</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He did things for her he'd never do for me. Like getting his toenails in shape, a growth removed from face and worried so much that it would leave a scar. Oh yeah,he showered more for her too. And shaved. Wouldn't want to give her burns on her delicate fat.
Bought snorebegone so he wouldn't disturb her sleep either. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because she required it of him.

I am terribly distressed by your posts, one tirade after another viciously attacking ....

blaming your WS for your personal problems how he destroyed you etc...

just as folks here will tell the "typical WS" that its NOT the BS's fault your that way you made the choices, or why didnt you just stand up and say something (which youve even said) or just leave if it was that bad.

i am distressed not because you bash men or WS's but because I think you know that you have taught your H to treat you this way and your outburst here are about regaing some "Self" some power and control in your world. and its at the expense of others here.

what you are doing in your post is an empowerment, to others who are suseptible to like pain. You berate and demean the WS's here and it gives others permission to pile on.

yes the ws's here did a terrible terrible thing, but they and the BS's here are trying or are here on the pretense that they are trying to rebuild their marriages. How does spewing hate create the love we want in our marriage?

im no advocate of being a doormat or allowing unrestriction actions of WS's i am increadibly hard on myself and others who are bull Sh iting themselves or their Spouse.

how can I and the others here help you find constructive ways to gain peace and still make the progress in your life that you so desperatly are seeking?

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 11:32 AM: Message edited by: chazbutler ]</small>

Chaz. I thought it was also a safe place to vent. As for any helping me find peace and coping? I made up my mind today to do just that for myself as there is no one else who can.
To start with, I am taking back control of anyone to hurt me! My happiness does not depend on my H or his lover anymore. Only God can help me stand upright again! So that is where I've put it. Then I'm making a new life for myself. Social, work, friends, anything that might take me outside this. Even volunteer work because I do have the capacity to care about others who are suffering in any way.
I realize I cannot change anyone but myself. And I've let others drag me down to the sewer with them, turning my back on the one person I know can and will heal me. God! You see, others sins do directly effect the people around them when they've allowed it. And I did allow it, bringing out anger and bitterness that has no place in my life. We all have choices and I've made mine this very morning.
To do that which makes me love myself, and be proud of my behavior. And I wrote H he is free to choose his own path. Or woman! As far as I'm concerned, the marriage ended, according to the bible with the first A! So basically the only tie is mans law!
I will still work to be kind, and do the things needed in my home and domestic duties. As for intimacy, he does not ask and so I do not have to deny anything at all there! Nor would I if ask.
Oh, but I will continue to give his shots just in case he and the saint decide to get together again after all! Just as I did before for him and her without my knowledge.
You see, they can drag each other down,but I'm getting out of the pit with them. And going up, my year to shine!
Teaching him how to treat me may not work. But I can ignore him, can't I? When he is starting to use and abuse me! Because he knows right from wrong so I release him to his own self destruction and his relationship with God is now between him and God.
A good book you may want to read,is Christian book, titled "Conflicts of David" and how God finally gave King Saul over to his own reprobate ways. This is what I must do to save myself now.
Being the woman I was before all this will make no difference in him. He is hiding his head in the sand about who this ow is. I've given him proof before and he says I'm lying. I mean black and white proof online so I can't tamper with that.
I still love him but not like I once did. This changed things for me forever unless something changes him.
The best justice would be letting him go to be with her for however long he wishes. I will not be waiting in the wings though. People have to learn lessons the hard way.
The best revenge is living well. Which I intend to do from now on.
In my heart I know what would happen if he left for her. And that gives me a peace of it's own.
It's the staying here, but worshiping her from afar that keeps any healing from taking place for us. He told me a year ago she was in his heart and I could never replace her. I offered him divorce and he refused. So what else can I do but live my life regardless.
I think the problem for him is she doesn't love him and will not leave her husband. But I'm not going to be the batting board anymore.
Demanding respect for who I am is the way it is.
And I don't need anyone to tell me how far above her I am in every way. I already know and H told me that as well. yet, she is still some paragon in his eyes. Better to let him go and not depend on him at all for my own selfworth.
Since he seems to not want to leave, then so be it. And since he seems to not want a real relationship with me, So be it.
I can live here as friends until God directs me otherwise. Or takes me out of it at his will.
I've taken off my wedding ring and it will stay off unless there is a real commitment I can depend on. And many changes in his opinions.
Doesn't really make a difference to me anymore. The best way is to let go.
He has finally verbally abused me and defended this OW to me, that I have given him up in my mind and heart. To do otherwise would be like sticking your hand in the fire every five minutes!
So, I may not post here very much anymore, which I'm sure will make others happy. If I do, it will be only about my own progress. If I've offended others, I didn't mean to. I was talking about H.
Good luck to all who are recovering and finding healing together.
I'm just not going to try with someone who refuses any help at all. And as for here, he told me to stop coming and reading crap. That was his words, not mine! He's such a nice guy!
LouLou

