O.k I have been reading How to survive an affair.Some may already know my story,but I'm so confused !!
My WS is very moody he wants to work things out one day and the next he's yelling at me.He has many issue's abuse,drugs,and affairs.I ended up moving out and he has supervised visits with son.Court ordered,I know I know I need to get rid of him he is way out there...but until the divorce IS final I can't Totally stop trying at least.
He just called ,when ever i'm nice he gets angry.He's always trying to bring up things to justify why he left us.And if I don't say ya I agree....he'll start yelling and hang up on me.
He said I made him go and have an affair(My response I'm sorry for not meeting your EN the way I needed to,I would like to do that when you give up the OW...but you decieded to walk out on us,we didn't give up on you).
He says You better believe I'm walking away look at all the bills you left me with.Paying most of the bills must be a EN... just joking!!

How do you respond when they start yelling at you??? I want to Try doing plan A for a week then start PLAN B!? What do you think???? I know I'm crazy he's a jerk....i just need to feel like i gave it my all 200%

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BetrayedByMyBestFriend..
I don't know everything about your situation. How long you are in Plan A, etc.. If you yell back then you will be doing some major LB. Do your best to hold your composure and just let it bounce off of you. I know it will be hard but you need to take the high road and let your WS take the low road.
None of this is over until it is final. Keep trying if you still have enough in your love bank. Only go to Plan B if your love bank is becoming close to empty. Don't resort to the level of a WS. Become a better person and that will show to other people including your WS. I know it is hard but keep going if you think you still want your marriage to work. Good luck...

Betrayed,
Try to keep this in mind. When a person acts angry towards us they are using a protecting behavior. It is the only way they know how to "protect" themselves from their feeling of loneliness and emptiness. If you can recognize this and understand it then when he does yell at you, you won't take it personally and you will be better able to handle it. I know that is difficult to think about when your being told all sorts of things about how bad YOU are. But it is their inability to be truthfull about themselves and their overall fear of being accepted and loved that makes them feel this way.
When my Wife used to yell at me I would fire back. But now, I just realize she is empty and alone and is trying to protect herself. My behavior has changed towards her dramatically, and I have attempted to love her unconditionally. She doesn't yell much at all anymore

And, I smile a lot more. I don't think we will save the marriage, but I have grown, I think. And I am a bettter person.

If the anger becomes abusive then you have every right to protect yourself by getting away from it.

HW (formerly TORO)

confused_guy ,happinesswithin Thank you for your response!!!
I'm letting his verbal attacks bounce off of me.When I don't respond he becomes more verbally hurtful.I'm praying he gets to the point where he will want help for domestic violence in the past,drug use,and for the two affairs he's having right now.
I live at my parents house he comes over to to his son here...court ordered.And when I see him or when he calls I am nice/trying to fill EN.
I haven't been bringing up the ow..but he keeps telling me he doesn't care about them...flat out said he's using them!!
He stopped by today for 2 hours...longest he's ever been around here.Since I left our place in Sept2002...after him forcing me out and our son out.
I let him do a load of laundry and we walked our son to the park.
All he wants from me to be even friends with me he says is MOney,and for me to let him have our son every other weekend!!
Are these EN?
Why should I pay for bills when I don't live there after him asking me to leave..while he's sleeping most of the time over the two OW's places...and having them over there?
And letting him have our son every other weekend...when I have no clue if he'll snap at our son!!??
If there EN I can't fill them to risky.
He aked me what I was doing for thanksgiving...i asked him what he was doing but..his reply probly spending it alone(more like with one of the ow)..but I envited him for dinner with my family.
Just trying to be upbeat,welcoming when he comes....but he always shoots me down until I fufill those things he wants nothing to do with me.But wants to all of a sudden do laundry here!!
I'll offer him food while he's playing with our son he says you'll probly poison it.
I just blow it off.....I'm not kissing his butt..but I am listening to him talk about life incouraging him admiring what he's working on.Trying to fill EN.

But I don't want to be a doormat either.So Plan B looks like it will be coming soon..he's using all 3 of us women....and frankly I feel he wouldn't want to do that work it would take to fix things.
Let along his 3 BIG issues.
I hate the sin but Love the man.....Feb our Divorce is final....what do I do what do you think????????

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here is what I said to H when he was angry and yelling at me

"I am sorry you feel that way, I will talk to you later".

then either hang up the phone, leave the room, whatever, just get out of the situation to keep you from LBing back, it confuses them!!! Then they are just suffering in their own anger!!

then either hang up the phone, leave the room, whatever, just get out of the situation to keep you from LBing back, it confuses them!!! Then they are just suffering in their own anger!!


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Thank you i'll try that one

Mary,
I have to comment after reading your posts. I don't know if you have read any of mine? family site

Anyway your husband or STBX---NEEDS some real long therapy......he has serious issues....not you.

Anyway, sorry to hear your husband isn't willing to stop what he is doing for his family. What a shame!

Just for your self-esteem....I visited your pics.....you have a lot going for you, don't get down on yourself. You are gorgeous and you seem like you got a great heart and look at that beautiful son of yours! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You have a lot going for you and it will get better. You will find someone that you will become friends with and will treat you like you DESERVE to be treated.

I learned my lesson.......and I lost my family for it as a result, but look out next woman!!! I am armed with so much knowledge on relationships she will be the HAPPIEST woman on the planet! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Where is it that the women out number the men!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> JUST KIDDING!

Ever in Iowa stop by my restaurant for a cold beer on the house!

I don't go for that remarry after your son is 18!!! Why???? That's life. You'll be 42 then??? You want to start a life at 42??? God not me......

Hey AlanArthur

Loved your Family Web site your Wife is so Pretty,And the kido's adorible!!!!

If I ever go through Iowa I'll stop by <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I could alway use a drink
Michigan is the place i'm tellen all men Women aRE PLentyful here.....But Thank you for your kind words.

Mary,
No problem. Kind words come easy for me lately with everything going on. Terrible pic of wife on site......don't have any current ones. I had to use a copy I got off a dating site she was on!ouch <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Anyway it sounds like you have been through a little more than me. I wish my wife was more forgiving and willing to work on things like yo are in midst of everything. I guess she doesn't realize or care to realize that everyone has the ability to make lifelong changes to themselves. As I said watch out next woman (although don't want any other woman right now)! I have learned so much. I wish I had known before all the resources out there.

Hey, like everyone else if you would like to chat I have yahoo IM (alanneila) or MSN IM (yankeebluebbq@hotmail.com) I love to chat to others going through these things (wish we weren't, but it is great to get advise from others!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Keep positive and trust God to help you......you have other purposes--like that little boy! His name?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I'm steaming right now....really need to vent!!!!

My parents live(were i'm staying) down the road a few miles away from our old home.Ken and Marcy normally Tan at another tanning place closer to our old house.Well,I walked into my tanners and the OW was sitting waiting for my husband to get out from his bed.The lady at the counter asked if I knew Ken(since our last name was the same).
I said yes it's my husband(Marcy smirked)...The gal was like Really!?
Ya were in the middle of a divorce because he's cheating on me with her over there and another girl......Becareful he may try to pick up up next!!
Marcy's smirk stopped <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
She asked me if I wanted to see him since he was just coming out...I said No thank you,it would be a waist of my time he's an idiot.
Before coming in I saw his car...thought it was his new sports car,But thought I was seeing things...since he claimed he was in Chicago this week.Caught him in yet another lie...he told me the car was not going to be titled in his name until After the divorce that way I couldn't have it.Well it's got his tags on it!!!!!!! I'm gonna go after it now
He called me on his cell and was all nice to me...but I did some big LB,I couldn't hold it back.I asked him to pick which place he was going to tan at because I didn't want to run into him and @###%$%$#$#$%!!!!! And how dare he Lie to me about the car...then I hung up on him.
He has two cars I drive my parents....I have our baby.
WHat a butt head!!!!

Hey Alan,

and everyone my insatnt messagener is Mommytokieran Aol

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I'm starting to write my plan B letter,I'll post it before I send it to him.Should I send it through the mail or give it to him?
I'm just to the end of my rope.....he called me back last night.
The only thing he had to say was "Mary,I have already lost you!"
I told him no he hasn't...he needed to leave the Ow and work on us,or yes he will have lost me forever.

"what does that mean in guy talk I've already lost you?!!!!!!"
Any ideas?

Hi betrayed, I know how you feel.

It sounds to me like your h is a lot like mine. Immature and running from being responsible to fun and happy party times and girls, and not wan ting to be the husband, father- they promised to be.

Please don't be offended. I just think my h is a spoiled brat, and is blaming me for life being hard. ANd btw, I should of never gotten angry at him for all those band nights, and party times while I was home with the babies, etc. And his not being able to carry his weight financially... hey, fun is what life is all about , right? I wish.

I have a million times sd, if there were no bills to pay and no responsibilities , my h and I would still be on cloud 9- like we used to be- for quite a while too!

I think your h is angry that needs to grow up. Drugs and alcohol do not help, I know.

Have you tried alanon? I go there and it helps me get stronger to take care of me.

