I asked the OM to never contact me ever again about 1 year ago (after D-day) and told him I was going to fight for my M and focus on re-building trust and my M.

Now after a year, he sends me an instant message asking me how I am doing and that he wanted to say hi. I immediately closed the message and did not respond.

I know according to the Harley's I should tell my H about this attempted contact from the OM. I want to tell him what happened because I don't ever want to lie to him again, but I am so scared to upset him and bring back triggers for him. Please give me your advice. I know in my heart I should tell him.

Congratulations on keeping the OM out of your life and keeping the NC promise to your H!!! IMHO, you should tell your H exactly what you just told us here at MB. As a FBS, I'd definitely want to know if there was contact between my FWH and the OW. Yes, there'd be triggers but, if he said nothing...I'd think he was hiding something more(if I found out later). Why make this worse by not being honest with your H?? Show him you've changed for good! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sorrowful:

For me, I would want to know that the OW contacted my H. I'm sure I would be upset not at him but at her.

I would thank him for telling me and would ask him if he responded or if he wants to respond with another No Contact message.

In our situation, the No Contact would need to come from me. The OW doesn't seem to get it when my H tells her to stop contacting. I had to tell her before it finally stopped.

This is just from my point of view. I hope others will respond so, you can get a few other opinions.

sorrowful,

You obviously know what the right answer is: You HAVE to tell your H, or you'll be going down that distructive path again. You absolutely did the right thing by deleting the message. Now tell your husband. Then after you tell him, show him that you changed your email address or ISP and delisted your email address, phone number, and blocked the OM's email address to your's.

Being scared to tell him is understandable, but I'm sure if your proactive by telling him what your plan is about handling the situation (items above?) he will have double the confidence in you. It will only make the bond even better.

Now carry on and let us know what you did and how you're husband reacted in your next post.

Sorrowful,

What a marvelous opportunity you've had dumped in your lap. This your chance to show your H that radical honesty is part of who you are.

It's a gift for you to tell him about the attempted contact. Don't think he hasn't wondered if the OM has tried to contact you and imagined what you would do.

Put his fears to rest by telling him what action you chose. Because you see you did choose your response to the attempted contact. You can't choose what the OM will do, but you can choose your response.

Your H will be shocked at first, then grateful I am sure to hear how well you handled it. It is my belief that it will take you to a new level of intimacy with your H! Good Luck CSue

Very tough situation. I would say tell him and not keep anything from him, but adding to the fire won't help either. I would tell mine if that happened and all the details of how I didn't reply back and I logged off real fast. I would also block the messenger to where he couldn't contact you that way anymore. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Immediately tell your H what has happened...your reaction to it. (Call him at work if necessary..run him to ground. Waiting will only increase your fear of his reaction.) This is a great chance to prove to your H that you're not hiding a thing from him. That honesty in your marriage is more important then keeping the waters calm.

IF...your H has a less then hoped for reaction...remind him GENTLY that you can only control your actions...not this man's or anyone else. Then BLOCK XOM from seeing you on IM (if this is where it happened) or block his email address.

IF...this ever happens again...save whatever he sent so that your H can see it for himself and KNOW without a shadow of a doubt exactly what happened. jmho You might also, if it continues...ASK H if either you or him (or together) should inform this XOM that ANY type of attempt to contact you will ALWAYS be shared with your H.

You're on the road to successful rebuilding...don't make a mis-step now. You did good!!!!!

Sorrowful,
You know in your heart that yuo should tell him, have you done that yet?

By not telling him, you could look to be guilty of something. You did nothing to encourage this contact and appropriately ignored and deleted the E-mail.

As everyone has said, this is a great opportunity to show your H that you are committed to your marriage. As far as triggers for your H? It won't be the first or the last, but your reaction to it can be a very big positive! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Sorrowful! Yes, you did the right thing - you can further it by doing 2 other things right away to further CEMENT your commitment to your husband:
1-Tell him ASAP.
2-Change your Screen Name IMMEDIATELY.

