I know that it has been a very long time since I have posted, but I need some advice.

I have been in a "funk" for almost a week now. I thought it was just stress of my new job, but I have finally figured out that it has to do with the stagnant state of my marriage. I even tried doubling my zoloft to help, but it hasn't!

My H moved out a month ago. I had found out he was still having contact with OW in Oct. and asked him to leave. He didn't move out until Nov. 4th. Since then, we have had many good conversations, but they usually lead to him asking to have SF. I tried to keep boundaries, but the truth is: he is my H and I like having sex with him! So I slipped up about 5 times. He is very honest with me in the fact that he tells me this means nothing, that he will still be leaving in the morning and he still talks to OW every day.

Here's my problem... I am wondering what in the hell am I doing with my life??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I am waiting for a man who cares so little about me that he won't even give up his girlfriend!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> He has not shown that he wants to work on our M or even wants to decide what HE WANTS to do. And WHY am I waiting for HIM to decide??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Shouldn't he be trying to win me back? Maybe I need to decide that it is time to move on. I am not "in-love" with him anymore, he hasn't fullfilled any EN in a very long time. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I know that there is always going to be love for him in my heart, but I just wonder if I need to cut my losses and my pain and go.

I am also very worried about being able to trust him again. He has lied to me time after time. And if we did work it out, what it is going to be like the first time he tells me he has to work late? I know that this OW, he has had 3 others, is not the "love of his life", but seeing his history, who is to say there won't be another and another and another.

I am at such a crossroads right now. Half of me, my heart and feelings side, want to give him more time to get through the fog. Then the other half, my brain and logical side, wants to leave this now so I may be able to find a worthy H before I am too old.

WHAT DO I DO???

This has been going on for over six months. I did a good Plan A for the last two months. But is living apart for only one month enough time? Do I need to just hold on a bit longer? If so, how much longer?

I am taking this time to work on me. I have lost 33 lbs. and only have 22 left to go <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , I am secure in my job <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , and I am being a better mother than I have ever been <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . So why is it that I can't let him go? Why is it that there is still part of me that WANTS to make it work? Why can't I hear what everyone is telling me? It takes two to make a M work, and if he is not willing to do that, should I go?

PLEASE HELP!!!!

P.S.

Jer if your reading this, I wish I had the courage to talk with you about this face to face. But if you do want to discuss this, let me know.

Sorry, my WH reads all of my posts. Hence, the reason I do not post very much anymore!

PQ

It isn't my place to tell you what to do, so I apologize in advance if it sounds that way. You sound like you are in terrible pain, trying to decide what to do with your M and life.
You say that since he left, you are doing better in all other areas of your life (work,mothering,wt ). I think this is a clue that he is not good for you.
I understand that you love him, but having sex with him while you are on Plan B might not be a good idea...he is truly having his cake and eating it too.
Have you been to IC? Maybe an objective person can help you sort it all out and decide. You are in a miserable limbo now and are being taken advantage of (sorry so blunt).
I hope all works out for you. Good luck.

Thanks for replying Mom!

I guess I should have said that since D-day, I have been working on myself, not just since he has been gone. And I think for the past month I have been doing a seperated plan A, since we talk a lot and even do things together as a family. But you are probably correct that I should not have slept with him. I agree with you that he has his cake and eats it too, but I don't know how to fix that. Thanks again for your reply! Some weekends, these boards are very lonesome.

HUGS!!!
PQ

PQ,
I'm sorry for your pain. It is so difficult to know what to do. Maybe make a decision to decide after the holidays or a certain date? Have you done a good plan A?
I hate what you are going through and I'm thinking about you.
I wish you peace whatever you decide to do.
Can't Sleep

Can't Sleep,

I didn't do a good plan A at first. I had a lot of angry outbursts and judgemental statements. But after awhile, I got better and better. My WH did come to this site and read all of my posts, including the ones where I vented here instead of at him. So he felt like all of my actions were fake. But I can honestly say that I have done a great job for around two months.

I just believe that if living with me and being my H is THAT HARD, maybe he just doesn't want to do it. He's told me that there are things I have done in our M that I have not apologized for. I really thought I had, but I guess I should try a bit harder in that area. It's weird, I think that he is having a hard time forgiving me for these things from long ago, but I am expected to forgive his 4 affairs??? Especially the one STILL going on? I think I am starting to realize that he will never give up his secret life. I think he enjoys it too much.

I don't know... I just got done reading the updates from everyone in 2001, and it did give me hope again. What is wrong with me? I am usually such a decisive person, and now a waffle at the drop of a hat!!!

I think that you are probably right, I will wait until after the holidays to make any decisions. THANKS AGAIN!!!

HUGS!!!
PQ

Hi PQ,

I am going to be brief since I have to pick up my 2 D. All A will end after being expose to the daylight but when. You have to compete w/ OW right now so ... you have to plan A. Take this time to "fix" whatever issues that you has contibuted to this mess ... WH part is his to fix and WH won't until WH come out from the fog. I know it is very hard but BS has to be a doormat while "fixing". Until you finish address all the issues you cannot do a thing but working on it.