LouLou...

I understand how you feel. I don't know how I would deal with what you're dealing with. I don't think I could stay with H if he wasn't doing everything in his power to work together with me to save our marriage. It's hard enough to work on forgiveness, understanding, and communication with someone you don't trust... but to do it w/someone who has flat out told you that you are , in essence, a consolation prize? second best? You have more strength that I do, my friend.

You mentioned that he won't give you a divorce. Lou, you don't need his permission. If that is what you need for you on your journey to a better place, you can go get one. He can't stop you.

Hugs and Prayers..

Baby.

Babyblue, Thank you. The reasons I don't just go file are this. first, we have an agreement that neither will use a sizable sum of money from our accts without the others knowledge. This is what he did during his A, was change our acct over to a new one in his name only and was taking large sums at a time to save up for his and her trips! When he came home he admitted immeidately how selfish he'd been and the acct was changed back immediately. We'd always had it joint.
Stupid as it may sound, I am a person of my word. Unless he should break the agreement and if he did, I've found that I can freeze any acct even if it's just in his name only again! And that I would!
Secondly, I really wanted our marriage to work after all these years.And for religious reasons, I fully believe in not divorcing, even though the bible says I am free to do so after adultery. But it's because of my vow I took before God and a prayer I sent up at the time. H broke his vows to me, But God has not. I know for some here, this will make no sense at all. I believe that due to the issues, I have changed also and not allowed my faith to sustain me. In other words, withdrawing from my relatiohship with the Lord. So yesterday, I prayed for God to change me and take control of me again. And also that I gave up H to him for any changes to be made as I cannot make anyone change. I can only change me. No matter where this marriage goes, My first priority is to mend my relationship with the Lord. Fear should have no place in my life as a believer. Yet it has been there.
If it appears that the marriage is not going to be restored, and that has to be shown by God, then I will file. But I will not touch our acct, but rather allow my daughter to assist me by loaning me the funds. Which will be repaid out of my final settlement. Which will be a good one!I am protected by the laws in our state and no way can I be left high and dry.
I believe H's refusal to file is that he doesn't want to end the marraige. And if he wanted this OW, which he's stated he doesn't, all he'd have to do is file! I've told him I will not contest but willingly give him over. Perhaps knowing she will not file for divorce from her H has a big part to play?
Either way,it's now in God's hands fully. And that is the only one I can trust and have faith in now. If it's going to be a recovery, it will happen, and if not, then God will provide a way out. I won't go into detail here now, but I've many answers to prayers. Astounding ones! Somehow God may be using this to bring me back to my knees and a closer relationship with him again. And if that is so, then I can only Thank God!
God blessyou BB, LouLou

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> God will provide a way out. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LL, God helps those that help themselves. thats what they told me in sunday school anyway.

you cannot simply give it over to god and expect a miracle, you have to work toward the miracle and believe it is possible with faith and endurance and you will recieve that miracle.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Being the woman I was before all this will make no difference in him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">probably true, you wouldnt want him to treat you that way anyway right? plus being that way didnt bring you the happiness in marriage you wanted anyway.

