Another rambling post.....Bear with me
Just to bring you all up to date. Weds was Dday, my wife just told me she kissed the OM on a trip to PR. She said it was because she never got over the break up. She had been talking to him on the phone and had seen him once, with mutual friends prior to the trip and the A, and she had no feelings for him. She had told me about all these contacts and in the beginning i told her he did not deserve to have any contact with him on any level. But she assured me that she felt nothing for him. And i believe she did not intentionally decieve me to go on the trip.
So on weds, she tells me that she just kissed him. And it was because she had unresolved and unknown feelings for him. She admitted she dropped to the lowest of lows and that this gave her clarity regarding the marriage. She was the taker and i was the giver. She told me she was always selfish with me and did not care about my happiness and well being. She had a very short temper and would flip out over the littlest of things. But she said she was beyond sorry and that in the strangest of twists she felt closer to me than ever before and that she will change and spend the rest of her life showing me that she can be the wife i deserve.
I was upset and relieved. She gave me unsolicited affirmation that she knew all the things that i had put up with. I had resented the fact i did not feel comfortable in my own house and afraid of my own wife. But I knew in the back of my mind she slept with him. All the signs were there. So, when i asked her she told me she had sex with him once. I then freaked out and cried but never said divorce. I was a basket case and she had already showed my MB and this site and all her posts. I didnt sleep all night.
On thurs at my prodding, she tells me more gory details. I cant believe it, I am numb and in shock. I don't respond to her or want to hear from her when she calls and I cry all the time.
On Friday, we started to reconcile a little more. We go out to lunch and I say i don't want any more suprises, tell me everything. She admits that they slept together three times and there was always alcohol involved and she justified at that time that she felt she had feelings for him. He had played some mind games on her and convinced her that if i let her go on this trip and see him that I am either the most secure man in the world or i was cheating myself. (Suffice to say, I am the former.) And she knew that because as soon as she came home she grilled me about why i would never cheat even though i had cheated on all of my girlfriends in the past. I told her (as i had before) that i was younger and immature then and I would never give up that piece of mind. I would never sacrifice that ability to look my wife in the eye, and kiss her or make love to her. No moment of passion is worth that, no matter how lustful or how wonderful that act would feel. She knew i was telling the truth.
But back to friday....so she drops this last bomb on me which is much worse than the other two. I mean this was a week of total sin and disregard for me. She has broken all contact with the OM and I believe her. She says she was confused and weak and I believe her. She says she wants to be a better wife and will devote her life to me and I believe her. But Friday, I flipped out and cried. She comforted me and she has been giving me all the details i feel I need.
She's been wonderful. On Saturday, we felt we should give ourselves a break and go up to the mountains, stay in a hotel room and go skiing. It was awesome. No sex, or intimacy- obviously we're both not even close to being ready. We acted like we were on a date and courting eachother. Trying to get to know eachother.
I already feel in my heart she's making the changes. I already feel myself forgiving her. Know i'm wondering if this is a false sense of normalcy. That 4 days is not enough time for me to process the way she forgot about me and risked losing me to chase some old flame.
I'm wondering if i should spend more time thinking about them together, so I can better process it. I feel like I'm forgiving and forgetting too fast. Or maybe not.
We start MC on Mon and she starts personal counselling later in the week. I have always had a forgiving heart and a caring soul. I don't want to see my wife suffer with guilt. My giver in me wants to nurture her and make her feel worthy, like things were before.
Maybe, I'm being naive but the A wasn't about the sex. I'm so lucky because she broke all contact with the OM. We had our share of issues that lead to the A. The A happened and we lost a lot. I've lost my faith in my wife a faith that was so strong and unfaltering. I never thought in a million years she would ever do this to me.
But like she said on the first nite she told me, it took her going to the bottom of lows to realize what she had to lose. She took me for granted and now that is not the case.
I figure if this terrible A is what took my wife to open her heart to me and she's willing to change, then I'm willing to give her that chance. It would be equally as hard to go thru a divorce as it is to go thru counseling.
But I'm afraid. Of some pretty scary things. What if this hasn't all settled in yet for me and I have some more crying and turning ugly on my wife? What if she is just telling me what I want to hear and in the future she goes back to her old ways? What if I'm being too easy on her and she takes me for granted again and we fall back into our old patterns?
My heart tells me the answers to these questions are varied. I can't read the future, I can only work on today and what's on my plate today.
I've always ascribed to the adage, "To err is human, to forgive is Divine". what's Wrong with being Divine.
I'll keep you all posted. I truly believe that this site and you wonderful people are sent straight from heaven.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