Being a single mom is the worst thing imaginable to me, but I am starting to see my kids grow and prosper, despite less money, etc. They don't have h's immaturity to deal with.

I pray your h grows up, mine too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I am a bit older, and my h has been through periods of being responsible and kind, oh was he mr. romantic and wonderful when we met... I was 16, he 17.

Well, now at 34, me, - he has gone another binge since turning 34 and is now 35- now I am starting to wonder about him. It used to be... I thought he would grow up by 30???

OH my. I still love this man, because of all the special wonderful times we shared. Now, is not what I want or need.

For you, good luck with whatever plan you choose. I am still plan aing, but with distance. It is hard for me. I love him, but I must face the reality that he is not being what he promised a h and a father.... and it is all pinned on me. It is all my fault according to him.

Anyway, I am now a little mad.. a phone call just interrupted me and my h just got through telling me how he sees his responsibilities different than I do... ugh.

Anyway, luck and hugs, I read your story and I thought there is a copy of my h. Mr fun music man, cute, loving women- but not responsibility.

Hugs sweetie, you are beautiful and you deserve the best.

Honey

Hi betrayed, I know how you feel.

It sounds to me like your h is a lot like mine. Immature and running from being responsible to fun and happy party times and girls, and not wan ting to be the husband, father- they promised to be.

Please don't be offended. I just think my h is a spoiled brat, and is blaming me for life being hard. ANd btw, I should of never gotten angry at him for all those band nights, and party times while I was home with the babies, etc. And his not being able to carry his weight financially... hey, fun is what life is all about , right? I wish.

I have a million times sd, if there were no bills to pay and no responsibilities , my h and I would still be on cloud 9- like we used to be- for quite a while too!

I think your h is angry that needs to grow up. Drugs and alcohol do not help, I know.

Have you tried alanon? I go there and it helps me get stronger to take care of me.

Being a single mom is the worst thing imaginable to me, but I am starting to see my kids grow and prosper, despite less money, etc. They don't have h's immaturity to deal with.

I pray your h grows up, mine too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I am a bit older, and my h has been through periods of being responsible and kind, oh was he mr. romantic and wonderful when we met... I was 16, he 17.

Well, now at 34, me, - he has gone another binge since turning 34 and is now 35- now I am starting to wonder about him. It used to be... I thought he would grow up by 30???

OH my. I still love this man, because of all the special wonderful times we shared. Now, is not what I want or need.

For you, good luck with whatever plan you choose. I am still plan aing, but with distance. It is hard for me. I love him, but I must face the reality that he is not being what he promised a h and a father.... and it is all pinned on me. It is all my fault according to him.

Anyway, I am now a little mad.. a phone call just interrupted me and my h just got through telling me how he sees his responsibilities different than I do... ugh.

Anyway, luck and hugs, I read your story and I thought there is a copy of my h. Mr fun music man, cute, loving women- but not responsibility.

Hugs sweetie, you are beautiful and you deserve the best.

Honey

just think my h is a spoiled brat, and is blaming me for life being hard. ANd btw, I should of never gotten angry at him for all those band nights, and party times while I was home with the babies, etc. And his not being able to carry his weight financially... hey, fun is what life is all about , right? I wish.
(((Honey))))
I'm not the only one with a Spoiled Musician for a husband,who thinks Life revolves around there Dream.
So you know EXACTLY what it's like band practices,late nights at the bars/nightclubs...recording clients in the studio.
That sucks...but I'm glad I'm not alone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
When we met he blew me away how romatic this man was.....it's gotta be a musician thing..ya know!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Ken will be 50 and he still will be shopping around cd's ...it's great..* wonderful to have dreams.I mean we all have a few..mine was to be a mommy...travel...marry the man of my dreams...live comfortably...be a stay at home mom.
But just like you said the minute Life happened they couldn't DEAL with it.
One month he would try the next he could careless...I know he wanted to be a family guy,deep down But not bad enough..his dream consumes him!
His Best friend is 30something and is still acting like a 20 yr old.

OH my. I still love this man, because of all the special wonderful times we shared. Now, is not what I want or need.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> It's so sad..
Anyway, I am now a little mad.. a phone call just interrupted me and my h just got through telling me how he sees his responsibilities different than I do... ugh.

Ohh no <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Fill me in....I'll look for an update on your story..or send me the link.
Do you have any advice.....he too blames me for everything!?
Anyway, luck and hugs, I read your story and I thought there is a copy of my h. Mr fun music man, cute, loving women- but not responsibility.

Hugs sweetie, you are beautiful and you deserve the best.

Thanx Honey You deserve it too..we all deserve to be Loved <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> in the good and bad times

Hugs,