I dont understand your decision to live in a marriage you renounce relgiously bound only by "mans Law" wouldnt that mean in the eyes of god you are living in sin?

I am sorry you have seemingly given up on your marriage, should you decide that you want to be married, and have decided to use the principles that dr. Harley has so graciously provided us then there are many here who have been there done that who may be able to help.

I am still very distressed that your giving away your power. to your H, to the OW, and now to your god.

make no mistake, god does help those that help themselves, and its the internal journey that will free you of hate, and anger.

good luck.

Chaz. To my God? You bet. the one I forgot is all powerful and I am nothing without! The one true God for me.
I did give power to the wrong ones, such as H and OW! NO more.
Yesterday I came to my senses as to how I try to handle things without the one who can handle all things! Giving power to God is not a cop out. it' the best thing I ever did for my life.
You see, it's not about quitting and just expecting him to do it all, it's about allowing him to guide and direct instead of thinking I can do it all by myself!
Since yesterday and giving it over in prayer, today was one of the most beautiful days I've had in a long time. My H actually sat with me, and communicated in a way he has not done for years! WE finally were able to share our needs without fighting or either feeling attacked. We came to some excellent agreements on restoring our marriage so both of us will be happy! I listened to him, he listened to me and we found we can meet those needs for each that we've felt were missing. Or neglected!
Nobody sits down and waits for God to feed them. But God is there to guide and grant the answers to prayer that will put one on the right track. Even to giving the right words to speak!Such as he did for Moses. Trying to help myself was the stupidest thing I ever did, forgetting that without God's guidance and my making the efforts to live by his word, I'd definitely not get anywhere alone! Thank you very much, but the breakthrough came today right after realizing who I had forgotten to allow to guide me, my words, my deeds, my thoughts and my actions!
Hallelujah, Praise God! I do have a redeemer and so does my H! He is returning to church with me and allowing God to be his guide also.
I simply forgot fear has no place in my life. Not of H, Ow, or anyone who would sway my thoughts to nothing but the evil done. Thereby dragging me right down with them to the sewer thoughts! It's a neat trick of satan, don't you think? If he can keep even one in turmoil, he can keep the whole family from seeing wherein lies their salvation and help! Many blame God, but I never did that. I'm way to smart to blame God!
I don't know who your God is, but mine is all powerful and can do the impossible which I cannot. As for the past examples of answered prayers, I could give you plenty. But then you probably think it's all fantasy anyway.
It's not about just giving up and saying Oh help me, do it for me. It's about asking God to take control of everyone involved and setting their hearts right. It's called, Drawing them to him!
I can't change one hair on my H's head, But God can change him totally if H is willing, and he is as expressed to me by him. He knows what he needs, and who he needs to keep him strong from temptations. I have been a true born again for most of my life, but that doesn't mean I don't fall or forget wherein my strength lies. Thank you for the well wishes on luck, But I'm relying on a higher power than Luck. Luck has never given me much to start with.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life! And it's been wonderful and going to be from now on. Ever heard of annointing Chaz? Annointing loved ones is a good place to start, but then you have to be a true believer to do it. I've gone through my whole house annointing, and even done my H while he slept! Seems it didnt' do any harm, but a lot of changes for the better have taken place this very day. I give the credit all to God, thanking my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Amen and Amen
God bless you all and may you find your way! LouLou