PS...my wife and I read your posts together. It is helping more than you can know.

Well, to answer some of your questions...you will have some back steps. They don't call this a rollercoaster for no reason. We have lows and highs, and because of this, the highs can be very dizzy and the lows are so low you'd have to look up to see a snake's belly. Please believe me when I tell you that this is normal...for BOTH of you.

There is NOTHING wrong from starting with a beginning of forgiveness. No one has a timeline on this, it is individual and if you're man enough to forgive easily...Thank the Good Lord. It will make it much easier to rebuild.

From what your W posted (and you read) and from the talks you've had with her, my guess is that you've got most, if not all the information you need to began moving forward. So often it is a struggle to get to the point where the BS feels they've received the truth...which delays healing. But, I think you've been successful in getting around that hurdle right from the start. That is GREAT.

Yes, there is always a very real danger that we will fall back into old/comfortable patterns which are damaging. It's one reason why it's a good idea to write things down and really reach agreements on what each of you expect from the other. AND take them out and go over them every so often to see if your BOTH doing what is best for the marriage and each other.

Good Luck while the two of you travel your healing path together.

Mr BJF

Your last entry is best reason I can think of on why everyone here advocates telling the entire complete truth upfront. The betrayer thinks that they are sparing our feelings, and protecting themselves too, but in reality it is even more agonizing for both parties. With each revelation comes a new fresh feeling of betrayal and broken trust and unimaginable hurt. Just when you start to "grasp" what you have been told and start processing what has happened, another bomb drops, then another and another. It gets to the point where you don't know if it will ever stop and you don't know what you can truly believe. You will always feel like perhaps there may be even more to the story than what is being let on. So it really is better to get it out upfront and move on from there.

WARNING: I know you are forgiving and you both will be counseling, individually and together, but whatever you do, do not sweep this thing under the mental or emotional rug and try to move on from here without fully exploring all of your hurt and all of your anger. As ugly and as distasteful as it may seem to be, it is essential that you allow yourself time to process all of your thoughts and feelings. Anything left unsaid or undone now may very well come back to haunt you later on. I know it would be very easy to be highly spiritual about this and just forgive and move on, but we are humans with all of our faults and foibles, and we need to deal with our very real emotions. You will not be less of a person for doing this, nor will you be less spiritual for allowing it to happen. It is a very necessary part of your cleansing and healing process that you need to do for a successful outcome, IMHO.

And yes, it isn’t over. You will be all over the place for some time in the months ahead of you both. The doubt, the fear, the trust, the jealousy, the hurt, and the love will all be swarming around inside of you, with each taking the spotlight at one time or another. It is all-normal. Your greatest advantage is that your wife is so sincerely regretful and sorry and she really wants to do whatever it takes to make this better for you and your marriage. I admire that a lot in her and I envy you for having such a spouse. It took a lot of courage on her part to face with you with this and it is taking a lot of courage on your part to deal with it and try to heal your relationship. You can be spiritual about this by inviting God into the process of your healing efforts together, but don't let spirituality "white wash" the situation. Deal with it fully and completely, with God's blessings and guidance. That's my advice to you.

And don't worry about falling back into old patterns. Your relationship will never be the same again and now you both know that you can't put a relationship on "auto pilot". It takes work. And from what I can see here, you both are very willing to work at this. I think you two have a great chance of succeeding in this effort to save and resurrect your marriage!
God Bless <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />