Here is the problem. Or is it just me?
Since i found out my H had an A. One time PA. and a few months of EA I must say i have search my heart and had to take some really hard looks at myself. I made several mistakes in our marriage the main ones's being not enough physical attention no excuse the other being the nagging still no excuse except H is a wonderful provider but use to procrastinate about everything. I have changed so much and i must say i do feel better about myself and know for a fact my H is much happier with me.
The thing is the changes he has made is stop the A and loves me again. Otherwise he has gone back to being the way he was before. I know that even with my faults there must have been something missing on his side in our marriage.
I know i can't change him and i don't want him to change completely but after what has happened in our marriage we (i) can't go back to that.
So i guess my question is what can i do to help him make changes that help make me feel more loved and secure in this marriage.
I know this has changed me forever. and i admit it scares me i don't want to feel resentment of him but at the same time i know i can't be truely happy if things stay this way.
Do the WS change with time?
Is it possible that he is still on guard that i will go back to being the way i was?
Should i talk to him about this or just leave it be?
If he isn't making any changes can i truely get the trust back?
Is this a normal thing and me just being impatient?
If there are any of you that have been thru this or have any advice i would welcome it.
I want to keep our marriage on track and not rock the boat but the truth is if this is a permament thing not sure i can be happy and that will effect our marriage. Help Please!!!!!!!!!

Are you in counseling? It sounds to me like there are still issues there that you 2 need help sorting out.
I lived through 2 years of the uncertainty you are feeling. Walking on eggshells, scared to rock the boat. Ignoring problems when deep down I knew something was wrong.
Have you discussed the MB principals with him?
Maybe you should tell him what you want and if you're unsure of how, call Steve or Jennifer and get some good advice.
Good luck,
Hugs,
Layli

layli
thanks for advice. I went to IC but H ddidn't go. Maybe im expecting to much. Just thought this would change him some as it's changed me and my life forever.
Hoping for ideas how to approach him with this.
Thanks

No, you shouldn't just "go back"...you both need to work at improvoing the marriage. Have yoiu read the articles here on restorationand recovery?

This might be of interest.

Click Here.

Have you done the questionnaires on this site? I feel that those might give you some of the answers you are looking for.

He needs to understand what you want and these will help him do that.
DB

First of all, let me say that after multiple affairs (2 on each side), our marriage is healed and BETTER than it ever was before the affairs. Real Recovery is not a myth...it can happen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Your post brought back some memories of my H's first affair....it pushed our lives into a downward spiral that took years to recover from. The reason it took so long was that we never dealt with his affair. I was so young and devastated that I just carried my pain alone and tried my best to heal - alone. My H just wanted it to go away and he was sweet for a while, but things quickly went back to the way they were before. Not good. We simply didn't deal with our issues or our pain. I went crazy and ended up having a revenge ONS (which I told H about before hand <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ), then 6 month EA/PA. When I ended my A, I found out H was having another affair of his own with a cop co-worker. We were good, upstanding, God-fearing, church-going people (and still appeared to be on the surface) but it was amazing what we'd become. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Well....long story short - not! - we FINALLY got our junk together about 18 months ago. We basically had to go back and deal with all the pain/resentment/questions we'd buried for all those years.

We BOTH learned how to properly communicate. We also mutually and willingly set up very specific, very strict boundaries for our behavior regarding the opposite sex. We are completely open books, and it feels great. Boundaries are actually very liberating, if that makes any sense. Real recovery didn't happen for us until we were both willing to put 100% into it (well, his is about 90%, but that's a MAJOR improvement! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) We basically started over after 17+ years of marriage, and we're incredibly happy now.

I agree with the others, please try to impress upon your H how beneficial joint counceling would be for you...ask him to do it for YOU, if not for himself. Best of luck to you.

Lori

<small>[ January 10, 2003, 02:33 PM: Message edited by: at peace ]</small>

Dear At Peace:
Could you please head over to Recovery and see if you could help Mirror has Two Faces? He is a FWS and a BS and I think he could use the help of someone like you has seen both sides of the fence. Thanks,
DB

CarolynG,. do you have the book, His Needs/Her needs? If not, buy it. Ask you H if he'll read it too.
It is definitely necessary to sit down with H and ask him to hear your needs, also telling him you wish to know his and any he feels you'r enot meeting. it's a two way street so it can't be done by just one.
And prayer is one of the most powerful weapons. Even praying for him to be open to you and communication. Both have to become or be made aware of their own shortcomings. Gentlely of course. Without accusations or backstabbing which I'm sure you're aware of. Sometimes the WS wants to forget, and also to transfer all the guilt over to the BS. Sort of sticking head in sand method.
You have to make him aware of your EN's as well. And ask for changes where the needs aren't being met.
Time doesnt' change people. Only their willingness and recognition of change needed can change them. I finally gave up trying after sharing my needs with my H, Ws. Then gave it over to God and put it in prayers for his will to be done, and him to work on H's heart making him aware and willing to change. It seems to be working great now! But communication is always needed. God bless, LouLou

Thanks guys I so appreciate all your input. I did sit down with H tonight and talk to him about this subject. He was very understanding. Asking lots of questions on how to make me feel better. When it comes right down to it i know he still loves me and regrets what has happened.
I feel insecure something i never felt before the A. I think he finally understands that i need that reasurance i need to feel special in a way that can only come from him.
I thought if i have to tell him what he needs to do then it's not natural and he doesn't mean it. I now see that is not the case so i poured my heart out in a gentle way on some of the things i need.
I was nervous at first but i think we really made some progress tonight.
Thank you all so much for the advice I will keep reading and learning and with patience and prayer we can work on our needs together.
It means so much that you guys were there for me.
Advice is free so i take all i can get!!!!!!!!!