Well, the lies just continue. I thought things were getting better on the outside. But, on the inside my gut instinct knew something wasn't right. I found an email ( I know... major LB, but how can it be an LB if there is no love to bust) to OW that basically said he's waiting to see if he goes to Iraq and if he doesn't he's "out the door". He had already siphoned money to a new account for the divorce and made arrangements with the housing office (remember we are in the military) to move to temp housing. I was astonished!!! I immeadiately confronted him and he continued to lie and pretend like he had no clue what I was talking about. I gave him numerous opportunities to be honest and he failed. When I finally began to quote the emails, he replied with "Well, I guess you caught me." I cried and expressed my hurt to him and he still insists that the A has nothing to do with our current problems. Boy, is he clueless. I had to go out of town for the night (i'm a cheerleading coach) for a game and told him he needed to think long and hard about what he wanted. I told him I had 3 terms I needed him to agree to if he wanted to work this out. NC with OW, honesty, and counseling. He says he feels like he can't be honest with me, which totally blows my mind as I'm not the liar here. I told him if he was not home when I came back the next night, that would be my answer. Well, as predicted he was gone, packed most but not all of his stuff. It's funny that he never takes all of his stuff when he moves out. I called him later that night, even though I had said if he was gone that he would never hear from me again. We talked for about 2 1/2 hours and he went from thinking about working on it, to he doesn't know if he hasn't in him to work on the M. He suggested that maybe we sleep on it and let him decide how he feels tomorrow and we'll talk, then it was Let's give it 1 Month and see how it goes with counseling and NC. I couldn't agree to this, because one month isn't enough. He then said maybe he shouldn't have suggested that because he doesn't know if he can do that or not. He says he doesn't want to hurt me or lead me on, because it's not fair. As desperate as I am to say please come home... I just couldn't. It's becoming very obvious to me that he still doesn't know what he wants. SO, I told him that it was better that we just not talk until he knows what he wants. I said I would know if he wants a divorce if I received papers or if he wants to work on M he will call me. I guess you could say that I have started a form of Plan B. Now, I just have to stick to it and prepare to go on with my life. It's going to be soooo hard, but I just need the strength to do it. We were supposed to go to London for 5 days for Christmas and he said that was just going to be fun time between us. Whatever that means. I also emailed the OWH and told him about the A. So, I'll let you know how that turns out. I told my H that I was going to do it and he didn't seem really upset. Which I found somewhat odd. I really need reassurance that what I am doing is the right thing here. Please help and thanks for the support.

I would start first with a plan A. Make home look good and inviting to come home to. Don't take what he says to heart. Remember someone in the fog says alot of things that are not true. Be a friend and show support. I have been there for my WW and she apperciates it. The more I seem like a friend and someone who cares the more she responds to it. I have a hard time keeping my emotions under wraps at times. Just be cheerful and friendly. It is easir said thn done. I have had one false start at reconciliation. I look at it as a positive thing. I know she still loves me and at times when the fog clears alittle she wants to come home. I myself am moving closer to plan B. WW seems to be sitting on the fence undicided. But I want to show her a real good plan A first. The last thing I want her to remember is how good I was to her. That is the impression you wnat to leave before plan B.

from what you say, i'm not sure if you can afford to go to plan a right now! first priority is to protect yourself financially. if he's stealing money from joint account and making arrangements to leave you then it sounds as if his mind is already made up. go to his command! adultery is against the military code of justice and they will help you take care of yourself, maybe even get your money back. but maybe before you do that, tell him to you plan to go to his command in order to protect himself. if that doesn't snap him out of the fog, then it's a good bet nothing can in time to help you. you need to take care of yourself, and to protect your future. it sounds as if he is preparing to leave you in the lurch and you can't allow that! after all, you may not have a home if he is allowed to continue taking money that is by law both of yours out and stashing it away. that can't continue! i'm afraid that it sounds like he may be stringing you along while he steals the money that the military pays for his housing and dependents.

"He feels like he can't be honest with me." .... this is true. He can't be honest with you until he can be honest with himself.

"He says he doesn't want to hurt me or lead me on, because it's not fair." ... this is true too. He doesn't want to hurt you ... and he realizes he is hurting you.

"It's becoming very obvious to me that he still doesn't know what he wants."... this is true too.

"I also emailed OWH and told him about the A." ... good. "I told my H that I was going to do it and he didn't seem really upset." ... good.

Can you, in your mind, separate problems that your H "owns" ... and those that are your ownership?

His integrity (honesty vs dishonesty) are HIS.

YOUR integrity (emailing OWH) belongs to you.

Try making a list of the areas where you personally have not only the power to make changes, but also the responsibility to take action.

Once you separate out things you cannot control (ie; H's emotional state) ... it frees you up to concentrate on your authentic "stuff".

Your financial security is YOUR responsibility ... if you examine that situation, and decide you need to protect yourself in any way ... then it is within your bounds of personal integrity that you take appropriate action.

Your H is an emotional mess. This does not mean you are obligated to become an emotional mess as well.

You can make a choice of the ways you respond and react. Your feelings (very real and very hurt) do not have steer you to sail your ship up onto the rocky cliffs where your H is currectly shipwrecked.

Make a list of the things you actually have power over.

Blessings.

Pepper. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Thanks for the replies. To Wrngler, I had tried a very good Plan A and it failed. I was definitely a doormat. But, he still lied and lied. To everyone, I guess I'm totally skipping the Plan B, because I'm tired of the effort I've put into this and not gotten anything in return. I am planning on taking the A to his command and I have told him that I am. Of course he doesn't like the fact that I am going to ruin his career and hers for that matter. I have also emailed his mom and told her, because he said he wasn't going to tell her about the A. Part of it may be vengence on my part, but at this point I feel that the truth needs to come out in order for me to move on with my life. I will not protect him anymore at my cost emotionally. Sometimes I feel that I am not strong enough to make it through this. I have spent the last two days in bed crying. I called into work today because I felt I couldn't face the world. Accepting the end is very, very hard for me. Especially, when I feel in my heart that he will probably wake up and come back down the line. But, I don't even know that I want him back anymore. I just have to pray for the strength to do what I need to move on. Please pray for me. Thanks

One thought I had is that if he is willing to go to any kind of counseling, take him up on it. Don't put conditions on it, like he has to commit to a certain amount of time.

My H agreed to go to MC very reluctantly, but he was willing to give me that much after 13 years and 3 children. He wasn't willing to give up the A, 2 MCs said they couldn't work with him. We kept going in order to "work out the details of visitation for our children". Then we would spend all the time talking about our M, not working out the details. H gained some insight. Fortunately we had a good MC.

That said, your husband seems very young and very immature. I would hesitate to want to go on and have children with a man who has already demonstrated an inability to understand and follow his marriage vows of fidelity. It may be best to just let him go.