Luv,

I just wanted to post again and let you know that your husband is speaking "foggese", this is so normal for a WS to say these things, in fact, it is textbook, something that helped me through, and to not allow his words to mean anything.

Please, listen to us, don't make any rash decisions, your husband is in shock because his little happy world with OW is being shattered, or so he thinks it is a happy world.

If you can, make an appoint with a family counselor, pastor, someone right now, who can help you deal with this, and of course, we are here for you.

OK luv.......now listen to me.

No matter what happens......YOU CAN AND WILL MAKE IT!

When my H left......I was left to raise 3 girls..mostly on my own..ages 10,4 and 3. No job.....no job experience and tons and tons of bills.

I've never had a father figure in my life either....actually met him when I turned 26 and sometimes wish I hadn't.

Right now.....you feel like the whole world is against you. Been there........but you have to think into the future now.

Terminating or not terminating this pregnancy is up to YOU.......no one can make that choice for you.....and NO ONE has a right to judge YOU for it. They aren't in YOUR shoes. (saying this as I'm not a very religious person)

I've been in your shoes. My H wasn't involved in an A when I got pregnant with my last daughter..and we weren't seperated...but finding out I was pregnant 9 months after my middle daughter was born sent me into a downward spiral....and yes....I did consider terminating.

BUT......I didn't. I just couldn't do it.

It's time to start thinking about the here and now.....and the future.

Your H isn't your concern right now. You......your son and your future are.

Just like everyone else here........I've heard the same things from my H that your H is saying to you. He even went so far as trying to get me to sign a statement so that our divorce wouldn't get messy...........but it never happened.

He was never coming back no matter what.
He was happy where he was.
He couldn't stand the site of me.
Nothing would ever change.
He would call for stupid reasons.

Been through all of that.

Now that you know what you know.........it's time to put your H on the backburner.

No talking about the relationship......actually try to ignore him at all times.
No touching when you see him......actually step back into the background and ignore him.
No asking him if he sees changes......the changes aren't for him anyway.
No telling him how much you want the marriage to work....he already knows that.
Last but not least........assume that anything and everything that comes out of his mouth is an alien that has taken over his body talking for him.

Always remember.........everything happens for a reason.

Please don't abort your baby, luvhazeleyes. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> You didn't create that life, God did...so He must have a specific reason for this child to be yours. Bless your heart....

Lori

LHE.

I've sent you a response. How are you today?

I also am pregnant with WH's child....due May 15. He had a reversal Oct. 01 and we had been trying since then and got pregnant in Sept...kind of by mistake since I had found out about his affair in July and we had talked that it probably wasn't a good idea to be trying.
I am very scared however about being a single mom....he has refused to give up contact with OW yet doesn't want to be left out of his child's life. Wants to go to appointments, the birth, etc. The bad thing is I want him to be there...I know i have family, etc. who support me, but I want my husband to be there with me.
We are now living as married and he is considering counseling, but he does not want to end the contact with OW and I really think he believes that they will be together in the future.
It is tearing me up inside, knowing that he wants her more than me.
The one thing I have right now is this baby though...and so I'm trying to give my love to the baby and put my focus there...
I guess I figure if my husband does leave me I will have this baby to give my love to...

Hi All,

Thank you all for your support whether you agree or disagree with whatever decision I make.

Well today was another one of those days that I wished that I didn't wake up. I felt that same tugging in my heart when I did rise and I HATE it. I keep hoping that I will wake up and my husband will be right there next to me and this will all be a darn nightmare. Wishful thinking. On a brighter note though, I did try to enjoy my day and even got out to do some things I've wanted to do for a long time. So, I did feel better for a little while at least. Well guys I feel absolutely ridiculous for even having posted about the baby because I feel awful but I did call the clinic today to at least speak to a counselor about my decision. (at the ab clinic) My appt is tommorrow @ 9a.m. and I will keep you abreast and I hope no one hates me or stops responding to my posts because of this. I am in a great deal of pain and need all of the support that I could get right now and I as I said earlier I do appreciate all of you GREATLY!!

