UH has initiated NC with OW for two weeks now. She in turn has not attempted to contact him.

He has seemed at a very low ebb and quite edgy ever since however.

Although he says he is now committed to working on the M and does not want to see her again, he still seems a little disconnected and depressed.
I find it hard to know whats going on in his head as he seemed very besotted with this OW, whom he had an EA with for a year and a PA with for six months.
Though hes denying the A meant anything to him

Does the WS mourn the loss of the OP for a period of time after the breaking off of contact?

What signs should I look for? And how long will this last for?

What you are experiencing is normal. If it wasnt for this site I would have been completely lost and in the dark when my FWH went through this phase.
Your H is experiencing withdrawal and it isn't easy on the BS and I'm sure it is far from pleasurable for your H.
An A is like a drug, it is a fix and after each fix you can't wait until the next time. It is very addicting and you feel you can't live with out it. Then when it is cut off (just like a drug) withdrawal sets in.
I'm not so sure it is the OP they mourn so much as the fix they were getting that is no longer there.
Your H's thoughts and feelings may be very confusing at this time. He needs his space to go through the motions and clear his head. All you can do is be there for him, try not to be judgemental and angry ( it is hard ). Take time to look after yourself which can help take your mind off him.
The time it takes for this to clear is different for everybody. You need to be patient. There are a lot of wise and compassionate people here that can really help. People who have experienced the same things, so your not alone.
All the best
Daisy.

Thank you for your response. I had not thought of this behaviour as an addiction before, but this has given me food for thought

thanks
A

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Amelie26:
<strong>

Does the WS mourn the loss of the OP for a period of time after the breaking off of contact?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it depends on the individual WS. By the time my husband made his final decision to come home to be with me he was totally sick of the OW. Even if we'd gotten divorced he wouldn't have wanted to be with her. She also pulled whole "Fatal Attraction" bit that definitely didn't give him the warm fuzzies for her.
I think the WS is much more likley to mourn the loss of the OP if the OP breaks it off or the WS feels froced to break it off through discovery.

My UH just started no contact with the OW. I am not sure if I believe he will stay away from her, they were close friends for so long, I imagine it will be very hard to just let go. I am curious if you believe he is staying away from her?? (Amelie 26)

I am concerned that that addictive part of the affair, has such a strong pull for them, just like drinking is for alcoholics. Do you feel like you can trust him, that he will not contact her??

I can use all the help I can get, if we are in similar situations, we could support each other. Would that be at all possible? Dazed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi.. as the FWS .. i can also lend a thot or two for you.

An affair is kin to addiction. The person who is "addicted" promises themselves they wont ever do it again... never contact the OP again.. never.. and tey mean it. They really do. at that moment. until the moment of weakness. Until that craving comes back for that attention.. for that rush.. for that 'high'. and again.. the cycle begins again.

I can honestly say that i no longer have any kind of interest in OP. AT ALL. The "cravings" are gone. How? well.. a sincere honest boundary making of my own, some emotional needs being met and some real work of becoming someone i can be proud of.

I konw for a long time.. geesh. it has been 2 years of NO CONTACT. WHOOHOO!! i craved the OP.. but i made a promise to myself that i would never put myself, God or my spouse or my children through that again.

Withdrawals are bad. ever see them on TV? they are also very normal. just keep loving him and allowing him the space to "mourn" because until he does.. he cant become the man u need him to be.

good luck,
mercy

How about looking at it as a mourning of the loss of ENs being fulfilled instead of the OP themselves. I think my H was feeling sorry for himself because he was going to miss the ENs she fulfilled. Then when he started having those ENs fulfilled by me, mourning was over!! There was nothing to mourn anymore. The fact remains that it wasn't that the OW was so great, it was how they made the WS feel about THEMSELVES (As are selfish things you know!) The OW in my case could have been anyone - she wasn't the only option out there to foot the bill. As a matter of fact, there are so many things "wrong" with her that would never fit with my H in a long term relationship that the fact that they ever managed to have an A is almost laughable. The fact remains she filled ENs that I had long ago abandoned filling for him. So my job now? Keep on top of his ENs. Not jump at shadows every time a pretty woman comes around (consequently the OW was nowhere near pretty). I must keep his ENs fulfilled. And I HAVE discussed all of this with him, and some of it even comes from his side, so this is WS verified and approved in my case. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ November 05, 2002, 11:50 PM: Message edited by: jamup ]</small>

Thank you all so much for inputting:

Dazed: Yes my main worry is that he will not be able to stick to NC, or that he may be able to for a while but he will become disenchanted with the hard work involved in rebuilding and relapse.

Like you H was in an EA for a long time with OW before going PA, so I imagine there are emotional bonds to break as well.

Alson they share a big set of mutual friends - so even if both he and she respect NC 'directly' there is always the danger of overlap, ie they hear about each other via mutual firneds and that fuels curiousity again.

Mercy: thanks for the view from the other side. I guess its good to know that if the H resists the pull for long enough the addiction starts to wane and life can resume again.

Can I ask - did you lapse during this recovery time at all? Did the OW? Or was it total NC from day one.

ALSO>>>>
Can I ask all of you (or any other builders who read this) did H make a NC phone call to OW to let her know formally that it was over? Was that difficult for H to do? If you are W did you write the message together and listen while he phoned her, just to make sure?

I have read a NC letter on this board and wondering if that should be used or whether H should say whatever he feels he wants to say?

thanks
A

My H had a really difficult withdrawal period. It lasted several months and during that time he wouldn't kiss me or be intimate with me even though he claimed he didn't want the D he initiated on me. He said 'he needed to wait for his feelings to come back for me.' It was quite a hurtful time for me needless to say. I spent alot of time with my friends to get the comfort and emotional support I needed. Thank God I knew this was normal acccording to Dr. Harley. My H's A had a strong emotional component and that made the withdrawal period harder. I just tried to treat him like a casual friend rather than put pressure on him though I craved affection.We went to counseling for a year and it wasnt until he admitted to the depth of what he had done that we could begin to heal the damage. Eventually his feelings came back for me and we have renewed our vows recently. So recovery IS possible. Patience is KEY! Take care- lifeismessy