Hi--I'm usually in Emotional Needs, but someone suggested that I post this here......

I'm posting this question for a friend who refuses to heed my advice about becoming a MB member (she's not married, this is her logic), but she needs HELP. I have no experience with cheating, so I was hoping that someone here could give her some insight. I'll make the story as clear as I can and if anyone needs clarification, I think I can provide that. Also, I should mention that both were single at the time--no marriages.

My best friend became involved with a man 5 years younger than herself about 2 years ago. Friend was 28 at the time and BF was 25. For clarity, my friend will be known as X and her boyfriend, as BF. X was working full time and BF was going to graduate school in the U.S. full time. They spoke intimiately almost every night (weren't physically close together, separate countries), emailed extensively and after about 4 months, had both professed love for one another. The time had come when BF wanted to get together, but X had to decline since it would have meant a long car trip and she had just had an operation. She apologized and said it was too early for them to get sexually involved anyways (she was Christian and explained to him that getting together would mean NO SEX) He had no reservations about this, didn't mention it futher and so they went on. Two months later, after becoming even CLOSER, he blurted out one evening that he had been "seeing" a woman ONLINE and that he even MET her and had sex with her (stayed at her house for a week) He told X that the sex meant nothing to him and that he really loved X and not the OW. X believed him and forgave him, although she found it strange that after she forgave BF, he didn't share any further information about the "affair".

Two years have now passed. X is not happy with BF. She is resentful of him mainly because BF ended up telling her that he didn't REGRET sleeping with the other woman and he didn't even LOVE X at that time, so the whole affair was none of her concern. At first, my opinion was that X shouldn't care because they weren't officially 'dating' at that time, but X maintains that if BF said he loved X, then he shouldn't have done that. Now I'm sitting on the fence and I feel that I can't give her any adequate advice.

I'm hoping someone here can help. X is concerned that her resentfulness is wrong. She would also want you to know that BF treats her well, although he's uncompassionate at times and unfeeling. To this day, BF feels that X should know NOTHING of the affair and X's attempts to find out more about what happened (BF's reasons for doing it) are met with great animosity from BF. At this point, BF would like to marry X, however, X has great reservations about marriage since BF seems rather dishonest.

Any advice on this will be greatly appreciated by x.

Thanks all!

I think X should join MB herself.

My advice for X .. Y or Z ... if someone "seems rather dishonest" ... marriage to that person "seems rather foolhearty."

Marriage is serious. Integrity and respect are as important as love.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Agree wholeheartedly with Pepperband. They have some serious issues to resolve BEFORE they even discuss marriage.

While I do think well of the fact that he told X about this week with the OW, he seems to feel that should have no baring on the future. Now, this MIGHT be true...but then again...maybe not. Until he feels comfortable with being honest about his past....then there can be no real joining and closeness and most important...honesty.

Since he was professing his love for X during the time that this happened, there seems to be a very real level of dishonesty here. It's hard to know exactly what was going on in his mind, since he isn't sharing. Now, he says he wasn't in love with X during this time...but now he is. Maybe that's true. Long distance relationships are hardly advantagous for making real love grow.

If he's harboring great anger towards X ever time she brings this up...there is something wrong somewhere. What it is, I can't say. It might be partially justified if she is continually is "at" him...then again...he needs to be honest. There really is no reason for his anger, even if he is telling the truth NOW. It seems as if he is over-reacting...but the question is "why?".

You're friend might find some of the information here on site which is for those who are planning on marriage of benefit. This site isn't only for those in marriages or those with marriage problems.

I'd also think it might be great for X and BF to get some pre-marriage counseling to find out and see if they have what it takes to make an honest and healthy marriage. jmho

Thanks to everyone for the great responses.

I have already passed them along to my friend.

Honora: As I mentioned, X refused to join MB....I feel she could REALLY benefit from it, though...

Hi aeri,

In the info pages on this site there is a section for people who are dating. Your friend does not have to join MB to read the info pages.

aeri,

I think you could remind your friend of the following saying: "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

She needs to lose the resentment.

I think she also needs to lose the BF. If he isn't honest now, it isn't going to get better when they marry. Given the little knowledge we have here about this relationship, she is fool hardy to continue with this guy, who she ALREADY resents. Pepper said it best.

God Bless,

JL