My wife has hung on for 4 months after dicovering the affair, and I have continued the affair. I tried to do no contact but lasted only a week. We have had a difficult marriage and I try to just end it, but when she prepares to leave me, she cannot give up, she believes in me and the marriage even when I dont. I cannot bear it when she begs me and cries in front of me pleading to take her back. I think about how much I am hurting her, enjoying my love affair with someone I am not committed to. But I am not enjoying my whole life, I am filled with guilt and sadness. I have lost respect of many who love me. I am not a bad person, I just feel stuck. I love both women and hate to leave either of them, I dont want to hurt anyone, but I hurt all involved. Help me to see what has gone wrong.

YES, I believe your marriage can work IF YOU WORK AT IT. I am in the exact same position your wife is in, I just haven't found out about the A. I'm not all that experienced in this area so I'm just speaking from my situation. I have cried, pleaded and done all of the things your wife is doing. It hurts that my husband seems to not care and act indifferent. You are HER husband. You married this woman with plans to be with her for the rest of your life. It is killing her to know that she is sharing with you another woman. Are there needs the OW meets that your wife doesn't? You can work on your marriage and have a loving marriage. But you have to want this and disconnect with this OW. You should really think about what is most important to you. You CANNOT love two and be true. I don't mean to sound harsh but I am speaking through her heart.

Yes, I would tell you to go back with your wife!!! And why do you think that I might tell you that?

I read your post, and thought that exact same thing but chose not to write that to you, as I am the BS and I know that pain. I know about that crying and pleading, didn't work!!! My STBXH allowed this to happen to our marriage and our family. Could he have stopped it from continuing? Yes!!! But he wasn't strong enough!!!

YOU ARE and you have already taken the first step. Read the materials here and the facts, you and the wife have a better chance of making this marriage work then you and the OW have if I said "if" you get together!! Why are you risking that? Obviously you still have a lot of love left for your wife. Did my STBXH have love for me left, yes, but it hurt so bad that he had chosen to do this to our marriage that I told him that he couldn't still love me and love her, pushed him as far away as I could. I couldn't tolerate the pain that he was subjecting me to.

I could go on and say many more things to you, but as your wife's pleading and crying haven't had much of an effect on you I doubt what I might say would have any effect on you!!!

God bless you and your wife, it will take a lot of work on both your parts, but FIRST YOU MUST STOP ALL CONTACT WITH THE OW. Is it fair to her to keep her hanging on hoping that your marriage fails? Is it fair having the wife hanging on hoping that you might want her instead??

You my man are not playing the game of life very fairly!!! Shame on you!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yes, a marriage really can heal. But...you do have to stop re-wounding it. As long as you continue the affair then you can not heal the marriage. And as long as you continue the marriage, you will continue to harm the OW.

As long as you involve both women in your life...all three of you are hurting...and it is in your power to make a decision and stop hurting all those who love you!

I don't know if your marriage should survive, some shouldn't...but I do know that affairs should NEVER happen.

You've dragged in someone (the OW) into your life with all the problems that were already there, and you've opened the door to an overwhelming problem (the betrayal) without addressing any of the prior ones which needed to be focused on in the marriage.

Seeing as you've lost respect for many of the people who love you...hows about the respect you hold for yourself? How high is it?

Just because a person loves "too much" to do what is healthy for them...doesn't mean they are not worthy of respect. Yes, maybe both of these women who love you should kick you right out to the curb. But love is a two edge sword...we gain much joy from this wonderful emotion, but we also feel much sorrow.

Dear Joboot,

First I would like to tell you that you have made the first step by coming here.

