Okay I hope someone will have some info that can help. D-day was 16 months ago and WS still works with OW. He has tried very hard to find another job and with the market the way it is it doesn't look like it is going to happen right now. I have been dealing with him working with the OW for 16 months and I just can't take it anymore...it is too hard to deal with and is slowing recovery. H had an EA with OW....he denies a PA. I was hoping that the OW would eventually quit her job and move on, but that obviously isn't going to happen. What I want to know is this...are there any options at all that my H and I can use to perhaps get her moved somewhere else within the company? Should H perhaps talk to his boss and explain the situation? I am just at my wits end about this....the job situation is stressful for me because I hate him being around her everyday, and hard for him because he has to try and avoid her at work....please HELP!!!! There has got to be something we can do....

Bumping up for replies......please, someone, anyone...I need help. Someone out there must have a suggestion or idea to help me....

My response will sound harsh, so forgive me if it stings... but your husband needs to quit his job.

I speak from experience, as someone who's been on both sides of this thing - as a BS, many times over, and (to my horror, even still) I was an OW with a man I worked with (3 month affair, slept with him once and woke up).

I didn't quit at first, my marriage died a long painful death (and it was a 20 year marriage)... it wasn't until I met someone else and moved to be with him that I quit the job, and let me tell you, the OM had harbored thoughts we'd 'eventually' get together... long after the affair had ended. He was NEVER going to quit, that much is clear, and I SHOULD have LONG before, because *I'm* the one who felt so horrible - clearly he didn't.

So, my short answer is that if you want your marriage to succeed, you can't FORCE your husband to quit, but it will need to happen.

There are others who will disagree, and some pretty successful marriages on this board have been saved DESPITE the WS working with the OP. Very few though... and understandable, isn't it? Not many BS's can stand the thought of their spouse being with the always-perfect co-worker while you deal with the REAL LIFE situations on the homefront.

Are you in counseling? Might be something to bring up in front of the counselor in a non-lovebusting way...

Best wishes...

Also, here is a thread I wrote in 2001 about just this subject:

Why I think the WS should quit their job

Lots of others wrote too, and it might give you some perspective.

HA
I hope there is a solution to this problem. I will be watching as i am having the exact same problem. It just eats out the stomach knowing he sees her everyday. H also tries to avoid her. Or that's what he say's. Sixteen months wow i have known that the OW works with H for w months and i can't imagine this. My thoughts are definately with you!!!!!!!!!

New...
Financially H quitting is just not an option. It would ruin us...his is the only income right now. He makes very good money and we are trying to dig our way out of some serious debt. He continues to try very hard to find another position with another company...he is just not having any luck. That's why I asked if there were legal options to get OW transferred or something...she is just a secretary and could easily be transferred...My H would quit in a heartbeat if we had some significant savings to fall back on but we don't....short of winning the lottery him quitting his job is just not an option...at least not right now....But him working with her is so hard...it hurts so much.....Thanks Carolyn for the kind words...I feel for you also. This is not a good situation to have to live with...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hopeful Again:
<strong>New...
Financially H quitting is just not an option. It would ruin us...his is the only income right now. He makes very good money and we are trying to dig our way out of some serious debt. He continues to try very hard to find another position with another company...he is just not having any luck. That's why I asked if there were legal options to get OW transferred or something...she is just a secretary and could easily be transferred...My H would quit in a heartbeat if we had some significant savings to fall back on but we don't....short of winning the lottery him quitting his job is just not an option...at least not right now....</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, all I can tell you is that I said the same things, and I got divorced. See? And again, not to be harsh, because honey, I've been there... but to me, it would be better for him to quit and YOU work, than him continue with her there. But that's just me.

Legally, I do not think there's anything you can do to her... but I will say this... do NOT let your husband go to management and disclose the affair unless he WANTS to be labeled, and possibly fired. Most employers don't give a rat's butt if their employees cheat - sad, but true. Lots of times they know and turn the other way.

What *is* your husband and/or the OW doing about all this right now? I mean, do they work together directly, or what?

Did you read the link I provided? You might be interested to know that in my case, the OM GOT MY JOB when I left. He was a front office person and I was a specialist... nice work if you can get it, eh?

