</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bill Uphill:
<strong>
only discussion we have regarding her A is when I am in crisis and I don't have these much anymore. But, I have come to the point where I don't bring it up anymore partly because I have the feeling "that it's been close to 2 years, I should be over it", and partly because she just gets "icky" about it. I'll try to define "icky". She says stuff like; "I f*&%$ed up.", "I'm a horrible person.", etc. I'm sure "Radical Honesty" does not agree with my approach, but I would rather bottle up what's left than have her keep beating herself up. What else should I/we do. This is where I'm looking for help.
My questions are these:
For BS's - What do you wish or what did you find that your WS did other than just "being a good spouse" that helped you recover?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that one of the most unfortunate parts fo the aftermath of an affair is that there usually does come a point (if the WS is really trying to work on things) where the BS has to go it alone and deal with some things on his/her own, and not keep mentioning the triggers. Not everyone can do that.
I knew that my FWH was really trying hard. He was being a great husband, doing everything right to re-earn my trust, obviously making the marriage a priority etc. But I had really dark days for a long time due to triggers. So I tried to look at it if the situation was reversed - If I had made what I considered to be a horrible mistake, I accepted full responsibility for my actions and I was doing everything possible to make amends. then how would I feel if someone else kept bringing that mistake back up to me? Eventually I'd get pretty sick of it, even if I knew that the other person was right. Most repentant FWS want to put the A very much behind them and move forward, not be reminded of it for years on end. Though that may not seem fair to the BS, you can't really blame the WS.
I mean at first he was very understanding. But there came a time where I realized there were things I was going to have to deal with on my own. No amount of him being the perfect husband could erase the triggers, no matter how much he wished it could have. He was already doing everything right. Beating the dead horse will reach a point of being completely counterproductive to the marital recovery. Part of being a BS who decides to stay in the marriage means accepting the harsh reality that it takes a LONG time for the triggers to subside. The BS is often thinking about the A LONG after it's ancient history to the FWS. It's been 3 and a half years since the A ended for us, and things are sooo much better with the triggers. Lots of things that would have thrown me into a full blown depression of a day don't pahse me at all now. About 6 months ago I was actually able to go into a restaurant where I knew FWH had taken the OW. It was pretty much the only time he ever took her anyplace nice, and it was on Valentine's day. For years even the mention of that place made me want to vomit. I swore I'd never go there again. But due to a family obligation I was kind of forced to. And lo and behold once we got there I was perfectly fine to my amazement, and we had a great time. He obviously wasn't thinking abotut he OW, so why should I? I have a feeling he doesn't even remember taking her there. But for me to have gotten all weepy and reminded him of it definitely wouldn't have made for a positive and enjoyable evening for anyone.