I keep praying for the day when this will NOT weigh so heavily on my heart, but right now it's the first thing I think about and the last thing I think about before going to sleep. My husband has not called and I am not suprised. As he said, he does NOT want me to get any ideas of reconciliation. What did I do to get treated this way. I hate all of his family because they all keep telling me TO GET A LIFE AND MOVE ON. Can you believe that, but as I said in my other posts, his Mom and sister are OW. What a family!

I keep asking and maybe I don't fully understand yet, but if I do NOT bring the affair to light won't that allow the affair to continue MUCH LONGER??? I don't actually think he's been actually seeing this person since we separated so it's still cutesy and fresh. I get so hopeful when I hear that I am NOT the only person who has or is going through this sh#$, however how do you know when it is just fog? Couldn't it be that he's just sick of me and wants someone new? I do know that there are a lot of things I DO NEED to change about me though and all of the things I DID do that were HUGE LB'S. I know I did have my own issues <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

Also, can someone tell me how I can get the book "Surviving an Affair" and suggest any other good literature. I will try just about anything to help ease this pain. Thank you so much, I look forward to hearing from you all, I guess you all are all the family I have right now.

OOPS,

I was so busy rambling I didn't address everyone personally {that is a MB requirement right <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> }

MALC
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Keep coming here and vent. You have to stop being DESPARATE, PLEADING, BEGGING NO RELATIONSHIP TALKS with H that will run him away</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is so good to know that I am not the only one who has done this. It is SOOO damaging to your self esteem, therefore I MUST stop this and I hate who I have become.

BR

Thank you so much!

Freshie, AP, HMB, and GC
I am still thinking, I am going to speak with a counselor tomorrow, thank you for your advice. GC, I have a couple questions at the bottom under response for MP if youcould help as well.

MP
Loved hearing from you and am taking my time, but not my SWEET time. When you say ignore, do you mean ignore his calls. That is the problem that I'm having. He wants no contact from me, so do I plan A if he contacts or do I just Plan B. I didn't send a letter but I told him that I want our marriage to work because it is very important to me. What do i DO? Hope to hear from you again SOON!

Whatever you decide must be what you think is best for you. I'll support your right to decide! I can't imagine the pain you are going through at this moment. What a nightmare you've found yourself in with no hope of someone waking you up.

As for H, do whatever is necessary to protect yourself. Get a lawyer and start making sure that you have some control on where you want your life to go.

Sometimes marriages no matter how badly one partner wants to keep together, can not be saved. I don't have a crystal ball to see, maybe you'll find your way back to each other, maybe you'll begin a new journey without him. But it can be a wonderful journey of discovery. Take this time to learn about YOU and what your goals and desires are that don't include your H as the beginning and end all. You get "well" for you! Then no matter what happens with him, you'll be fine!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by luvhazeleyes:
<strong>When you say ignore, do you mean ignore his calls. That is the problem that I'm having. He wants no contact from me, so do I plan A if he contacts or do I just Plan B. I didn't send a letter but I told him that I want our marriage to work because it is very important to me. What do i DO? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would not got into a full-fledged Plan B, especially in light of your situation. There is a difference between ignoring him and being "unavailable". What I am saying is that you don't jump when he tells you to, be able to be strong and stand for yourself and your values without LBing, yes it is tough. He knows that you want the marriage to work, so don't tell him that anymore.

Right now, you need to decide on a Plan, think about how long you may want to stick with that plan, etc. It seems as if you have been switching between Plan A and Plan B, not only is it confusing for your husband but is not good for your stability or your child's.

You can Plan A from a distance, sometimes it is much easier because the affair is not entirely in your face.

As for in the morning, I wish you the best, this decision is yours to make. I am a Christian, and am pro-life, unless it is due to other circumstances such as rape, but it is your body. I am just scared that if you do decide to have an abortion, that you may regret it for the rest of your life. I cannot even imagine the pain and the stress you are going through right now, but in my opinion, I would give your husband a few days before you decide to do anything rash. You just told him, he needs to digest this new information.

There are so many people who are looking for a child. You could try speaking to an adoption clinic. Maybe try hooking up with a nice couple who would like to adopt your baby. You can try to hook up with as nice a couple as possible that will give your child a nice life. That is less final than an abortion, and leaves room for you to change your mind or negotiate with them if you want to keep him/her. The worst that could happen is that he/she will grow up somewhere out of your sight and you will meet again many years later. Even if you never meet again, she/he will have a life somewhere. That is not so bad an outcome as the worst that could happen if you abort: end up really regretting it and depressed.

I had a false alarm when I was divorcing, though no affair was involved. This was my reasoning.

<small>[ November 07, 2002, 06:14 AM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

(((((((((LHE,)))))))
Love & prayers for strength to you. It is now one year since I went through the very similiar events that you are now dealing with - OO it is so painful even to remember. WH was so much in his own little world. I decided to do what was best for me, & after much soul searching & examining all issues - left it in Gods hands. I was ready to except all consequences of my decision one way or the other. You have received much input from many here that helped me so much when my emotions were "exploding". Boy, did I LB big time.

I really like BR's sig line -
Pain is a given, but misery is optional. I remind myself of that every day. I sometimes had to really make the effort to choose not to be in misery. Sometimes you just can't explain your decisions totally, but I found it really helped when I decided to just let God take control.
God only knows - Vega

<small>[ November 07, 2002, 06:11 AM: Message edited by: Vega ]</small>

LHE: I really feel for you and believe you need to do what's right for you. I know in my case it's a little different because my H does want this baby, although he also still wants to be in contact with OW and doesn't know if he wants our marriage.
For me this is my first child and I have a lot of family who will be there if he's not.
The thing that scares me is being a single mom...he says he wants to be there, yet he's sending resumes to place near OW which is 7 hours away. I also know they have talked marriage and being together forever, etc. So I don't know how he thinks he'll really be that involved in this childs life if he does move away.
The thing that others have told me is his talk with OW...all the I love you's, soulmate, only one for me, etc. is "fog" talk. I don't know how you know for sure, except that it seems there are so many others here that have heard the exact same things.
I guess for me I'm just trying to look for positives and ignore the negatives (I know he emailed her just yesterday about a job lead near her hometown).
Maybe it's not the best way, but for me, blocking out a lot of this makes it easier for me to Plan A....I am seeing a counselor so I do get it out and just started posting here although I've been reading here since July.

I do think that seeing a lawyer is not a bad idea. I have an appointment next week because I know my husband has talked to one....just to find out the ramifications with child support and that. I think I need to be prepared if it comes to that and you probably should be too...
I sometimes feel like I sometimes put myself in a fog that everything is ok when its not. The one thing I do know is that I have wanted a baby and have others to help out if H is not around and so for me this baby is the one big positive thing I have right now.
I think you'll know what is right and what is wrong for you.

What happened at your counselling session this morning? Are you ready to talk about it?

((((((((( LHE ))))))))))

Karen

Hi Everyone,

Well I spoke with a female counselor at the abortion clinic near my home. She was VERY caring, patient, understanding and did not influence my decision one way or the other. My feelings remain the same. I do not want to have this baby right now, at all. However, I will give myself until next Wed to make sure this is DEFINATELY what I want. I know that I have let some of you down, but as I said Wed is the finale, but if I can think that far I know I will remain adamant in my decision.