<small>[ December 16, 2002, 12:44 PM: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</small>

I did read the link you provided...thanks. To answer your question, my H and OW do not work together directly....It is a very large office on an air force base....with cubicles. They are clear across the room from one another.....She does not have to deal with him directly because she is not the secretary for his section. He goes out of his way to avoid her. She does not speak to him at all...at least this is what he tells me. She was pretty angry that she was dumped and he didn't leave me for her. Still, the fact that he does see her everyday is extremely painful for me to deal with. So you think it would be a mistake for him to go to his boss? His boss values him a lot...that place could not run without my H and if his boss even had an inkling that my H was looking for another job he would do anything to talk him out of it...

HA
I was checking to see how things were going with you. I definately can relate with the "Financially H quitting is just not an option. It would ruin us...his is the only income right now. He makes very good money" My H and I are in the same situation he is 44 and we have just bought our first home can you believe it? i would have thought twice about it if i had known at the time they work together.
Again can't change what has happened. I don't work outside the home my H is retired AF I had great job then. We no longer live near a base to continue my career As a matter of fact we don't live near much of anything.

Is the OW active duty? maybe she could be transferred. I know my H would like to leave his job but at our age and job being so limited and there is no way to live on AF retirement pay probably couldn't eat for a month on that.and I am a petite 100pd lady LOL that felt good...
I don't try to live above our means material things mean nothing but i would hate to give up the first home to be able to call mine, but i would in a minute to make this misery go away. Not sure my H would and can't ask him since this is what he has worked for his entire life.
It still makes me so mad that his stupid choices has put us in this situation. I know you must hurt so much and i am in no way play down your pain please believe me but thank God it wasn't both EA and PA.
I have never met or seen OW we didn't attend the Christmas party there this year as i was concerned about facing her for the first time and didn't think that was the place. I also can't enter there place of work as it is very tight security.
This year is finally almost over and the new one has to be better. That is what im counting on. Take care and i'll be checking in.
If anyone can give advice on how to deal with this they will be killing two birds with one stone.

I'm going to sound a little harsh as well, but that's probably because I heard the same thing from my FOM's BS. Exactly, her words were: "Leave our church (which I have been a member of with my H for over 10 years, they had been there for two), leave the area and, oh yeah, stop breathing." I don't know if you've said anything similar TO the other woman herself, but you pretty much said you'd like her to be transferred or quit. Well, here's my thought on this (and please keep in mind, I've been the BS and the WS):

It's not her responsibility to quit or leave. Your husband was equally responsible for their affair and HE is the one who is responsible for rebuilding your marriage with you. She is no longer a part of your lives and to try to get your husband to get HER moved is not only somewhat ludicrous, it's wrong. You're sucking her back into your lives. If you are uncomfortable with your H working with the FOM, it's he who needs to leave.

You said that the market wouldn't support your husband leaving. I sincerely doubt that there are NO jobs in the United States that your husband could take. Maybe it requires a paycut. I see that you said you are working your way out of debt, but perhaps you need to consider a Consumer Credit Counseling Service or something and just take what's out there. It may not be fun, and no it's not fair that your family might further suffer because of their actions, but that's life. What's more important? The same financial status that you have now, or a more secure marriage and family life???

You asked if there was any legal way to get your H's FOW to be transferred or leave her job. No, not really. She has as much legal right to work there as your H does and unless your H has been SERIOUSLY harrassed by this woman; going to her supervisor to try and get her moved is probably only going to make him look really bad at the end of the day. It will most likely make his employer question him both morally and ethically. I mean, after all, can't he keep himself in check long enough to focus on work only at work??? That's not only my thought, but when I told my H about it (who is in a supervisory position in his career), he said that's about what he would think. What's to say your husband's boss wouldn't think the same way?? Also, you say that she's "just a secretary." But just as your H's job is important to ya'll, so to0, I'm sure, is her job to her. I know you hate her, but she didn't trap your husband into doing anything that he wasn't 100 percent willing to do. That's kind of a harsh reality to face, but it's the reality of it just the same.

