I posted this on Just Found Out but thought I would also try GQII so I can get feedback before giving this to my W tonight. Any help is appreciated.

I recently told my W that I felt she was having an EA with her ex-boyfriend (XBF). She took the news very well and listened to all my concerns. Now I want to take it to the next step and actually engage my W into helping me with my Plan A.

What do you think of the following communication I have prepared for my W? I received a lot of help from Happy_Hus on the emotional needs board.
We are in our second year of marriage and my hope is that I can foster open communication about feelings that come up with regard to opposite sex friendships early and set up an intimacy barrier that would be hard for others to get through or break up.

W,

I believe you have a strong emotional connection with XBF. The reason I believe this is from what you have told me and what I have observed. You mentioned you love him and feel as close to him as you would if he was a member of your family. I would like to explore with you what this emotional connection is and how you feel when XBF meets the emotional need that this connection is based on.

My concern isn't the threat of you being physically involved with XBF as much as it is that you may allow him to fulfill some of your emotional needs that I should be filling as your husband and best friend.

Can you share with me how you feel as a result of nurturing the emotional connection with XBF? Do you think you can temporarily reserve that type of connection for me and help me learn to fulfill your need for that connection better?

Love,

H

TrueSelf -
I really like that! Its refreshing to see a man who actually has a sensitive side and emotions regarding the sacredness of his marriage. I think it would be good for her to hear that, I wish my WH would write me something like that!

My H and I have also not been married long, like you.. only 1 1/2 years, so I know how tough it is to experience something like this early on in the marriage. It makes you wonder if you should go on and try and make it better? I guess we all have to learn to slow down our busy lives a little and pay more attention to our spouses.

TS,

WOW, what a great idea! I almost never post on this board but I had to tell you that I think you are showing real strength of character for trying this approach. Instead of being bitter and threatened, you are seeking to improve yourself to make your spouse happy! A rare commodity in men! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I really hope it works out for you! If more spouses would look at the problems in their M's this way, maybe so many wouldn't be breaking up. Good luck!

me

I think it would be good for her to hear that, I wish my WH would write me something like that!

You may have just given me the best validation I have ever received. I wish my W would validate me like that!

It makes you wonder if you should go on and try and make it better?

Only for a microsecond, then I realized that making it better here and now will make it better for me in all possible futures.

If more spouses would look at the problems in their M's this way, maybe so many wouldn't be breaking up.

This is encouraging and helps me believe I'm going down the right path. I'm glad you decided to post.

TS - I like the idea.

Your letter should add a little reassurance, maybe. ILYs never hurt!

But also, share some of your *feelings* (not just your thoughts). I mean, say, "Maybe it sounds dumb, but sometimes when you talk w/ XBF I feel _____".

See, you're asking her to share her feelings, but nothing in your letter suggests you are willing to do the same. And before you reply (I can hear it coming!), wanting to fulfill her needs is not a feeling.

I'm talking words like, scared, threatened, jealous, angry, hurt... figure out how you *feel* about this, share it without attacking her (which I why I suggest the part about "Maybe it sounds dumb"), and figure out why you feel that way.

TS,

The letter is a good idea. You need to speak up for yourself of behave of your M. She is having an A already but doesn't see it.

I remembeer your posts from earlier, about going to ta party where Om would attend also. You two didn't go, but it seems there is still contact. An EA requires NC just as anyother A.

You are right, there is an EN of your WS that the OM is filling. And she has promised, committed, to you to let you fill these needs. It turns into a downward spiral quickly when some one else fills a need, although you could also be filling the need (but not in quite the way they would like you to) the mor the OM does the need filling, the less your filling is noticed and the less of a desire for telling you how you can change to fill the EN better.....hard facts yes...I know...

You a doing good to deal with it now, don't ingore it, it will only enable the A and allow it to escalate.

The letter. I had a sense you want to compete with the OM, don't you can't be anyone else but you, I know you know this.

W,
I believe you have a strong emotional connection with XBF. The reason I believe this is from what you have told me and what I have observed. You mentioned you love him and feel as close to him as you would if he was a member of your family.

Not very decisive. Perhaps,,,"I see where you have....The reason for this is from....

I would I feel it is necesary to refocus on eachother and therefore would like to explore with you what this emotional connection is and how you feel when XBF meets the emotional need that this connection is based on.

My concern isn't the threat of you being physically involved with XBF as much as it is that you may allow him to fulfill some of your emotional needs that I should be filling as your husband and best friend. I feel we have promised eachother to be there and fill our emotional needs for eachother.

Can you share with me[B] what makes you feel how you feel as a result of nurturing the emotional connection with XBF? TS, she feels good about something while in his presence, she should feel bad even ashamed about nurturing the emotional connection with the OM. What you are asking is if she can identify the EN you are not filling and the OM is. This, if not asked right will come across as your trying to compete with OM

Do you think you can temporarily reserve that type of connection for me and help me learn to fulfill your need for that connection better?

Good! asking for something specific. You want to talk to her to let her know how you are feeling about the situation. This type of talking creates an intimacy between people. Hopefully she still want to let you in and not just show you a fasade of fog-babble

Just some thoughts, you two need to talk, the A is started. Consider MC??

Good luck
DDRS

Since everyone who replied has only been registered a few weeks, I'll step up to the plate.

The "communication" you have, in the current form is a very, very BAD idea.

Why? You are asking your wife to revisit all the good feelings she had/has for xbf. When it coms down to it, why should she teach you anything? She already has it in her xbf!

Besides, she married you for who you are/were, not for what how much you could be like xbf.

Have you done the emotional need questionnaire? These are to help each of you understand what the other really wants from you and thre relationship.

My concern isn't the threat of you being physically involved with XBF
At this point it sure well better be!

as much as it is that you may allow him to fulfill some of your emotional needs that I should be filling as your husband and best friend.
And guess what? Whoever fulfills those needs gets big bucks deposited n the love bank.

<small>[ October 25, 2002, 04:46 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

TrueSelf: I don't have much advice but Oh My Stars--your W is me a couple years ago--I let myself connect emotionally with someone who became OM. BIG MISTAKE.

My H stood by and while he objected, he didn't stop me from pursuing OM. I applaud you for addressing the problem and facing it head-on.

I just hope you can talk some sense into your W before this "friendship" carries on further. It's so hard for WS to see that the OP is NOT a good person if they will mess with someone's marriage for their own emotional or sexual pleasure. Society bombards us with the message that "we have a right" to whatever we want but we DON'T and when we think we do, we mess up big-time!

Keep probing your W to find out what this is about. She may need an ultimatum from you. I hope you will discover whatever key it is that can unlock her from fog--she needs to see XBF is no friend. After all, why is HE the X-bf and YOU are the H???? She made the right choice once. Here's hoping she sticks with her "better half"--you!!