Hang in there ... later -rh-

Originally posted by pqstill:
<strong>Can't Sleep,

..... My WH did come to this site and read all of my posts, including the ones where I vented here instead of at him. So he felt like all of my actions were fake. But I can honestly say that I have done a great job for around two months. </strong>

PQ,

I did the same. H used to read here and may still a bit. That fako claim just shows you that they are reading and remember for each finger of blame pointed at you, 3 are pointing back at him......so really who is he talking about when he is passing out the fako accusations?

<strong>I just believe that if living with me and being my H is THAT HARD, maybe he just doesn't want to do it. He's told me that there are things I have done in our M that I have not apologized for. I really thought I had, but I guess I should try a bit harder in that area. It's weird, I think that he is having a hard time forgiving me for these things from long ago, but I am expected to forgive his 4 affairs??? Especially the one STILL going on? I think I am starting to realize that he will never give up his secret life. I think he enjoys it too much. </strong>

Yea, I got that stuff too. It came down (after many discussions) that this was another diversion to make the BS look bad so that the WS could release some guilt. I took my H to task and challenged his charges.....just like you said, 'if I am soooo bad', why didn't you leave before the A? In fact, since you say I am sooo bad, make the charge but make sure it sticks........ because I know mine can.

<strong> What is wrong with me? I am usually such a decisive person, and now a waffle at the drop of a hat!!! </strong>

REally? Nothing. Unless you are in the fog. Then you as the BS can do no right. You realize that. Accept it and then play it back.

I used to tell H that his logic must make sense in the fog because in reality it sure doesn't make sense.

Why do you feel like a waffle? Hm...... that's what a WS does and if you follow each step (over analysis by the BS), then yes, you will feel like a waffle. Stop that dance!

take care,
L.

Thank-you Redhat and Orchid! I admire your words of wisdom so much that it means a lot to me that you responded.

Well... Here is what I decided:
1) I am not going to decide whether or not to give up on this until after new years.
2) NO MORE SF with my H, no matter what!
3) Finish fixing the parts of me I need to including but not limited to my weight, angry outbursts, controlling my emotions, letting go of some control issues.

My WH came over last night to watch Sopranos (he doesn't have cable) and asked to do laundry while he was there. I let him. I don't really care if he does it, but I hear that I need to stop letting him do things like that. He was there even after I went to bed. I thought there might be a note for me this morning, and there was. It said, "Please start the dryer again. Thanks." Not exactly what I was expecting, but I have learned that my expectations are probably too high.

He controlled himself a lot better last night. Only asked for SF twice. We both can laugh about it now, since he knows that I am going to say no. But usually it is asked about 57 times, so 2 is a huge improvement! Anyway, we had a nice night and I kept my boundaries. I'm sure he probably went home and called OW and had phone sex, but I can't control that!!!

Thanks for all the help and support. I should have never stopped posting! It helps so much!

HUGS!!!
PQ

PQ,

It sounds like we are in the same fishing boat, except that my H is still at home.
I am waiting until after new years to decide to. I don't know about you but i am so tiredof the games. I want to be married for life, not just until the next one, so scary, Watch DR. Phil today if you can, supposed to be about relationships and affairs.

S

PQ- I too, thought I was letting ws cake eat too much- I have started to hold off on sf too, it seems to help my perspective as well- as I get more needy and emotional after and expect him to be like he used to be to me.... someone who loves me... faithfully.. haha on that at this point... so haha on sf too...

My ws now turns it around and says I know that is what you want to see me for, sf, he means....

I tell him no.. even though it was good btwn us.. it is not so much anymore.. things get lost without a love connection that is working ...

I hate it that they treat us like this.

Draw your boundaries Girl! Does he still have a key? Do you have a key to HIS PLACE?

I am here for you, email me too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hugs, HOney

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by pqstill:
<strong>Well... Here is what I decided:
1) I am not going to decide whether or not to give up on this until after new years.
2) NO MORE SF with my H, no matter what!
3) Finish fixing the parts of me I need to including but not limited to my weight, angry outbursts, controlling my emotions, letting go of some control issues.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If it is in the order of important ... is should go from #3 to #1. Bravo on#3, use WH as a training partner, you will come out ahead no matter what happen to this M. I am sure about#2 but it is a personal choice ... you might miss it too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> and you know darn well that OW will fillin that need <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . In plan A you should fillin any ENs if WH is willing to let you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . Bravo on#1 too, the time line is not a deadline for throwing the towel but to revisit the whole situation again for making decision.

I am pretty sure you could compete w/ OW but WH has to see it. -RH-

Hello pq -- By the time I got to your post, you sounded better. I know you've struggled with improving you and not LBing and it sounds as if you are making that happen.