I understand the pain that your feeling. My H had an affair with his boss some time ago and I'll be honest with you, it burned me up every time they saw each other (and they saw each other for years, right up until a few months ago when she moved out of state). But while I didn't want them working together, I guess I just understood that in the end, whether or not she worked there would not make him faithful to me. She'd still be in the same area, part of the same company, etc. He has to want to be faithful; and if he is really committed to that, then noone will make him stray. If he's not, it doesn't really matter where she's at. He'll cheat. Going to their Director and telling him about their affair wouldn't change anything, except perhaps to make them both look somewhat morally lacking. I did have my H change departments, however. I felt that since she was his direct supervisor, it was the only way that him being at that company would work for ME. His buddy had a job opening in another department and I asked him to take it. It would not only enable him to be in a different department than HER, but it was also better for our family financially (but even if it had been a paycut, I would have been all for it). Anyway, he did. There's a lot more to that story, but I guess that's all that is applicable here.

Bottom line: if them working together is a problem for you (and I can understand why it would be), he needs to make the job change. If that requires moving somewhere else in the U.S., or the world, then think of it as a small price to change for familial stability and try to think of it as part of that new life ya'll are building together. Otherwise, if the two of you decide to stick it out, then you need to find a way to suck it up and get past it.

<small>[ December 16, 2002, 04:48 PM: Message edited by: TheStorm ]</small>

Carolyn,
Sounds like we have a lot in common. My H is retired Army...he works as a contractor at an air force base. OW is not active duty...works for the same company as my H....the working together thing is so hard to deal with....Hang in there....better days have got to be ahead...

Storm,
You make some good points. I do dislike the OW very much. I guess she has as much right to her job as my H has to his. I know she is just as much to blame for the A as my H. You know other women in my situation have gotten the OW fired. I do not want her fired. I am not that cruel or vindictive. I am sure she needs her income.I see nothing wrong with wanting her moved to another office...If there were a way for my H to switch departments he would do it in a heartbeat. He is still actively looking for another job and I pray he finds one...soon. This is not about me not wanting my H to quit and take a pay cut because I don't want to give up my lifestyle...we are not rich. A pay cut wouldn't bother me...but it also would make us very unable to pay our bills. I am not willing to totally ruin our credit...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hopeful Again:
<strong>
You know other women in my situation have gotten the OW fired. I do not want her fired. I am not that cruel or vindictive. I see nothing wrong with wanting her moved to another office...If there were a way for my H to switch departments he would do it in a heartbeat. He is still actively looking for another job and I pray he finds one...soon. This is not about me not wanting my H to quit and take a pay cut because I don't want to give up my lifestyle...I am not willing to totally ruin our credit...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, well, my point was that you have no right to have her moved to another department. I'm sure there are other women who have gotten the OW fired; but you know, they're kinda playing with fire. Not only is that not a justifiable reason to fire someone (unless the company has a "no fraternizing" policy), it's also a good way to get them BOTH canned. As far as not totally ruining your credit, chances are, if you have a lot of debt, your credit score isn't that hot anyway... and again, what is more important? Your marriage or your credit? Your credit will, worst case scenario, renew itself in seven years. Can you say the same for your marriage???
There are services out there to help people in your financial situation. Consolidation services, CCCS, etc. Once your move has been made, then you can consolidate and find payments that you can afford... I believe CCCS works on a sliding scale.

Bottom line, you can't have it both ways. You can't say this person has no place in your life and then meddle in hers. Which, if you have her transferred, you would be doing... IF you could have her transferred, that is. If your husband working with this OW is that big of a deterrent in your marriage, then you two need to get out of dodge. Everything else will sort itself out.

Okay....I have counted to ten and taken a few deep breaths before I reply to you Storm...I must say you seem to be speaking as a WS and not a BS and seem to lean toward the OW's side of things...that is how it comes across anyway. First of all, let me say that even though we do have debt...we have an excellent credit rating. I guess I should have been more explicit since you make a lot of assumptions. Our debt is not overwhelming, my H makes good money and we are able to pay our bills....and have plenty left over but a pay cut would make us fall behind....and ruin our credit. Secondly, you say I have no right to meddle in the OW's life...well, maybe, but she meddled in my life when she tried to break up my marriage....I suppose that is okay though, right? She is married herself...if I really wanted to meddle in her life I would have told her H about her A with my H....perhaps I should have....and watched her little world crumble like mine did 16 months ago....but I didn't do that...Like I said...I am not vindictive. I don't have the time or the energy to write and explain the many details of MY particular situation that makes a lot of what you said not relevant to my particular case. I appreciate your opinion but I do not agree with you. You sound like you are defending the OW....and I am just not interested in hearing anyone defend her or explain her "rights." She didn't care about mine.....I apologize for being angry...can't help it though.

