I just cheated on my husband(4 days ago to be exact) with an ex-boyfriend and love of my life. A little background on the affair:
I went to another country with a friend of mine (her boyfriend is best friends with my exbf)for a "girls" trip. My H knew that I was going on this trip and that my exbf would be showing us around. I asked his permission to go and he agreed, stating that "he trusts me even if I will be around my ex". I was supposed to be staying at a hotel with my friend but the exbf told us he would be taking us on his friends boat a few days and that we could stay there and that we would find a room when we got back from sailing. Needless to say, this never happened and we stayed at his house(my husband knew this) and the affair ensued. It was a physical and emotional affair for me. My ex broke my heart and left the country. We never had "closure" and I really took the breakup hard five years ago. I have always had contact with my ex and honestly I was never the one to initiate it. My ex would call, I would talk about very platonic subjects and then we would hang up. He would call me every two months or so. During this time, I never thought about being with him again sexually or otherwise. This trip is what brought back the old feelings I had for him---feelings I thought were gone. I think I focused on hating him for so long that was never tempted to have an EA long distance with him. The ex has changed so much (for the better) and has been in contact with me for this period of time hoping to win me back. A little late now...

This brings me to my current relationship with my H:
My H and I have only been married 2.5 years but have gotten along very well. He is a great man and I don't deserve him. He is very emotionally supportive of me.

I am overwhelmed with guilt, anxiety and depression. He always told me to never tell him if I cheated because telling him would only make ME feel better. He told me he would leave me if I ever cheated on him-no questions asked. I am living in my own private hell. I still have strong feelings for my ex-boyfriend and believe that I may still be in love with him. I NEVER thought I was capable of cheating. I can't look at my husband the same anymore and I am scared and ashamed to have sex with him. My head is spinning, can someone please give me some advice? I thought I should go to counseling and sort this thing out..My ex lives in another country and I won't see him again so this will not be an ongoing affair. I can't even understand what I am feeling right now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated..

<small>[ November 12, 2002, 08:46 PM: Message edited by: bjayfly ]</small>

bjayfly,

My first recommendation is to do some serious reading. I would recommend the articles here by Dr. Harley, and then I would recommend that you go to the book store and find Surviving an Affair also by Harley. This isn't the only book about affairs and how to recover from them but it is a good one. So do some serious reading.

I will say that if you read here for long you will see that your feelings are mirrored by many who have had an affair. You will also begin to learn what it does to a marriage whether you tell your H or not. You will also learn that you and your H can recover from an affair IF the both of you decide to.

With your permission I would like to address a few things you have said.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I just cheated on my husband with an ex-boyfriend and love of my life. My husband and I have only been married 2.5 years but have gotten along very well. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First thing you need to figure out is WHY? Why was your marriage and your H of less value than your exBF? What did you gain that made all of this worth it? You will need to come to some conclusions before you can address what you have done.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is a great man and I don't deserve him. I am overwhelmed with guilt, anxiety and depression. He always told me to never tell him if I cheated because telling him would only make ME feel better.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AGain if he is such a great man, what made you do what you did? Now the guilt and anxiety are going to be the topic for the next few paragraphs. Your H is wrong and he is right. If you could continue your marriage and overcome your guilt and anxiety it is POSSIBLE that you could remain married to him and have a decent marriage without him ever finding out. But then you would probably be a sociopath. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

He is right you telling him is going to make you feel better: after awhile. But, it is very likely the only way to have a very good marriage. Why? Because from now on you are going to have to wallup a part of you so as not to spill the beans about the affair. You are going to have to curb your passion lest you call out the wrong man's name. Your are going to fear that some day the OM will tell your H or a communication will be found by your H.

You are going to have to live in a shell and NEVER let your H fully into your heart to protect this secret. You only know just a little bit of what this is going to cost.

The basic primis of this site is "radical honesty". Harley's approach, and it does work, is that a good marriage cannot be built and maintained without honesty and communications. Now this doesn't mean run into the the living room and blurt out what you have done. You may find it better to do this with a counselor present. You must consider your H's possible reaction. But, ultimately if your marriage is to really have a chance to be a good one, you must tell him what happened and you must address why it happened. There are no shortcuts and there are no ways to do this without pain.