P.S. Chaz, according to God's word, if one has an adulterous spouse, but that person wants to stay in the marriage, The BS may choose to do so, whereby the other S, The WS,and any children, may be sanctified by the believing spouse! If you choose to divorce, it's allowed by the adultery, but not a command to do so! According to the bible, when one lays with another who is not their S, they are actually married to that person, and everyone they sleep with. But, the marriage that is truly sanctioned is the one performed under God or the ceremony we humans call weddings. If you have time to read, try Ephesians Chapt:4 and 5 and 6. If you have a concordance, try looking up marriage, adultery and Reconciliation with God!And the Armour of God!
1 Corinthians is also beneficial. In fact, the whole book has all the answers if looked for! Best book there is. 1 Cor 7 and 8----on marriage.
Giving my power over to God? How sorry I am I ever thought I had any aside from what he gives me. You have no power and neither do I over anything. We have choices, but the power to choose rightly comes from God! The power to heal comes from God. Ok, enough. Guess if you all wanted this lesson, you'd be in bible study. I do not mean to offend any other religious faith here. Only to Proclaim what is right for me.
Night, loulou

oh boy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

LL,

Im always super leary of instant enlightenment.

this is a long long journey and i wish you well.

i wished only to address the manner with which you were assasinating your spouse here and influencing the board. i am glad your tone has changed although i suspect your prone to radical changes.

also to be clear that you were lamenting how your H has learned to treat you and how it differed from the way he treated the OW. I hope youve committed to change by whatever means spiritually or otherwise what made that treatment ok.

and ill graciously dissagree about who has the power to change a person.

ps. I always figure that the more words a person uses the less i am actually hearing of them and the more i am hearing of those around them.

Quote by Chaz: i wished only to address the manner with which you were assasinating your spouse here and influencing the board. i am glad your tone has changed although i suspect your prone to radical changes

WOW, I just thought LL was venting and sounding off to clear her mind, but not once in reading her post did I feel like she was influencing the board, did anyone else get that? And while it might look to you like she is assassinating her husband, it looks like she is addressing her husband's behavior that she finds is not meeting her ENs and also is LBusting her. I don't know, maybe I just read it differently.

LL, take care.... Let Go.....Let God is always a good motto.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Neesha:
<strong> but not once in reading her post did I feel like she was influencing the board,</strong>

when you see thread after thread start turn to a bash fest thats infuence.. and when you see old timers like bramble start threads titled could we stop the bashing you can rest assured there are some negative trends.

neesha youve not been here all that long i dont expect that you would remeber how the board used to be, but when i got here there was alot more emphasis on the MB concepts and emphisis on Building marriages and changing our own paradymes toward being better spouses instead of lamenting the woe's of our spouse. i guess i am longing for the envionment that was so rich when i got her and want to do my part in giving back what i have gotten.

if that means i make some BS's uncomfortable because i dont want this place to turn into www.complainaboutmyrottenmate.com then so be it.

I don't know, maybe I just read it differently.

i guess

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Lady Lou,
Do not mean to hijack your thread, ut I really need to say some thing to Chaz that Has been bothering me for quite some time, that I was told by my parents, and it is not true.
Not much at quoting exact verse in the Bible, but I do know it well.
Chaz, you said God helps them who help themselves.
Now Chaz, where did you read that in the Word of God?
The Word says that you can do NOTHING without God. NOTHING!! End of conversation.
You can do nothing without God. And if you follow God's word and OBEY, I'm telling you there will be blessings in your life, there can even be miracles. I know that the restoration of my marriage was one of those miracles. And only because I was obedient to God. I could not HELP MYSELF. I gave myself totally over to God's will and not my own.
And God gave me a miracle in giving me back my husband, who was lost. It was over. It was as ugly as (almost) anything I have seen on these boards.
God Showed me Plan A and Plan B before I ever had a computer or found MB.
I am done now. Sorry Chaz. God helps those who know they can do NOTHING without Him.
Spouses, and everyone else in your life may not be faithful, but the Lord is.
I am 2 years down the road of recovery, and have taken, today, yet another hard hit, this time financially, as a result of FWS affair, but today I choose to look at it as a consequence of the affair.
I choose to accept that. I thank God that we have not suffered a loss like David and Bathsheba. We choose to stand up to it TOGETHER, instead of me wallowing in self-pity and crying why me, I didn't do this or ask for this!
We face this together.
I just pray that this is the last consequence, after 2 years of recovery.
Lady Lou, you go girl. Keep focusing on the Lord. He has plans for you. Honor the Lord and He will honor you. It will be in His time though, not necessarily our time. Patience!
Love in Christ,
Miss M