I had an EA online with an old girlfriend from high school, and we IMed a lot, swapped email, etc. even talked on the phone once. All wrong. However, when I woke up and wrote that No Contact Letter to her, I cemented my Commitment to my wife by changing my screen name and removing every single person off my Buddy List except for my Wife. We have DSL internet and 2 computers, so now, my Wonderful Wife and I Instant Message each other now and it's fantastic - even though I'm in one room and she's in the other, we 'chat' all the time. I love it! In the event you have other safe buddies you chat with, let them know and that way, your former chat buddy you want No Contact with will not be able to find you. Also, do NOT fill in any profile when you change Screen Names. Trust me, your Husband will LOVE you even more for it and it sure will go a long way towards your and his Recovery. I'd do this with him watching you on the computer, he'll appreciate it even more!!
Best wishes for your continued recovery. God bless you and your husband.
Harold

This happened to my H some time after the affair and he told me immediately. It was VERY REASSURING to me that he did this! And a darn good thing, becasue I KNEW she had tried to contact him.

Wow, THANK YOU everyone for replying to me. I am so greatful to everyone who responded (and so quickly)! You all reconfirmed what I knew I should have done (and did last night).

I should add that the IM software I use is provided by my employer (the OM works for the same company - totally different location and dept). His IM came in around 4:45 PM yesterday while I was working. My H and I went out to dinner when he came home from work and when we came back home, I went to my home office to turn my laptop off and check for messages, I noticed a phone number on caller ID that I did not recognize at all - I thought it could have been a customer or co-worker, so I checked my voicemail at work and the OM had left me a message saying that he had IMed me and I had not responded, then he tried to call me at my home office (H and I were out at dinner) and that he thought he would call me to check in and see how I was doing and that he wishes me well. He also said that he thought it was crazy that we have no contact in anyway and wanted me to call him back. He sounded so depressed and lonely. (sorry, don't mean to be nasty, but GOOD FOR HIM!!!)

When I heard that message, I got so pissed - what an idiot. DO NOT contact me means DO NOT contact me.

I blocked his ID from seeing me on-line or IMing me (unfortunately, I cannot change my screen name - it's dictated by my employer). So after I shut everything down for the evening, I went downstairs and told my H that I needed to talk with him and that something was bothering me. I told him about the IM and how I closed it out and did not respond. I also told him about the caller ID and the voicemail message. At this point there was such sadness on his face - I could see him re-living the pain over again. I also told my H that I love him w/all my heart and will never hurt him or betray him like I did ever again. I continued to tell him that I considered the OM as dead and that I had no intention of ever speaking or responding to him. I also told him that I was telling him this not to hurt him, but rather to be honest as I promised him after d-day. I never wanted to lie to him again and I wanted to prove that I was for real and was working to re-build his trust in me. My H sat there in sadness - I proceeded to share with him that I never want to go back and repeat that time in my life and that I wanted to protect us from having anything like the A happen again. I will spend the rest of my life regretting what I did to our marriage. At this point I asked him if he was ok, he nodded, than I asked him if he was angry at me and he shook his head no, so then I asked him if he agreed with how I handled it and he nodded. Lastly I asked him if I should have done anything differently and he shook his head no. I hugged him tightly and told him how much I loved him and we continued on w/our evening.

I did not get a great big response from my H, but that's ok. I really wasn't expecting one - he is very quiet and it still pains him that I betrayed his trust and the vows I promised him. Perhaps, over time and through recovery the pain will continue to subside and trust in me will grow. I am so happy I told him. I knew it was going to hurt my H, but I promised to be honest and I never want to go back to the way I behaved during A. I love him with all my being and I will do anything I can to protect him and our M and to rebuild our love and trust.

Just when I thought he would get the message, the OM calls me this morning at my office (with my co-workers nect to me). His call caught me by surprise - when I heard his voice, my heart just sank into my stomach (such an awful feeling). He said I just wanted to call and see how you are doing. I did not respond (I did not want to cause a scene in my office). Then he asked my if this was a bad time for me to talk, I told him that his call was inappropriate. Then he said, 'well, I know but I just wanted to say hi' I responded my telling him that I want him to respect my wish for NC. He then said oh, it's nice to hear your voice - I did not respond. Then he said 'ok, I'll hope things are well and talk to you later.' I responded w/a 'thank you' and hung up.

Why oh why can't he understand I have chosen my H and M? I do not want anything to do with him!!!!!