You may think that be keeping it to yourself, that you will spare him. Initially, you might, but he won't be spared being married to a woman that is not honest with him, he won't be spared a woman that has and will pull away from him. He won't be spared wondering why the marriage has changed in some way.

All you will do is hurt your marriage and deprive him of the information he needs to decide if this marriage SHOULD exist. It is his right you know? You have broken your vows and he has a right to decide if he wants to continue with your especially before there are any children in the picture.

So what seems like the easy and yes even selfish way (not telling), will very like turn into the most painful and expensive way to deal with this. You are not the first here to deal with this. Most eventually decide to tell. One lady, Jill, agonized over this decision for over a year.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I still have strong feelings for my ex-boyfriend and believe that I may still be in love with him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not unusual at all. Read about "withdrawal" at this site and you will see that is what you are going through. How long has it been since the A ended and how long did it last? One, last thing, the ONE person that can help you deal with this is your H. You will find it hard to resist the pull of the exBF if you don't get some sort of help.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I NEVER thought I was capable of cheating. I can't look at my husband the same anymore and I am scared and ashamed to have sex with him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hello, you don't think he suspects something is wrong???? You comments about sex alone suggest that he already strongly suspects something is wrong and what it might be. You cannot look at the man you are married to and claim to love? Don't you think he might notice this? Men aren't idiots you know.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My head is spinning, can someone please give me some advice? I thought I should go to counseling and sort this thing out..</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, counseling is a good thing, but select your counselor very carefully. Some are pro marriage and others just want to make YOU feel good even at the expense of your marriage and H. There is an article here on selecting a counselor.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My ex lives in another country and I won't see him again so this will not be an ongoing affair. I can't even understand what I am feeling right now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If your ex lives in another country how did you two manage to have an affair? Again, some details such as the length of the affair, how long it has been ended (at least the physical part, the emotional part sounds as if it is still going on). This brings me to something that many don't seem to understand. There are physical affairs, PA's, and emotional affairs, EA's. For women the EA is often worse than the PA, although the H's find the physical part harder to take. If you are still in contact with your ex, the EA continues and won't stop until you cease all contact.

Well, I have typed enough. Please do some reading and I am sure many others will be along to offer advice. My advice to you is read the articles, read the posts, and don't be shy about asking questions. People are here to help if they can.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by bjayfly:
<strong>I just cheated on my husband with an ex-boyfriend and love of my life. My husband and I have only been married 2.5 years but have gotten along very well. He is a great man and I don't deserve him. I am overwhelmed with guilt, anxiety and depression. He always told me to never tell him if I cheated because telling him would only make ME feel better. I still have strong feelings for my ex-boyfriend and believe that I may still be in love with him. My head is spinning, can someone please give me some advice? ..</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First a question for you. If your ex BF is the love of your life, why are you not with him? He must not have been so great, or I suspect you would still be with him.

Second, I'm sure your husband is a great man. Thats why you chose to marry him. Guess what, he probably thinks you are great too, or he would not have married you. Don't you think he deserves the truth?

I think you should fess up. I caught my W having an A, and as much as it would have hurt, I would much rather have had her tell me than the way I found out.

Michael
Me 39(40 soon, yuck!)
FWW 38
M 18
Two S's
A began Jan 01
D Day Jun 01
In MC

<small>[ November 12, 2002, 07:59 PM: Message edited by: MichaelinDallas ]</small>

Hi there, bjayfly. Welcome to MB. Pull up a chair, listen to our stories, and we'll listen to yours. You may not agree with us all of the time, but rest assured that everyone will have your best interests in mind.

With that said, let me say that I could very well be your husband. I was married 14 years, and the ex-wife (exW) and I had no children.

She walked out on me on 04/27. Said she was doubting about whether or not she wanted to be married anymore. We enjoyed an excellent marriage (M), or so I thought. Anyway, even though I told myself over and over againg that there was NO way there was another man (OM), I still decided to see for myself.