It can seem like the wait is forever and that at times you feel as if nothing is happening, but if you are able to keep from LBing and you have any signs that things are getting better then just take one day at a time. You didn't mention in your post whether you thought anything was improving in your relationship with your WH.

Thinking back on your earlier posts though, it does seem that WH is noticing some of your improvements and is less angry with you for "no reason".

Don't know what to say about the SF. Mixed feelings for me. I would have had a hard time engaging in that with WH while I knew he was also having SF with OW. On the other hand, I would love to be able to meet that need for WH and it would sure meet a need for me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Take care pq.

Hi all!

I am feeling a bit better today. Got on the scales and have lost another 3 lbs.! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I guess I should make it clear that if WH was having SF with OW there would be no way I would have even considered it. She is still in Houston and they just "talk" each day on the phone. I don't really want to know what that consists of, but WH tells me with a laugh that it is mostly about work (she took over his position). He also says there is probably things they say that I would rather not know, and he is right.

I do feel that my relationship with WH is better. When he comes over and we talk, he tells me he misses me, esp. SF WITH ME not her, but that he doesn't want to go back to how we were. And I can understand that because I don't want to go back to how we were! My WH has always had a hard time making important life decisions, so I just don't know if he will ever decide!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Redhat,
I already miss SF with my WH! We were good at it!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

To all others, thanks so much! I still feel down a bit, but it is so nice to know that there are people out there willing to listen and give their support!

Thanks again!

PQ

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by pqstill:
<strong>Redhat,
I already miss SF with my WH! We were good at it!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One more big plus ... WH is cheating on OW if you do it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . I rest my case <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . -rh-

Redhat,

You know I had thought about that. But the whole idea of that kinda took away from the monment. I have even asked him if he thought of it that way. You know, since she is the love of his life and all. He got upset when this was said.

He has also told me that he has told her about being with me since he moved out. How do you think that comes up in a conversation???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I am not sure if I'm buying it, but if it were true, HOW BAD WOULD THAT SUCK TO BE HER?!?! Plus, still being married to me, he really isn't doing anything wrong, right?

Anyway, I am still sticking to my boundaries. I have a heavy heart after each encounter. When he leaves, he takes some of the specialness with him. I don't like feeling that he is only coming around for SF. I want him to want to be a part of my life, not just share my bed. And I think the more we talk and the closer we become, the better the SF is anyway. Who knows, after awhile I might change my mind on all of this. But until then, I will keep in mind all of the nights we have spent together lately and hope for a miricle!

HUGS and Good night!
PQ

Hi all!
Just wanted you to know that I am feeling much better today! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I went out to dinner with my Mom, she is SOOOOOO great! I had forgotten how nice it is to have family around! Just a quick update to let ya'll know that I'm coping!

HUGS!!!
PQ

Hi all!
Just wanted you to know that I am feeling much better today! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I went out to dinner with my Mom, she is SOOOOOO great! I had forgotten how nice it is to have family around! Just a quick update to let ya'll know that I'm coping!

HUGS!!!
PQ

P.S.
I had a illicit dream about WH last night. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Is that bad? I wonder what that means??? Any dream analysts out there? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Yea PQ! Just wanted you to know i am pulling for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> YOu are going to make it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi PQ,

Thought I would look in on you. I was going through a rough spot, so I was no good to anyone. If I would have been posting I would have been saying things I would not want anyone saying to me. My mood was so negative, and my advice would have been to all BS, screw the WS, and dump them. I'm in a better mood and have gotten back the attitude to try to make it work and be positive. It has had an positive affect on my M.

I know your H is gone, but do a beautiful Plan A. I love to tell this story about my past.

When my second child was 6 months old, my H met OW. (We were not married yet, we planned to get married when H's brother was home on leave). About a month before that happened H met OW. A month after we had planned to bet M, H moved out. Leaving me with a 21 month old and a 6 month old. I was devested. I did everything I should not have, begged, cried, pleaded, try to reason, nothing worked. (I didn't know about MB then). After I realized that that was not working, I decided to put my best foot forward. After all, who wants a clingy, crying nag. I did that for about 3 months, now I am getting impatient. Not much progress is going on. He is with OW, but coming around me. Using lame excuses to see the kids. Calling after the kids bedtime to talk to them. Calling from pay phones. Stuff like that. Anyway, now I decided, time to make a life for me and kids without him. I was tired of things being this way. His mom owned the duplex we rented. I stayed with the kids. I felt since I was moving on with my life, it was time for me to find a new place to live. So, I did. He took notice then. He was so afraid I was leaving him behind, that now, he is around more, taking me out. Two years later, we married. However, we never resolved the old issues. So, he is back with OW, or maybe they never quit. I don't know which. So, what I am saying is, do a good plan A. When the time is right, resolve the old stuff. Don't do a Plan B unless you are prepared for the worst. I did not start to move on with my life with the intent of scaring him. I was truly ready to move on without him.

Take care