It eats me up at times. Take today for instance. My wifes vehicle needed the oil changed. We talked about it yesterday before I left for work. I told her where to take it to have the work done. She, however, took it to a shop where a guy works that she had some contact with when she used to sneak to the local nightclub. My heart sank that she did this knowing that I still had issues with this guy.

Also yesterday...I call wifes cellphone, from work, just to say hi. I can hear that she is on the road driving. I ask where she is and she tells me that she and her aunt are heading to another town, to a super wal mart. We continue talking, just chit-chat. I notice that I haven't heard her aunt say one word the whole time we are on the phone. This is very odd in that this lady loves to talk. The silence raises a red flag or two, so I ask wife to let me say hello to her aunt.

First she tells me her aunt is eating and can't talk....can you say more red flags. I push ahead and insist to speak with aunt. Turns out she is not there at all. Wife lied.

Of course she had an excuse that justified in her mind why she needed to lie to me. However, no matter if this is truely innocent, there can be no lies. It is much too difficult to cope with a lie, even if there is nothing going on, from a spouse who has a history of affairs. Why can't I get her to understand that?

I do not know what is going on with my wife. I do know that this sort of thing makes me crazy with jealousy and fear that she might be starting up her wayward ways again.

I can't go through this again! I refuse to be lied to. I will not tolerate her slipping even for a second, even a little, into the world she lived before. All things point in that direction.

Am I justified in feeling like this? Being jealous? Being suspisious(sp?) of her actions?

This is really eating at me. So much so that I seriously feel I should file and get it over with.

Opinions?

jd

<small>[ January 02, 2003, 03:32 AM: Message edited by: jdmac1 ]</small>

jmho...either your spouse is helping you heal...or she is standing in the way of your healing.

You've got every right to feel as you do. Something isn't right...as you're W is lying about things that shouldn't be a big deal. Now why is that? Because something is going on that is a big deal. jmho

I'm not saying you should or should not run right down and file...but she's not being honest...you need to discover why.

A common regret heard often is someone not listening to their instincts. Maybe you should listen to yours, there are few things that match the lie you caught your wife in, and infidelity is at the top of that very short list. Is she a habitual liar? Have some other desire..like I don't know, shopping at a certain store and wasting money you wouldn't approve of, etc. Is she a criminal going for a "meet" of some kind? This was a big deal, this lie, trust your instincts, and don't let it go. Is she following the rules of protection as well for you? If not, why not, and why do you not require her to? As for the guy, that's tougher, since needed car stuff done, was that a logical place to get it done, not a lot of other choices? If other choices, than yes, is a very bad sign. At the very least she is telling you that your feelings are of little importance to her. Hard to see how one builds a successful marriage on that basis.

<small>[ January 01, 2003, 12:14 PM: Message edited by: LurkingAbout ]</small>

These are all red flags that she is keeping secrets. Secrets are a red flag to affairs. I would assume that she is meeting someone, and is making these stupid excuses, just to hide her deceit. I went through all these lies, and it hurts, and yes the feeling of jealousy is strong. They are playing with your heart, and your mind. She will play with you till the affairs are over. And there will still be some lies until their mind is out of the ffoogggg.....!

Get her cell phone bill, have her car bugged, and have her phone bugged. That is the evidence you will need, and face the fact, she is lieing flat to your face, and feels no remorse or guilt. I have been there, my husband lied to my face, and felt nothing wrong about lieing to me. His other woman lied to me, when she called me with suicide, and you know, that hurt too. I didn't know people could be so coarse and uncaring, but I know now that both my husband and her are betrayers, and liars.

Look out on all aspects of your life. Watch for things to dissapear out of your home. I didn't realize it, but things were leaving, and one is the $$$$$ the thousands that he sent to her. I would do the bookwork, and say to my husband, why are we this much off. He would always say that my figures were wrong, put the blame on me. Until finally (months later) he admitted to taking money and giving it to her.

These are the people that we put all our trust in and all are love to. So be careful, and watch every step. It might get worse, and it might not. But be careful, and if I were you, I would put a stop on taking any money out of your accounts that are together. I wish I had, was advised by a counselor, but I still trusted my husband, and he used me. He didn't care, he was getting his thrills with the other woman who is a big fat liar, and having mutiple affairs. You are the only one who is going to take care of you, I found this out the hard way.

JD, You had BETTER BE suspicious if she is lying to you about trivial things. People don't lie unless they have something to hide. And an innocent "trip to Walmart" is not something that a person is going to lie about. There is more going on here and I am sure you know it.

Before you accuse your W of lying, remember that you do not have absolute proof that she is lying to you so try to keep an open mind. BUT at the same time I will not disregard your gut feeling because a BS's senses become so finely tune to strange behavior on the part of the WS, that her/his conclusions that there is something that the WS is hiding is usually right on the money.

Fear and Jealousy are symptoms of distrust and your W's total disregard of your feelings regarding the mechanic she chose to do the oil change seems to indicate that she is NOT afraid of crossing boundaries that she should obey to regain your trust, because there are NO consequences to her if she does violate them. You obviously can not force her to do something that she does not want to do (even if it's in the best interest of the M and family) BUT by the same token she can't force you to accept the unacceptable. It all depends on you whether you are willing to want to be in a M where there is no respect for boundaries or you will have enough self respect to calmly communicate to her that as much as you lover her, you will NOT be a party to further lies and deceptions and that the ball is in her court as to whether the M gets rebuilt or not.

JD,

Try approaching this without bringing up the incident (at least not yet). Ok then put the onis on her. Let her know that you are not feeling safe right now. Trusting her with 'important things' (like your life) and visa versa requires that you both feel safe.

Safety means to have trust, make reasonable decisions with the other's interest in mind. Not having to worry about 'spelling it all out'.

Then ask her if she feels safe with you. If she doesn't ask her why and how you can help. If she does, then thank her for having that level of trust in you.

Then explain that you don't feel safe with her and ask her how she thinks she can help. Then tell what you need. Reiterate that you want to have a 'safe' level of trust in her as well. You can tell her you have your thoughts on what that means and when she is ready you would like to share them with her.

Use this to gage how much she is really interested in regaining your trust.

Let us know how you do.

take care,
L.

Telling you that she was with her aunt when she wasn't would indicate that she was with probably another man. Otherwise why lie. When something smells iike crap it is crap.

The jealousy or fear won't end until the lies stop. When she can be honest, and tell you everything without fear & lies, that is when the jealousy will end. The fear of her doing this again will end. But complete honesty needs to be incorporated for this to happen. There is a good book I will recommend for you. I have read about 3 chapters, it was recommended to me. 'Never Be Lied To Again', by David J. Lieberman, Ph.D. It is how to get the truth in 5 minutes or less in any conversation or situation. It was on the New York Times Bestseller. This is a simple, user-friendly format, that he gives you the tools to determine, with uncanny accuracy, if you are being lied to. This book shows you how to easily influence anyone to tell the truth, within minutes. Use it in any situation, from casual conversation to in-depth interviews. The book gives examples of conversations to help you keep from being taken advantage of and give you that extra edge. I haven't read too much, but am impressed with what I have read. I have been going through a lot of hearache, and my attention span is not very high right now. But if you get the chance, try reading it.

<small>[ January 01, 2003, 11:28 PM: Message edited by: Faith4me ]</small>

TooMuchCoffee, I did have the proof. How while I was at work? Because she admitted it when I insisted on saying hello to the aunt.

Thank you all for your replies. I have a lot to think about. When she reads this I hope she finally will think as well.

jd