Well, there was. And had been for over the past 2 years. The OM was married, with a daughter. I was devasted. Even more so that my wife's ENTIRE family had known all along. My in-laws (ILs) were just as close to me as my own family. I was beginning to enter into the biggest horror of my life.

Anyway, there are a couple of things that I would like to point out:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He always told me to never tell him if I cheated because telling him would only make ME feel better. He told me he would leave me if I ever cheated on him-no questions asked. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, if someone had asked me the day before that I found out that my exW was having an affair (A) what I would do, I would have said that I probably would have kicked her a$$ out the door so quick and hard, that she would have flown through the air 100 feet. And that was only if she was still alive.

Don't work that way.

Get out of your head what your husband (H) is going to do. He doesn't know. He may think he knows, but he really doesn't. I'll bet if you ask any betrayed husband (BH) on here, they were like me and said the very same thing that your H has.

You know what? Even though I couldn't recover my M, and it ended in divorce (Dv), I was the one that wanted to work it out. The exW didn't.

I bet you thought that it would have been the other way around.

Read all you can on this site. You will find that MOST marriages with infidelity DO NOT end in Dv. Humans are more forgiving than we think. Oh sure, if you work this out there will be times that you will ask yourself time and time again if it was worth it. Only you will know that answer.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I still have strong feelings for my ex-boyfriend and believe that I may still be in love with him </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not to sound harsh, but are you sure that it isn't just lust? If you were so in love with him, why didn't you and he marry? There is something that draws you to him, but trust me...There is NO pot of gold at the end. You must cease ALL contact immediately. Not even a quick call just to hear his voice, even if you don't say anything. You must convince yourself that you will never need ex-boyfriend (exBF) again. As long as you maintain ANY contact with him, throw your feelings out the door for your H. Because you will mask any good feelings for your H, with the feelings from exBF.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I NEVER thought I was capable of cheating. I can't look at my husband the same anymore and I am scared and ashamed to have sex with him. My head is spinning, can someone please give me some advice? I thought I should go to counseling and sort this thing out..My ex lives in another country and I won't see him again so this will not be an ongoing affair. I can't even understand what I am feeling right now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated..
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very few, if any, on here even remotely thought that they were capable of infidelity, no more than your H knows exactly how he will respond.

bjayfly, he deserves to know the truth. As harsh as it may sound, you chose to break the marriage covenant and vows that you made to him. Now, he has the right to decide whether or not he wants to remain in the covenant. You CANNOT, and MUST NOT, make that decision for him. By doing that, you are still trying to be selfish and make a decision for him, a decision in which you are thinking of your best interests, only.

We're here. If you are sincere about trying to repair the damage to your M and truly want to make this work, I can assure you that everyone will treat you no different than we would treat the betrayed spouse (BS). We are here to keep marriages together. We are not here to ridicule or punish you. You be sincere and honest with us, and we will do our best to help you through this.

Keep us posted.

Boo

bjayfly...Well, you've found a wonderful site in which to discover lots of information. READ, READ, and Read some more.

As for what your H has said about what happens if there is an infidelity: We all said it, before it happened to us. I mean really, whose going to tell their spouse that they'll forgive them for cheating when it's never happened? It's a gut reaction on what we believe we would do, but stats show that few marriages end because of an affair.

I'm not going to tell you that you must tell your H about this weekend. BUT, know this, if it's likely to come out in any other way, the kindest way is from you. Expect anger, sorrow and a lot of confusion on his part. His emotions will be all over the place and he may be incapable of controling them for some span of time. This is normal for the BS.

You situation sounds a whole lot like finding yourself at the end of a relationship with no real closure with your exBF. So, you continued to wonder that famous..."What if?". You very likely had a little "left over" passion. You may have experienced that wishing to know what would have happened if "I" had taken another path in life. Something we all wonder about from time to time.

You focused on hating him so much...Now why is that? Somehow, I've got to believe there were some not so good things about him that you are now trying to discount in the face of what happened. Has he truly changed, or have you? You haven't spent any extended time with him in a long time, you can't know if the changes are real and from growth or just words whispered over a phone line. Don't lie to yourself, they are the most damaging lies of all.

