didn't always look the same. Some days all his effort was not contacting the OW (who he still works with) or just not walking out again. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kind of like EN's and Love Languages, huh? What seems important to one, may not be to another. I will remember this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Terrified:
<strong>
Yes, you have a hard road ahead but I feel so happy for you and of course, hopeful for me and the rest of us who yearn to hear those very same words.
Thank-you for sharing. Congratulations on your survival, your journey and your "victory".</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Terrified, yes, I have survived on this journey, and I feel victorious within myself, but theres a longer road on this journey to call our marriage "victory", I hope to be able to post in the future saying we are months into a successful recovery. I hope we do, but things aren't for sure, we never know what tomorrow brings!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by blondblossom:
<strong>I agree totally with terrified. I got "goosebumps too!"
have a nice evening.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do to thinking about it!! I talked to him earlier and we are going out on a "date", dinner and a movie. My stomach has butterflies!!

Hi GC....i am so happy for you. Your words in your post are exploding with your happiness, i can surely tell..have fun on your dinner and movie date...all the best A/C0810