MM,

The statement “God helps those who help themselves” is not in the Bible; it originated in pagan religion. Five hundred years before Christ, Aesop wrote, ‘The gods help them that help themselves.’ Euripdes, a Greek philosopher, said, ‘Try first thyself, and after call on God,’ And George Herbert of the seventeenth century said, ‘Help thyself and God will help thee.’ We received our present formulation from Benjamin Franklin: ‘God helps those who help themselves.’

of course none of these men are worthy of emulation and surely all are spending eternity in that place down there...

my point is that by choosing to not hold her responsibility within herself she was doing a disservice to her marriage and ultimatly herself. i wanted to know if she was just here to complain or if she was here to work on her marriage. and the words she chooses often avoid introspection and self evaluation.

i will not deny you your belief, will you seek to deny me mine? or are we still on the arguement that your right and im wrong kinda where this started if we are to really look at it. hows it go bramble? do you want to be married or do you want to be right.. look for that post friends its enlightening...

Neesha, and Miss M, thank you for your understanding. You do have it right. Since you do know who has the power to make the changes needed in us weak humans, then you know it's not some overnight radical change. But a struggle that has been inside me for a long time. You also know that many times people place something on the altar, meaning to give it over to God, then take it back. Because some, like me, think they can handle it all by themselves.
If I do have any influence, I sure hope it's in the way I have finally decided to quit struggling and let God handle it and me!
My H was once a very good man, and practiced our faith with me. That really kept things on track and made for a more secure feeling in the relationship. As he fell away, it drug me with it.
First allowing pain, hurt, anger, bitterness and all the things that disrupt any relationship. Now, I've prayed for a long time, and some changes have taken place. But then i'd let it all drag me down again, forgetting I should quit taking it back. We truly can't change anyone, and even for ourselves, we need the help of the only one who can change us by our willingness to let him have it. Free will is what rules us, given to us By God, and I ask him to take back my will and give me his will for my life. No matter what happens around me, to please make me more Christ like and less of me. In fact, when I asked God to let that adulterous relationship fail and to bring him home repentant, that happened. But just like me, he would also struggle with giving it over totally.
Neither of us are who we used to be due to these circumstances of the A. But that doesn't mean we can't be restored, but only by allowing the Lord to lead, guide and sometimes carry! Many times carry!
I had a wonderful counselor where I could safely vent, then our health group terminated that area. Though there might be outside referrals. Then I found a great Christian counselor, only to lose him when his wife died and he moved.
I've been counseling for over 5 yrs, alone! Everything I had repressed in the last year or more spilled out here. But it was not to influence others to bash anyone. I simply exercised my right of free speech and my feelings.
Chaz. Howard Stern doesn't have any respect from me or anyone I know. But that's your right and I've never addressed it before, even though he is offensive to me! I respected your right to believe in whomever you wish!
I do not remember ever attacking anyone here for their post because I believe each one comes here with a need to speak freely! Each one is dealing or coping the best way they know how for the moment.
And, to correct something I did post that was wrong. The Book about conflicts of David, should be, "Growing through conflict" by Erwin Lutzer for any who would like to read a wonderful book of encouragement.
I'm just grateful God hasn't given up on me! Because no one is perfect and I know I can make changes in me for the better, but only by allowing God to influence me!
I've been seeking my peace for a long time, until God has kicked me in the butt enough times for me to realize he's telling me come back! Give it to me and allow me to handle you first!
Life is about lessons, growing and learning. I can no longer deny that changing H or anyone else is not in my power! And bettering me is not going to happen alone.
BTW Chaz, I'm not living in Sin! I simply gave biblical scripture concerning marriage and adultery. You see, in ancient times, one could simply make the statement of divorcment and be done. Today it requires man to give the final decree. According to the scriptures, the man is head of the home. Wife and all. But only if he is abiding by God's commandments. If he is not, then the S is not bound to follow his lead! But Gods'!
The H is to be a Godly leader for his wife and family. If he fails to do so, then the wife is not bound to be submissive to his rule when it leads to sin!
I sinned by allowing anger, fear, bitterness and unforgiveness in my heart and behavior. that was giving power to H and OW right there! And satan!
So, knowing better, and having God lay on my heart the way I was allowing them to influence me, I have recommited my body, life, mind and spirit back to God! I forgot we are to set example of Christ love in all our ways. But then I'm human with deep feelings also, So Thank God he's there to pick me up, dust me off and set me back on the right path.
My H abused me mentally, emotionally and some physical to justify his behavior. Guilt transference it's called! I now refuse to accept this abuse. I became so angry murder was actually in my heart! By the way, man's law in this state would call it justifiable homicide! But God has me enough to tell me no way! When you take so much while a sleaze bag is being upheld as so wonderful, you do lose it after a bit.
Because I have been a great wife who never deserved one bit of the abuse. After the last A, I changed too. why not. It was self defense finally. I had to finally make up my mind to not allow him or anyone else to draw me further away from God. In the end, that is who I answer to, and God is the one who provides all needs when no one else can or will.
My H must now decide whom he wishes to follow and allow to be head of his life. The only marriage I will accept is one based on scripture. That means I must first set the example. He is a born again, so he has every opportunity to get it right for himself. I am not going to shove anything down his throat. It's his choice! But if he chooses to go back to his sins, he will do so alone. And I will keep my eye on the eternal rewards.
He knows for himself that you can't play games with God! He will give people over to the reprobate mind and turn away. One of my H first comments on his return from last being with OW was his fear that he had sinned against God and needed to seek forgivness from God first. He told me he wouldn't even ask for mine as he didn't deserve it. Then he sat about trying to make me the villian and himself the victim. A truly repentant heart is one that accepts responsibility for ones own actions. God reads the heart, and forgiveness only comes to those who have clean heart. That can become reality for even the worst of sinners. A right mind and a clean heart just as David prayed for.
Yeah, I use a lot of words. But then I've always had a lot to say.LOL A lot bundled up inside me.
God bless you all and may you find your peace as well. LouLou
Best book I've read! The Bible
Best Quote: With God, all things are possible!