Lets say that you do still have feelings of love for this exBF. Really, that isn't so unusual. We can continue to loves those we have loved in the past, but it is what we do with these feelings that count. And often it is the woman you used to be who still holds that love, not the woman you are today.

Do you love your H? Do you want a life with him? Do you want a family with him? Is the love you hold for him a healthy one? If the answer to any of these questions is "yes", then get your butt in gear and start working on your marriage. If you put all the energy into your marriage that you have been, plus all the energy, thought, emotions you've been putting into this other relationship...you and H will be fine.

Since this OM is in another country and you won't be tempted to continue this, think very carefully about cutting all contact with him. Contact with him will only continue to confuse you and leave you with feelings of being selfish, of lying, and betraying. Don't continue to do this to yourself.

Good luck on your healing path.

bjayfly,

One additional thought since you edited your post. Think very carefully about your OM. He has known you are married for a long time, yet he has had no problem keeping you on a string all of this time. No problem taking you to bed when you came to visit. No problem setting the whole thing up so that you COULD have sex with him.

Does this tell you how much he respects your marriage, your H, or even YOU?

For all of the reasons stated above you will need to tell your H what happened,but my guess is that he already knows.

You go on a vacation, and see exBF and come back not wanting to look him in the eyes, not wanting to have sex with him, withdrawn from him. He KNOWS what has happened, trust me he KNOWS. Whether he has admitted it or not, he KNOWS. You don't sound like that good of an actress or liar.

Honesty is going to be your only way out of this mess bjayfly. It really is. So do your homework, seek counseling, and then tell him.

This is a hard road but you chose it. I am sorry to say you are going to drag your H down this road no matter what you do.

God Bless,

JL

bjayfly

You need to go see a doctor and have her/him prescribe you anti-depressants because you will need to have a clear head to make some very important decisions regarding your M(marriage). At this moment in time your emotions are whipping you about like a rag doll, and the worse thing you can do is base your decisions on your highly charged emotional state of mind.

The fact that you came to Marriage Builders tells me that you do not want a divorce, despite what you did and how you feel. Please read the Harley books 'Surviving an affair' and 'His needs, Her needs' for they will help you to understand that an affair does not end most marriages and that it is very possible to rebuild the marriage into a much stronger and better relationship than before.

There are many here that were in your shoes, and are now rebuilding their marriages, and they will tell you that this is not the end of your M(marriage). They are truly inspirational people and they will give you their support and insights. I will send out a call for them.

God bless.

Agree with all others who say they also said if there was infidelity ,the marriage was over. I did too..and we are still here....BUT I would like to point something out

One of the most difficult things for me to "get over" was the fact that my H KNEW if he had an A, the marriage was over. That he stayed in the affair,after losing "control" once..and slept with the OW twice more, bothers me HUGELY. IMHO, when you KNOW you have made a mistake, you take steps to correct the mistake right away.
For him, it was like..well, I can't go back so I might as well go forward..He KNEW he didn't love her..He KNEW he didn't want a divorce. He also KNEW he couldn't tell me.Did he stop? NO..and that is VERY hard to live with...

Be prepared!!and if you can POSSIBLY explain that one,it would certainly help ME..maybe someone else too

bjayfly,

Welcome to MB. I am a FWS. I made the mistake of thinking my affair was a "take it to the grave" sort of secret. But, my H found out, and I think that was far worse than me confessing to him. As others have said, if you don't tell him, there will be a permanent wall between you and your H emotionally.

It would appear that you don't want to be with your EXBF, but do want to be with your H. If that is so, you need to find a way to tell him. It will be the hardest thing you ever do, other than cheating on him that is, but it is much better if you come clean than if he figures you out.

I regret having an affair more than anything I've ever done, but what I regret even more is not telling my H. If I had confessed we would probably be so much closer to recovery right now. Believe me, I've read so many of the stories here on MB, and it would've been better if I had confessed.