You are asking for help because "deep" inside you don't know what to do and you realize that what you are doing is not the "right" thing to do. Right?
Try to think and then give yourself the answer. If it was love, I mean true love what you feel for this OW, why are you questioning your situation??
Cut the rope and go for the OW?
You can't just do that??? hmmmmmm. Then ask yourself, why????
If you love the OW what is stopping you from just packing your stuff and leaving your wife???
Think.
What is hindering you to do this?? Your wife?
What is it that is making it difficult for you? The woman that you married and the woman that you promised to protect and love till death separates you? The woman that meant the world to you and made you feel so special. The woman that has made mistakes and still loves you for all the mistakes that you have made.
The woman that is willing to work on your marriage and make things work out. The woman that
has never let you down. The woman that you know you can trust and relay on.
The woman that you know from all sides: good and bad. The woman that is aware that you have "lied" "sneaked" and let her down in the worse way ever and yet still wants to "believe" in you. The woman that just didn't have the opputurnity to make changes and meet your needs, because "YOU" decided it was better that some OW should fullfill them for you and therefore it was impossible for her to do this.

And then you say, you also love OW. You have made it "easy" for the OW to appear beautiful and fullfilling. You have shown her what you like and what makes you happy.
You have shown her affection, admiration and passion. You have made OW feel very "special" and therefore she is more that willing to give you this feeling too. this in return makes you feel "loved" and unique. These are things that every woman needs and if she doesn't get them, she will "fall apart". Every woman will "die slowly" inside if she doesn't get affection, admiration and the feeling that she is special and beautiful.

Joboot, I truely believe that you feel love, yes. But I believe that if you would stop all contact with OW, open up completely with you wife and honestly express your feelings to her, your marriage can recover and become better that ever!!

In your situation, I think that you are missing many feelings, this makes you feel sad and unloved. That is normal. We all need to feel loved and understood.
Your wife is probably feeling the same.
And since this is your situation, I really believe that ANY OTHER WOMAN could come around and if she fullfilled your needs, you would think that you love her. It is not this special OW , it could be ANY WOMAN.

Reality for you is: you married your wife. When you got married you both felt good about yourselves. Both of you were fullfilling each others Needs and you both were connected and you were letting this be possible. (this is how it usually goes)
You both have made mistakes and I guess you both were not communicating the way you should have.
The problem is, you have just made a step in the wrong direction and therefore you have not given your wife a chance to fullfill your Needs the way you would want them to be fullfilled.
If you would think about this seriously and truely work on your marriage, you would experience what you never would think is possible. You can have a relationship that is better than just 2 woman put together.
You can help your wife and yourself to fullfill each others needs "completely" and not just in bits and pieces from any OW.

Ask yourself following questions:
Are you prowd of yourself, if not, why???
Do you feel good about what you and OW are doing, if not, why???
Would you tell the world what you are doing, if not, why ??
Do you believe that you can trust OW and that she is "HONEST, if yes, why???
-Has she told you that she wants you no matter what it costs? No matter how many people she hurts, she just wants what she wants!!!
-does she tell you she is such a caring, loving person and yet she cares less about the pain she is causing and you just believe what you want to. (you question "NOTHING AT ALL!!)
Has OW fullfilled every "need"?
-does she deal with your dirty socks and underwear, has she experienced you "farting" and when you wake up and have "BAD BREATH".
-does she tell you, you are great because you can lie so good and that you are really great when it comes to "sneaking"?
-does she tell you you're a great and wonderful man because you $uck her and then go home and lay in bed beside your wife??

Joboot, I'm sorry that this might sound very harsch. I'm just trying to wake you up!!!!!!!
You are not questioning anything that OW is telling you!!!! You just believe everything and believe that OW will stay this way.
You are heading for hell if you believe that!!!!!!!!

You don't feel good about what you are doing. Gosh, man, no one would!!! Because it isnt't good. Affairs are based on fantasy, lies and complete unhonesty!!!

Do you truely believe that something that starts that way can turn out to be beautiful????????? Wake up !!!

I'm not telling you that it will be easy but I know that it can work and I know that if you really give your best your marriage can become better than ever!!!!!!! It just takes 2!!!!!