HA,

I can absolutely understand your wanting the OW out of your husband's office. The last of my own husband's "inappropriate friendships" is still sitting right outside his office door each and every day, and I don't have to tell you how that feels when he leaves for work every morning.

But there is nothing I can do about that. I learned long ago that if people want to lie and cheat and play around, they'll do it no matter where they are. We moved 2500 miles across the country, leaving behind Thing One. He hired Thing Two eight months later. Nothing changed, because this was *great* fun and he saw no reason to change.

The point is: it's your husband who needs to take responsibility here. You are already know the OW is a worthless liar who will do anything to protect her own butt. Why do you want to put your marriage in her hands by waiting for her to do the right thing and leave her job? You should know by now that it will never happen.

Your husband is the one who needs to do whatever is necessary to reassure you and put your marriage back on track -- assuming that's what he really wants. If he wants her out of his life, she'll be out of it even if she tries to camp out on your doorstep. And if he doesn't want her out, she'll still be there no matter where her desk is.

Make HIM clean this up. Not her. HIM.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hopeful Again:
<strong>Okay....I have counted to ten and taken a few deep breaths before I reply to you Storm...I must say you seem to be speaking as a WS and not a BS and seem to lean toward the OW's side of things...that is how it comes across anyway. First of all, let me say that even though we do have debt...we have an excellent credit rating. I guess I should have been more explicit since you make a lot of assumptions. Our debt is not overwhelming, my H makes good money and we are able to pay our bills....and have plenty left over but a pay cut would make us fall behind....and ruin our credit. Secondly, you say I have no right to meddle in the OW's life...well, maybe, but she meddled in my life when she tried to break up my marriage....I suppose that is okay though, right? You sound like you are defending the OW....and I am just not interested in hearing anyone defend her or explain her "rights." She didn't care about mine.....I apologize for being angry...can't help it though.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand your anger, this is a very emotionally charged situation. Let me make one thing crystal clear: I'm not interested in defending either side, the BS or the OW. I'm interested in giving you advice on ways to improve your marriage. It's not about who has the right to do what or who greater injured who and why it's ok to do what. None of that really matters and so I see it as superflous information. Since you asked is it ok, I will answer, "Of course it's not ok that she had relations with your husband." Then I'll follow it up with something I tell my children and myself every day, "It doesn't matter what someone else does to you, you are called to act in a certain manner and it's not to 'get even.' " Now, had you come on here asking about your feelings regarding such... that would be a different story. But you didn't ask for empathy, or for someone to agree with your take on things, you asked for advice. And I gave it to you.

Whether your credit is good or bad, I'd like you to take a moment to see what is coming across the screen: your credit rating is more important than a healthy marriage. Can you see where one might conclude that?

Again, I'm sorry if I offended you, it was certainly not my intention. I've been in your situation though, and I just wanted to offer you some advice because I empathise with you. If I'm not allowed to do that because I was once an OW, then please forgive me for intruding.

<small>[ December 17, 2002, 01:22 PM: Message edited by: TheStorm ]</small>

First let me say that our credit rating is NOT more important to me than my marriage...no matter how it may come across on the screen. That is the problem with these message boards...you can only go by what is written and I am not always that great at explaining things. Let me also say that this is not about getting even or who did what to whom first. This is about pain, pure and simple. It hurts me that he sees her everyday...it is hard to live with. He is trying very hard to find another job. That is what we both prefer. All I was ever saying was that if he is unable to find one was it possible to have her moved...and I guess I did expect some empathy, even if I didn't ask for it...I guess I will continue to have to hurt and deal with the coworking situation until my H finds another job.

Hey Hopeful Again,

Let me apologize to you, please. I am really not the best when it comes to empathising with people- I never have been. I am sorry if I sounded harsh or uncaring... it's not the truth. If I didn't care, I wouldn't have posted. I do feel for you deeply; it's a terribly rough situation to be in. Unfortunately, though, there's not much you two can do except get another position in a different company.