I will tell my H about this call when I get home tonight. I hate to cause him pain again.

sorrowful,

Good for you. However, can I make one more suggestion to you? I know you have told your husband about not wanting to ever hurt him again, etc etc. But he may not have heard you. As a BS myself, I would have appreciated the actions you took by deleting the messages etc. But what your husband may really want to "hear"from you is what your future actions are going to be to help prevent this OM from contacting you. (Even though you can't stop the OM, there are ways to make it difficult. and if the OM doesn't get the message, then get a RO against him!!!!)

Again, change your office and home phone number and don't have it listed in the phone directory: online or in the book. If you have a cell phone and OM knows the number, get a new phone with a new provider. At your company, check with your IT person or dept. to see if there is way to block emails from specific people or work stations. (I know my large company can do that).

I guess what I'm saying is SHOW him. even if all the things above cannot be done, actions still speak louder than words. After all, you're right, he probably thinks your feeding him a line of BullS@#$, especially if there were untruths spoken from you about the A in the past. Even after one year, the uncertainty is still probably there for him.

Good luck sorowful. take care.

Sorrow,

Few posts bring me to tears; but yours did. You handled the discussion with your H beautifully! I am so impressed.

AGHHHHHHHHH!!! to the OM. Others may have a better opinion; but I wonder if you shouldn't send another NC letter to the OM signed by you and your H. With both of you together saying NC; surely he'll get the message.

Bless you sorrow. So many threads and posts are so desperate; it's very powerful to hear how well you handled your situation. CSue

Good for you.

Now, I hate to say this, but it looks to me like it is time for you to move on to another job. I was in the same situation. I wanted OM to leave, find another job. I stood my ground because I loved my job! Thought I would never find another one as good or that paid as good.

Finally, I realized that my marriage was more important than any job. I could not put my husband through the pain of going to work in the same hospital as the OM every day even though my husband was very kind, and sweet and supportive. (See, in a way he was scared too. We were used to having my income, and it was scary to think about our financial future changing.)

But, I did it. Of course, hindsight is 20/20. I wish I had done it sooner. Everything worked out even better than I dreamed. I felt peace in not having my "mistake" parade in front of my face every day. My marriage improved greatly. I thought I was through withdrawal, but realized as long as I still had any contact even through work, I really was not/could not get over him.

So, if you feel your husbands pain and your first priority is your marriage, I strongly suggest you find another job. Get as far away as possible!

God bless.

<small>[ November 01, 2002, 09:15 AM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>

Sorrowful,

Did you send a NC letter a year ago? Did you save a copy of it? If so, take it to your Human Resources Department. Tell them that you had a consensual relationship with this guy until a year ago, when you cut off all contact and told him never to contact you again. Then, tell them that he is calling and IM-ing you on company-owned computer and phone lines and during company time and it is unwelcome and you want something done about immediately. Because he is doing it at work and using work assets to accomplish it, what he is doing constitutes sexual harassment and, if your employer does not instruct him to stop or doing something more to him to prevent it from happening again, they could be violating federal and most state sexual harassment laws. If you would like more info, please e-mail me at LegalBeagle86@hotmail.com.

Brit's Brat/BS-41
WH-43
DS-1 year old
Status: One Day At A Time

Brit....LOVE IT! Great advice!

Bandit -

You're right on. I did block him from seeing if I am connected to IM and from being able to send me any more messages. Unfortunately, I can not be unlisted from the corporate directory and can not change my phone numbers (again dictated by my employer). I think the reason he may have called me this morning is because I did not respond to any of his attempts yesterday. Pretty pathetic and idiotic if you ask me. I think this time the NC demand may have done the trick - he sounded disturbed that I did not chat with him and again to speaking/contacting again.

CSue,

I am so sorry for making you cry. I love my H so deeply and so despartely that I would do anything for him and us. I truly regret very moment during the A. If I could turn back time, I would in a heartbeat and make the right decisions this time. I was SOOO crazy to have taken the chance of losing him.

Susan,

Thank you for the advice about finding a new job - I will keep this as an option. Currently the OM works in another office (3 hours away) and in a totally different dept. He really went out of his way to contact me - there is no reason for us to speak even from a professional prespective.

BB,

Also, thank you for the great advice. I did not write him a NC letter - rather, it was verbal (something I initiated on my own). Perhaps I (and my H) should send him a letter. I will speak with my H about it tonight and see what he says.