its all about choice right LL?

howard stern while no hero or pillar of the community said it exactly the way is should be said.

you choose to stay married or not.

just as you believe you have free will to choose right and wrong in life and that in giving yourself over to god you are choosing the right path Howard is just agreeing with you. it was an admission of weakness from him and a real action that is part of this whole process.

i cant see you through your words, i cant tell where your heart is, what your CORE beliefs are, and because of that i cant trust you. sorry if that offends maybe im just not bright enough to get it.

can you tell me if you believe in the MB Concepts and do you plan to implement them as part of rebuilding your marriage?

LL,
I have posted a few times with question's. But i have never vented. I always thought it was a good idea, but nervous about doing so and now it seems my feelings were justified.
In no way does the pain you carry and release on this board influence my action's toward my FWH.
If anything it does make me feel more grateful that even with the pain and doubt and at times anger that i suffer are small in to compare to some.
I am coming up on the one year mark of dday and i may just be very sensitive right now but i feel like bashing my H sometimes and i do. My dog is a great listener.(lol)
Men and women react differently to there pain,as do people in general. 5 yrs ago i would have went to my H work place and not give a second thought to tearing into OW. I would have also given up on my marriage immediately.
Have i grown or what?
I have always been considered a strong woman, all who know me believe this but this A broght me to my knees.I don't no how you have maintained this long.
I believe in God and may not be able to quote the bible the way i should but i am a Christian and i believe that God watches over us. and that the devil preys on marriages and the WS gives in. I t just takes longer for some for God to reach again.
But we do have to remember that God does say "He will never put more upon us than we can endure"
So when we are the weakest he is strong. Remember the poem of Footprint's in the sand.
God know's you better than you know yourself so keep the faith and keep praying. Pray for what you really want in this life and if it is Gods will it will be done.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CarolynG:
<strong>LL,
I have posted a few times with question's. But i have never vented. I always thought it was a good idea, but nervous about doing so and now it seems my feelings were justified. ..</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">its one thing to have a post where you vent, its quite another to vent in every post you make whether its yours or not... i get the need to vent, i really really do, and have done so myself.