As I've said before I am not a bad person, I am just a person in a bad situation that gets worse by the days. I have NO one else. I have no shoulders to lean on. I am not feeling sorry for myself at all, but I am barely dealing with what is on my plate right now. Really I am. I don't even feel good about myself, I HATE to look in the mirror and I really HATE who I've become. I've always been so strong and self-confident and I've actually resorted to begging and pleading for my husband not to leave me. I have to build MYSELF back up, love myself and my SON, and proceed from there.

As i told you I lost my Mom in Jan. and as it much as it hurts to say it, this hurts more than that. I loved my Mom with every breath in my body, but she had NO choice in leaving. My husband has looked me in the eye and basically told me I am NOT good enough for him anymore. I feel like crap and inadequate. I HATE him for that too. I want to read, read, read like so many of you have, educate myself and become a better person that I even like.

RELATE

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> There are so many people who are looking for a child. You could try speaking to an adoption clinic. Maybe try hooking up with a nice couple who would like to adopt your baby. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you for the suggestion, however this is definately not an option for me. If I decided to go through with the pregnancy there is no way I would give up the baby. Some will debate my decision because of this but these are my views. I am not against adoption, it is just not an option for me. Thank you again..

Also can I find "Surviving an Affair" in any bookstore?

Luv -

Just wanted to add my 2 cents - I was 2 months pregnant with child #4 when H left - I had three boys and #4 was - low and behold a girl.

There was a thread on this forum about 6 months to a year ago when someone's wife was thinking about getting an abortion - I'm sure that you could do a search with the word abortion and itwould surface. It sparked a very heated discussion on this board - to say the least, but the reason why I mention it is because at the very end, his wife decided to go through with it and he gave her reaction after the fact - and it was not a good one. Just leading you to some info. from someone who has been there and done that.

Anyway, I have to say that although I was not happy at the thought of raising 3 children and a newborn by myself, I have learned that God does provide - no we cannot do this alone, you are right, but that's why we have God, and well, He wants us to trust Him.

That baby girl has carried me through some of the darkest moments of my life, and I would never have been able to make it through the pain - that you are currently going through and will go through - without her. God know that I needed her to make it, and I thank Him everyday - because there was NO POSSIBLE WAY that I could have gotten pregnant with the circumstances that surrounded her conception. As far as I'm concerned she's another immaculate conception practically -

and you cannot predict what will happen in the future with your husband - MANY husband's have returned after the baby is born because they love it so much -and heck - your husband can't even be sure of what he is thinking about at this moment - even if he says he knows - he doesn't really.

I've been around for a while and I've seen the way people's mind's change.

It does happen.

You are in TREMENDOUS PAIN, and I know EXACTLY what you are going through right now, because I've been there.

However, I can also tell you that you may be giving up one of the greatest blessings to ever come your way, expecially in this time of need. Sometimes God knows what we need even better than we know ourselves. Trusting is EXTREMEMLY HARD, that's for sure, but it's not impossible.

And no matter what your husband says to the contrary, of course HE doesn't want you to have the baby because then HE has to support it, and HE is trying, at the moment to try and run away from his responsibility in ALL areas of his life.

Jsut know that the future is NOT SET, and no one really kows for sure what will happen, except that is will be ALOT harder to reconstruct a marriage after having an abortion, and what if there were complicaitons or something that prevented you from ever having another child - at least in my state you can't even sue the doctor for medical malpractice. I just worry for your health- physical and emotional and mental. It's a bigger deal than people make it out to be. Make sure too that you have a therapist standing by to see you.

I know your pain and wish I could take it away. Lots of (((((((((hugs)))))))))) going out to you tonight and many prayers too.

K

I didn't mean adoption is an good option compared to keeping the baby; but it is a good option compared to a termination of the pregnancy.

I didn't mean adoption is a good option compared to keeping the baby; but it is a good option compared to a termination of the pregnancy, not least because it helps you not make a rash decision within a difficult ans short period of time and allows you to choose to keep him at a later point in time.

<small>[ November 08, 2002, 04:48 PM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>