Hi..

My initial story is on Just Found out.......

To Summerize, found out last wed., he says he's not sure what he wants to do. He is in military right now, 12 or so hour drive from here. I am not sure he wants to work on things, sounds very depressed. Is no longer, as far as I know, talking to the OW. Says he would me to give him space and not phone him as often, which I've been doing since Sat. (very very hard for me). I have accepted that I have a part in the downfall of the marriage...so many of the things on these pages ring a bell with me, I just always thought he was complaining about me and I never took him seriously about how critical and controlling I was..UNTIL I saw these pages and now I understand what I need to do for myself and for the marriage, if it can be saved.

So my question is this... we have talked about me visiting, or him flying home, this weekend, he says he's not sure and we can talk about it later. Do I mention it again or do I let it go? Do I let him know that I still love him? I can't really "act" it because he can't see it. I try to be supportive over the phone, ask how his day has went etc. What can I do, NOW ....to try and work on things with him?

gotta get back to work , but any advice is welcome..thanks again

MW -- First, I'm sorry you have to feel this pain. As a military member myself, my heart especially goes out to anyone trying to have a successful marriage while being associated with the military, even as a spouse. It's hard, and even harder when you're having problems.

Second, you said you've read the site. Suggest looking up info on Plan A/B and going from there. I've not been in the situation where my S was undecided, so I can't give you much useful advice. However, I can add that the words on the main site -- not just the forum -- are extremely helpful is forming some sort of strategy and determining exactly what it is you want to do with your marriage and your life.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Hi again..

Tonight, OW called me and we talked for 45 minutes. She admitted to telling H. that she and I have been talking. She claims she is not returning his phone calls but I do not believe her. Not long after, H called asking why I am talking to her. I told him, because I wanted to know where I stand. (That was probably a mistake). H. is telling me that he has ordered divorce papers off of the net? Can that be done by just anyone? Also, added that he is thinking of starting up using drugs again. I think he is doing this to make me feel bad..how should I handle this? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Update as to what is going on.

This is the weekend that H. was supposed to go to FL to see OW. Swears he is not there. Called me on Friday, we had a good talk. I told him in order for me to trust him, I would need to contact him on a land line. Finally agreed to it.
Told me he loved me. then, calls and says he has taken duty because he will get cash for it, and is staying on base this weekend, and I can contact him by cell phone. I tell him to do whatever he needs to do. Thirty minutes later, around the time he should be at the airport, I page him to see if he indeed is there. He is. I start crying, I tell him that I can't believe he is there and going to FL.He claims he is there to change his ticket to fly home next weekend. Claims that I"ll be able to talk to him that evening. Well he did call me, about the time his plane would have a layover, onto FL. Then, nothing until the next AM. Claims his phone died.

On Sun, calls in the AM, claims the phone is having trouble charging.

To sum this up, I do not believe him. Even tho he swears he is not in FL, but on base. I reminded him, and maybe I should not have, that my friend in the airline business can pull up a flight and tell me if he was on it. He still swears he did not go to FL. He knows my friend, and knows she has friends that will help with this.

So, what should I do next...I am at the point where I don't think I care..there is nothing I can do if he did go to FL. I told my friend, that I would tell her if I wanted to know for certain. I want him to come clean. I am telling myself that if he comes home next weekend, then I will believe he did not go to FL. I just feel like, I'm so TIRED of stressing out about what he is going to do next. I want to be here for him, and be supportive, but as for questions, etc..PLUS all the turmoil of the last 11 days, I just don't feel like I can take it. I don't know..seems like I've gone from nightmare to depressed to angry to just fed up in a few days...

Any words of wisdom?

Militarywife,

What a heartbreaking development and I want you to know that my heart goes out to you.

I do think you should have your friend confirm [or eliminate] his presence on the flight to Florida. Expecting him to come clean is unrealistic. He is a man having an affair, and dishonesty is part of the package. That being said, you need to take every step to find out the truth on your own so you can have all the facts. If you don't have the facts, you will not be able to make an informed decision on how to proceed here. You have a right to know what is going on.

As far as addressing this with him,I would make sure that he understands that you DO KNOW he went to Florida and that his admission is not required. But that his LACK OF ADMISSION does not bode well for his credibility.

I would state this in as non-confrontational manner as possible and move right into Plan A. Have you read Surviving an Affair or any of the excellent articles on this website about Plan A?