alot of times i learn alot when i vent and people share the flaws in the logic or the overridding emotions, it helps to sort it out.

but thats not how its been going.

Oh chaz,
LL's in a venting mode, let her vent away! She's reached a defining moment in her life and appears to be in a major transition so of course it's going to spill out in all her posts. I see no harm done. If anyone can spot a vent and know when to just let the person be, it should be an oldtimer... So come on, giv'er a break! Her decision is made, she's moving on...

LL
Sorry i have to say this to chaz. Do you believe everyone has to deal with there pain in there own way?
I am new at posting here. But read way more than i should. Luckily i start classes next week after 23 yrs of being out of school. (This is for me)
I Do think LL has built up anger from her pain
but isn't this the best place to let it go.
My heart is bigger than i am at times. I must admit i have never seen your story but would love to read it.
That you take the time to read and reply tell's me you have feelings and want to help. But it's obevious that LL has been thru he** and this is just another stage people deal with differently.
LL sorry to hijack your thread
chaz I mean no disrespect and i am not much on giving advice so i leave it at that.

this is kind of a crazy thread, not sure what to make of it. Complaining about someones venting affecting the board seems fair enough, free speech and all, but also pointless, cause people do what they feel they need to anyways. Then it usually dengenerates down too a schoolyard hassle. Chazs original point was valid, and don't know why ll turned it personal, and the subsequent stuff was just plain juvenile. People just are where they are, so if ll expressed herself that way, she needed to...and if she sees no value in chazs observations, ok, isn't that what we say to do, take what you find helpful and ignore the rest? So why complain about chaz? Mostly everyone is assumed to be offering advice/observations in goodwill, not maliciously, so what is the problem. I don't expect these observations to make a hoot of difference to anyone, but felt the "need" to make em, lol. Re the detour into religion, ll "seeing the light" is fine, and if she wants to depend on that, and not on sound behavioural assessments (not clear if she is ignoring MB, or the real deal about her H), is her life, she will experience the consequences of her choices.

But I do wonder about her observations that imply God's taking care of us means he will do what we want (restore a specific marriage). God may have been working in her life to expose the truth about her H and provide a way out of an unhealthy relationship. And now satan is influencing her H to tell her what she wants to hear, just down the road to mistreat her again. That is what happens when you ignore reality, getting right with God is a good thing, but doesn't mean a whole lot when it is only about getting what you want, not what His plans are for one. Likewise satan could influence one to "accept" a dysfunctional mate, using religious pride as his means. Marriage has a spiritual component, but it also has a reality component. Ignoring that does not make one more spiritual, it just means one is not using the brains God gave us to make healthy decisions in our lives. Unfortuneatley there are many people married to unhealthy people, who will mess with them as long as they let them. God may hate divorce, but He is not opposed to it. Nor does He sanctify a marriage just cause we used mans laws to make such a legal contract, if we used poor judgement (and probably did not listen to His will for us).

<small>[ January 09, 2003, 01:23 PM: Message edited by: LurkingAbout ]</small>

Lurking, Dysfunctional mate was not always so. So that means there is still the other person there! As told me by the counselor. Otherwise, I would not be here after all this time. And I do take what I feel is applicable to me and try to change it.
If he doesn't ask for restoration and find himself, then I can move on. But I won't just dump 30 yrs based on opinions.
I have my own changes to make as well.
God is in charge and will stay there. Try the spirits! God bless, thanks for all your opinions, They do help in many ways. LouLou