My wife had an A about one year ago w/ her fathers terminally ill Doctor. We are working on our recovery. To my best knowlege their has been no contact since d-day Feb.02

Should I make contact with this scum or his wife to let him know that I know ?

Should I let my wife know if I do this?

Any or all advise is welcome.

I wonder if anybody logged in, has advise or a comment

Please help don't want to make the wrong move.

Hey,
A lot of us are here but I didn't figure I could do much for you - I bet someone will be along that can help. I have read your other thread and I can feel the hurt in your posts, I hope you are able to heal and that you come out of this OK.

Please read as much as you can on this site and consider counceling with the Harleys. It is going to be a hard road to travel but like many others, you can make it if you are willing to study, and do the work. I wish I had words to make it better for you but it will take a lot of time before that pain will start to leave you. Hang on and keep trying.

SS

I am sorry for your pain. At the least I would file a complaint with the State Medical Board.
He took advantage of the situation with your wife while he was treating her father. I would also contact his wife. Who knows how many times he has done this before. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you wish for someone to contact you about an unfaithful spouse?

I'm just wondering if you can approach the hospital board about this guy's actions?

Obviously he was preying on someone at a VERY vulnerable time. Are you sure that your wife if the first. What are the ethics of a doctor and has he broken this with involvement with your wife?

I suppose this would be vengeful thinking.

I guess the question you want to ask yourself is "What are you looking to gain by confronting this man?" Figure that out and meyabe it can point you in the right direction.

Hello again. I seem to be the only one who replies to your posts. Maybe that's because your question doesn't really have anything to do with Marriage Builders' ideals. That's all about how to recover your marriage and make it affair-proof. Unfortunately we all read the book after the fact. But, Marriage Builders doesn't really help in the recovery/healing process. Perhaps you should write directly to one of the counselors on-line.

I personally got in touch with the OW the day I found out about my H(WS) A. I talked to her on the phone. I discovered the A from my H cell phone bill and she(OW) was a former girlfriend of his - so I knew immediately what was up. She(OW) didn't give me any details of the A she only said that I had reason to divorce my H. That was enough information for me to confirm the A. I've written her(OW) two letters since that phone conversation. The first explained the events that led to the problems in my M. I also sent photographs of my wedding day (to include my H two children from a former marriage). She had said that she didn't even know what I looked like. Perhaps I wanted her to sympathize with me - to realize why my H had run to her and away from me. It also explained how much I loved my H and wanted to save our M. I told my H that I had written/sent the letter and told him what the letter said.

The second letter was accusatory - to her - in the part she played in luring my H to her. She had pursued him, bought him expensive gifts, and knew he was married. I wanted to let her know that the part she played in the A was just as brutal and selfish as his part was. She(OW) called my H after receiving this letter to explain how she didn't appreciate getting letters/pictures from me. She said that she hadn't read either letter-bull****-and that she was a nervous wreck. He told her (OW) "What did you expect-you were ****ing her Husband." He let her know that everything wasn't always about her.

She is not married however, so there is no spouse to tell of the A.

It made me feel better to let my feelings be known to her. This has reeked havoc in your life. I don't see what harm could come in your making the other party involved aware of the pain it caused you and how you don't appreciate the role he played in your W(WS) A. I don't know about telling his spouse about your W(WS) A. I say "It's a free country - do what you want."

Hi walitys,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Should I make contact with this scum or his wife to let him know that I know ?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think she deserves to know. I wouldn't talk to the OM though.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Should I let my wife know if I do this?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely, walitys, you should read MB policy of Radical Honesty, and POJA. I am pretty sure they are listed with the "Basic Concepts". You need to discuss with your wife that you are thinking of doing this before you do it.

Also I would question your motive in this. You need to let her know because it is the right thing to do. Not because you want "the scum" to suffer. Although, I know where you are coming from on that one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

As far as letting the medical board know. My opinion on this one - doing that would be revenge, why bother he is not worth your time. I had an opportunity to ruin the OW's life and make her lose her job(she lied to get the job there). Although that was pretty darn tempting I realized the entire time I was obsessing about it, I could have been repairing my M.

Also, just from experience, the OP doesn't really give a crap if they hurt you or your M. Why do you think they were the OP, you are probably just going to waste your breath if you talk to OM. In my situation the OW knew my H and I were in recovery and continued to "stalk' him, saying she knew that he didn't want to be with her but could he please just come have sex with her. Ughhhh, how pathetic. Tell his W, then you and your W send a 'no contact" letter, and then begin rebuilding your M.

DU

Hello again Waitlys. Definately Unsure is right in what she says also. I don't believe the OP gives a crap how the BS feels. That's what I'm trying to do to move forward now and quit obsessing about the OP is to tell myself that by even letting the OP occupy my mind I am giving the OP too much importance. My H chose me and M and is working on recovering our M. The OP doesn't deserve the time of day from you.

Walitys & letstalk,

You are both new here so I'll share a little about MB with you?.

Maybe that's because your question doesn't really have anything to do with Marriage Builders' ideals. That's all about how to recover your marriage and make it affair-proof. Unfortunately we all read the book after the fact. But, Marriage Builders doesn't really help in the recovery/healing process. Perhaps you should write directly to one of the counselors on-line.

MB is about building affair proof, passionate, strong marriages. It is also about how to ends and recover from affairs. The concepts do indeed help with the recovery/healing process. That's exactly what they are about. If you will read more of the material and posts here you will come to realize that.

Dr. Harley strongly advises the BS to confront the OP to let them know that they are interfering with a marriage and a family. He also advises people to contact the OP's spouse. Affairs do not do wall once exposed to reality.

Your situation is different since the affair ended a few months ago. What is your motivation? To extract revenge? You certainly could contact him and let him know that you know and that he has hurt you, your wife and your family. You could also contact his wife.

Doing this will not help end the affair?. it's over. I do believe that his wife has the right to know.

Have you discussed this with her wife? At this late a date it may cause more problems that it will solve. I think it's POJA topic this many months later.