Has your husband done a search that extends beyond your area? If so, then perhaps it's time to pull out the big guns and get a career consultant or a very good headhunter. That can often be a big advance to your career, and the new company usually pays their fees.

I'll be completely blunt with you, I didn't handle my H working with his boss very well for a long time. It, along with a friend who wasn't a very good friend (all she did was bash my husband and encourage me to do the same for nearly two years), was a huge part of the crumbling of my marriage and my own preperation for an A. Granted, the path I ended up taking I took by my own choosing, and I'm not saying that you'd ever do that... but my point is, if it's festering at you, do WHATEVER you need to do now before you two get into a situation that could possibly be far worse than what your in now. Your marriage is far more important.

As for things that you can do while you are still in this position, little things like having lunch with your husband (when you go to his work and pick him up... preferrably going in so that she can see the two of you together, in a loving manner that's not gushy or overdone), IMs to each other while he's working if he has that capability, exchanged two minute phone calls throughout the day that focus on each other and how much you care for one another... those are all things that you can do to kind of take the focus off the FOW and put it back on your marriage.

I am the FWW and I still work with the OM. I did go both my bosses and told them the whole story. Cried the whole way through. They did not judge me and are willing to talk to my H.
My H isn't ready to work on recovery yet and may never. I don't know. But I have offered to look for another job. But my kids come to work with me (school) so my situation is more complicated.

But, I say that he needs to go to his bosses and tell them.
Good Luck!

Storm,
Thanks for understanding and for the apology...I know that I got really angry and I apologize also. It is just a very sensitive and emotional thing that I am dealing with. My H has considered relocating (he would have a better chance of finding something out of state) and that is an option that we are keeping open...but we really don't want to move away from our family unless it is absolutely necessary. H is retired army and we moved around so much. When he retired from the army we came back home to settle down and I don't want to have to leave home again because of OW. So H now works as a contractor for a company at the air force base. I mean we do try and make the best of the situation. He works in a secure building and I am not allowed in so it is not possible for me to drop in on him at the office so the OW can see us together. I have never met or laid eyes on the OW...that is difficult also. It would be nice to know what she looks like...maybe she is ugly....LOL! That would make me feel better...anyway H does call and email me frequently thoughout the day...he lets me know if OW is there or not and he has promised he will let me know if she so much as looks at him. But still, just knowing that he is in the same room with her day in and day out is like a knife in the heart....please believe me when I say that I am trying very hard to make the best of the situation as it is now...I just wish it didn't have to be this way....so I will keep praying that H finds another job soon....Thanks again.

Yeah, I know what you mean about the knife in the heart situation. My husband worked in the next office over, but my husband's boss often had my husband sharing her office space! Even after I called him on the A, nothing really changed. She retired, they still went out to "lunch" every week. It was only until her 4th husband moved her out of state to be with her daughter who was AGAIN pregnant out of wedlock (her mother's response when they decided to move up there? "You just better not end up getting more than I do" Now there's parental wisdom for you).

Don't worry about getting angry... I'm not worried about it. From watching my FOM's BS, I understand that you can get very angry, very quick and say and do some things that perhaps you wouldn't otherwise say. As far as seeing her goes, I don't know. It could be good, but it could be not so good too (like if she was really attractive or something); but either way, she's no longer part of your life (even if she still is in the same building), so I'd try to let that go.

Are you a Christian? Do you have scripture to meditate on? That has been a Godsend (literally, huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) for me. The situation there is a little bit different... every time I start to think on the FOM or my H's vices (I really don't think of the old boss now unless I'm responding to someone or I read something that brings that time period back into memory), I have specific scripture that I think about. For me, I'm focusing on how to be the person God has called me to be, so I think a lot on Proverbs 31. It's been invaluable when it comes to LBing!! I just think about how it is "better for a man to live on the corner of a tin roof than with a contentious wife." That'll get you to think twice before being a snot! lol Anyway, perhaps you could think of 1Corinthians... with the "Love is Patient, Love is kind"... or Mark where he talks about not worrying... because God WILL take care of you through this, too. As horrific as your experience is, take comfort in knowing that this too, can be used for the Glory of God. And there's not a day that goes by that I don't find that simply amazing.