One more thing, I'd like to tell you. Some women have a mind of their own, you men have NO idea. They can trick you out and you wouldn't have the slightest clue, believe me!!! To get what they want, they would do anything and again you wouldn't notice it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care
bb

Can you live without your wife? Beliece it or not she can live without you. If you continue the affair you will find this out. This maybe just a game for the OW. If she wins you then the game is over. The excitement and passion fades. Then the affair ends. By that time your wife may have already left and given up and you are left with nothing but regret. You obviously felt a great love for your wife at one time. And yes that love can be brought back. Whats the problem here? There is someone else. If there wasnt someone else in the picture the problem wouldnt exsist. Let go of the OW. End it, save your marriage.

My wife is ready to leave if I dont ask her back. My counselor doesn't have much faith in our marriage working out and he has known us for 5 years. Maybe he based his opinion on the fact that I have gone ahead with my affair even 4 months after my W found out (up to this very day). My actions show my preference here, my lack of respect for my wife, and my attachment to my lover. I know I have to make a choice, either work it out with my W, or stop inflicting pain on her and let her go. I look at my lover and feel like I don't want to let her go. I look at my wife and feel guilty and sad for what I do to her. My lover says she is willing to let me go back to my W if it stops the suffering.
I am still feeling stuck now.

Might sound kind of harsh and I am sure I will get denked for it.

But get some balls and do what it is that needs to be done. The Ow has told you she will let you go, get the no contact written up and begin working on your marriage. Don't look at your wife with the guilt that you feel, look at her as the new beginning of your life, one that can be very exciting and loving. Get a new counselor!!!! Go through the materials that are here at MB and start applying them to your marriage, share them with your wife, do the emotional needs survey. Get it together!!!

There is saying that your actions speak louder then your words, your actions are showing that you want your wife and your marriage, now put the words with it and tell your wife that you do love her and want your marriage to work out and that you are willing to do what it is that needs to be done to have your marriage back. Share with her your plan for restoring your marriage!!!!

Sorry for being harsh, but I see you as a person that needs to be pushed!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks daybreak...you said it best!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

JOBOOT-

oops-JOBOOT-

If you really want to do the right thing, you will go no contact with the OW. If your marriage fails after the next year and you deceide to leave after following the Dr. Harley plan, then you leave, divorce and only THEN meet someone new. You are a cake eater. This is very, very selfish, but I respect you for coming here to work on this issue.

Picture your wife getting married to someone else, having passionate sex over and over with that person. Not caring if you are alive or dead. Wake up-you're going to loose her if you don't. She will go. I obviously am a BS. My H stayed with me and we have done well in recovery. It will not be the same marriage, but it can be better. You need to meet each others needs. You will hurt after going no contact, but this pain will be replaced with happiness. I do not believe your OW will go quietly. Ours did not. My H found out what type of woman she really was. You are in a fantasy. You are escaping reality with this person, but reality has a way of catching up with you. OK, I am ready to be flamed. Sorry-this hits too close to home.

Maybe a former WS can add some coal to my fire.

I think I really want to return to my wife, but the attraction and love to my lover are very strong...overwhelms me. At the same time I am afraid of my wife leaving and me regretting that. I would almost say that it would be hard for me to live with, knowing that I dumped my wife of 6 years for the lover I betrayed her (over and over) with. I am thinking about me too, how could I feel good about what I have done? I am losing respect of some of the most important people in my life, my family. My lover has a strong hold on me.

You need to stop the affair if you want to have those same feelings with your wife, or you will never get them back while the OW is in the picture. You need to go 100% no contact with your OW for your marriage to stand a chance. Think about this...did you ever feel strong feelings for your wife? You can get that back. Plan a MB weekend. Honestly look at old photos and remember what it was like. How about on your wedding day, or when you got engaged? You are having a chemical addiction to your OW. You will go thru withdrawl, if you keep no contact, it will be better. Why should you do this? Eventually the chemical attraction to you OW will fade. If you don't, you will loose your wife and reputation. It is worth a try. Give it 6 month to a year. If it doesn't work, then you can leave your marriage with peace of mind, the "right" way and you can look yourself in the mirror. Check the stats about OW. Your relationship with her is 97% poss. of failure.

