I have previously posted about my WH and his continuing his now year long A whilst pretending to work on our M. I subsequently found out 4 weeks ago that it was still ongoing. There was frequent telephone and email contact for a further 10 days or so that I know of, don't know of any since and WH says none.

The thing is ,that in the past 5 days since we had a HUGE blow up 6 days ago,he has been trying very hard and it feels different from before....he has showed that he actually listened to me that night when he said he realised it wasn't a game. He has been thoughtful,considerate,affectionate,supportive of my current work issues...even spontaneously took my hand when we were walking Fri night, and actually suggested that if he gets to change his work so he gets a day off,he will try and make it the same day off as me!!!! The fact that he has even thought about it really surprised me! He is actively talking about the future,says we need more weekends away together, and best of all,this morning he put his arms around me after the alarm went off and cuddled me for a few minutes.!He hasn't done that for YEARS!

So-what is going on-is this a genuine attempt to start rebuilding or, cynically, is he working harder to conceal and continue the A? And how do I play it? I am trying to be receptive but not grateful and needy, but I do so love the physical affection! But I am determined NOT to be a doormat as I was before!

Advice very welcome please!

Deluded <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Sounds like he broke up with the OW and is wanting to make it up to you. Don't let down your guard for a few months anyway. Maybe this would be a good time for marriage counseling. He should be receptive to it now, if you haven't done so in past.

D-in-D

Sounds like a good, encouraging start... BUT, dont expect the whole situation just to change in a snap. Call me a cynic, but I'm a bit sceptical about WSes who after months - ney, years - of leading a double life "suddenly" see the light, come back to planet earth and everything is hunky dorey.

Your main question probably is: did he *really* stop contact? the burden of proof is in his court. non-contact letter, accountability of his time, etc springs to my mind.

Good luck

Deluded

Nick took the words from my mouth. Yes, it is very positive, and he is showing you with actions not just words, but he needs to send a NC letter to prove that he is no longer involved. You are right to have your suspicions of whether he could be trying to cover up - let's face it, the d-days have been numerous.

One thing I have learnt from people out there is that WSs can be very devious (thankfully I never went down that road), and you shouldn't let your guard down yet.

However, I can say, that when I was in the worst stages of withdrawal, I never let my H know. I sobbed for hours when he wasn't around, I talked to other people, I came here and got support from my MB superstars. My H never fully understood nor went down the MB route, and did nothing really for me or to understand what was going on with me. I'm not being critical of him, but as you know, he has only just accepted this past week that the feelings OM and I had were real. I just couldn't burden him with it, or let my guard down about how I was feeling about OM at all.

Glad to hear that things feel more positive for you generally.

Wishing you well from London.
Lisa

Thanks everyone.

Anncan2 your words have encouraged me and I will try again with MC even though he has refused in the past.

Nick and Lisa, I heed your warnings and will try not to be too gullible(again!). It does feel different though. Last time when I thought we were in recovery there were lots of little niggles that I ignored,thought would just solve themselves with time. For example,on my day off I would make him breakfast-nothing fancy just eggs. And after a few weeks of this he told me to stop doing it as it was embarrassing!! Easy to see it with hindsight.

The main problem with a NC letter is this-I asked H to write one and he agreed back in June.Then nothing happened and I let it go as I thought we were in recovery. Then after the last D day I asked him agin, he denied that he had ever agreed to it and said no-his reasoning was that a NC letter is not proof as he could send one and tell OW to ignore everything in it.
Also if contact really did stop 3 weeks ago then am I playing with fire in asking H to make contact with OW even if its a NC letter? And what if he refuses ?

Also re MC I have o go to Oz this week as my Mother isn't well. So can't see anything before Xmas really.
Do I make a point of telling him my concerns about him having contact with OW whilst I am away?

Regards,

Deluded <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Not all WS go through a withdrawl.
There can be many reasons for this. They find it easy to break off relationships. They were really not emotionally connected to the OP, only enjoyed having someone else when they wanted it.

Deluded

I just wanted to wish you well for your trip to Oz, and hope your mother is doing OK. If you can post when you're away, we'll all be round and about.

I think you should definitely tell H that you have concerns. Tell him you are so pleased that he is doing XYZ for you and things seem much better, but this is something you would like him particularly to do - send a NC letter. Given his history, I think this is fairly key to you feeling secure when you are away, and this is how you could explain it to him. The other thing I would say is that neither OM or I sent each other NC letters, but I just knew I wouldn't get in touch with him again, nor him me. It's not always essential, but it depends how you feel about it.

The most important thing is that of course you must share your feelings with him, but not in a needy, I'm so desperate way. It could be along the lines of "We've been getting on so much better, it's not the best time to be going away, and of course, it makes me feel a little insecure because of OW, but I know how hard you've been trying"

Anyway Deluded, hope this go well back in Perth.

Wishing you well from sunny North London.

Lisa

Thank you to everyone who has posted -I really do appreciate all your replies and am really benefiting from your accumulated wisdom. I have really been struck by how people who are dealing with such pain and turmoil and confusion in their own lives can still care about and take time to post to others....Thank you!
I will keep posting and can do so fom Oz also.

Can't believe its sunny in London Lisa-its grey and COLD here.

Regards,
Deluded

<strong>
Also re MC I have o go to Oz this week as my Mother isn't well. So can't see anything before Xmas really.
Do I make a point of telling him my concerns about him having contact with OW whilst I am away?
</strong>

sorry to hear about your mom, but enjoy the summer break down there anyway.
and yes, definately let WH know about your concerns. the temptation for him will be sooo big. cat, cream, away, and all that, springs to my mind. did you think about him joining you?

Thanks Nick-I have just posted to you on your thread at exactly the same time!

I would have loved him to go to Oz with me but he has a big conference in the US that overlaps with my trip-though he did initially offer NOT to go so as to allow me to go to Perth. But we can manage the kids with his parents and our Nanny . OW does not go to this conference and in fact has to go to another at the same time so I am ok about that. Also,right though you are about cats etc, I just can't watch him all the time can I ? And in fact he knows that the trip away is largely to see Mum but also for some "me" time out of my usual situation, so I can think about things....so I am pretty sure that, if his current efforts are serious, he will no way risk messing up.
Sigh. if only that were true!

ButI will definitely discuss it with him before I go.

Cheers,
Deluded