Ask me any questions you like, as I have pretty much been in your shoes. I'm off to work but will check back here tonight.

Take care,

Jen

Just learning and others,

Thank you so much for all of your advice..I have been thinking a lot about the OM and I think that what I felt for him was lust. I had a very intense sexual relationship with him and in the spirit of honesty do not have that passion with my H. My H has tried to be more romantic etc..but I really feel like there is a lot missing sexually in our relationship. I have talked to him about it, but it hasn't done any good thus far. Part of it is not his fault, as he is on Lithium which makes him tired. I have been through so much with my H-I helped him get financially stable, tackle his mental illness and overcome all of the obstacles in his life prior to our marriage. I often wonder if we did things all wrong...We met on the Internet, moved in after 2months(geography issues), building a house a few months later..engaged by month 8 and married one year to the date of when we met. It all happened so fast and everyone was so skeptical. Perhaps this is why I am unsettled in this marriage?
It is safe to say that when we married, I thought him to be my "diamond in the rough" I am highly educated, organized and driven. He is the complete opposite(has a degree in Psych), but gave me the emotional support I needed. I cried the day I got married..on the limo ride between the reception and our hotel. I told him how scared I was. I grew up seeing no happiness in marriage, as my mother and stepdad fought mercilessly when I was growing up. My biodad has nothing to do with me and has been married 3 times. I was drawn to my husband because he is very emotionally healthy, he communicates very well, and his family is a dream to be part of. After I cheated on him,(literally 3 minutes later) I cried myself to sleep and haven't been eating well ever since. My husband jokingly keeps asking me if I had an affair in PR and if I kissed any men..It is making me sick.

He brought me flowers last night(he does this often) with a card that read "Honey, I am so proud of you and so very happy to be your husband" I felt so unworthy of him...I am so very sorry that this happened and I feel like I am falling apart. I keep thinking that I should not make him suffer for this indiscretion. He is SO sensitive and has a new business to run. Why can't I just seek counseling for this and work on my relationship with him without him knowing?

I KNOW I will never do this again. I have already told the OM never to contact me again and that it is over. He understood and told me that we needed the closure and to act as it was a dream and not to make my husband suffer. I don't think I can bring myself to tell him...he is such a good man and I can't bring myself to see him emotionally crippled.
QUOTE]Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong>bjayfly,

One additional thought since you edited your post. Think very carefully about your OM. He has known you are married for a long time, yet he has had no problem keeping you on a string all of this time. No problem taking you to bed when you came to visit. No problem setting the whole thing up so that you COULD have sex with him.

Does this tell you how much he respects your marriage, your H, or even YOU?

For all of the reasons stated above you will need to tell your H what happened,but my guess is that he already knows.

You go on a vacation, and see exBF and come back not wanting to look him in the eyes, not wanting to have sex with him, withdrawn from him. He KNOWS what has happened, trust me he KNOWS. Whether he has admitted it or not, he KNOWS. You don't sound like that good of an actress or liar.

Honesty is going to be your only way out of this mess bjayfly. It really is. So do your homework, seek counseling, and then tell him.

This is a hard road but you chose it. I am sorry to say you are going to drag your H down this road no matter what you do.

God Bless,

JL</strong>[/QUOTE]

bjayfly,

Your H isn't joking when he asks those questions. He is trying to ask in a manner that isn't too offensive. Don't add lying to him to the list of things you have done. You need his help. Ask for it and you just might be surprised how he responds.

God Bless,

JL

From your husbands questions he already knows that something is not right. He suspects and probably is aware but does not want to believe it.

Why can't I just seek counseling for this and work on my relationship with him without him knowing?

There are two camps on this one. Some people, like Laura Slessinger and Joy Brown, advise the WS (wayward spouse) to not tell. They say that it only serves to aleviate the quilt of the WS. But it hurts the BS (betrayed spouse) beyond belief. They tell the WS that this is their sin to suffer in silence.. to spend the rest of their life making it up to their BS.

The other camp, MB, believes in radical honesty… that it is important for the BS to know so that they can deal with the real issues in the marriage. That over the years, the deceit will drive the two of you apart.

Which do I believe is the right approach? The first seems kinder. But I know that if I had not discovered my H’s affairs I would not have known that our relationship had such a terrible crack in it from day one. I would not have known that we had to work so hard to put things back together. Today I fight very hard to meet his needs and make sure that mine are met, and to ensure that we follow the MB marriage rules.

There is also a side of me that wishes that I never know that my ex-H had one affair after another for the entire 20 years we were together. And that my current H had affairs with 10 women for the entire first 2.5 years of our relationship. I wish I did not have to face the pain and fears I face daily.

As a person who has been cheated on more times than any one human should ever be cheated on, I feel very strongly that each BS had the right to know who they are married to and the right to make up their own mind on weither or not they want to work on the marriage. In your favor, 98% of all BS and WS make the choice to recover the marriage.

IMHO you have to tell your H, ask his forgiveness and then build an affair proof marriage. Before telling him though, read the material on this web site and the book “Surviving an Affair”. You will also want to read “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters” but these can wait until after you tell him. Be prepared to help him through this. If he’s on lithium, he’s probably bi-polar. Be careful to help him so that he does not peek or crash.

I find it interesting that you call a man who would trick you by slowly seducing you into his little trap ‘the love of your life’. And the man who is obviously a jem, a very highly polished jem.. a ‘jem in the rough’. It seems that your are seduced by excitement and call it passion. Perhaps you could use some counseling to realign your piorities so that you can learn to admire and have passion for the man who loves you instead of looking at him as someone who is somewhat beneath you. I’d venture to guess that that is the real problem with your marriage.

BJAYFLY

Believe me. He knows. Just like I knew about my wife when I made joking comments about her having a "boyfriend". She played word games with me and skirting around the issue quite well but her guilt and regret finally got the best of her and she finally confessed. What a strange feeling for me. I was devasated and relieved at the same time. Devastated because of the betrayal, and with a mutual friend no less, and relieved because it confirmed my that my inner-suspicions were correct all along and that I wasn't crazy! He must be told and don't wait for months and months like my wife did. Just when I had put all those "crazy thoughts" to rest and got comfortable again, WHAM, the real truth came out! Believe me, it's worse if you wait. Again, a part of him already knows. He feels and senses the difference in you. He must know the truth soon. You may not like the consequences, whether you stay together or not, but living in truth is far better than living in a lie! Good luck.

<small>[ November 13, 2002, 01:10 PM: Message edited by: Blind Sided ]</small>

bjayfly,

your husband already knows that you've cheated on him. It's screaming from the bouquet of flowers he gave you. He sounds EXACTLY like my husband. I'll bet he's always been very intuitive, right?

Bjayfly, he knows. So, start there. You have to deal with that. I thought the same things, too...why does he have to know? Can't I just work on our marriage without him knowing about the affair? Guess what? The answer is "nope." No degree or paycheck is going to give you the knowledge and strength to carry both burdens on your shoulders. He is supposed to be the half of your EVERYTHING. Let him in, show him your mistake, let him feel everything he is going to feel, hold him if he wants your touch, and then begin the critical road to mending the cracks in your marriage.

If I'm right about your H - if he is as wonderful as mine is - GIVE THIS TO HIM!!!!!! He deserves your undivided attention and honesty....please do this for the sake of your well-being and the strength of your marriage....

~birdie

Zorweb,

Thank you so much for your insights...I think it is only fair that I be honest in stating that my decision to visit my exbf was my own. My friend had called my exbf for help with a computer program and she asked him how much a plane ticket was to go out there...she then advised me of a special fare for only one week to go there. I had the vacation time left and agreed to go with her. My husband told me to go because he can't travel with his new business. This wasn't an intricately spun web of deception on the exbf's part and he has never asked me to visit him or to come see me. It was my own weakness that caused all of this to happen, the exbf really did nothing to enable the affair. In fact, when we checked into hotels when we were there we found that they were way too expensive and too far away from our tour guide, the exbf. When I got there and we went sailing it was me that more or less pursued him. I wanted to stay up and see the sunrise, I am the one who kissed him first. The sexual part happened 4 days into the 9 day trip. I cried myself to sleep the first time it happened and then let it happen again 2 more times. I guess I figured I had already done the damage..What a sick way to think. I am seeking therapists but none have called back yet or have any openings. I am so concerned about how to approach this. I want to tell him in front of a therapist AFTER I have been to a therapist alone and have begun to sort out my feelings. My husband is bipolar but is perfectly happy, healthy and functional on his med. I don't want him to crack either and I am so scared...

Be prepared to help him through this. If he&#8217;s on lithium, he&#8217;s probably bi-polar. Be careful to help him so that he does not peek or crash.

I find it interesting that you call a man who would trick you by slowly seducing you into his little trap &#8216;the love of your life&#8217;.[/QB][/QUOTE]

Hi bjayfly,

Welcome to MB! Listen to the other replies that you've gotten... Do you really want a marraige where you keep secrets from each other?

My wife tried to do this and did a pretty good job of it for over 10 years... but the walls came crashing down around her and she eventually told me everything. I can tell you from personal experience, that no matter how long you keep this a secret, it will hurt your H... In fact, it will hurt him even more because every day that you put this off and keep it hidden is one more day that he will realize that you've lied to him.

I always said that I wouldn't put up with adultery in my marriage... but when I was actually faced with the decision, I just couldn't give up on my marriage.

You might want to get a copy of the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. This book really helped my wife and I sort through the feelings that we were both experiencing.

You can rebuild your marriage, but it will take allot of hard work, much pain, and a commitment from both of you... The first step is telling your H.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Birdie,

Have you experienced infidelity in your marriage? I am a little unclear as to where you get your clarity from..Do you really think my H knows? Why wouldn't he just ask me seriously? The flower thing is nothing new for him..he knows how much I like them and makes it a point to always get them for me. I know he deserves 1/2 of everything, but not sure if 1/2 the pain is fair as well. I still feel that I should bear this burden myself for HIS sake. What if he is not mentally strong enough to handle it? I will break everyone's heart, my parents, his, our friends...I know I am being selfish. I need to seek counseling QUICK!

Hi bjayfly,

I expect that your husband at least SUSPECTS that something happend. It's not hard to sense when something is "wrong" in a marriage... especially if you can't even look him in the eye.

It would be much better for you to tell him, than for him to start calling your friends and asking them questions and then finding out on his own...

Just remember ...bad news doesn't get better with time.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF90

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know he deserves 1/2 of everything, but not sure if 1/2 the pain is fair as well. I still feel that I should bear this burden myself for HIS sake. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wrong answer.

First of all, throw away the "measuring" stick. Although some may disagree with me, marriage is NOT 50/50. It is simply GIVE/TAKE. Regardless, he deserves 100% of the marriage. He deserves 100% of you. By keeping the truth to yourself, how much does that take away from that 100%?

When you married, you became as "one" That is it's purpose. You see, YOUR pain is HIS pain. The marriage as a "whole" suffers. If you can manage to keep this from him, and never let it affect you (Which in turn WILL affect him), then I would bet that you would be the first. You have already said that it is affecting the way you feel about him and your marriage.

No matter how you slice it / dice it, you do not have the right to make his decisions for him.

Let me give you a word of advice from a betrayed husband such as yours; The 2 years of deceit was FAR GREATER harm than the XW's affair.

Because....You can stop the affair. As long as you never tell him, you will not have stopped the lying.

Are you saying that he isn't worth the truth to you?

Boo

<small>[ November 13, 2002, 02:40 PM: Message edited by: hcii ]</small>

bjayfly,

Just a little something here for clarity.

Do not confuse him "knowing", with him "believing". There IS a difference.

Looking back, I actually "knew" something was wrong. I just "convinced" myself that I was full of [censored]. I am sure that it made me different towards her to some degree. Then, my shortcomings justified to her that what she did wasn't all that "bad".

The cycle begins.......

You don't EVEN want to start down THAT road....

Boo