I think my H is happy he stayed. We even have a new baby. I worked hard at looking at what was missing from our marriage, everyday you need to try. This is true for all relationships, but it will be worth it. Try Dr. H's method. good luck and read all here

The lover only has a strong hold over you if you alot!!! DON'T ALLOW IT ANYMORE!!!! If you have the materials here, you would reconize the addiction that you have to the OW. Addictions can and are overcome, with love and patience of those that mean the most to us!!!!

As I have said before, Get some balls and do what needs to be done, write the no contact letter and do it now!!!! Once you break the hold it will get easier!!!! But you have to do it!!!! Only you can break the contact!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Go Back to your Wife!!! If the OW was such a good catch, she would also have someone..unless of course, her Husband died, anyway, she is not worth you letting go of someone you have shared so much with...along with the covenant that you made to God..

Hi Joboot,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My lover has a strong hold on me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just a thought. What EN is OW fullfilling for you? Sometimes this helps when it is put into words. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

So far you have said that you feel:
-scared to loose your wife and that you might regret
-you are not feeling good for what you are doing (loss of self-respect)
-you feel guilty
-you feel sad

You might want to consider the following:
Love gives us confidence, makes us feel happy, when we love truely we feel no guilt.
If the love is true we are able to feel prowd, never guilty. We can tell the world!
If what we are doing is the "right" thing we don't loose "self-respect" we gain it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My counselor doesn't have much faith in our marriage working out and
he has known us for 5 years. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you don't work on yourself and make changes, I don't have faith for any further relationships at all.
You will make the same mistakes over and over again. Switching the partners will not change anything.
It will feel good at the beginning but the problem you have is within yourself. It will always come back, no matter who you are with.

If you have read what SH has written, it might make sence.

I can't tell you what to do, this is up to you alone. But I agree with the comment: If OW is such a good catch, she would already have someone.
She wouldn't have to get involved with someone married. She would respect the fact that you are married.
She would of backed off immediately and never made that step.
And you might want to think about the fact she doesn't respect the vow of marriage. Do you honestly believe she will change this because you are "so fantastic?"

You have shown her that you can be sneaky, you are a great lyer, you don't keep a promise(marriage vows) you can have great sex with a woman other than your wife, you don't know what you want...........and you believe her when she tells you that she loves "this man?"
Heck, wake up from this fantasy. How can a woman "truely" love someone that is doing this???

OW is already manipulating you and you don't even see it. She is saying that she will let you go if it stops the suffering. And you think already that this is sooooo kind of her.
Joboot, think about this.
If this was your wife?? She'd just drop you to stop the suffering. She is "willing" to do this. Gosh, she never should of been involved with you from the beginning on. She has no other choice, so what is she doing??

Something that I would call "female manipulation." I'm sure that most woman know what I am talking about.
You tell a guy:
Darling, I don't want to see you suffering anymore. I kills be to see how hurt you are. I love you so badly and I want to see you happy. I will always love you and you will always be a part of me "but" I will let you go. I will do this so that you have the chance to become happy again, I just can't stand seeing you suffer.
I will make this step even if it almost kills me. I will always think of the beautiful time we shared with one another. I will always think of you in a very special way and no other man will ever be able to give me what you gave me. No other man will ever make me feel what I felt for you. But I will let you go. I want to give you the chance to make things work between you and you wife, I don't want anyone to suffer anymore.

Joboot, any woman can do this and the man she tells this too, will think she is "very special". He will feel even more love for her. This is what the female wants you to feel. This is not unique, believe me. It is "female manipulation" it's a female tactic. It's tricky and you men hardly realize what is happening.

Your wife promised you to go through "good" times and "bad" times.
She is keeping her promise.

Your wife knows the other side of you. She has loved the man you once were and she knows what great qualities you have. She loves you even for the "mistakes" you are making. Can't you see the difference???

If you decide that you want to become an honest person, you will know that this is true. You will be able to be prowd of yourself again and this will feel "right".
You might believe that you are honest with OW, but you are not!!!You never were.
You can't lie to one person and be honest to another. Just like you can't be a little pregnant.
You are either honest or unhonest. You are either pregnant or not!!! You are either married or not.

So as I said it is up to you to decide what you want.

take care
bb